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Sh*% my mom says
I?ve been on herebefore for advice on how to deal with my mother, and I?m really strugglingagain with her. I don?t know why she does this to me, it?s like she gets off on hurting me.
So my mother and 18year old sister played a "joke"on everyone on facebook and postedthat my sister was arrested. Then my mom got pissy that everyone in her familywas calling her to see what was going on.
Long story short, Icalled my mother 7 times over the span of about 40 minutes and she wasn'tanswering. She finally answered and snapped "I'm busy" and then hungup on me. She now isn't speaking to me because I called her so many times, andaccording to my dad, said "can't she figure out that I don't want to talkto her". Then she sent a facebook message to my husband basically bashingme for calling her "literally 7 times". She still hasn't called me,emailed me, nothing at all. I called her once today and she isn't answering.WTF.
So DH blocked her and my sister on facebook. I asked why, and he said:Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, f%#* you defriend!
Funny as the situation is, I was up all night crying about it,to be honest. She is now sending facebook messages to my husband slagging meoff for calling her so many times when she was busy and how she is "upsetwith me".
So now she isn't speaking to me, and is pretty much waiting forme to come grovelling back to her apologizing profusely for having harassed herwith worried phone calls about my sister.
This is on top of what she did to me a couple of weeks ago - Iwas having a horrid time at work and came home feeling just "done"with expat life and I called my mother looking for reassurance ( why I crave itfrom her of all people, I just don't know ) and instead I got something alongthe lines of if I came home I would be a loser and would be either flippingburgers or pumping gas and I would be living under the poverty line. I saidthat part of what was upsetting me was that they had just gone on a trip tovisit my aunts and cousins and it sounds like everyone had such a great timeand I'm always so far away that I miss out on everything - to which sheresponded that if I lived at home I wouldn't be able to afford to go anywaybecause I would be living under the poverty line.
Nice, right? There wasn't a shred of - well, you've made it ontwo continents, speak multiple languages and can do anything you set your mindto - nope. Just that coming back to Canada I would be a loser with nothing toshow for my life.
She also says that one of the twins has a weight problem andthat I'm setting her up to be fat for her entire life and I should watch whatshe eats. She's 7 months old, and just fine.
It's everything with her - I called her because my dog was sick andwasn't moving off the ground and I was worried, etc. - her response was thatI've been killing him by feeding him people food and that this is my fault andI should have expected it - just making me feel worse and worse and worse (thisis the dog we spent a fortune on bringing over from China ) - it turns out itwasn't people food issues - it was a tick.
She goes off on me constantly about London - and how I amwasting my life over here because I haven't "seen" London - I'velived here for 3 years and don't like London. So what? That's a crime in herbook, and I'm wasting my life, blah blah blah. She wants to know how we spentour weekends, then slags me off because I didn't spend it "being a touristin my own city". No mom, I went grocery shopping, and to the park with mykids. Just like normal people.
Anyway, if you have gotten this far, thanks for reading. I don'tknow what to do. A part of me wants to just cut her off completely from my lifefor awhile until I learn to react to her better, but a bigger part of me wantsto call her and grovel for her forgiveness and acceptance and love.
I know. How effed up am I, right?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
Re: Sh*% my mom says
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I am rushing to get to work so this won't be that well thought out...
I think that you need to lower your expectations with her. I don't think you necessarily need to cut her off completely from your life or anything, but I do think you need to realize that she is not going to become that warm, fuzzy, comforting, all-wise mother that you wish that she were.
I seem to recall that you are not in counseling for any of this? I do think that would be a good idea for you. I had issues with my parents and mother especially and I got some counseling as an adult and it really helped me to see my parents as just people and try to accept them for who they were, even if I wanted them to be more. They are quite detached from me and I wanted them to be more interested in my life but they just aren't. They're great but I had to accept that they weren't going to get more interested and take them for what they were. That has helped us tremendously.
In your case, your mother sounds like she can be rather mean or at least insensitive. She is not going to be someone who will support you and counsel you on life decisions. So you need to rely on others for that stuff.
I have to run. I am sorry that you are dealing with this! Your babies are adorable!
I know she's your mom and all but I'm gonna come right out and say it. She sounds like a nut job.
Counseling for yourself, and don't bother going out of the way to have an ideal mother/daughter relationship with her because it doesn't sound like she wants one. All she seems to do is make you feel bad about things. You deserve to be happy. GL!
