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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Anyone change their names BACK, or hyphenate?
I think a lot of us are looking at a marriage in equal terms -- so feel that the names should reflect that. It's like moving into his home or him moving into your home as opposed to moving into a new home together. I don't think it's about being a "ballless man," but about doing what's important to both people if it's an issue for either person. For some people the name thing it's not an issue, and that's great. For others, it is, and it's a bit more complicated.
A lot of people are saying that they want to share a last name, and that's fantastic. I think the other side of that, however, is questioning why that shared name must be the man's family name, especially as the two people entering into the marriage are on equal footing everywhere else. That's all I think people are saying . . . it's not a poor reflection of their family values at all. If anything, it's that they want their new family to reflect who they were before they got married. That actually makes for a stronger family unit, in my opinion.
I am grateful that the feminist movement and the women that came before me have given me a CHOICE in education, career, government, and all the way down to the micro issues like I choose to address myself.
FTR, I did change my name. Outside of my father, I have no connections to his family nor have I ever identified with them. My mother's family, with whom I have never shared a name always felt like true family and given me a sense of belonging. My reasoning was therefore personal and I felt changing my name didn't detract from my sense of identity, it also meant a lot to my husband that I did. I'm a feminist, but I am also happy that he's happy with my decision. Given that it meant a lot to him and very little to me, I changed my name.
Yes. And, my problem is, I made the WRONG choice.
Yes. And, my problem is, I made the WRONG choice.
Exactly.
I get that, but you also have the choice to change it back, or hyphenate or go to some random name. He has the same choices but he's made his decision not to change his at all, right? So now you have to make yours with the understanding that there may be consequences, like having different last names, or comprimising on future children's names, or sharing a name that you don't like.
First and foremost: I am so shocked at how little respect some of you have for your ow husbands. This is only directed at anyone who's argument is that they "will change their name when they have kids" !!! What!??? I dont know how you can enter into a marriage with that little consideration for your husbands feelings. If you had half the concern where you husbands were concerned that you supposedly do for your children (unborn or not) then the sanctity of marriage might still be in tact.
The main reason I posted here was because the Bible and what God says about this was brought into this. There is nothing in the Bible about taking your husbands last name, but what it does is say is to honor him and for him to love you in return. Id say if you have a husband who is doing that for you, the least you should be concerned with is sharing his family name with him. Most importantly, God says that should be living for Him in EVERYTHING we do. To me, being so selfish that you think you reserve all of these rights (having a certain name, job, children etc.) and that this life yours to do whatever you want with it, is anything but living for God. We should all do more for Him.
Feminsm is something created by the world. Not by God. Never has God said we have the right to be feminists. Its defying Him and its defying our husbands. If you married a man who loves you and treats you with respect, there is no reason to feel like you need to be a feminist where he is concerned.
You're off your rocker, lady.
Did I mention that I was religious at all? No. So that does NOT apply to me.
You're off your rocker, lady.
Did I mention that I was religious at all? No. So that does NOT apply to me.
I think this is just a control issue. There are tons of things in our culture that we just do, because it's apart of our culture. And no one says we do those things because of sexism. I think this is just ridiculous. I mean, if it's that big of a deal to you just change your last name.
I think you're relying a lot on a name as your identity. FTR, I changed my last name to be my husband's. I've been waiting 7 years to officially be a hislastname, I wasn't going to pass up the chance.
If its about not having the same last name as a man in your life that you feel forced to have, you can't go back to your maiden name because your father forced that name upon you when you were born yes? At least, thats how it seems to me.
I would recommend having a serious heart to heart with your husband and just let him know you're having second thoughts about sharing a last name. Ask him how he feels about you hyphenating, or going back, or creating a new last name together. Take his feelings into consideration, of course. But ultimately, its on you.
Hello newlyweds,
This was a difficult decision for me as well. For me, there is nothing more personal than choosing my name and I decided not to entirely leave it up to society to make this call.
As I was raised by a single mother, I chose to drop my fathers last name. I kept my first name, took my mothers maiden name as my new middle name and my husbands last name as my new last name. (Ex. First Name, Mothers Maiden Name, Husbands Last Name)
If we go on to have children, I will pass on my mothers maiden name as a middle name for my children.
This works well for me, as I feel like I am honoring the family members who count for me personally - while at the same time paying respect to my own independence.
Just an idea...
EMV
Hubby's grandmother did that when she got married to his grandfather and didn't change her name after she divorced and married another man...but her maiden and former married names go well together so she stuck with it especially since she was an English professor.
Myself? I hated my maiden name because people always misspelt it! It didn't matter if I told them how to spell it letter for letter, they would always get it wrong! Of course, upon taking Hubby's last name, I didn't realize that there are 3 other women in my town that have the same first name and last name in the nursing professions, so I'm going to have to go by my first and middle names since we all seem to have different middle names.
I suggest talking things out with your husband...he may be more accepting of whatever step you take if he knows about it beforehand.
First of all....you've already admitted you've made the wrong choice ONCE. Who is to say that another year or two down the road, you're going to change your flaky mind again and want to go BACK to your now married name? If you are that easily pressured that "society" is the main reason you changed to DH's last name to begin with, don't you think you should just leave well enough alone?
For me, there was no issue about taking on DH's last name. I did keep my maiden name for middle name, which is what a lot of Southern women do. Yes, I have a college degree and had started a career already in my maiden name, but becoming husband and wife and creating a new family, to me, meant that we would all have the same last name...future children included. And as for the idea of creating a whole brand new made up name, I'm sorry if this offends you or anyone else, but that is about the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of in my life! Your last name is part of history, a lineage, something you pass down from generation to generation. If you just start making up random names, what sense of family and heritage do you think your children will have? NONE!
