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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: B&M Monday
DH is away all week on business. It's our first time away since the wedding. This shall be interesting. On a positive note, I'm just thrilled I don't have to make his lunch for a week.
I really can't stand negative people.
I agree and disagree. I think it's shiity when some of your best friends don't WANT to do anything more than show up.
On the flip side, I also don't believe they're obligated to do anything but stand up there on the wedding day. And I think it's a little presumptuous and bratty, IMHO, to expect them to do things for you.
ETA: and yes I realize this is an unpopular opinion.
Brianna, that really sucks that people stole from your garage sale.
BABC Nesties, did you guys take any pictures at the event?
ETA: I am slow, I didn't see the BABC post.
My Ovulation Chart
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="D
Wow I feel ya! I went through "crap" with one of my bridesmaids and it wasn't fun the closer our wedding got. I love that you're doing a blog about "being a great bridesmaid"! I can't wait to read it and hope they get the message for sure.
Summer, I can see how it might have come across that way, definitely. And some brides take it way too far. But I'm talking about "given the entire month of August, I can't come up with a single day that I could possibly make it to an engagement party someone else is throwing for you, even if you try to plan it specifically so I can come," and other stuff like that. My friend isn't expecting to be the center of the world , or weekends devoted to DIY projects.
What really put me over the edge is that she sent out an email to us about how excited she was that we were going to be with her in this special time, and asking any thoughts and requests we might have on dresses... I'm the only one that even bothered to respond.
I guess I'm just of the opinion, having seen A LOT on both sides, that being asked to be a bridesmaid is a huge honor. I can't imagine being less than thrilled for my friend, and wanting to help in any way I can.
I found out the hard way that a lot of people don't understand what all it entails. Don't you love "Come to Jesus" talks!
I can't wait to read your post! I might forward it to my negative MOH, maybe she will get a clue on what she was suppose to have done.
I agree that's crappy. I just can't stand the "you're a BM you have to do this, and this, and this for me" attitude.
Random..but related to the BM discussion.
WWYD when the shoe is on the other foot? Your now a BM in a wedding where the bride did very little for you when you got married ... and your now being asked by her BM's to help move the world?
I am a doormat when it comes to things like this. I give 110% even if I was only given 10%. I feel like two wrongs don't make a right, so I should treat her as I want to be treated even if she treated me like crap and won't appreciate my efforts. This is probably not a popular way of looking at it, but I feel like being the bigger person is always the better option when it comes to weddings/special occasions. You don't want to remembered as that girl.
Baby Girl Papaya!
Check out the BABC post above for some pics.
I'm one of those people that always tries to err on the side of positivity. Kill 'em with kindness. Be honest about what you will and will not be available for, but try in all cases to BE the bridesmaid you would have wanted as a bride.
This is coming from a former bride with HEINOUS bridesmaid stories. My MOH bailed, and didn't even come to the wedding. My replacement MOH got trashed at my b-party and I had to babysit her. My SIL got drunk at our non-alcoholic wedding and left before we even started dancing. *hand/forehead*. Sometimes, people suck... all I can do is make sure that *I* don't suck.
I don't know what I'd do, honestly. I know I would want to say "tough cookies, she didn't do anything for me when I got married, why should I go above and beyond?"
But it depends on a lot of factors. Who the person is, what they're asking me to do, if I feel like being the bigger person that day, etc.
ETA: The reason I say it depends, is because I'm thinking of a friend in particular who this is a likely circumstance for me in the future. And our friendship has always been a 70/30, with me giving the 70. And I'm not the doormat type. There comes a time when I say enough is enough, I will not be the one doing everything for someone when they don't give anything. That's not a friendship. And if that's the situation, I would analyze what I have going on in my life and figure out how much of myself I can give to helping. Selfish? Maybe. But I'm not going to bend over backwards for someone who historically will not for me.
Yes, extremely sad when you read more of the details like the reasons why she didn't want to report him because he would come after her after he was released and to protect the father image for her kids.
Bio Good Times
Chelsea and Leslie - Haha, well I definitely don't suck. I went dress shopping on two occasions, begrudgingly went to two bridal shows, offered my house as a shower venue, etc.
What I'm being asked to do will bring my cost of being a BM to total close to $500, not including anything bachelorette party related or a gift. I'm finding it hard to be "gung ho" beyond paying my required part and attending with a smile.
Which makes me sad, really.
WHOA. That's a whole heapin' lot.
I think in that case, I'd at least be honest with the other bridesmaids. I would NOT talk to the bride about it... not that you would. Just say, "That's considerably more than I had budgeted to spend on my involvement in this wedding, and while I love *bride*, I'm just not prepared for that expense." Hopefully there are ways they can tweak the plans they're making... since clearly, they aren't consulting you before deciding what needs to happen.
I'm sorry you're having to deal with this! That's one area I've never really understood. Throwing a bachelorette party or a shower is one thing... but piling expenses on your friends? Nope. Not ok.
