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How to make a marriage work happily after an affair?
My husband and I have been married for 6 years. I found out about 18 months ago about the affair. We've both learned from it, and are trying to build our marriage back. I know 80% of the details, but he will not admit to sleeping with her. I can't seem to get past that and move on.
We seem to be getting much better, but as soon as we do, I put up my guard and start digging for old dirt. I know the affair has been over for a year- and we are trying to make this marriage work- but I don't know how to get past this rock.
Thank you for your advice. I really want our marriage to work, but I just cant seem to stop bringing up the past. If I know in my heart they slept together, why is it such a big deal if he actually admits it? I feel like we could close this chapter, but I think he will go to his grave before admitting that he slept with that woman.
Can a marriage be just as happy, and just as much in love after an affair? Will we ever feel the same?
Re: How to make a marriage work happily after an affair?
To me, if someone can't admit to a mistake, then they aren't really apologizing and attempting to make it right.
I couldn't stay in a relationship where there had been an affair, but if you do decide to stay, your best bet is to go to counseling together.
I was typing as you updated.
What is he admitting to - just an emotional affair, or a physical but no sex affair?
>>He said he never went back with her, but I can't be that stupid.
This bothers me the most - that he expects you to accept his explanation and a continued lie.
Also, can I ask why you are choosing to stay? Is it because your happiness with him outweighs this, is it because you think you "should", etc?
How would he feel if you had an affair with a co-worker? Did you discuss this type of thing in therapy?
Yes- He has admitted to the emotional/physical affair but swears up and down he didn't sleep with her.
We stopped therapy after about a month, and of course, I have found out so many more details after therapy. I went through a time of severe depression, but somehow, worked my way through it.
Good question. We have two beautiful kids, and our house, etc and that was the reason I originally stayed. However, over the months, we have become closer, and I am beginning to see him as the man I married. He's an amazing friend, father, and person- but just went through a very rough time in our marriage. (No excuse) We were both distant in the marriage during that time, and I had a 3-month-old to give me the emotional needs, and unfortunately, he found someone else. The affair happend and I was completely shocked and blind-sided.
He is a good man, who made a huge mistake. I truly feel in my heart that it has been over for a very long time, and he seems very remorseful. I just think he thinks it would be a marriage- breaker if he admitted to sleeping with her. I told him thats what I need- is the truth from him- so we can truly close this chapter and move on. I just think he may be so dissappointed and ashamed in himself it's hard for him to admit it.....
I think struggling with depression would be a very common reaction to this situation. Hopefully, you got some medical help for that, as well.
Since you have found out new information and he is continuing to not be completely truthful about this, maybe you should consider going back for more marital counseling. A big portion of being an emotionally mature adult is fully admitting your mistakes, not just telling a portion of the truth.
Not to offend you, but are you financially dependent on him?
I'm not sure all relationships can survive this sort of breech of trust.
But in order to survive a breech of trust, trust has to be rebuilt/earned.
But he's STILL LYING, so of course there's not rust. If he continues to lie to you about the affair and it happening, it will be impossible for you to trust him again.
I think counseling may be something we need to reconsider---
No, I am not financially dependent on him in any means. I'm a GM for a hotel, and I could definitely make it on my own and still provide a great life for our two kids. (4 & 2)
We are trying to rebuild the trust, but I agree with you ladies, that if he can't admit that, then what type of trust do we have at all? He says that he'd say those words just so I would hear them from his mouth, but said that he absolutely didn't. I just don't believe it.
Ok, so what steps HAS he taken to help you move forward from this, other than the first round of counseling?
How did you find out, BTW? Did he come talk to you about this or did you find out by accident?
(Sorry that I am more question than answer at this point. Just flushing out a discussion.)
Hi - I can totally speak from experience here. I stumbled upon my husbands "emotional cheating" just about a year ago when I went to check my email and accidentally signed into DH's account (he was already logged in and when I clicked on the mail icon thinking it'd take me to the sign in page, it just went right to his inbox). I saw quite a few emails to people I didn't recognize and curiousity got the better of me and I opened them. There were a number of explicit messages with apparent strangers including explicit photos. I confronted DH with it and at first he tried to minimize the impact but I hounded him until he came clean. He had two choices, he could come clean and find a therapist or he could leave. There was no middle ground. My circumstance was slightly different because there was no physical cheating, just online only. That is by no means less significant in the betrayal of trust category, but it seems less severe than all out physical cheating for some reason to me.
