How to make a marriage work happily after an affair?

kellbell1919 · May 2011

I think it can be really hard to have to face the fact that your S/O may be someone other than who you thought they were. But based on his ACTIONS alone your DH is either very self absorbed or an excellent manipulator, probably both. To carry on with any type of affair, emotional or physical, after being caught shows tremendous disrespect for you. I don't think I could ever trust someone who did that again.

PittieBoo · May 2011

Have you been to www.survivinginfidelity.com ? I suggest you go there. Without total honesty on his part, there can be no trust. Without trust, a marriage is a sham. If you have been re-building the marriage, he would be putting forth massive amounts of effort to prove his fidelity to you and gain back trust day by day.

I would take the words of others who have been there, reconciled and or divorced, as no one knows how they will react until there are in the situation. It's easy to play arm chair therapist when it isn't you, kwim?

PittieBoo · May 2011

... if you really want to know what he is up to, I would suggest looking into a keystroke logger for the home computer so you can see if he is conversing with other women and or using secret email accounts / credit cards you may or may not know about. This might help push you off the fence one way or the other.

TNchickadee · May 2011

PittieBoo:
... if you really want to know what he is up to, I would suggest looking into a keystroke logger for the home computer so you can see if he is conversing with other women and or using secret email accounts / credit cards you may or may not know about. This might help push you off the fence one way or the other.

This isn't a bad idea if that's what you want to do, but honestly, if you feel the need to do that, what is even left of your marriage?

I could never trust a man like this again, nor would I want to.

PittieBoo · May 2011

Given that she has forgiven him and yet he continues to cheat, I think she might need some black and white proof. But yes, installing a keystroke logger means you have zero turst and without trust, you can't have a healthy marriage.

jennifer0124 · May 2011

If I can reply from the other side of the fence - I cheated on my boyfriend of 3 years. He was ready to get married and I clearly was not - I just didn't have the balls to leave him. I cheated on my now husband who knew the situation at the time (and apparently friends and some family knew as well). I am not proud by any means but because he cheated does not mean he is always a cheater. I have no reasons to look outside our marriage and am fantastically happy now. Please take what you want from out situation but I just wanted to point out that just because he cheated at one point does not mean he'll always do it.

kcpokergal · May 2011

Not to dwell on the details but my DH had an affair and we have reconciled. But had he not admitted exactly what he did and understand what he did wrong I never would have taken him back.

Have you brought up this lack of admission of guilt in therapy? I think that would be the ideal place to start.

trigal · May 2011

I didn't read all (any) of the responses, but here is my two cents for what it's worth...

A good friend of mine found out about her husbands affairs after 20+ years of marriage. They are working things out. They each go to their own counselor and they also attend marriage counseling. He has been completely forthcoming and answering all of her questions honestly. If your husband cannot do that, then he is not 100% dedicated to making the marriage work. If you have stopped going to counseling (all three counselors!), then you aren't making it work. Counseling could last years and that doesn't mean it isn't working.

How to make a marriage work happily after an affair?

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