Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Should I say something to MIL about this? (long)
This will be a post and run as I just have a few minutes b/w putting DS down and starting dinner. I will be back, though.
I love my MIL and we get along very well; however, she's very sensitive, and gets her feelings hurt easily. Now, that doesn't stop us from being honest with her about things, but we might choose our phrasing carefully, knowing that she'll take everything personally. She also has this deep-seated fear of being a bad, meddling, annoying MIL...since hers was awful and she's scared that I would feel the same. I hope she's gotten past that since we've been married for 3.5 years, but I know it's a nagging concern of hers.
That said, she watches DS on Fridays and it's been really great. THe problem is that she is totally compulsive and can't just "be" when DS is napping or happily playing. She needs "projects" as she calls them. And as a result, she makes projects out of my house and my stuff.
It started when DS was born and IL's would come over for a visit. She'd flit around the house, asking "can I fold this? Can I put this away for you? Can I clean this for you? Let me reorganize this for you. Oh, I addressed your thank-you notes and I see that you have a pile of stuff from BRU. Let me organize that for you..." and so forth and so on. She could not just sit and visit. Finally, DH pulled her aside and told her that when she's here, we want her to just relax and enjoy the visit - it makes us uncomfortable when she does this. She then sent him an email about how it's not about us and our "housekeeping" but about her and her compulsion to always be doing something. And when she addressed the thank-you notes? About 50% of them were incorrect so I had to redo them, wasting stamps and stationary.
Now, when she comes to watch DS, she is ALWAYS asking for a project. At first, I came up with random things for her (reorganize tupperware and pyrex, stuff from one shelf to another...) but I'm out of ideas. So she just DOES stuff and cleans the house.
You might think "Oh, sweet!" but really? Not so much. She polishes my coffee table with my floor oil (and things now slide off the table as a result). She put away all the tax papers that we had organized on the table and we had to call her to ask where they went. She washes DS's bottles, but with the vegetable brush and no soap, and then puts them away where I can't find them. She tries to do laundry but ends up putting all the diapers in the dryer, when they don't go there. I have no idea where my casserole dish went, but I know she put it somewhere. The second she walks in the door, she'll head over to the sink and start washing the dishes. It makes me feel twitchy. I feel like I have to clean on THursday night, and like she's judging me and my house. We're not living in filth or in some messy run-down house. It's a small space and we have a baby, so it's cluttered.
I'm f*cking tired of coming up with projects, and I'm really tired of coming home and having everything moved, put away where she thinks it goes, and having to field the "what projects can I do today? You know I'm compulsive and need stuff to do..." question every Friday. It's my house. Leave it alone. Honestly, if I want to come home, kick off my shoes and leave them laying in the front foyer, I should be able to do that. Instead, I come home to perfectly lined up shoes on my stairs and she tells me "I put your shoes there so you can take them up."
So...what do I do? Do I say something? ANd if so, how can I phrase it so it won't hurt our relationship? Or do I just keep coming up with bullshit projects and deal with her compulsion? Also, taking DS to their house isn't an option b/c they live 45 min away.
Thank you for making it this far.
Re: Should I say something to MIL about this? (long)
Give her a bag of M&Ms and ask her to alphabetize them?
Ok, no, really - either your H needs to gently sit her down and have the same conversation with her again or you need to get her a ball of yarn and knitting needles and have her make blankets for charity.
Seriously. Last time she was here, her parting words were "next time, I can help you reorganize your closet if you want!" Um, no. Thanks.
I feel like I should say something, rather than DH, since he's not home during any of this, doesn't see it and doesn't interact with her on it. I told him how I feel and he sympathizes b/c he knows how she is.
What if you got her a stack of magazines or library books. Would that distract her for 8+ hours?
There's nothing wrong with you talking to her, if you think that is the best way to go. I only mentioned your H since you said she doesn't want to be thought of as the meddling IL.
How long has she been baby sitting? Is this something that might go away after time?
Your husband has already addressed this gently. I think you guys have to say something again or the resentment is going to build up, and it sounds like you have a good relationship overall.
Can you talk to her in a light and humorous manner? Maybe the next time she comes over you could give her some scrapbooking supplies or crossword puzzles as a gift and tell her: We know you need projects, but we really aren't comfortable with you cleaning and tidying our house. It's making us a little nutty. Please, please find something else to keep you busy. If you keep your tone of voice light and playful and loving, that should minimize any offense she takes. Although she is likely to feel a little offended, but that's okay as long as she gets the message.
Then if you see her starting to clean or tidy, run towards her with a dramatic "NOOOO!" in a joking way, but if you do this enough times she will get the hint.
She sounds a lot like my MIL and I have used a lot of humor in dealing with conflicts with her.
She's been watching him for about a month now. I actually gave my 2 wks notice and left my job, but will most likely be starting a new one in a few weeks. So I'll use my Fridays when she's here as my errand day.
I just opened my coat closet and found out that she organized my it. Lined up the brooms, vacuum, and mop along the back wall, rehung all the coats in length order and refolded the stuff on the top shelf.
::headwall::
OMG! Have you considered having more kids so she will have her hands full?