DH spent a good 6 months in weekly therapy with a counselor who specialized in sexual dysfunction and addiction and I attended sessions with him on a monthly basis (I was invited to attend whenever I wanted but I felt like it would be less productive for DH if I attended EVERY session). It isn't easy to move past it but it can be done if you want to. For my situation, I felt like I needed to give my husband his one shot to get himself better because I truly believe that addiction is a disease and the only way to overcome it is to seek treatment. That being said, he knows that there are NO more chances for him. He by no means got a "get out of jail" free card because it will take years to completely repair the damage done to the trust I had in him. I'm not a huge "you need therapy" person and I prefer to handle things on my own in my own way and time but I don't know that we would have survived together if I hadn't asked DH to attend counseling if he wanted to stay married to me. It was immesurably helpful to have an unbiased 3rd party there to listen to what both of us had to say and to help cut through the crap.
Honestly, the hardest part for me has been not pulling the trump card on him when we fight about things. I am very intentional about not pulling that into every disagreement we have even though I have a big right to be peeved. I might still think it in my head, but I don't bring it out as an argument point. That isn't really fair to him.
To be happy and healthy in your marriage, you do have to hit a point where you decide to move past the big elephant in the room. It doesn't mean you ignore it or it doesn't rear its ugly head every now and again, but you can't dwell on it. If you dwell on it, then it is a deal breaker for you and you have to evaluate if you really WANT to move past it.
DH has been done with regular therapy for 5 months now. He can go back if he feels it is needed and I'm grateful to his therapist for leaving that door open for BOTH of us if it is needed. Truthfully, we're maybe 90% back to where we were. I still freak out when he travels for work. I still log into his email and facebook to check on him randomly (he knows I do this). It has impacted our sex life because of my insecurities. That will take some time to work through but I don't feel like my marriage is doomed to fail because of my husband's infidelity and I think that overall, we're getting back to the business of being happy.
I will be totally and completely honest with you...you cant.
While it is my opinion, people who cheat have a negative character flaw that is more than likely going to reappear. Because if they are (insert one/all of the following flaws) the first time, then what is to stop them the next time.
1) Lazy - they are too lazy to do the work on the problems within the relationship/marriage before finding someone else.
If he could not address the chasim during the "rough" times after a baby (and this is a GOOD rough patch IMO) then what will he do in a real difficult situation?
2) ChickenSchyt - they are too worried about the fall out of leaving the relationship/marriage, be it the financial aspect, having to deal with the families and friends or the emotions of the wife/husband they want to leave. So they stay.
3) Self-Centered - They cannot see outside fo their own little world. They have no concept that their actions not only affect them or even their SO/spouses, but their children, the families and friends...even those of the person they are cheating with.
For the OP, did your DH not once consider the 3 month old baby he was screwing up while he was screwing around on his wife?
4) Selfish - they want it all. They want the SO/spouse relationship (maybe not the person, but what it represents) and they want their side-piece too.
If the cheater's personality allows him/her to so easily abuse and victimize ANOTHER HUMAN BEING, let alone the person he/she SWORE to honor for the rest of their lives in the FIRST place, it is always within them to do it again.
And deep down, there will always be that fear that he will do it again. And that lack of 100% trust will never allow you to have a full marriage. Especially when, in the OPs case, the cheater cannot even come clean.
I do not know if he slept with her or not, but come on...hotel reservations and no sex?
It has been 18 months for you, and I,m sorry but as great as you are trying to make it sound, it isnt. If after a year and a half he is still lying WHAT relationship do you have?
I can not grasp WHY you atopped therapy after 1 month, but I bet he felt everything was ok by then and you didnt need it anymore. Or maybe it was getting too hot in there fro him.
I could not ever get ove it, and honestly can never understand why women would want to. Even though you are really trying it isnt working for you. You deserve a relationship with 100% trust. You dont have one and you wont be getting one with this man.
For me, I couldnt. If my husband had an affair ou marriage would be over. There is no way I could forgive him and he knows this. It is a definate deal breaker.
Not to be snarky, but this sounds awful. I would never want to be married to someone whom I felt the need to snoop on.