What really sucks is you just want your mom to, you know, be a mom. Someone who will listen to you whine, even if it is something so silly, because that is what mom's do. Trust me, even though my mom and I have a pretty good relationship, she never really was the nurturing type. She has too many issues and I had to learn she will never be that type of mom.
It's hard to come to that realization, especially now when you have children, sometimes it feels like you need them more, if anything, just for peace of mind.
It actually sounds like your mom is jealous. Maybe you have become someone she will never be able to be which is why she has to put you down. People judge so they can feel better about themselves.
Ok, so now you know your mom isn't going to be the mom you need her to be. I agree counseling will definitely help you sort it all out and make you stronger. You seem like a great person, with a great husband and great family. Could I say *great* anymore? LOL.
Good luck. Your mom is a loon
Aren't you a little mad at her? You know, for lying about the FB post, worrying you, ignoring your calls, saying she's busy, blaming you for multiple calls and all those slams about you to your husband?
I mean, I applaud your resilience, but doesn't all that usually trigger some kind of anger? You don't sound angry at all. You sound hurt and wistful and eager to grovel and ask for forgiveness to get this whole mess behind you.
Did your mother teach you to "take it" no matter how bad her behavior got? Is it always your responsibility to smooth things over, never hers? Where you taught to never get angry at your mother? That you would be "bad" if you did?
All those other things that she picked at and criticized, did you ever say "No, mom, you are wrong." Did you tell her she was being mean and harsh and unsupportive? Have you ever? Did you tell her it was a tick?
Your mother has been really mean to you. It's completely reasonable to cry your eyes out. She sounds like she goes on the offense when she is on the defense. So, she gets to be "upset" withyour calls and never has to account for the FB lies and manipulation. Good one.
Cry all you want, your mother is really mean and hurtful. And give yourself permission to be mad, too. Because someone who plays a trick on you, ignores you, and blames you for reaching out is a real prick.
And she doesn't deserve an apology for it. She deserves to GIVE you one.
I think you would be much better off if you never spoke to your mother again. My grandmother sounds a lot like your mom- no matter what you do it's wrong. And not just "Oh, it's not what I would do but whatever", but "Ohmigod you're such an idiot and a loser and you will be a complete failure in life" wrong. My dad finally cut her out of his life. He doesn't regret it one bit. In fact, he wonders why he didn't do it years ago.
You are not obligated to put up with this just because she's your mother, and she is never going to be the mother you want her to be.
She sounds like she gets her jollies from you calling her and basically begging for encouragement and love, and in return she just shoots you down so that you beg for it all the more. She likes to hear you grovel for her attention. What a biitch.
Sorry you have to deal with this. No parent should treat their child this way. Don't put up with it anymore ... stop contacting her to vent or talk about your day and things like that. If you want to keep some form of relationship with her, I might just do a call once or twice a month just to check in. Keep it brief and vague ("How's the weather, is everyone still alive, the kids are fine, see ya").
If she whines and moans that you don't contact her enough, I'd just reply with, "Well, Mom, I never really got the feeling that you cared very much about what I had to say, so it surprises me that you want to talk more often," or something like that. If she starts criticizing you during the call, I would just tell her that you're not paying long-distance phone fees to be talked down to, and then say goodbye and hang up.
If you don't want to call her anymore, I wouldn't blame you. You could always just wait around for her to call you, and then follow the same plan ... keep it to vague small talk, and end the call if she starts being a jerk.
Again, sorry that she's doing this to you. There's no excuse for that kind of mean behavior. I know people who do that to their adult kids ... I don't know if it's a desire to hurt them, per se, but it just seems like one big attention grab. The parents LOVE to have their kids feel like they did something wrong, so that the kids beg for the parents' forgiveness or get guilted into doing things for them because they just want their parents to love them and support them. Like PPs said, I'm sure you could benefit from seeing a counselor about this.
Just like the post before your twins were born, I am going to recommend counseling again for you.
Don't call her. All she does is kick you while you are down or turn it around on you.
I'd not contact her for a month or so, while you figure out, with the help of a therapist, what you want to do. Maybe you have a very minimal relationship with her and talk to her a few times a year or maybe you cut her off completely. But, she can't be your source of support anymore.