Also, I think this problem is actually pretty common. When my friend was pregnant with her first child, she returned home from work and found that her MIL had finished decorating the nursery and rearranged all of the little baby clothes that she had lovingly arranged herself the night before.
Sorry, but I think it's time to get honest with her. Her "projects" are making more work for you. And she needs to know that she's not being helpful, it's actually making more work for you. Especially when you have to take the time and effort to "find" something for her to do, only to find out she's not doing it the way it needs or should be done.
And I think your husband needs to be there for this conversation. Even if you lead most of it, he needs to show the two of you are in agreement on this.
And I would seriously question if she should be your child's primary or sole caretaker a day each week. Maybe she should be limited to shorter, supervised visits? I question her emotional / mental stamina because I don't know of any adults who insist on having projects given to them as something to do because they absolutely have to have something to do all the time. Most of us have the ability to find something to do without disrupting someone else's routine or home.
And I would think taking care of a baby would keep her busy enough, without working on a linen closet.
Honestly, some people are not good at sitting still and "just relaxing." It is very hard for them to sit and watch tv or read a magazine. Knowing both people like your MIL and lazy people who plop kids in front of the tv while they "babysit," I prefer your MIL!
I think you need to work with the MIL you have. She's not going to change. And your "requests" will make her just as uncomfortable sitting doing nothing in your house as you are with her taking on your home as a project.
Have you thought of dropping DS of at her house, where she has plenty of projects?
Why not do the laundry over the week, and save it for Friday for her to fold?
Or buy some scrapbooking materials and have her put together some albums for you.
I also think the need for projects won't last for too long. As soon as your child is older, you can have her work with the kids with arts and crafts, play-doh, trips to the park, etc.
Substitute your MIL with my Mother.
She just cannot sit still. I would hazard a guess that there is some OCD in there somewhere. And no matter how many times I or any of the family talks to her about it, it does not change.
Because THIS IS HER PERSONALITY. So instead, we work within the parameters we have.
First, we do not let her in our homes for long periods of time. So do what Wahoo said - bring your son to her house.
Second, we give her long term projects. She put together Monkey's baby book, which took her entire 2 week visit. So why not try the scrapbooking idea. If you provide the materials (ie, in themes you like), you can get a couple to three books out of her.
Finally, give her a list of areas she is NOT allowed to touch. It may hurt her feelings, but tell her that paperwork, laundry and (insert here) are off limits. THEN provide her with the cleaning supplies you want her to use and put the rest in the garage.
To be honest, I would kill for someone to dust for me once a week. So go out and buy the swiffer dustying supplies and play it off as a request to use them.
This would drive me crazy too. I definitely think giving her projects to do would help out like PP's suggested. You could ask her to make you guys some scrapbooks, quilts, clothes, needlepoint, simple crafts like that. Also, you could create a list of things you want done on Fridays, like dust, sweep, fold laundry, etc. If she has a list, then maybe she won't take it upon herself to do things.
I also think dropping your child off at her house would be a good idea or even arranging some sort of outing for the two of them on Fridays. I don't know how young your LO is, but it may be fun to send them out to the zoo or the playground and a picnic to get her out of the house.
My in-laws are the same way. I am not the best housekeeper but I was pretty damnn proud of how my house was looking right before they came to visit for the first time a couple weeks ago. They got here and immedietly honed in on the area I had not paid enough attention to, well areas. Its hard to not take it personally but they have good intentions.
That being said, mine always brings copious amounts of embroidery projects with her. Could you get yours to try out some needlepoint? Its a fantastic time waster and you get some cool stuff out of it. The scrapbooking is also a fantastic idea.
Um. I have OCD and nobody bends over backwards to give me stuff to do with my hands and you know why? I don't ask them to! That is BS! If I go over to somebody's house and I get nervous and fidgety, I have ways of dealing with it on my own without having to trouble somebody else. I also feel like I constantly need to be doing something with my hands too, but not to the point where I am rude. If her compulsions are this bad, she needs therapy. Or a self help book at least. She needs to control herself. If she doesn't want to go to therapy for her issues then that is her thing, but somebody (you or your husband) needs to let her know that her behavior is entirely unacceptable and ya'll will enable her no more.
I would just tell her. Her feelings might be hurt for a little while because it sucks for anyone to find out that they were in the wrong, but she will get over it. Put it as nicely as you want but you have to stand your ground. Or at the very least, tell her that if she's gonna clean she needs to do it your way with the right cleaning products and she needs to put things back where they go instead of where she thinks they ought to go. Its YOUR house and YOU decide where things go. If YOU decide that casserole dishes go on the second shelf then dangit, that's where they go in YOUR house.
My mom has two friends that do the exact same thing, and when I lived with her it would piss me off because I could never find anything once they left. Now that I don't live with her and these people come over to clean my mom's house I can't say anything but I want to so bad sometimes. My mom has issues standing up to people, but I can't do that for her because its not my home. I know that one of them is just trying to help but the other one is really nutty about it. She came to visit me once and the first thing she did was clean out my fridge and do my dishes. Then she started folding my laundry and even tried to organize my closet. She was folding my husband's boxers!!! I just told her, "Look. I'm an adult and this is my house. I have everything the way I want it and I know you're just trying to help, but let's just visit with each other." I said it with a laugh and she was fine, she didn't act offended and life went on. She is a real nutcase though. I'm 24 and she still calls me "the baby" and she tried to pack a suitcase for me when we went on a trip together so... yeah. It comes from a place of love but it is very annoying.
