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How do you feel about having babies before being married?
I am not talking about teen pregnancy or anything. Obviously this is something that is close to home but I don't want to post specifics.
I am talking two people who love each other and got pg before they are married. They had (before the pg) the intentions of getting married, BTW. They are both in their early thirties.
Both sets of their parents are MISERABLE saying things like they were "cheated out of a wedding" and "crushed" and "hurt". All b/c the baby is coming before the wedding. Other comments include "It's too late for a big wedding now" and "they look stupid and foolish."
Is this crazy or is it me? I mean, they have been dating a little under a year, but have known each other for years. But these are grown people with good jobs, two homes between them (meaing they are living in one; renting out the other.)
Is it me, or are ppl being selfish, here? I am totally excited, btw.
Re: How do you feel about having babies before being married?
I think it's a bad idea, and not because their parents get 'cheated' out of a big wedding. Children do better when they are brought in to the world as planned, and part of a solid family group; as opposed to being an oops baby that nudged their parents into early unplanned parenthood.
I hear you.
But both things were/are intended, planned. Not really an "oops" but more not quite the order they expected.
Do I wish they did it in the other order? Yes. But they didn't. So I am not seeing a reason to be MISERABLE over it.
p.s. Sue...I agree with you TOTALLY. I want to make that clear.
I just think ppl are being a little irrational here too. (this situation, not this board...lol)
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I don't think it's cause to be miserable if the cart goes before the horse (if you will). That being said, I am all for marriage then babies. But H and I didn't have sex until after we married because of our beliefs about such things.
As for if they're being selfish, eh. Could they be more supportive, yes. Maybe they are just really disappointed.
I don't think there is anything wrong with any baby "conceived in love,"
However,
I DO think that to have a huge wedding when you know that there will be other expenses (home, baby, education savings) is foolish. I just think there are better uses for your money at that point and you need to plan for your family, not a huge party.
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My only concern about having a baby before marriage is a legal one. There are a lot of automatic protections for both parents in the state of marriage and benefits for all involved.
And honestly, if these two people can't handle the hassling from their parents, I have to wonder about how they will handle an infant.
It depends on the circumstances. Essentially, I believe in the traditional route. Get married, then have babies.
But if a couple does have a baby first, then gets married, I would scale my wedding back a bit. It would be a lot modern than the traditional model.
I agree with PPs that have said it is better when babies come as a part of a marriage, but I also think that people are overreacting here. This is not a great tragedy, and nobody has been cheated out of anything.
Also - I think my opinion may change a tiny bit depending on the age of the parents.
Generally speaking, I think marriage should come first. I don't believe that you should have kids with someone if you haven't formally committed yourselves to eachother.
That being said, surprises happen, and I think their parents are being overly dramatic. It's not the end of the world. I think my biggest concern about these situations is that people might get married because they have the child but wouldn't have married otherwise. If these people truly would have married anyway then I don't think it's that big of a deal.
If I were in this situation (and I knew this was a relationship that would end in marriage) I would probably have a small wedding immediately and forget the big, lavish wedding.
I personally feel that children should only be conceived when the parents are emotionally and financially ready and the interested of the unborn child should be the top priority.
Can an unplanned pregnancy fall under that category? Sure, but it is less likely.
Can a child conceived out of wedlock fall under this category? Sure, but I feel like this is also less likely.
Your friends seem like they are handling it well. The parents are being overly dramatic if they are using the word MISERABLE regarding this situation.
Thanks guys!
They are both 31, and while I agree with many of you that the stituation is not "ideal", the parents are being overly dramatic too.
And it is *me* that is bothered by the reaction, which I am not even exagerating (remember I am close to the situation). The couple is actually kind of giving every one their space and hoping things will settle.
Thanks again.
I mostly feel this way, being that these are 2 mature people, I'm sure things will turn out fine. But I see nothing wrong with still valuing marriage before kids as a standard, it's moralistic but a feel like it would be good for our society to hang onto that.
Did they get pregnant accidentally or intentionally?
accidentally: has happened all the time, since the beginning of time. you cannot blame someone for that. parents need to get over themselves.
intentionally: if someone is anti-marriage, then yes, clearly I understand. But two people who obviously believe in marriage and intend to get married to one another in the near future getting pregnant intentionally before getting married ? that's kind of... ridiculous.
then again, maybe their parents are nuts and they did it intentionally to get out of having a big, ridiculous wedding that would be dictated by their pushy parents. Actually.... that's kind of genius, I almost wish I would have thought of it...
I think the families are being selfish and a little silly over it.
Yes, marriage is extremely important to me and my beliefs, and I truly believe it's best to be married before starting a family, but I've also been a teen mom and so I've lived the life of having a child before marriage.
I would accept the fact that the baby's coming and that the wedding will be different but spectacular none the less. It's about family after all.
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This. I couldn't have said it better.
Considering how high divorce rates are, it doesn't make any difference whether the parents were married prior to conception/birth. Marriage doesn't mean much to most people anymore.
Generically speaking, I think it is a bad idea to plan on. And once it's happened, I think it is silly *not* to get married - immediately if they were already headed that direction.
Specifically to the type of relationship, I think it is silly to have a "grande$$$" wedding rather than, let's plan something simple this weekend (enough notice for MIL/FIL and mom and pop to show up so that they don't feel "cheated"_. To the grandparents position - as a mother, I would be disappointed in how everything transpired, and while I don't think I would voice my opinion about a wedding being silly or foolish, I'd certainly think so if they still felt the need for a big tado (assuming the big tado was going to be post-baby or months away and/or unnecessarily costly). I'd be disappointed in myself, however, if not getting a big tado outshone my delight at welcoming a grandbaby....reading the follow up though, I'm not really believing that they are disappointed that they were cheated out of a big wedding day for their child, so much so that the "adults" already have shown a tendency to lack judgement (and who hasn't) but are not taking care of business right now so that they [the adult parents to be] can, in affect, have a party? I think that might be where the grandparents' "stupid" comments are coming from.
I don't aplogize for my "old fashioned" views on marriage and babies. Just because other people have decided that marriage isn't a big deal doesn't mean that I have to go along with it, or encourage my children to.
This.
Especially the "Feeling ripped off because you didn't get to do the fancy wedding first is ridiculous - you put yourself in that situation and now you get to be an adult and deal with it in an adult way. So stop whining and get to it." part.
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