Ditto all of this. I see you as putting your mother first and foremost always instead of yourself. Please seek out some counseling for yourself. This will help you realize that everything isn't your fault, you don't deserve to be constantly dumped on/treated horrendously by her and most importantly - you don't have to take this type of behavior and apologize to HER when she hurts you.
I'm crowding Jesus on the cross and need to quit my damn complaining?
What is your problem, Kuus? Seriously. Have I offended you greatly in some way by coming to a public message board and reaching out for a bit of help? Or do you feel that because I've posted about a similar issue on here before, I no longer deserve help and I am wasting your precious time?
In fact, I'd think that at the very least people on this forum who cannot/will not offer advice, support or share their own stories can at least read my post and get some nice lunchtime forum reading entertainment out of it.
As for why I asked my husband why he was deleting my mother from his facebook account, yes, I knew the reason. And yes, I deleted her and my sister as well. I included that in my post because I thought that his response of "Fool me once, shame on me, fool me twice - f&*$ you defriend" was hysterical and thought that people might get a kick out of it.
Furthermore, I am trying to deal with this. Since her "gas pumping loser" comment I've started on antidepressants and have CBT lined up to start next month. I was just coming here for a little venting, a little validation that my mother really is a piece of work and that I'm not crazy for feeling the way that I do and to see how other people would and have dealt with similar situations.
How is that me "crowding Jesus on the cross"? And furthermore, how in the world did my post offend you so greatly that you felt the need to lash out at me like that?
As for everyone else, thank you very much for your responses, a lot of it is exactly what I needed to hear and greatly appreciate the time that you took. You had me feeling pretty normal and uplifted for awhile there.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Exactly. You need to lower your expectations of her, as she obviously isn't capable of giving you what you want.
Kuus is right, are you just coming here to feel validated or do you actually want concrete advice on how to deal with this situation? It seems as though we always give you the same advice, then you don't post for a few months and then come back and post something else that your mother did.
It does get exhausting giving the same advice over and over to the same person. It's like we are beating our heads against a wall. In your case, you have the power to change this dynamic. It's really on you to do it though and no "uplifting comments to validate your feelings" is going to change how you interact with your mother or help you create boundaries in your relationship with her.
Ditto, Trish.
You know, sometimes complex problems (like the OP's issue with her emotionally abusive mother) aren't easily or quickly solved. Most of the time, in fact, it is a long process and can take many different tactics, insights, and confrontations before the issue is solved to the satisfaction of the person going through it.
The OP is facing something that most of you probably never will- the fact that her mother is abusive, and probably has been for her entire life. This isn't something that will be magically solved in a post or two.
Your ignorance and lack of compassion really just highlight how privileged you must be. While that's nice for you, if you don't have anything constructive to add, maybe you should just shut up. There are real people on the other side of your computer screen, and I would bet my life that you wouldn't have the balls to say these things to her if she were in front of you, so perhaps you should rethink your approach online.
OP - I'm sorry that your mother isn't willing to set aside her abusive behavior and apologize. I'm glad that you're getting the help you need. If it were me, I would definitely limit contact with her as much as possible. Is she adding anything positive to your life? If not, you should discuss this with your therapist and figure out a game plan for your future interactions with her. Sometimes even coming up with a "script" for speaking with her can help you maintain your calm without backing down or allowing her to emotionally and verbally abuse you.
What she's doing is not ok. Please know that there are people who have been there, and who will be supportive of your efforts to deal with this difficult situation.
We do have constructive things to add, and we've added them for what seems like YEARS. And while yes, it is a process, a process has to get started, and doing nothing but whining and going back for more isn't the process.
So yeah, go ahead and keep on coddling her and telling her how TERRIBLE her mother is, and how SORRY you feel for her, then poke your head back in here next year and see how much progress she has made. Ten bucks says that it's none at all.
Please don't assume that we haven't been there because a lot of us have and that's why we can give constructive advice. I have separated away from this same type of relationship with my mother and father, and although it is a long process - as Kuus said - you have to start somewhere. The OP just keeps going around in circles, unwilling to take the first step to helping herself.
You know what Kuus, I seriously don't know what it is that I've done to offend you this much, or why you feel it is necessary to continue to be hurtful in your responses. I can guess that you are trying to be helpful in some way, but to me you are just coming across as a bully.
