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Am I horrible for skipping my nephew's first birthday party?
Every year I participate in a large team sports event for a local charity. It is a big time and I look forward to it every year. As this is my nephew's first bithday party, it did not even occur to me a few months ago when planning started for the tournament that I needed to let my sister know that I am obligated on that day and to please consider it when planning the party. Well, officially, they are on the same day and she tells me that I'm just going to have to tell them I have a family obligation.
Now I'm not saying that my nephew's party is not a big deal. It is and I love him very much. I wouldn't miss it just b/c I want to put my feet up on a Saturday or go shopping or to lunch with friends. But this event is also a big deal to me. It is my 5th year participating and I always look forward to it and plan for teams, tshirts, etc. every year. I don't think my sister understands this b/c she doesn't really do anything like that that I know of.
The party is going to be like 30-40 people. I will stand around talking to all of my other family members as well as folks that I don't know. I will not really get to hold my nephew or play with him b/c I'm not one to insist on holding the baby when there are 25 others waiting to do so. It will be everything that first birthday party should be and then some.
No, there isn't a way to do both events. The timing of the two makes it impossible. I would like to attend my tournament and participate as I always do and go to see my nephew the following day, when I can see him and play with him and have him focus on his gift and interact with me.
Truthfully, he's not going to remember either day, but there is going to be a more genuine reaction if I make a separate trip outside of his party. However, I don't think my sister cares or sees it that way. She's trying to make it like I don't care about family or I don't care about her kids, but I am the first one to always attend family stuff, even though we have family get togethers for everything.
Thoughts from other mothers? Am I horrible if I don't go the party?
Re: Am I horrible for skipping my nephew's first birthday party?
That party isn't really a big deal. I wouldn't even criticize you if you were lying about the sporting event.
And if I were you, I'd guilt trip your sister for not supporting you, her family, in this charity work.
This. I like the idea of going by with a gift. It shows that you do care and you are making an effort.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
I do not understand, at all, some people's demands for attendance at family events.
So, I have no idea why your sister would tell you to tell "them" that you have a family obligation. What the hell? So, since I can't understand her POV at all, I am no help to you.
I have missed major family holidays, like Thanksgiving and much to my mother's surprise, no one actually died as a result of my lack of attendance.
I will say, that since your sister doesn't understand (or want to understand) the scope of your commitment, your actions will say that you would rather go to the charity event, than to the 1st birthday party. There is nothing inherintely wrong with that, but it seems like your siste ris poised to give you a great deal of grief about it. Be prepared to own your decision. Not explain it to her, but to know it is the right thing to do in your own heart/mind. No one can guilt you without your permission.
Oh hell no. She's just going to have to accept the fact that she is not the center of the universe.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Not horrible at all.
Sorry your sister is being such a pill though.
I don't think you're horrible, you have another obligation.
and yes, my sister would guilt me out big time too!
No. You pledged yourself to this event first. Your nephew will have a birthday every year, and like you said, he won't remember it. Just because you're not there to witness him throwing cake all over the place, it doesn't mean you don't care. You can still show him your love by going before or after the tournament or the next day and spend some one on one time with him..
And I agree with PP that said your sister is being a douche. You have obligations of your own. She needs to get over it.
New mom here and totally going against the grain of the pps. I think its completely horrible and selfish of you to not go to your nephew's first birthday party! I think its ridiculous for your argument to be that its his first and won't remember it anyway. Your family and especially your sis WILL remember.
I would be extremely hurt if my sis didn't come to my daughter's 1st birthday. It's in 3 months and is a VERY big deal to me! Do you really not see how important this is to her?!? You are making a very hurtful and selfish decision, IMO. What's more important in life? A sporting event or family? For one lousy year you miss a sporting event, boo-freaking-hoo. Do it next year since you are the one who didn't plan ahead and coordinate about the date of the party.
You don't have kids, you have no idea how important this is to your sister. It is a huge milestone and a big deal. Are you married? Did your sister skip out on supporting you on your wedding day for a sporting event? C'mon people. Have some sympathy for the new-mom sister and how she will feel. OP, not going to the sporting event isn't going to crush and hurt someone's feelings. It's not going to cause any resentment like you could potentially cause in you and your sister's relationship. Remember, you just might have a child one day and think about what you're setting yourself up for.
ETA Maybe your attendance isn't as important to your sister like I would feel. Ask her.
Dude, you are so one of "those moms". Lighten up a little bit. No one really cares about your kid's first birthday party except the parents and maybe the grandparents. The kid isn't going to remember it. It's not that important.
I'm pretty sure I said, "I think its ridiculous for your argument to be that its his first and won't remember it anyway. Your family and especially your sis WILL remember."
Bottom line: If its important to her sister, she should support her and be there for her. If its not that important to her sister, then whatever goes.
My DD's first birthday is important to me and both my siblings. They already have kids and my DD is my first
) I feel bad for you that you think no one cares about a child's first birthday aside from parents and grandparents. Or maybe I'm just lucky that my siblings are supportive of me and their lil' niece. I sure am thankful.
Um, ABC, you are calling the poster selfish when in fact you are being selfish and demanding your whole family be at your kid's birthday party. People's lives don't revolve around you because you decided to breed.
For God's sake, she is organizing and participating in a charity event, how in the world is SHE selfish?
Also, please don't play the "you don't have kids, youll never understand" card. Im so sick of hearing that.
You keep saying why this is so important, but you never explain why. Why is this birthday so important? I honestly do not see why this is such a big deal and why it is so important to you. Please explain so that I can understand your side.