I would feel the same way. And that shouldn't make you sad. I would feel a little resentment that you seem to be doing a lot for her when according to you, she didn't do much when it was your turn.
Naturally, most people would grumble under their breath about having to pay that much extra, on top of everything else.
Yea, she has some amazing friends...and I would never trouble her with it. I did voice my opinion on the cost already to the MOH and BM's, and they changed the venue and decreased the cost, believe it or not. It would have been more. Not much else I can say at this point.
Oh well. What can ya do...
Aaaaaaaaaaccccctttttuuuualllllllyyy (yes, drawn out for the dramatics) - this is a hot hot hot topic on TK and Summer is correct, by etiquette standards. Bridesmaids aren't required to do anything except show up and stand by you on your wedding day and it's seen as presumptuous to ask/expect anyone to do all of the things that most brides just think is the norm. Of course, the extras are GREAT, I had awesome bridesmaids that were a God-send, but it's not required. Having a "good bridesmaid" standard would be flamed hard-core on TK.
Bio
I agree that it would be harder to be so gung ho when that friend didn't put forth as much effort for your wedding.
Bio Good Times
You can tell them "tough noodles"! I love my friends, but I am not prepared to spend $500 on any one of them at a moment's notice!
Bio
This could actually be helpful information for me to have, if there's somewhere you can point me that says exactly what "etiquette standards" are.
I will probably still always err on the side of just plain being a good friend. I also come from a camp that likes small wedding parties... people who are actually close enough to you to be SUPER duper excited that you're getting married, and want to do everything they can. If someone doesn't have that attitude, why would you want them to stand up with you in the first place?
Some of the stuff that was mentioned on the FB thread I started was... order your dress on time. Have it pressed before the wedding. Plan to stay all night, until the reception is over, even if that means you have to get babysitting or your boyfriend leaves without you because he doesn't know anyone. Dance with the bride even if the floor is empty. Stuff like that. Maybe that's not in bridesmaid etiquette, but I do think it's in "being a good friend" etiquette.
I didn't ask my BM's to do anything. I told them they didn't even have to worry about going to my shower if they couldn't make it. (My MIL hosted). I think girls assume they have these "jobs" now, and if they don't do them or offer, they're not good BM's. It's ridiculous.
Oh yeah, I totally agree with those suggestions Chelsea. I found this on Emily Post, which does include attending wedding functions. But as far as paying for Bachelorette Parties and things like that, they're not on here. Interesting to see how the opinions differ from even different websites, but I think that Emily Post is a pretty good name for etiquette.
ETA: Paying for those parties IS on here, but it's written as "Nice, but optional."
http://www.emilypost.com/attendants
Bio
These things for sure. Any friend good enough to be asked to be a BM should be willing to do these things.
I had one crap BM and two awesome ones. The crap BM is the one I had already thrown an engagement party for and helped when she went dress shopping/put a deposit down on a BM dress. When the engagement was subsequently broken off (at my wedding!) I told her not to worry, I would gladly do those things again with her. She was crap to me but I knew that going into it as she is generally kind of crap about most things.
Unrelated - the dude who had my phone number before me must have NEVER paid his bills. I literally get 3-4 collections calls a day. No matter how many times I tell them this is no longer his phone, they still call. Any suggestions?
Regarding the bridesmaid thing all I can say is I am glad mine is over and I dont have to deal with all of this again.
I do have another actual b&m, I ordered a mani/pedi/massage package on living social before the wedding for $62. I called to schedule an appointment before the wedding and the first available they had was in May so I waited until we got home from the honeymoon and scheduled the first available appointment which was July 24th. I got a call at 10am yesterday saying she had to cancel my appointment and would like to refund me. I advised I wanted to reschedule to which I was told the next available appointment would be in November. I said I would take the refund and she offered me a check. I am now in the process of trying to get my money back from living social.
Edit: not = now
what the heck?! That's lame! Sorry Bobbileigh.
Bio
Yeah, I raised my voice a little and wasnt super nice towards the end but she wouldnt even give me the reason she needed to cancel, and I sure as heck was not taking a check. I think what pisses me off the most is with funds so tight I cant justify a mani/pedi/massage in the budget rightr now but since this was bought a long time ago it was a way to treat myself now without it hurting the bank acct.
I went home and feel asleep on the couch after BABC. I pretty much have to take a short nap every Saturday and Sunday now, or at least lie down for a few minutes. I'm trying to just accept it and move on.
I am really stressed right now. Mel is getting her car Aug. 3 and is about to start driving, is looking for jobs, etc. I'm not ready. I just feel really overwhelmed with all that is about to happen.
ETA: BL, that sucks. I have never trusted those Living Social things. If you ever get an invitation for Spa Week though, I totally recommend it. I treated both my mom and I to spa week in April for her birthday and it was a great deal.
With All the Trimmings
Just do it!