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desperately not trying not to take it personally...
This is a long story but I desparately need some opinions! My husband and I just bought our first house a month ago and it's a foreclosure that we are renovating. My FIL is very handy and he's teaching my husband how to do do all the projects that need done before we move in next week. We have been working around the clock getting it move-in ready.
Since we were only able to put my name on the mortgage when we financed until my husband finds steady work- the lender bank's policy would only allow my name on the original deed (in Ohio my husband still signs the deed for survivorship rights since the house was purchased after we got married) When they published the title transfer in the newspaper my name was the only one on the house although we planned to add my husband after we received the deed from title company (which isn't for 90 days). After seeing the newspaper my FIL called my husband and told him that he refused to do any work on the house or help install our cabinets until my husband was properly represented on the deed. We are moving in a week!! He said he was hurt because we said we were both on the deed and that we lied. I explained the situation to him and how he is represented because we are a married couple he yelled and told me that he didn't believe me that we couldn't both be listed on the property right away and that I was lying. He kept saying that he would resume working after it was fixed and that he just "felt strongly about this
So I had to jump through a ton of hoops and inconvenience a lot of people but we got it done in two days all while working a full time job, packing, and renovating a house. The process involved a lawyer, a notary, the county recorder, and two checks written. My FIL kept calling and asking if it was taken care of yet.
Now that my in-laws' labor strike is over they are constantly at the house and my husband doesn't really see an issue as to why i feel uncomfortable. I feel like they overstepped a boundary into our finances and I definitely don't see an apology coming for this ever. I'm afraid there will be more of this kind of presence from them in the future. It pretty much feels like there is an elephant in the room when I'm over there with them and I'm really not as excited about buying and renovating our first house as I was a week ago. Any ideas on how to deal with this awkward situation? Please help!
Re: desperately not trying not to take it personally...
I see his point, especially if your husband put money down on the home.
to put it in perspective, i would never, ever approve of my daughter of buying a home with her SO without her name on all paperwork. Never.
You have an H problem. The first time my H let my FIL call me a liar & yell at me his @ss would be on the couch if it was still in the house at all.
Your FIL sounds like a jerk & I'm thinking the apple didn't fall far from the tree. How is any of this your fault or responsibility. I realize the economy is crap right now, but it's not your fault, unless I'm missing something, that your H isn't working and therefore wasn't on the original deed.
IMO you are not nearly mad enough, especially at your H.
1) WhyTH do his parents know anything about the financial details behind your home purchase? Absolutely none of their business to begin with.
2) If your DH agrees with his father, he should have waited until he could have been on the mortgage before purchasing the house.
3) If my FIL ever made a comment like that and my DH actually had the balls to agreed with him, I'd be telling him to move out of MY house.
4) Hire a contractor to finish the work needed.
Samfish, I get when you're coming from as far as wanting his son to protect his finances, but I don't see how that gives him the right to call her & yell at her. He could have called his son and had an adult conversation rather than blaming his DIL.
And, to add to that, while I understand the idea behind not wanting your child to make this type of decision, I hope you understand that if your child is old enough to be involved in the purchase of a house, a parent no longer have the right to "approve" or not for them. You can advise against it, but it's their decision, not yours.
I agree with Belichick.
Another POV - not married yet but I'm buying a house and BF is helping with the DP & bills. His father & grandparents will likely have the same attitude your FIL did. But in our case, we aren't married, so not much they can do here.
I wouldn't have backed down though. Why couldn't DH do the repairs himself? Are they things that require two people?
Yup, this is an H problem. He needed to intervene with his dad, tell him that he was not allowed to yell at you ever and if FIL has a problem or is concerned about a situation, he should take it up with H, his son. Your H should have told FIL that FIL was insulting his intelligence by thinking that H would allow himself to be ripped off. That FIL was insulting his wife by thinking that she is ripping him off.
I would take that personally.
But now you know that FIL is a jerk who thinks you are capable of taking advantage of his son. From now on, refuse *all* of his offers to help. Yes, this will be a total pain but you don't accept favors from people who think so badly of you. Move in, deal with the additional chaos and limp by until you can pay a professional to complete the projects.
You do not want to be beholden to such people.
Why in the world would your FIL care enough to look up the deed/title to your house to check if both your names were on it? Or this is something he just came across in the newspaper?
Your husband should have told him that it was none of his business, as it is none of his business.
I don't need anyone's help enough to let them yell at me and call me names.
I'm not sure why it is you jumped through any hoop for this asss. It's not 'free' help if it comes with strings.
I don't really blame FIL all that much for being concerned that your H's name is not on the deed (although why was he informed of that in the first place?* It's none of his business). Like a PP said, I would be a bit concerned if I found out that my child, even as an adult, was buying a house with someone and was not included on the paperwork.
However, that's NO excuse for him to yell at you and accuse you of being a liar. And shame on him for blackmailing you into "jumping through hoops" in order to earn his precious help. Your husband should've told him to STFU and go home in that case.
You absolutely SHOULD take it personally that he called you a liar and yelled at you. The "I'm uncomfortable with my son buying a home and not having his name on the deed" thing ... yeah, I can understand that that's a parental concern and nothing personal against you as an individual. But calling you a liar and yelling at you? Screw him.
*ETA: after re-reading I see that he found out about it from the newspaper. Honestly, I wouldn't have blamed him for calling you guys to see why your H wasn't on the title, although it's ultimately none of his business if you guys didn't want to explain it.
