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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: (poll) If your spouse was going to dinner with a friend opposite sex while you stay home:
I checked "other" and here's why:
It would depend on who it was, and if I knew her. Both my husband and I have friends of the opposite sex, and it would be irrational if I were to be upset at him going out for dinner (or going to a NASCAR race) with one of his female friends. I go dancing with my guy friend all the time, my hubby doesn't dance, and he knows that me going dancing with my guy friends is not me cheating on him, just me enjoying an activity that I love that he doesn't share my interest or skill in.
I personally feel that if you trust both your spouse and the person s/he is haning out with you have no reason to be jealous or upset over it.
It sounds like they're dating. Sorry, this would creep me out. I don't care if she's married or not.
ETA: I was in a kind of similar situation... DH works in his client's homes. He had one client who was a woman our age and she was in a long-term relationship, but broke up with her long term bf when she started seeing my husband a lot. She would say things like "Oh, my dad never likes any guys and he likes you." "I wish I could find a nice guy like you" and my H knew it was getting creepy when she started calling/texting him on the weekends about stuff they worked on during the week. It all came to a head when she confessed her feelings for him. Oh dear Lord, you should have seen me when I found out how far it had gotten. I see the warning signs in your post... You need to put an end to This Nonsense like yesterday.
THIS! Everything about your story has red flags all over it. What did you do when you saw her jump out of his truck when YOU pulled up? Why then? What were they doing?!
Everything dealing with your DH and this woman= NO GOOD
I wouldn't be okay with this at all. If this was kosher, you should have been invited, also.
If I was home and busy doing something, or we had kids and he wanted to catch up with an old friend in which the kids couldn't go (too late or at a bar or whatever) I would be ok with it. I have lots of guy friends and he doesn't have a problem with that either.
If he was purposely leaving me out, telling me I couldn't go I would be angry and questioning his reasoning for going out with her.
Now if he was blatantly hiding it from me, lying about where he was, etc. Heck yes I would be super ticked & very suspicious.
I would not be okay with the situation you describe. She is his tutor, he is her student- plain and simply- how is it his job to "boost her back up" when she's upset about her husband? If I were that upset and needing emotional support, I would go to my good friends, or some family members- not to my new tutoring student. No matter how much they have in common or how well they click- I have a hard time believing he's the only one who can boost her back up here.
The "she drives me nuts but we're just friends, we relate so well she's like a sister" stuff- I call bs. I think, bare minimum, he enjoys feeling like her on-call knight in shining armor, the Shoulder To Cry On, the Only One Who Really Understands Her. I think it's also quite likely that he's dating her and is amping up his arguments of how physically unattracted he is to her to reassure you that it's all innocent, so he can keep doing exactly what he's doing.
And in any discussion, I would not let all of this fall on her. So she dropped by unexpectedly- what were his reasons for not saying he'd rather wait and see if you wanted to go too when you got back from church? So he says she drives him crazy- so why is he continuing to spend time with her?
I would not be okay with this. She is his tutor. I am assuming they are only meeting for an hour or so, maybe a little longer and he is paying her for her services, so why is there lunches and dinners involved? If you're there to learn and study, I don't get why anyone's personal lives and problems are coming up in conversation.
If he wants to take her to dinner, that's fine. But IMO you should be invited at the very least or it could also be a foursome with her husband.
I would definitely be keeping my eyes open.
Basically, your DH is carrying on a relationship with another woman right in front of you. Not cool. Put a stop to it TODAY!
You don't have any quality time together, but he has time to have quality time with his tutor? Not cool. I'd say stop trusting what your DH is saying to you and start wondering why he would rather spend time with her than you.
I had a good guy pal for a zillion years. Before either of us were married and had kids. We met in a business situation and started talking. I had my BF (at the time) and he had his. We went out to dinner on expense accounts, his, mine, whatever.
Okay, we were never emotionally or physically involved. no idea why but it just never came up. We were pals with a common interest.
I missed their wedding due to early baby arrival ;(
My friend lived in D.C. and I live in NYC. We had dinner perhaps 4 times a year and emailed, occasional phone calls if setting up a dinner.
he and his wife stayed at my country house for a week while we were out of town. They left a note and a cute hostess gift when they left.
About 4 years ago, totally out of the blue, he said that we had to talk.
He told me that his wife, A, was concerned about our friendship. wow
I told him that if our 25 year friendship was causing problems in HIS marriage, that he had to put his wife's concerns before our old friendship.
I'm probably a bit sad not to have the friendship anymore but his wife and family had to be his first concern.
perhaps this will change over the years perhaps not. I just didn't want A to think anything bad about her husband. So i butted out
I still don't 'get it' but i have to respect it.
I have always been the token girl and I've had male friendships throughout the years. I get along better with guys. My husband from time to time has felt slightly insecure. I ALWAYS make sure that
Nothing is kept secret.