Granted, this is only my opinion, but I think that if you wanted to keep your maiden name, you should've thought about that before changing it to begin with. And as far as hyphenating goes...what will your children's names be? If you have a daughter and give her First Middle Last-Last and then she gets married, are you going to be offended if she drops the hyphenated double name and take her new husband's last name, or will you make her think she is now his "property"? Just some food for thought....I think you should just leave your name the way it is now.
Your situation is almost IDENTICAL to mine. Also consider myself to be somewhat of a feminist, I've been married similar length of time, I took my husband's name for the same reasons, and there are not strong enough words to describe the way I feel about my FIL. Our last name is also hard for most to pronounce and spell- drives me crazy!
What I did was keep my maiden name as my middle name, so that way I didn't have to hyphenate it but could still keep it. I use my full name when needed, which most often times is in my professional career. Also it was important to me that when we have kids we all have the same name. All my legal documents have my full name, which allows me to choose when and where to use my maiden name. This also helps with not hurting the hubby's feelings!
IMO, you made your choice - stick to it.
I struggled with the decision too, and there are reasons to support many different options. However, once the decision is made it's done. move on.
After being away for a few days, I was curious to come back to this thread and see where the discussion had gone. Mostly downhill. It seems many women here are quite judgemental and in some cases being unecessarily nasty.
Whether you see this as a feminist issue or a religious issue or one of self worth doesn't matter. What does matter is that you and your husband need to be on the same page. If your decision as to whether or not you would take his name, hyphenate or whatever is a shock to the man you are marrying, then I have to say you don't know each other well at all. And I mean this to all women--not just the original poster.
I chose to keep my maiden name legally and for business but use my husband's name socially. This was a complete non-issue for us. I asked him LONG before we were even engaged how he would feel if we ever got married and I kept my name. He said it would not bother him in the slightest. Knowing him, I didn't think it would. If he was the kind of man that would be insulted or feel disrespected, then he wouldn't have been the man I fell in love with.
Your name is not who you are, but your choices are. I made a choice that says I am who I am, but I am also a wife and mother. It works for us. Oh, and our son has his name.
I guess the bottom line is know who you are, know who you are marrying and things like this will not be an issue. And as for the women who are judging the choice others have made, I'm sure you have all heard "Judge not, lest you be judged." You don't have to agree with anyone's choice, but respect their right to make it--male or female--and keep the derogatory comments out of it.
I personally think that it's disrespectful and selfish to not take your husband's last name. It's saying that I love you enough for the perks...but not enough to share your name...
Changing your last name to your husband's last name is a sign of respect to him - it's you recognizing that he is now the head of the family, as it was designed.
The way marriage was designed was to have the man be the head of the house/family, and the wife be the helper (still with valid imput). A marriage shouldn't be dominated by one person, it's a partnership; it's a team - where both parties are now one - they now function as one, not giving up personal rights, but working together, often times having to compromise, to come to what is best for the family in question.
The way it was *designed*? Give me a break. If you read this entire thread, you'll see that the OP is NOT religious, so the not-so-vague religious reference here is not applicable to her question. Plus, I fail to see who is being disrespected if both my husband and I were in favor of me keeping my name...
It's reasons like this that give a bad name (if you'll excuse the pun) to the strong women who make a well-considered, mutual decision with their new husbands to take his name. I am willing to bet that the vast majority of women who choose to take their husband's last name do NOT share this antiquated opinion.
Just to give you another option...
I felt much the way you did. I hated that my only options were to either:
Keep my maiden name, and therefore force either my husband or myself to have different names then our kids...or have our KIDS hyphenate, which just didn't seem fair to do to them, or
A) Change my name to his, losing a part of my identity, in order to have the benefits of a family unit with my children in which we all shared the same name,
C) hyphenate myself, which then felt like too complex, because then what do our kids do when THEY marry, etc.
Also, I did not like the idea that it was MY choice. While my fiancee was really sweet about not wanting to force me into any choice, the bottom line was that I was the one having to make the choice.
SO, I presented an alternate idea to my fiance. My mother had retained her maiden name as her middle name, a practice which I liked very much. So, I decided it would feel more equal if BOTH my husband and I took my maiden name as our middle name. In doing so, it felt really supportive on my husband's part, and like we were both giving a little piece of our identity over to the other and the other's heritage. Also, in this way, I think it will show to our kids that unconventional name choices are fine and that it is important to honor both lines of lineage.
In this way, I felt positive about taking my husband's last name as mine, because no matter how far back you go, you are still typically tracing patriarchal lines...so taking anyone's (my mother's, grandmother's, etc.) last name would still be taking the patriarchal last name...but at least there IS tracibility. I tried to trace back my family lineage across our generations to the early 1800's and it was possible due to consistent names. Just keep that in mind, because I really did appreciate being able to find my family history. Really, name-passing has a consistency to it (albeit rooted from a patriarchal society's choice) that aides in geneology. I also wanted our family to have the same benefit of feeling like a unit that I had in my family (with a wonderfully strong, feminist mother who took my Dad's name, keeping her maiden as her middle and pursuing her doctorate while we were young...all of which had a very positive impact on me as a young girl).
So, ultimately, my husband and I now share our middle and last names. My maiden name is both our middle names. And his last name is both our last names.
FYI, we did have to change our name at the courthouse because (as the poster above said, the DMV are the sticklers about this). But it was very important to my husband to make some larger gesture to honor the change I was making, so he went through with the court name change (cost about $100 and have to fill out some documents - but it is very simple and can be done by just going to the court library, asking for all the documents and filling them out and filing all at the same time...then wait for the court date. All very simple.).
Hope this helps to present another option. Good luck!!!! No answer is the wrong one.