You and your husband should not have to go out of your way just because she has a mental issue. She needs to be responsible and seek help for herself instead of forcing you to enable her.
If she is THAT desperate for a project, tell her to bring over some kind of crafty project to do or something. That way she is responsible for bringing her own entertainment and not you. She could make a scrapbook about your baby or something. She could bring a movie to watch, or a book to read, or she could bring a puzzle book and do crosswords or sudoku or something.
I think you should say something first as well, since ya'll do seem to have a good relationship other than this snag. But if she doesn't stop then I would involve him to help back you up.
Does she have any hobbies that she would enjoy? My MIL brings over her crochet bag and makes blankets and winter hats for everybody. That's a great project if she can crochet. Buy all the yarn and ask for a blanket for the baby.
Leave out a stack of coupon flyers and ask her to clip and organize the coupons for you.
If she knows cross stitch ask her if she can do a pattern that will match the nursery.
She also has this deep-seated fear of being a bad, meddling, annoying MIL...since hers was awful and she's scared that I would feel the same.
Gently tell her that she is becoming the MIL she doesnt want to be!
I'd love it if someone did a scrapbook of my DD's photos. Its a project that she can make with the intension of giving to your DS someday. It can be a lot of little photo books, a theme or a great big one. She can start with a little kit and you can find a spot to store it away between visits. Its a wondeful way to keep some family history.
A lot of this is going to change when DS gets bigger and is more hands-on when being supervised. She's not going to have as much down-time very soon.
Can you recommend that she bring her own "project" to work on? I understand this behavior as I struggle with it myself and I think telling her to sit and relax is not going to work. She is programmed to be on the go it seems and I think you need to accept that part of her personality rather than try and change it. At this stage in her life, it's probably going to be very hard for her to just hang out and relax if she never does that.
However, it's not on you to find things to keep her busy. I'd say - "MIL, we notice you like to do things while you're here. We've got everything covered so you might want to bring something that you'd like to get done like a photo album, knitting, crossword puzzles, a book, etc."
Can you take the baby to her house?
Sure, I agree that you have to work w/ who she is. Telling her to just 'relax' isn't going to cut it.
BUT - as she knows how she is, I absolutely dont' understand why she isn't bringing her own projects with her! She doesn't want to be an annoying MIL,but yet she keeps insisting on doing stuff in YOUR home that you've told her not to do....???
I think asking her to do a scrapbook is a great idea, but I'd still be telling her "think of some stuff you can bring with you".
Or, as said, just take your baby to her house.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
There absolutely has to be a way to work this to your advantage.
Set out the mop & vaccuum and you come home to clean floors.
Leave the laundry to be folded.
Provide the groceries and a menu and you get dinners made for the week.
Send her to my house. I'll keep her busy.
Px
I agree that she should be more proactive in providing her own projects, but it really sounds like she wants to do something for you instead of just finding something to entertain herself.
With that being said, I think the scrapbooking and crocheting ideas are wonderful. That's stuff that would end up having sentimental value from grandma and would keep her plenty busy. I'd just gently try to stress that you don't want her doing home projects or cleaning around the house because it ends up causing more work than it saves.
ITA.
really tough...first I agree with a few PP, she should be finding her own projects, not yours, and second, definitely have another child immediately so she'll have more to do (tongue in cheek but a good point none the less)
Scrapbooking is the first thing that comes to my mind...and knitting.
I would approach it, there is more than one way to do any task, and I prefer my way, not that you're wrong or not helpful, but it's been frustrating and we need to redirect your energy. If there is a way for you to be helpful, let us come up with it
Tell her that she should bring a project from home for herself to do since she's already been sooooo helpful and done everything you can think of?????
You know what this sounds like to me? Emotional blackmail from a control freak. She's so scared of being hurt and offensive, and she lets you know it so you walk on eggshells around her, and while you're doing that, she's taking complete control over the things she wants to do, even if you don't want her to. I'd even say, particularly if you don't want her to. Yes, it's sweet that she wants to be a MIL that you'll love and get along with, but the problem is that she's ultimately going to kill that relationship with her behavior 'cause you're not going to want her around much longer, if I read correctly.
If it were me, I'd be honest but kind. I'd thank her for her help but let her know that it's not wanted anymore and that if she wants to come over and spend time with you guys or DS, it'll be on the condition that she doesn't take on any new projects. If it's important to her to maintain good relations with you, well, she'll listen and do as you ask. If it's not, she'll keep doing what she is knowing that the relationship that's so important to her is dying at her own hand.
This or get her a sewing machine for Mother's day and tell her how special it would be if she could make a quilt for DS. Or clothes, think how much you'll save on clothes, especially if DS is too young to have really developed a taste in clothing.