I have a feeling that your tone toward me wouldn't change despite the situation. I'm guessing that if I posted something about how I've completely cut her out of my life, you'd slag me off for not having done it faster. If I posted about how I just killed the biitch, you'd post that I should have done it sooner.
Instead, I post about further problems that I'm having, and that I'm getting the help for it that was previously suggested (antidepressants and therapy, which was a very difficult step for me ) but am looking for further coping strategies and support in dealing with new incidents - but according to you I don't deserve that. My presence annoys and offends you.
So you say something aggressive and hurtful to me and I'm meant to be left feeling as though your hurtfulness and aggression toward me is justified because I deserved it, I've done something wrong.
I'm sensing a trend here....
Mom???
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Tofu - I do not mean the following to be snarky in any way.
I think you need to examine why exactly you feel so compelled to keep responding to someone who is criticizing you and whose opinion you say you don't value. If you don't like what she has to say, ignore it. When you put something out on the internet for complete strangers to see, you are going to get a variety of responses, some of which you won't like. WHY do you let it affect you so much?
You don't have to respond, just something for you to critically think about.
I would also suggest (not because I think your mother is at all right to criticize you for this) that you get out and "see" London a little more. I imagine that part of what is contributing to your depression is that you don't like where you live. London really is a great city, with so much to see and do. Perhaps you would be happier there if you explored a little more. Get a babysitter one day and go out with your husband on one of those bus tours. Go to high tea. Go to a play at the Globe Theatre. You may find that getting out and doing something different from time to time helps your mood.
Anyway, just a suggestion.
OMG this is funny. You are absolutely, absolutely right, and it is the same effing thing that I do with my mother - there's no point!
And this is why I've signed up for therapy.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
So anyone that calls you out for being unnecessarily hurtful is "doing the martyr thing"?
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
I have just returned to this thread to see the other replies. I think the dynamic that has developed is very interesting and in some ways mirrors your situation with your mother.
Kuus is often cryptic and makes pointed statements (I love Kuus, don't get me wrong, I remember her way back when she was LadyKuus). She made an observation/criticism and you are somewhat fixating on that. But generally, that is the kind of advice Kuus gives. You are taking what she said to heart a bit too much and you are allowing it to upset you more than you probably should. I am guessing that this dynamic is similar to what happens with your mother.
I think that with your mother you need to lower your expectations and limit your conversations. That will give her less power to hurt you. I get it--you want your mother to be nurturing (as you deserve) but she, sadly, will never be that person for you. I know it is easier said than done but I feel like you need to distance yourself and talk to your mother about the weather or whatever. And if she still gets too critical, hang up the phone. Find other supports so that you can call your friend or H and say "Oh I just talked to my mother" and they'll know right away how you're probably feeling and help you stay centered.
I have a close friend with a terrible, abusive, neglectful mother. She had YEARS of therapy, starting at 3x per week. She is now able to keep in contact with her mother but roll her eyes at her mom's comments and call one of her girlfriends to share the crazy/insensitive latest thing her mother said to her. I think you can get there too but right now you are taking it all much too personally.
I am proud of you for making a therapy appointment and getting on meds. Those are great steps. I think that CBT is not the best, perhaps, of the methods, for your issues, but what the heck do I know?
Haven't posted in a while, but congrats on your twins. They are adorable.
I *think* that part of the point of Kuus's post is that you have posted the same song and dance about your awful mom and her sh*t for quite a while now. You look to her for loving mom advice, she lets you down. You talk to her and all she does is say nasty things. You call her and she makes you cry. She lies. She is mean. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Yet...Yet...YET you seem to have a selective memory and just keep throwing yourself on the sword again and again. WHY would you call her to "lift you up" when her past behavior indicates that she, out of all people in your life, would be the worst choice for this? Why would you call her to help you feel better about your sick dog? Why would you expect her to be sympathetic to your complaints (which are valid and any sane person would listen and give some supportive advice).
Until you yourself can actively reach the point of making the choice to STOP engaging in this self-destructive behavior (and I hope you can, with therapy), you are going to keep going around and around the same cycle. And everytime you post about it, we bang our heads to the desk b/c it's the same.exact.thing, just a new story.
Your mom is abusive. Until you can see that yourself AND do something about it, nothing NOTHING NOTHING will change.