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Sister did not ask me to be a bridesmaid
My sister just called me and asked if my two daughters could be her flower girls. I, of course, told her yes.
She then asked if I would be a READER at the wedding instead of a bridesmaid or even Matron of Honor. I was shocked and extremely hurt. She said I would be busy at the wedding with my daughters. Hello? DH can handle them.
She said she did not expect me to come to the bacherlorette party. The party is being held in another city from where we both live. No date has been set. So, this way I would not have to contribute any money to the party. DH and I are not having money issues.
I asked her who were her bridesmaids. She named 5 other girls who 3 of them I did not think she was that good of friends with to be bridesmaids. She said they are all friends with each other. None of them live in her town or where the bachelorette party will be held. I feel like I am not even invited to the bachelorette party.
What really hurts me she never asked me if I wanted to be a bridesmaid. She could have said she wanted me to be part of the wedding, but understood with me living far away and having two young kids; that it might be easier to be just a reader. She just assumed I would not come to the bachelorette party. My husband can handle the kids for a weekend. I just did that to travel to my grandmother's funeral.
Guess who was my Maid of Honor? She is my only sibling. She was only 19 at the time of my wedding, so I basically had her as MOH but did not expect anything from her. She threw a hissy fit I wanted to go out drinking for my bachelorette party. I did a spa day and dinner with her beforehand to make her feel somewhat included.
Plus, her timing stinks. My DH just got serious bad news about his health yesterday and will need major surgery. I am freaking out since we have no family around to help me with the kids. Though DH should make a complete recovery and be healthy again in a month or less. The wedding is not for a year.
Feeling very overwhelmed and very hurt.
Re: Sister did not ask me to be a bridesmaid
Okay, so keep in mind that I'm not a huge fan of the whole Bridesmaid thing. I didn't have them, have never been one and really can't see the importance. For the record, neither did my sister nor my brother - not really a thing in our family.
That said, if you two are so close, can't you just tell her how you're feeling? Let her know that you believe she was trying to make things easier for you, but that you'd really love to feel included in another way. Having you do a reading seems to me says that she finds you important and wants you as a part of the ceremony, but if you want to talk to her about your emotional reaction, without expecting her to change her mind (and you make sure you say that!!), I think that's fine.
Looking forward to reading others' replies...
ehhh, it's her right. You got to choose who you wanted and she will too. IDK, this kind of stuff doesn't bother me. Last year my sister got married and I wasn't a bridesmaid. She was in my wedding party but I didn't think she needed to do the same. My daughter was the flower girl and that honestly was about as much as I could handle at that time and was happy with it.
Just let it go and be happy for her.
It's true that you will "always be her sister" but yeah, it would have been nice if she could have asked you.
She's asking her bp way way too early --- over a year from now? that must mean next fall. She should have waited until about the start of May and then asked away.
I would be sad if my sister's don't ask me to be in their wedding party, but it is their choice.
I had both of my sisters in my wedding party. (neither of them were my MOH as I wanted my BFF to be my MOH) I even talked to my sisters before hand about choosing my MOH just so they understood where I stood with it, not that I had to) They both understood my decision.
My feelings would be hurt too. I'm sorry.
Look at it from this perspective - you don't have to worry about wearing a tacky BM dress, or coordinating showers/bach parties! And all you have to do is worry about being a guest at her parties and wedding.
Honestly, I'd be pretty devastated too. I don't know how close your family is, but can you talk to your mom about it? I wouldn't say anything to your sister (and neither should anyone else) but maybe your mom can give you some insight/comfort.
That does suck. I'm sorry. I'd be really hurt as well.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
I'm sorry--about your husband's surgery and your sister's choice.
I would be really hurt if I wasn't included in my sister's wedding party. I don't know your relationship with your sister, but if it were me, I would bring it up sometime when you're not so emotional. Just tell her that you understand that it's her decision to make, but that you were a bit stung not to be asked. Give her a chance to explain, and then get over it.
One less dress to buy, right? Use the money you would have spent on a bridesmaid dress (and any other expenses customary for your family) on something fun for yourself and your husband.
I can see where you'd be hurt by her attitude and assumptions, especially following on the news of your husband's illness.
Could it be that she's trying not to add any stress to your life? Like you said, you do have two small children, a husband with a big health issue, and everything else in the normal life of a married woman with children. She also may see the whole bridesmaid and bachelorette party scene as being for younger women -- she's what, 25? If she and her friends are still in the carefree lifestyle stage, it may not have occurred to her that you'd WANT to buy a dress she chose and spend your time and money on attending a bachelorette weekend at your age and stage of life. Heck, my youngest sister is 26 and unmarried, and she has a very difficult time understanding my life because we're in totally different places.
