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My Parents Didn't Come to My Wedding (Long)
My boyfriend (now husband) was very close to my Dad. My Dad was building a house in the Caribbean for his retirement and they would go and pick out items and building materials for it. They even gardened together. It was so cute I would even make jokes about it. My mom and I on the other hand don't have a very close relationship for reasons too numerous to tell here. So she knew about my boyfriend but never really got to know him well, since her and I rarely speak ourselves. Well, we decided to get married and happily told both sets of parents. I immediately knew there was a problem because my mom was much less than happy and would not even say congratulations for about 2 weeks. Her exact statement was "I can't even say I'm happy for you."
We told my Dad over the phone because we couldn't wait and he was out of town. From that day on, he NEVER called my boyfriend again. When I got a chance to sit down and speak to my mom she told me frankly 'he's a nobody, he's broke, he doesn't make 60k/yr, he's just using you for your money'. The backdrop to this is that I'm going to be a physician soon (graduating next month, it was about a year away at the time). My mom actually told me that she would only be in support of our marriage if we got a prenup that she approved! That was the final straw.
Subsequent occurrences:
1. Found out our prenup would cost 4k just to draft! The only time my parents were willing to sit down and talk to us. Mom told me that it wouldn't be so bad if we were pregnant, but she couldn't understand us getting married.
2. My dad kicked me out of the apartment he was letting me stay in (he owns the building) because he didn't want my boyfriend living there because 'a man is supposed to have a place for his wife'. Then cut my electricity off and changed the locks 4 days after we returned from our honeymoon because I wasn't spending the nights there, but rather spending them with my husband.
3. My mom told my entire family (really, all of mom's side, because I didn't know dad's side growing up because they were divorced) that our marriage was illegal and for convenience, that I was marrying him to stop his deportation (he's not a citizen), that I took out a 20k loan to pay for our wedding - ALL MALICIOUS LIES! Our wedding had 80 invited guests, 35 of which were all my family members. Not one of them showed up (uncles, aunts, grandma, cousins) not even my mom or dad!
4. Mom told me that she was wearing black to my wedding because I told guests not to wear white. Apparently that's a crime. But she said she was gonna buy a black hat and veil too, cause it would be my funeral. I then told her she couldn't come if she did that. We spoke after that as well and she said she would come, but didn't anyway.
5. My dad called me 1 week before the wedding to tell me he couldn't walk me down the aisle. This is after having stood me up twice in the bridal shop waiting for him in my wedding dress for hours until the store closed each time. I paid for my own dress and my dad never saw it 
6. While my dad refused to pay for or see my wedding dress, kicked me out, cut off my electricity - he has continued building his home in the Caribbean - to the tune of 1.3 MILLION DOLLARS!
I'm not a problem child, have always done well in school, am about to be a physician, found a man I love and who loves me, but I honestly believe that my mom ruined my wedding because he's not a doctor, feeding everyone lies and making them believe our marriage was a lie. My mom is very $$$ oriented and she really counted on me coming back to live in her house and paying her mortgage. For other reasons in the past, I will never live in her home again.
I'm just so angry that my wedding turned into such a nightmare during the planning. The day was beautiful but the memories are hard to bare. My mom is coming around to my husband, but he's understandably very resistant to accepting her into his life. My dad hasn't spoken to me since then, about 8 months ago except to harass me about leaving his property around the time of the wedding.
To top it all off, my mom has had some health problems since, and acts like she's been the most loving mom ever. She basically acts like this whole thing never happened. What's a girl to do? What would you do?
Re: My Parents Didn't Come to My Wedding (Long)
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Sorry, that sucks that your parents are so toxic. I would cut them out of my life.
If you've not done so before, you might try some counseling sessions with someone that handles family issues. That will give you a lot of perspective and help clarify what you would like to do in the future.
GL
Well, all we have is your story. Going on your words- if it's really about your mom being money oriented and that's it and otherwise, your DH really is a good guy....
I don't know that I would really even want a relationship w/ my family after this.
But I have to say - this all seems SO extreme, it's hard to believe that it's really just about $$.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I also felt the same way and literally begged them for the real reason. They never gave me another reason.
I guess that's another problem. No one can believe how extreme things are. Me and my sister were sexually abused by my moms new husband (who made lots of $$$) when we were pre-teens. He abruptly left when he got scared we would tell and he'd be arrested. We told her about it a couple years later when we got the courage. Her response...."You b*tches are ruining my life!" and then stopped paying my sister's high school tuition. Yes, it is that extreme
Hmm, I don't know that I find this story extreme or unbelievable. If her mom has always been abusive, it isn't that far fetched that she would remove her support suddenly, as a form of punishment.
I had two very close friends in college whose parents no showed at their wedding, simply because the were upset their children were entering into an interracial marriage. And these were families where there wasn't physical abuse.
You didn't live there anymore, right? You were living elsewhere with your husband, I presume?
Well, it's a crime against etiquette. You don't get to dictate how adults dress.
How your father chooses to spend his money is exactly none of your business.
They're my parents.....I know that's lame, but all I can come up with. I don't want to be so bitter that I'd let my mom suffer with her illness without any support, although I'm pretty sure she would do this to me.
Just because someone gave birth to you doesn't mean they deserve to be in your life.
You really could benefit from some counseling to sort through this.
It's not about money for me. They are my parents and this hurt is about the relationship. If you had a good relationship with your parents, you mean to tell me that you wouldn't want some form of involvement? Buying my wedding dress was about a 'fatherly' thing, not money, which is why I purchased my dress. I'm not a spoiled child, I worked hard through school to get full scholarships all the way through college and took out my own loans to pay for med school.
You could say the same thing about your kids, but how would they feel about you? That's really the issue.