A) 1 month of therapy? That is what, 4 sessions total? You need more. MUCH more. My Ex-FI cheated on me, I eventually left and spent over a year in individual therapy to rebuild the damage to my self-esteem and ability to trust.
C) For me personally, I could not move on. I Could never happily live a life where I am constantly worried where my husband was, who he was with, who he was texting/e-mailing/facebooking. That would drive me crazy and make me bitter and resentful.
I hate to be the devil's advocate, but what if he is telling the truth (not that I am trying to tell you one way or another what to do or that he didn't sleep with her). But really, what if he is telling the truth? That for some reason at the last minute he couldn't go through with it. People are really odd sometimes about what their lines in the sand are, so maybe he realized that was his line in the sand? Or like you said he is afraid that if he admits to having sex with this woman you will be out the door. No one can honestly answer this for you except him, and you might not be believing the honest answer.
You could go to him and say I know this woman is promiscuous and I am concerned for my own health. For that reason I need you to tell me the truth (also I would still recommend a trip to your ob/gyn to get tested anyway).
In the end though the decision is going to be on you. You can either believe him or not. But if you are never able to believe him on this issue you are never going to get over this or work through it.
Though here is where I'm sure I'm going to get flamed. I don't believe that once a cheater always a cheater. Some people are going to be cheaters and some people just make really a really big mistake once. No one is perfect and people make mistakes, but this is a very big mistake to make. You have to decide whether or not this is something you can move past. I have a few anecdotal examples of relationships that have survived infidelity and gone on to get significantly better as they worked through their issues, but clearly there are many more who dont. And to be fair, this did not come out of the blue- you said yourself that you two were having a really bad rough patch and you were getting your emotional needs filled elsewhere. I'm not by any means blaming you or saying what he did is in any way ok because its not, however clearly there have been a lot of other problems in the relationship so this did not come out of no where. And to the person who said if he cheated during one rough patch how do you know he wont cheat again when things get difficult- you don't know, but if you really work on your marriage and fix the problems that had been going on when this all started hopefully he won't make the same mistake again.
Good luck and lots of good thoughts to you and your LOs.
I would STRONGLY advise you to log onto survivinginfidelity dot com. There are many forums, including forums with people who are trying to stay together and have successfully rebuilt their relationships. Many have/had the same trust issues (and intimacy issues) that you have.
You will learn a lot of things on that site, including that your H MUST be honest with you. I'm sorry to say, having lurked on that board....nobody believes that something was "just" an emotional affair. And when (ok, if...) you DO find out the affair was physical, you'll be back to square one, the pain will be new all over again, like a scab that was ripped off.
If your H can't be honest with you about the affair, then I would not stay with him. You can't rebuild a relationship with someone who is not honest.
1. "Good" men don't cheat.
2. From your OP, the affair kept going for 6 months AFTER you found out. That's even MORE disrespectful.
3. He's still lying.
How, precisely, are you supposed to move past this? I couldn't with any sort of cheating, but with facts like these it's that much worse.
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I doubt it, especially since you're convinced that he still hasn't come clean about everything. And did I read that right? You found out about the affair 18 months ago but it ended only a year ago? I don't know why you stopped going to counseling after only a month, especially since you got the details only after you stopped going. He wasn't honest in counseling, and you have good reason to believe he's not being honest now. I don't understand how you expect to save your marriage all by yourself.
Thank you so much for all of the advice ladies...
1)- Yes, I found out on my own. He was really stupid on the first date night, and found out about her a few days later when I looked at our cell phone record.
2) I didn't realize until after we went to counseling that we were pretty distant and when I was getting the emotional support from my son... he was elsewhere.
3) I do understand how and why the affair happened. And of course- it was hard for him to walk away at first because she was telling him everything that he wanted to hear, and they had a little escape from reality. When they went out for drinks- they didn't have to worry about kids, bills, or home life- just each others company. Again, no excuse WHAT SO EVER!
4) I found mid- September, and by January we were in counseling. I had a offer with my job to move out of state, and supposedly, that's when it "clicked" for him and that he wanted to stay with me. As months go on, I found a text where they were going to meet at the park end of March because supposedly people were discussing their relationship at work. We both think now, that was just a way for her to get him alone.
It looks like I (we) may need to end back at counseling, or this will never work. He can never prove the he did or did not sleep with her, but after the phone call to hotels.com- how can I think they didn't? HE says that they went downtown, and most likely they would have ended up there- but they ended up staying down watching the live band so long and he had to make it home. I really don't believe it.
