Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Differences in Families
I think I'm still missing it...
what exactly is supposed to change when/if you guys have kid(s)?
He's going to suddenly be close to his family so they can buy little Beauford presents or what?
Offensive was probably the wrong term.
I am well aware that he has issues, as do I. I don't think a relationship is meant to be easy, I was in one of those relationships where I tried to fix it and it did fail. I don't expect him to not be who he is, ... to finish later.
Why not?
I mean, no, no relationship is easy all the time. But, I've never seen a relationship that was hard at the beginning be a 'good' one--it was usually hard because people were trying to force round pegs into square holes.
The fact that you think relationships should be hard speaks volumes and it's most likely going to mean that you're more likely going to stay in a bad relationship too long (or even forever) because you've convinced yourself it's supposed to be hard.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Sara, Friend?
glove slap. I don't take crap.
I feel like I could have written this post 8+ years ago about my then boyfriend. Who was long distance and I took on as a project. He was immature and was not close to his family. I pushed those things and didn't want to see him for who he was and often fought other people using the same type of language - relationships are supposed to be hard, that's what makes them so good/strong. Boy was I ever naive!
I agree w/ ECB. Relationships go through ups and downs, but for the most part should be easy. It sounds like you want to fix this person, when you have absolutely NO control over their actions.
If you cannot afford to live on your own, I suggest you stay where you are rather than making a rash decision to move in with this person. You shouldn't move in together because you can both afford it together and it makes financial sense. That is the worst reason to move in with someone IMO.
Family time at Christmas, no less. He couldn't break himself away from his cartoons ten minutes early to go spend time with his family?
What grade is he in, anyway?
Well, if your mother said it, then it must be true. No one who ever popped out a baby has ever been wrong, or stupid.
Ten bucks says that she and your father aren't a successful marriage tale, and are instead each privately hoping that the other dies first.
Not that he sounds like a winner, but he's already proven that he won't stand for people who "disrespect" him.
Also, I'm not getting your concern that your family will get used to seeing you two all the time and then have that taken away when you have kids, especially since you are the one pushing for more of a connection with his family. Why would you want to be closer to his family so badly right now but be bothered by it when you're a parent? It doesn't sound like your boyfriend said, "When we have kids we will NEVER see your family, we will only see my family!" And while you might see your family less than you do now, that's just something that happens in life, especially in connection with significant milestones, like getting married or having kids. As circumstances change, your relationships with other people sometimes need to change.
My $.02 would be- rather than focusing on how you want him to change his perspective on family or why you think he should be closer with them or how close you think you could influence them to be, use this as a moment to take a good hard look at your boyfriend. This is who he is, what his perspective is, what he values, how he acts. What you're proposing in your original question is how to change him to think and act more like you want him to. Can you influence people to change their perspective? Sure, it definitely happens. But the real question is- how much are you counting on him changing in order to be happy with the life you have together?
If you're thinking, "I'd like him to be closer to his family, but if it never happens and he continues to be exactly as he is now, I'd still love being with him," then I would back off on the trying to encourage/ influence his relationships with them- it's his family and their relationship to work on, or not, in their own time and for their own reasons. If you're thinking "I can't imagine spending the rest of my life like this, I always wanted to have close extended family on both sides and being with someone who wanted that too," then I would seriously reconsider whether this is the guy for you, and I'd definitely reconsider relocating and moving in with him.
I also say let him decide what kind of relationship he wants to have with his family. There's nothing wrong with suggesting it, but don't push it.
My H comes from a large immediate family; they're close but there tends to be quite a bit of fighting and drama among several of the siblings & adult kids on a regular level so H picks and chooses just how much time he wants to spend with them (usually holidays, birthdays & special occasions with an occasional "just because" dinner and/or visit). My family has always been close and they very seldom argue, and I feel bad that we spend a lot more time with them because the last thing I want my ILs to think is that I'm the one keeping their brother/uncle away - but it's entirely his choice so I have to respect it. I've suggested here and there that we spend more time with his clan but if he doesn't want to, I won't attempt to force him.
BTW....what part of Michigan???
For the most part I agree that you shouldn't try to force something and should definitely let your BF take the lead on this. However, you said that he doesn't want to be close to them until you start a family. I would ask him about that. When you're adjusting to becoming parents might not be the best time to be all, "Okay, I'm done being distant - let's be close now." Kids might be a nice buffer - but if he's willing to do it later - why wouldn't he want to lay the groundwork now? I could see not wanting to do it at all - but I'd want an explanation about why he wants to put it off. And then you just have to accept what he says. it is his family after all.
AND - if you it's important to be close to your significant other's family - then it might be time to evaluate whether or not he is the right SO for you.
He sounds like a douche.
But seriously - my inlaws kiss each other on the lips. I get creeped out by the very thought of kissing someone other than DH/hot celebrity on the lips, especially my inlaws. I sure am not going to start kissing family members on the lips just because it's something my inlaws do.
DS #2 on his way!
Meticulous Motherhood: A Blog
Tinker Drinker: DH's Drinking Blog
lol at 'moments of maturity'. Grown men should have years of maturity; and maybe a few moments of immaturity.
Good luck!!! Don't say you didn't have any warning; and don't say no one ever told you .
Thanks for everyone's input on this topic. We would have been moving to the Portage area, but turns out we got an unexpected offer to go to Indianapolis and we're taking it. Sorry for my absence, my family has recently had an unexpected death and we've been really busy with that. I just got back from the funeral and have had a moment to myself.
I have decided to not press the subject of spending more time with his family, and will let him take the lead. Although I would like to develop a relationship with his parents and/or siblings, I can and will respect his wishes. Again, thank you to everyone for the two cents and advise.
This. DH is really close to his parents and his five brothers. My relationship with my parents and sisters is really rocky; I have very little desire to work on being closer to them. DH is very understanding of this, and supports my decision to distance myself from my family. It'd make things a lot harder on our relationship if he wasn't supportive.
Married to my best friend 6/5/10
BFP #1 9/7/10, EDD 5/14/11, Violet born 5/27/11.
BFP #2 4/9/12, EDD 12/16/12, M/C Rory 4/24/12.
BFP #3 10/6/12, EDD 6/16/12.