But look at how they're treating you. They are not treating you with any love at all, in fact they're purposefully trying to make your life worse. Why would you be interested in any kind of relationship with people who are intentionally trying to hurt you?
I also suggest counseling to figure out why you're willing to put up with their bad behavior.
I agree. I've gone to counseling previously, but not since this whole fiasco
I think you move forward with your life, without them playing a role in your future-including aunts, uncles, etc.
All of these people have more than proven that their love for you is conditional, and you don't need to spend the rest of your life trying to make decisions that they'll "approve" of just so that you can continue this effed up relationship.
I am so sorry that you're hurting, and I second the PPs that have suggested counseling. Aside from that - focus on the really exciting things going on in your life. You just graduated medical school, you just got married, you have a lot of life ahead of you! Go live it.
Wow! I'm not sure anyone here can really help you figure out the right thing to do. My husband's family didnt come to our wedding...we tried. His dad and uncle were to be his groomsmen. And his aunt was going to be his stand-in mom for the Mother-son dance (his mom passed away a few years ago).
They didn't give reasons, just didnt come but it has caused the tension that was already there to grow.
What about his family? Are they in your life? If so, I hate to say this but you need loving, caring people to be there with you through life. Find those people, maybe friends or his family. I understand you want a relationship with your family but it doesn't seem as though it will be a good thing to hurt yourself like that.
I am wondering if your husband ever discussed the engagement with your father. I think my father would have been hurt if my husband didn't "ask for my hand". Maybe that is where some of this is stemming from with your father?
As for your mother, she sounds like someone who may have signs of mental illness, but you would know better than me.
I feel badly for you to not have a relationship with your parents but it seems like it would be unhealthy for you to have them in your lives.
Did your sister come to the wedding? Do you have a realationship with her?
Seriously?
My boyfriend had two conversations with my dad and received his blessing. He went through an entire line of people asking for their blessing including my dad, brother (who was like a dad to me most of my life), sister, and our pastor.
At the time my dad gave his blessing. And gave it again when we told him. After my mom's first 'he's not good enough' speech to me my dad just started acting weird. I could hardly ever get him on the phone and he never called my bf again.
Yes, my sister and brother came to our wedding. My brother gave me away.
Did your dad have to offer a dowry as well?
Ummmmmm, nothing in our culture dictates this.
Here's the thing- cutting them out of your life doesn't have to be permanent. At a MINIMUM, I would be saying "Until you can tell me what is really going on, I can't have you in my life". Then stand by it- until they tell you what's going on. Especially your dad.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think Zest was asking MrsNYCteach about the dowry!
So, the mother who bad-mouthed you, spread lies about you and ignored you for your wedding wants your support and attention during her illness.
And you are set and ready to give it.
Marvelous.
Where does your new husband rank in her illness-attention and support? Does he need to do something, too? Or just you?
For me, the million dollar question is : Who's invited to your graduation???
Are you really going to let these nay-sayers near you?
Yes, I know it sounds crazy. My husband comes first in my life. My family issues have really caused so many issues for me, and consequently us.
I have let my mom know that she needs to get stuff in order to facilitate her care and not just thrust the responsibility on us. She's not terminally ill, but has a progressive disease with a variable course. I guess it's hard for me to give compassionate care to strangers and just say to hell with my mom, even with all she's done to me. My husband and I agree that he has no responsibility to my mom.
I invited my mom to my graduation...... yes, don't say it, I know. I don't think she's going to show up and it actually makes me sad.
Eh, I consider myself to be pretty freaking feminist and my H and I felt no need to "ask for permission," or "ask for my hand." But, we were able to recognize that his feelings would have been a little bit hurt if there weren't to have a been a discussion with him and my then-BF before the engagement.
I think it is one of those conservative things he holds dear and make me want to gag, but because I love and respect him we were both willing to swallow our pride and do it.
I don't really think there's anything too flameworthy about that.
If that were to have been the reason that the OP's dad didn't come to her wedding we could flame the _hell out of him, but I don't think that MrsNYCteach was all crazy cakes to think of something like that.
I think it is pretty obvious you are not giving the whole history of abuse and general misbehavior here by your parents. I think something to keep in mind is that people rarely change and your parents have been showing you your whole life what kind of people they are. What is important for you now is to make your peace with that and determine what if any relationship you should have with your family now.
A couple of points that are confusing to me--what have your siblings said about all of this?
And why do you think no one in your mom's family came? Since your mom is a mess it seems likely that some other people are off as well, but not all. Do you have a good relationship with any of them? Some of them certainly realize your mom is not being truthful.
I definitely think meeting with a therapist again is your best bet. Good luck moving forward.
So your parents insisted on a prenup and you actually looked into doing one, just to placate them? Or for what other reason?
And you expected your father to continue to let you 'occupy' a space in his buidling and continue to pay for your utilities, when you were not living there but were instead staying with your dh, presumably at his place? You don't need two places, do you?
I'm sorry; you sound like your expectations are as unreasonable as your parents, in some ways.
I looked into a prenup because it seemed to be their sticking point. However we never intended to get one just to satisfy my parents.
The building I was in was a 4-unit building that was unoccupied. Yes, he let me stay there for free, but I definitely earned my keep. I found tenants for all the other units through listings and open houses, applications and credit checks, kept up with building maintenance (oil, trash, general housekeeping) as well as fielded all tenant complaints and collected rent and paid property taxes online.
My dad informed me that I had to move within a week of our wedding. We found a room in one of my husbands relatives homes and moved there 5 days before the wedding. I didn't even have time to move out my furniture. Oh, and I was paying for my own utilities. He just turned the breaker off and changed the locks so I couldn't go down and turn it back on.
I don't think my expectations were unreasonable, but if you do, well then....