Sex & Romance
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Re: Virgin Bride
Well. . . you have a crap load of advice and I could not read it all. Hope you did. Here is my story. . .
I lost my virginity when I was 18 years old. It was peer pressure you could say and I became engaged with this man. Sex was painful for me from loosing it until I was 20 years old. We broke up when I was almost 20 years old and I gave up sex for a while because I knew it had to be better than this. I hated sex! It was painful and terrible! It did not become fully enjoyable until I was 25 years old. In fact, one of my first times having the big O during sex was with my now husband. The missing element was LOVE! I love my husband dearly and now at 31 years old I am making up for lost times.
The thing I would have changed about the whole experience is love. I did not love my first. . .I was in love with the possibility of love with him. He was not a virgin and I was. He had more experience and I had none. I now reflect back on that time, I realize that he was selfish and was not willing to please me so I suffered in silence. You will not have to deal with that. You most likely are marrying someone with whom you love and will cherish your body. Take your time, learn your body and find out what turns you on. When you begin, make sure you are SUPER turned on, you have some lube, and you are relaxed. Yes, it will hurt but not as much as it hurt me. ( I was in pain for weeks! And he was not that big) Good luck and congrats on your nuptials!
Being a virgin doesn't make you weird or pathetic. I started this post to hear from those who wanted to give me advice about my first time.
I've noticed a lot of women who use this site seem to like to put other women down. Whats up with that? Shouldnt this be place where a woman can come for advice without someone she doesnt even know giving her crap about it?? It seems odd to me that you made this statement, I think being their age and being virgins is something to be very proud of. Sex shouldnt be something you just do, its about finding the person you love and having an experiance together, it just took them longer than some peopleto find someone worth sharing that experiance with.
Thanks to all of you who have given advice to me, I'd love to hear more from any of you who feel you having something else to share!
No, being a virgin isn't something to be very proud of. It isn't anything to be ashamed of either, but it doesn't get you a special prize or a better relationship.
It seems like the longer people wait to have sex, the more nervous, scared, uncomfortable and uptight they get about it.
DaringMiss said everything that I would say in her first post - take it slow, expect it to be awkward, don't expect fireworks and crazy orgasms for awhile. The first time that we actually had sex (our second attempt at it), I remember clearly thinking "huh, that was it? THAT is what people make such a big deal about?". And yes, it was even with someone that I loved and eventually married.
I think you just enjoy being a *** don't you? Just because waiting didn't work for you doesn't mean you should harp on people who do choose to. I do agree with you on the last point, I think the longer you wait, the more nervous you get about it, but that certainly doesn't make anyone 'weird' or that she should give into her husband's every whim of wanting sex even if she doesn't feel ready for it. It's not like she's talking about waiting several more years, or even months or weeks, but to judge someone's readiness for marriage because they might be nervous to have sex on their wedding night is really low.
Well, I'm proud I am a virgin until marriage. It means different things to different people but for me that was important and thats why I'm proud. No it doesnt make me better or worthy of a prize but I think different people have different standards for themselves at cerain points in their life and if you can accomplish something that is meaningfun to you THAT is something to be proud of. Maybe ppl do get more nervous or anxious about it the longer they wait but what is wrong with that? Its a learning experiance for both parties. As long as they learn from that point on their is NOTHING to be ashamed of for being nervous and uptight your first time. Everyones experiance is going to be different.
Either way, thanks for all the advice so far.
Key word here is " PROUD ".
When somebody on here starts bragging what goody two shoes they are about how wonderful they are/were because of virginity. Such an attitude will rub people the wrong wrong.
Just say it as a fact instead of trumpeting your great worth and superiority.Is that asking too much?
I posted this same post before my wedding (my husband and I were both virgins) and I was attacked as well. It seems that the non-premarital-virgins are usually the "uptight" ones, not the pre-marital virgins. I was the only girl I know to wait until marriage, but I never put my friends down because of their sexual choices. Non-virgins seem to interperet it that way, but I have no idea why. So don't pay attention to her.