I don't think there's really anything wrong with a parent expressing concern, but ONCE is plenty. Ideally, your H should've said, "Thanks for your concern but we have this handled," and FIL should've dropped it. He has zero excuse to yell at you.
Huh?
OP ... that's REDICULOUS! Period. Sounds like interesting times ahead with your in-laws. No advice, just don't take their crap. Oh well if they don't want to help, I'd just move on without them. Move in when it wasn't finished. I would NOT accept any help if they're going to act like jerks. You also have a DH problem, if he thinks this ISN'T a problem or weird...
Also ... I'm recently married, and consider my home, my DH's and my home, although I initially purchased it, and it is in my name only, and it will stay in my name only unless we need to refinance. It's just not a big deal. My DH's father is also VERY handy, and has been over multiple times to help out with stuff, water heater, flooring replaced, etc....
Definitely weird. And highly immature of FIL.
Your FIL is a bit nutty if he actually went to the trouble of watching for the transaction to show up in the newspaper, and it's even nuttier that your husband doesn't think any of this is a problem. When your FIL called to berate you, your husband should have been the one explaining the situation to him. When your FIL called you a liar, your husband should have been the one to say that no one will talk to his wife that way.
In the future, do not ask your FIL for any help, with anything. He will take it as an admission that he has a right to meddle in your business. As for your husband, it's time for a come-to-Jesus talk. If he doesn't understand why you're upset, you've got big problems. Oh, and I wouldn't be spending any more time with people who called me a liar and didn't apologize.
ETA: I just noticed the title of your post, and I have to ask, why are you trying not to take this personally? Your FIL insulted you, and it IS personal.
I think your husband should have explained this to them...not you...it would have been better coming from him.
Now that it's done, you have to come up with a plan going forward to not allow them to be so involved...I think once you and your husband figure that out, you'll feel better going forward
And then it's my decision not to put my time and effort into fixing up this house as well.
Also:
He said he was hurt because we said we were both on the deed and that we lied. I explained the situation to him and how he is represented because we are a married couple he yelled and told me that he didn't believe me that we couldn't both be listed on the property right away and that I was lying
You did end up getting your husband's name on the deed, so it was possible to do, right?
just digging a little deeper, how much downpayment did you make and who contributed?
Yes, she explained everything in her OP:
Since we were only able to put my name on the mortgage when we financed until my husband finds steady work- the lender bank's policy would only allow my name on the original deed (in Ohio my husband still signs the deed for survivorship rights since the house was purchased after we got married) When they published the title transfer in the newspaper my name was the only one on the house although we planned to add my husband after we received the deed from title company (which isn't for 90 days).
Thanks- his dad originally wanted to lend us the cash to buy the house so we would be just pay them back instead of having a mortgage. I'm kind of glad we didn't because I'm not sure he would have allowed me on the deed at all!
Believe me I was definitely angry- I'm still afraid I'm going to give them too big of a piece of my mind if they bring it up... and yes he saw the deed in the newspaper. My H is a good guy and did stand up for me asking his mom and dad why they were doing this and the answer was simply that "this is something he feels strongly about." He admitted to me that his dad is being ignorant but I guess this is just a clue about how my H grew up- I guess there's no reasoning with his dad. My family is far more open-minded.
We are definitely grateful for all their help I just wish we would have moved farther away! This is my first experience with any type of in-law interference. Hopefully when the house is finished we can have our life back- as of now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed. My H apologized to my family for it explaining that his dad is "old fashioned" and I think that is just a nice way of saying control freak.
I know, and at the end she said when she jumped through hoops she got his name on the deed. As far as FIL is concerned, she did lie about it.
I do agree that it's not his business, but he does know. He also knows the house was bought with the intention of him helping to fix it up and it being worth more, yet it still is, on paper, just hers.
Again, knowing who came up with downpayment money may sway my thoughts.
This is not an excuse to let his dad run roughshod over you, and it doesn't address how problems like this will be handled in the future. It doesn't sound like FIL has suffered any consequences for treating you so poorly, and crossing your fingers is just not a viable strategy. Your FIL has learned that if he is a jerk, he gets his way. I don't know why you would expect that to change in the future.
Again, you need to have a very serious conversation with your husband about how much involvement your parents (both sets) will have in your lives and how you will handle it as a couple when someone crosses the line.
So, FIL isn't worried about his son "losing" if things shouldn't work out then. Yikes, I stand corrected, your H needs to school FIL.
Just a thought, but if they are a married couple buying a house then THEY made the down payment TOGETHER as a UNIT.
I seriously hope in the future your DD will figure out how to stand up to you when you treat her SO like crap.. which you sound like you're planning on doing....
I appreciate your weariness however e didn't lie- husband told him he did sign the deed as far as dower rights are concerned and FIL must have misunderstood. In Ohio both spouses have the same rights to the house regardless of whose name is on the deed. The bank would not allow us jointly on the original deed b/c of financing and they said we could add him later; however we still haven't received the original deed from the title company since it takes them 90 days to process and it's been 30.
I wouldn't be so upset if he had asked us about the situation instead of demanding that something be fixed when we didn't do anything wrong.
Ditto.
No your DH is not a good guy. A good guy would:
Not allow his dad to call his wife a liar
Not allow his dad to yell at his wife
Not allow his wife to jump thru hoops to appease his dad
Not make excuses for his dads behavior
What a good guy would have done is to have told his parents that is was either none of their business and that until they could speak civilly to his wife and appologize for calling her a liar they would not be welcome in his home.
A dickless wonder would do what your DH did.