You are all right though. He can't expect me to be able to move on when he can't be honest about the past.
I'm almost to the point of e-mailing the biotch to ask her- but I don't think that would get us too far.
I have an aunt and uncle who went through this. They survived and are now happily married again. He had a girlfriend on the side, my aunt found out, uncle chose the girlfriend. He moved out on his wife/kids and lived with the gf for a year. If they can work it out, you can too. They have been back together for more than 10 years and are truly happy.
As for whether or not he slept with her, all we can do is speculate. No one knows except for him and her. You have to make the choice now - either you choose to trust him (and believe he didn't sleep with her), or you choose not to. I do think counseling would be beneficial, and I'm not one to throw around the you-need-counseling-advice.
Does he still work with her? That is one thing that I would demand he stop. If so, he needs a new job.
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So he continued to see her for SIX MONTHS after you found out, and it took him all that time to realize that he wanted to be with you? And his way of addressing gossip at work was to meet up with her? In a public place?
I have some swampland in Florida to sell to you.
I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. This must have been terrible for you. You've given a lot of explanations for his behavior, and while you insist that they are not excuses, the fact remains that you are attempting to become more comfortable with this by explaining it away.
Peoples' motivations aren't always clear, and your husband may or may not be lying to you for a variety of reasons - but none of that matters. What matters is how you feel about your relationship. If things don't change, will you stay? What are your goals for yourself and this marriage? If I were in your position, I would be closely examining my own feelings and motivations.
I hope that you find happiness, whether it is with your husband or on your own.
As months go on, I found a text where they were going to meet at the park end of March because supposedly people were discussing their relationship at work. We both think now, that was just a way for her to get him alone
Bwwwahhh, yes it was all her plot. He was just going along with it to bust her, right? OMG
I have this bridge....
I'm so sorry! Yes, it's possible to move on and be happy again. Whether or not that occurs will depend on you and him.
I know I couldn't stay in the relationship, married or not, but that's just me.
This exactly. You keep saying that there's no excuse for what he's done, but if you re-read what you've posted so far you are making so many excuses for him.
He is still not accepting responsibility for what he's done and by making excuses for him you are allowing him not to. Are you really surprised that you are not happy and at ease in a relationship where you are considering contacting the other woman for the truth?
I could not stay with my H if he cheated, that is an absolute deal-breaker for me. With that said, I know there are couples that have survived infidelity. As others have said, this requires 100% honesty and that does not seem to be something your H is interested in. I also think it requires months, if not years, of therapy. Why did you stop so quickly?
Not only did he cheat, it took him months to decide he wanted you, not her- don't you think you are worth so much more than that? Do you really want to spend your life with a man that you can't trust? Take the time to go to counseling alone (even if you do go back to marriage counseling) and really think about why you're staying in this marriage.
Your uncle chose the other woman and lived with her for a year? Yeah right, they're truly happy now - I'd bet a year's salary that they're "truly happy" like wittyschaffy is truly happy. What terrible advice.
Who was the girl who was talking about how she was just going to constantly stalk her husband to make sure he wasn't cheating, but they would remain happily married? If you have to check your husband's cell phone, you aren't happy, you DON'T trust him and your marriage is not okay.
I've responded to all of your posts on the other boards you put this on, but I will reiterate that I see a serious problem with your attempts to minimize his involvement and your hatred for the other woman. So what is she is a sneaky ho? YOUR HUSBAND SLEPT WITH HER. He is the one who was married to you and made a commitment to you, she owed you nothing. Their relationship required two willing parties. If she really is this horrible, gross woman then what does it say about your H that he wanted to be with her?
Also, based on your statement that he continued to see her six months after you found out and he couldn't decide during that time if he wanted to continue your marriage, that makes me sick for you. I get wanting to preserve your family and feeling betrayed and wanting to know you can fix it, but he is telling you through his ACTIONS that he is not committed to this marriage.
They weren't immediately. They worked on it for YEARS, and their relationship is still a work in progress. They did many years of therapy, but they did get there. They are happy. It was absolutely not an overnight thing, and I should have mentioned that. It was possible for my aunt and uncle. I don't know anything about OP or her relationship, but I do know that it is possible. Whether it is probable or not is another thing, but it can happen.
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