In any case, it hurt A LOT the first few times with my husband. He was good at getting me naturally lubricated beforehand via oral sex and stimulation, but it still hurt nonetheless. But, taking a deep breath and clearing your mind, and accepting the pain as a natural sexual feeling will help. It shouldn't be too long the first time, so you just kind of have to stick it out. After three or four times, it got much more pleasurable
.
That said, I would NEVER withold from my husband on my wedding night - if you decided to wait for that special night, the occasion must mean something to you, and it seems silly to not want to make love with your new husband because you are "worried about whether your hair looked good" or not. Don't withold . . . the beauty of marriage is in doing things you are sometimes fearful or nervous about.
People have been having sex for eons. You'll be okay
Just grin and bear it the first time, and afterward you will probable be shaky and giddy (probably a hormone rush or something!) It'll be fine! It's all about your committment to eachother, so seal it with love and unselfishness!
Um, no. I'm not being b!tchy. I'm giving my opinion on a message board just like everyone else here.
Is having sex on your wedding really "giving into your husband's every whim"? If you really think that it isn't totally selfish to deny your husband on your wedding night, then just woah. Being nervous is fine but I think saying "no" is just cruel.
LOL at waiting "not working for me". I chose not to wait because I feel it is somewhat irresponsible to not know your partner sexually before agreeing to spend your life with them.
Agree to disagree I guess.
"Proud" it how I feel, I'm proud of MYSELF and I'm assuming other who choose to wait feel the same. You have the right to be proud of your decision to do it before hand, which obviously you are or you wouldnt be trying to put me down for my decision and my feelings. It has nothing to do with my thinking I'm better or thinking I'm of greater worth. I dont understand why you feel the need to attack virgins when the posts heading clearly states what the dicussion is going to be about. I just want advice, not your opinion or statements on women who choose to wait.
Saying 'no' is not cruel. If he is not 'with you' enough to understand that you are exhausted, then he doesn't need to be with you. DH and I didn't have maritals on our wedding night. I'm pretty sure we looked at each other and just said "Hell no". We were flippin' tired, and he knew I was sick (head cold).
That being said - and I don't know anything about your relationship - but my husband can read me well enough to realize that when I say no, it's not out of cruelty, but that I have a reason.
So I'm a terrible wife because I didn't have sex with my husband on our wedding night? So I should have just submitted to him and let him do his thing, even though I was too wiped out to do more than lay there and definitely not enjoy my first time having sex?
I'm sorry, but my husband isn't some sort of carnal savage who only cares about getting off, regardless of how his bride felt. He LOVES ME, cares about me, and could tell that I wasn't in a state where I could really enjoy it. We waited a whopping 12 more hours until we were settled in the honeymoon cottage at a B&B winery, and it was the perfect setting for it to happen.
It really does make me sad how there are women on here who feel the need to constantly put down other women for not being "good enough" in whatever they're doing. Makes me not want to come back here...
No, I'm sure you aren't a terrible wife. Maybe my H and I just view sex differently. I think it's really selfish to say no on your wedding night. If you don't think so, that's cool. The post I commented on had a really selfish tone. Her H reeeeaaally wanted to, but it was so much better for HER to wait another day. If I were her H, I would be so hurt. Not a good way to start a marriage.
You all read what I wrote and took it as "please allow your Hs to treat you like blow-up dolls and satisfy his every whim". Not what I said at all.
What are you trying to infer by capitalizing that your husband LOVES YOU! Um, cool? I'm happy for you. Mine loves me too.
You're right, relaxing will probably be the hardest part. That's where taking your time comes in handy. When DH and I got back to the room, we had a couple mishaps (not sex related), and this definitely broke the tension. We then laid on the bed (still in our wedding clothes) and talked about what our favorite parts of the day were.