If you say it's because it's a milestone, why does she have to be present for this one and not others? First steps, seem like a pretty big deal to me, first word, 18th birthday, 21st birthday, graduations, do you expect all of your family members to attend every single one of these milestones?
NEWS FLASH for ABC: The world does not revolve around you or your precious little child. If you are going to be crushed if someone else doesn't drop everything important in their lives for something you want them to do, then YOU are the one with the problem, not them. If you are going to harbor resentment toward another adult because they don't make the choice sin life YOU want them to make, then YOU are the one with the problem, not them. Honestly, you should get some professional help because you are setting yourself up for a miserable life and *that* will actually affect your child, not the fact that someone can't make their 1st birthday party.
I didn't attend either of my nieces 1st birthday parties and they still love me and we have a wonderful relationship.The world did not stop spinning.
ABC, what about what's important to the OP?? Do her activities and interests not count because "she doesn't have kids?" Organizing this event makes her happy.
And the I agree with the PPs that said a child's birthday party is more important to the parents than it is to everyone else. Just because she may not be at his party, doesn't mean she won't be around for his birthday. She'll still be with him; it just might not be during the same time everyone else is laughing and oohing and ahhing while he sticks his hands and face in the cake.
Like I said before, kids have birthday parties every year. Missing one is not going to kill anybody. People have things they like/want to do that trump the priorities of everyone else.
Why does what her sister want trump what SHE wants? Why does one flippin' event mean so much? Why does a relationship have to hinge on these Hallmark "milestones"? Why do people think that because they have a child, suddenly their wants and desires are more important?
People like you are infuriating. And yes, I have a child, and no, I did not throw a hissy fit if someone chose not to celebrate my daughter's first birthday. It was important TO ME. But I have the maturity to understand that it is not that big of a deal to the rest of the whole flippin world.
The same could be said about her event. Her sister should know about this - it's been every year for five years - and support her and be there for her by taking the event into account when planning a kid's birthday.
Considering what matters to other people goes both ways, not just the direction of the person with the kid.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I don't think it makes you a "horrible" person. But I do kind of think it makes you sort of oblivious. Did you not remember when your nephew was born? You may have set your date first, but your sister has been looking forward to this for about a year. Also, you didn't even tell your sister what date you had picked for your charity event. How was she supposed to know about this charity event?
I am 18 and 1/2 years older than my cousin. Our family is fairly small, and it is important to everyone to show up for BIG birthdays. I would never have dreamed of missing his first birthday. Maybe you don't care about the memories, but your sister might. I don't have kids, I'm only 21, but I expect my family to be there for me, just as I have been for them.
A first birthday isn't just a celebration of the child turning 1. It is a celebration of your sister to have made it through a year of parenting. It's to say "We made it!" I understand you want to be with your friends, and show support for your charity. This BIG birthday only happens once though. Since you seem to love planning this Charity event, most likely you will plan another next year and the year after. You'll go to those and enjoy them just as much.
I know, why should you give up your event for your sisters? Yes, yours is very important. But this one will only happen once. Maybe next year when you coordinate your sporting event again, you could tell your sister early, and maybe even invite her and her family. There are never too many people to support a charity.
I would give up the event this one year. Next year hold your ground. Who wants to see the terrible twos?
Thank you for the good, belly laugh. Great stuff. Ya, my baby's 1st birthday is important and I would be really hurt if my sis didn't come, as would she if I didn't bother showing up at important things in her DD's life. I should totally go to a psychiatrist for that... lmao. Oh and I am completely sure my DD is going to have a miserable life too because I care about family togetherness, not all the time but when something is important to any of us. So crazy for me to teach the importance of family when it's just as important to be self-absorbed and care more about strangers than your own family. sure thing.
Where exactly did I proclaim to be the spokeperson for every new mom? I just said, "coming from a new mom...."
Also, I stated that her sis might not feel the way I would, and said to ask her. Mmmkay?
30-40 people for a 1st birthday party? Maybe it's because I have a small family but the only people at my son's first birthday, DH and I and our parents. I always think that huge parties for such young children are just the Mother's way of showing off and really it's a party for them, getting to host such an event. Flame away but really... get off the high horse and save the bitching for when the kid can actually talk and notice that the aunt isn't there.
Go to your event, the world doesn't need to stop for a birthday party.
Really? How dare the OP not take into consideration her sister's spawn when planning events in her own life.
I do not understand how OP's absence at this birthday party makes the party any less "special" or "memorable" for her sister. Sister will be busy AWing herself and her baby to 30-40 other people to even notice OP is missing.
I love how you crazies are making this birthday party a hill to die on, as if it is in any way significant over the course of a lifetime. What is significant is the OP's continued support and loving relationship with the child, and attendance or absence from this social even will not in any way change that.
That fact that you would actually resent someone for not attending something that is important to you is unhealthy. My in-laws are very much like you, and really try to lay on guilt trips when Dh cannot attend a family event, even when they do not make sure the date will work for him. They, and it sounds like you, are emphasizing family togetherness to such an extreme that it may very well cause problems. If you would guilt trip and resent your daughter because she could not attend a family gathering, you will very likely have a strained relationship with her.
Family is also very important to my family (immediate and extended). However, if someone cannot attend a very important event, it's okay. No one throws out accusations about that person not caring, or hold any resentment against them, or have hurt feelings about it. Just because that person can't attend the event does not mean they don't care about the event or the people involved or that they aren't happy and excited.
You seem to be more concerned about a warm body attending an event than you do about your actual family members.
This! How familial is it to cause a rift in the family over an event like this?