The moment he's uncomfortable the friendship ends.
He's invited, unless it's work related. I have a male coworker I'm friends with. I don't carpool with him (even though we live in the same 'hood). I don't go to lunch with him - we pick stuff up every now and again. I don't share super personal stuff with him. I know and adore his gf.
And my friend is our friend. That is key.
I also have a rule were if I started becoming emotionally attached to a male friend, I'd have to tell my DH-he would do the same.
I'd also like to add that it doesn't matter how pretty these female friends are. I mean, most of the time when a guy cheats the wife is like "with her? you've got to be kidding me!"
I'm jealous by nature, so yes I'd be pissed.
In your case, uh, yeah, that wouldn't be happening.
Woah woah woah...she's having problems with her husband? Ok, I would definitely not let your man go out with her alone. Time and time again marriage and relationship books have touted the risks associated with that exact situation. I'm not saying she's going to try and seduce him, nor am I saying that he's going to cheat, however she is in a vulnerable position and that is when lines begin to blur.
MOST importantly, follow your gut. If you feel that it would bother you, SAY SO. Your man loves you and he shouldn't get upset if you want to come along. You just need to be honest, there is nothing wrong with wanting to come too. It's your right as his wife.
Sorry - late on this -and new to board-but I had to chime in on this one. I had an ex who said the exact thing to me about a new female friend of his - she drove him nuts and she was like a sister and he was helping her with her marital problems. They are now married with a kid.
As far as I am concerned, there is absolutely no reason for your husband to go out with you with a female unless it is someone he has known for a while, or if you cannot go. Call me insecure, or whatever, but the things you have written about the situation are HUGE red flags. Even if your husband is completely innocent and has no intention of doing anything, it doesn't mean that this lady is innocent too.
It depends on the situation. Some girls he knows I wouldn't have a problem with, others I would because I don't trust them. But if he were going out with other girls and never taking me out, I'd be pissed.
As for your story, where you were at church and she just popped out of his truck, I would have a major issue with that. That is sketchy to me and the fact that they share personal things makes it worse. I think you should have a serious talk with DH as soon as possible.
It sounds to me like she wants to cheat with him. I wouldn't go as far to say that they're actually doing it.. yet... but he seems to have certainly put himself on a slippery slope.
The only reason DH and I would ever be at events with a member of the opposite sex, exclusively just the two of us, is because one of us didn't want to or could not go. I have plenty of friends of the opposite sex and he does as well. Most of the time I see these friends in small groups, two or three people.
I'm trying to think of a situation where I would be exclusively hanging out with one of my male friends for something like dinner, though. Food is a pretty common interest shared by most people, so I don't see why both spouses wouldn't be included in these plans unless there was a specific reason. For instance my dad went to lunch recently with a local female political candidate - to talk completely about local politics. My mom knew, didn't care, was thrilled not to have to go. But this is pretty uncommon anyway. My dad has never hung out with this woman "just because." I don't even know that he'd say she was a good friend or anything, just someone to do business with.
Still, I think you need to have a chat with your DH. I would be wary of this situation and put a stop to them hanging out by themselves. There is no reason he can't get another tutor.
DS #2 on his way!
Meticulous Motherhood: A Blog
Tinker Drinker: DH's Drinking Blog
I just saw this and wanted to chime in--I'm 26, married, and I tutor anatomy/physiology and algebra/statistics/calculus for the local community college to make ends meet while I finish up a degree. I would NEVER EVER EVER go out with a client, male or female. This should be a once or twice a week thing, and should be kept on campus or at the coffee shop, or wherever they meet. I changed my clients to only accepting female students because all of the men were coming on to me. I don't know why. I think it just has to do with the atmosphere of spending two or four hours alone with someone a week and sometimes that the only real conversation that person gets? So they get attached? Either way, step up your involvement in each others lives, he can't take her our to dinner if you're taking him out to dinner or making nice meals at home or planning quality time together every night of the week. This could go too far otherwise, because I don't buy the "just like a sister" because he'd want you to hang out with her if he thought she was just cool like a sister.
If I cant do it then he sure as hell cant!
Plus, why cant he take you out to dinner? I mean really... in this day age with the rate of infedelity in monogamus relationships theres already a cultural influence undertone of mistrust and lust. What's missing in you that causes him to want the company of a another woman. Thats enough to re-evaluate the relationship status if you ask me.
If its a situation where hes friends with a guy from work and they want to have a BBQ and the friend brings his wife, GF, other to the BBQ hey NP. If your insecure you better hope she aint hot otherwise roll with it with a good sense of humor and open mind.
Regardless, all realtionships are continous effort and require both parties to be plugged in and on the same page at all times. Anything unbalanced tips over and breaks.
I'm very late to this - and hope there is a good update now - but clearly your husband is having an emotional affair. you need to look into this and set up some boundaries.
I'm sorry.