We then changed into our sexy clothes. Our families had had the hotel put chocolate in our hotel room, so we snacked on that and a cheese and cracker basket his brother had put in the room, and spent some time in the hot tub in our room. Once we were in the hot tub, it went from there.
My husband and I were both virgins when we got married in November, and it was the best decision that we ever made!
Honestly, don't feel pressure to have sex the first night. We didn't! Our wedding day was exhausting, and we decided to just take it slow and do things OUR way, which ended up meaning "no sex the first night". And it was perfect! Don't feel pressure to live up to "expectations" that society has placed on newlyweds! Make this experience your own.
We read "Intended for Pleasure" and "Sheet Music"--both VERY good books!
Enjoy your time together--what a gift you are giving to each other! :0)
There is a difference between stating your opinion and judging someone because theirs is different than yours. It's the judging part that makes you sound bitchy.
And no, I don't think it's cruel to say no on your wedding night, whether you are a virgin or not. There's no rule that says you must have sex on your wedding night and if you don't it makes you a cruel, selfish person....even if your husband really wants to. There are times when my FI wants to have sex and I'm too tired, and there are times when I want to have sex and he's too tired. Does that mean either of us are selfish because we don't have sex every single time it's initiated?
I understand your wedding night is a little different, but it's also a lot more stressful/exhausting days than most too, so if we're too tired, I'd much rather wait and have mind blowing sex the next day than to have awful, tired, awkward sex that night just because it's our 'wedding night' and we 'have to'. And honestly, saying "OMG, you are sooo selfish to deny your husband sex on your wedding night" is very reminiscent of DD relationships...
DD relationships? Dungeons and Dragons? Please to explain.
Congrats on the upcoming wedding! Also congrats on waiting, I understand the strength that takes. Way to stay true to your convictions, both you and your fiance! I posted a very similar question on here not too long ago, but thankfully it didn't turn into the judgmental mess that yours did...sorry you got the rotten junk instead of legit responses.
As far as a response to your original post - from the info I've gathered, be prepared for awkwardness, be completely open about your expectations and discuss this beforehand with your fiance. Also lube is important and foreplay is apparently the best part at least for a while, so make that last as long as possible.
Other than that have fun and enjoy each other! Again congrats and you deserve to feel proud of your accomplishments despite what others might say - it's not easy in the world we live in today to stay a virgin and wait until your wedding day.
For most folk here the crux of the issue is the bragging about being a virgin, instead th fact of being a virgin.
Just for the record I believe it's better for virginity to be maintained until marrage.And the couple to remain monogamous for life.
Sexually transmitted disease, illigit children, divorce, impoverished single mothers and general heartbreak. All those would become a rarity rather than commonplace.
Getting back to "pride". Turning to the scriptures you will find pride listed several times being hated by God as a sin. And preceding the downfall of the proud person.
Do you think "pride" is less of a sin than "sexual" sin? Gossip, gluttony, sloth are all stated as well on the same list.
This board's members are an all around good, helpful and reasonably morally upright group.
It's just that some posters come across as having their perfect snotty little virgin noses held high above everybody else. And expecting to be praised and worshiped for their virginity.
If that wasn't your intent then nobody here is "trying to make problems for me".
Bragging about anything be it bust size, hair colour, facial features, height, weight, body tone, age, job, family, status, etc. Are just as frowned up if bragged about.
As long as somebody comes across as "could you assist me with this situation please" ? Then the good folk here will fall all over themselves to eagerly help make your experiences wonderful.
Kaileems didn't start out as bragging. She started out with asking about other's experiences with their first time, and kind of got attacked.
There are lots of reasons people choose to wait. All of them are valid personal reasons, and if someone feels accomplished for it then thats their right. As long as they aren't being obnoxious about it, or putting down others then what does it matter?
Anyways, back to the OP.
When I lost mine it hurt! It sucked. I bled, but it was light. (I wouldn't have even classified it as a light period.) This is another good reason to have towels handy.
Towels are sooo important. Keep in mind that body fluids will be present, and it can be alarming if you don't expect them. Things can get messy. (The first time I was with my FI he came in my eye by accident! No joke! It was in my eyelashes!) Semen tastes....well, I think its gross. Some women like it. To each their own, I guess. It can get onto fabrics, and stain them. Be sure to have towels to clean this up! Also fyi-men produce fluid before ejactulation.
If you are not planning on becoming pregnant right away educate yourself on contraceptives! Birth control via pill is usually not effective for the first couple of weeks. Some people feel that condoms are a hamper on intimacy. I think they are like reynold's wrap for the vagina! If you feel uncomfortable with the fluids involved with sex, and don't plan on becoming pregnant condoms are the way to go.
Before he attempts entering you he should definitely use his (clean!) fingers first. The good part about this is that it will likely feel nice for you and will stretch your opening out to make entry less painful. It will also make you for comfortable with the sensation of having something inserted in you and moving. He may need to actually use lube on his fingers if your natural lube is not enough.
It might be helpful to note that the "tearing" of the hymen is not actually painful. According to the medical books I've read on this the hymen is such a thin delicate membrane with no nerves that it's not actually the part that hurts when you have sex. It's the stretching of your vagina that is what causes pain which can be allevited by taking it slow, using lube, and making sure you are relaxing your pelvic muscles.
Finally, one thing that personally took me by surprise is that you really have to get your hips up to have him properly enter you. You can't simply lay flat on you back like I always assumed was the missionary position. I solve this problem by always wrapping my legs around his waist so that the angle is correct.
Congrats on your wedding, so close now!!!
You have gotten an overloard of advice I'd say, and allowed people to vent their oppions quite a lot! My advice is similar to others mostly, although one point I'd like to make!
It is normal for it to be uncomfortable the first time, obviously tearing the mucas membrane isn't exactly a walk in the park, but if after that it is still uncomfortable here is my advice! Try being on top, I know that might be a little wild for the first few weeks of marriage for some, but honestly being able to control the penetration makes a HUGE difference, especially if you're like me and your guy is well endowed. Plus this way you can figure out which way feels best for you, ie fast, slow, up and down or rotating etc. Will help you get to the big O sooner!
Lube is super important! Use it, relax, and feel sexy! Get some lingerie that you feel good in, and it will help get you into the frame of mind so much! I swear lingerie is for the woman more than the man : )
Have fun! XOXO
Just keep your's and DH's expectations modest. Two amateurs brand new to the art of sexually pleasing each other will have some oop's and surprises along the way.
Don't let either of your selves be disappointed thinking that the honeymoon should be filled all day and all night with porn star type multiple orgasms and pleasurable moans.
Caution, DH may become turned off and disappointed after waiting for a "big deal" and a "big deal" doesn't happen. New virgin husbands have been known to become "let down" and go back to masturbating and ignore the new bride.
New virgin husbands and wives sometimes also have trouble "going ahead" after so many years of training themselves to "hold back".
LUUUUUUBBBBEE!!! thatz my best advice to you it will definetly help. My first time was pretty painful which made me tense but with lube it helped me a lot because then i probably would still be a virgin. The more tense you are the harder it will be so try to relax and clear your mind.
Have you and your fiance atleast experimented a bit with touching each other? This may help for your wedding night. Also play around with your self a little and try to have an orgasm, know your good spots or spots that might be more painful.
Congratz on getting married!!! Don't get too worked up about trying to make the night perfect like a movie scene. Make sure you and your Future hubby make the best of your night.
Expected the unexpected. Both me and my husband were both virgins when we got married in December. Because of the pain and the idea of sex was to stressful for me, intercourse was pursued but the idea was abandoned quickly. About 72 days after we got married, we finally had sexual relations. The key idea is to relaxed and have fun with it. If must, used foreplay longer to relax you.
Another thing that well help is understanding your body before having sex. It will help you and your husband know where it pleases you or hurts. Find a good sex book.