Assuming you're close, approach it with her from a place of gentleness and assume her good intentions. Tell her that you're happy to be involved with her wedding plans in the way that's best for her, but that you'd hoped, as her only sibling, to be included as a bridesmaid and you'd like to attend her bachelorette party. And then the ball's in her court.
Um, I think you're overreacting.
I have 4 sisters and we are all close. I was only in one of their weddings (my twin sister's) and I never was MOH. My twin sister was in my wedding but wasn't my MOH. My best friend filled that role. Honestly I think it's NBD.
She also may see the whole bridesmaid and bachelorette party scene as being for younger women -- she's what, 25?
I don't see it as for young ladies at all -- I've seen bridal parties of all ages; one had a 15 year old sis as a MOH (maybe she couldn't sign the license but she sure could help plan the bridesmaid's activities; she rand the shower with the help of the MOH and one or 2 of the other BMs); somebody else had their aunt as a MOH.
I hope you get some resolution and closure; this is real early on in the wedding planning.
If she asked you to be a BM sometime between now and then, would you do it? Just curious.
I think this is one of those things that it's completely up to you. If it's something that hurts you, then it hurts you and no one can judge that. If it's something that doesn't hurt you then that's great.
I can completely understand why you are hurt, I would be too. My sister is 10 years older then me and she was my MOH. She was completely shocked/surprised/excited that I even asked her. She wasn't expecting it since we are so far apart in age, but she's always been there for me and knows me better then my best friend. My BF had no issues with my asking my sister, in fact she was expecting it.
On the other hand, I have 2 brothers that I'm not very close to. They have never really been around while I was growing up, long story. I only had them as Ushers.
With that said, I think it's about your relationship with your sister. It's hard if there is an age gap. My sister had told me that she wasn't even expecting to stand in my wedding let alone be my MOH.
My sister is 27. So, she is old enough to be more considerate of other people's feelings. I am 31. I am not too old to go out for a bacherlorette party. In fact, I would welcome the opportunity to spend a weekend away.
I called three of my friends today to ask them what they thought of the situation. All have sisters and know both of us. Most were at loss for words that my sister did not ask me. One friend, asked both her sisters to be in her wedding. One was really pregnant and her son was the ring bearer. It never crossed her mind not to ask her sister.
When my sister told me this afternoon; I did tell her I was very hurt and angry. I feel like she just wants me as a flower girl wrangler. She said she was surprised I wanted to be a bridesmaid. When I found out she was engaged; I sent her a wedding planning book and I have been e-mailing her pictures of cupcake stands (she is debating with my mom whether to do cake or cupcakes). It was obvious I was excited about the wedding.
When she told me the date--in May; I told her it was her wedding and I know how hard it is to plan a wedding. The date is not great for me since my oldest will miss some school and my parents will not fly-in for my daughter's birthday party. (Big deal since we no family here; so there will be no family for her party. Family is important to me.) But, it's my sister's wedding, so we will do what we have to do to make it work for her.
I never would have dreamed she would not ask me to be a bridesmaid. I figured she would think MOH would be too much with the kids--but at least a BM. Just say, show up and wear a dress--if she didn't want to stress me out. At least that way--I don't have to worry about picking out a dress. HAHA
I am extremely organized person. I have planned bridal showers for two brides from being out-of-town and they came out well. I was always there for the bride and I knew my job was to smile and nod and make the bride happy. Why would I do anything less for my own sister.
Now I am so hurt; I feel like she is using me for my daughters. Now she is telling me she wants me to be in the wedding mostly since I feel she is afraid I will pull the girls. (This is now over e-mail since I am refusing to answer my phone--I need to cool off.) I don't know what to do. I feel like once you pull something like that you can't take it back. I don't want to be someone she can just walk all over.
I feel like I will be totally embarrassed at the wedding since I know people will pull me aside and ask why I am not in the wedding. Sure, I can shrug it off, but I know it will hurt. I just don't understand how she could not see how this would hurt and the problems it would cause.
Eh, I didn't have a wedding party and I have one sister. If my sister ever gets married, it won't bother me if she doesn't ask me to be in it.
I think you are overreacting with the "using me for my daughters" and stating you will be embarrassed at the wedding.
Adults don't have important conversations via email. Call her after you have cooled off.
I would be very hurt- I have 1 sister, 4 years younger than me and I would never have considered not making her my MOH. She was my only "bridal party" actually. I can't even imagine I wont at least make her bridal party, I just assume I will. We are very close though- talk daily, see each other weekly minimum. That being said I would be so hurt I'd pull my kids out- IMO, I'm not good enough? Then neither are my kids. And I'd be very vague- "yeah, so I'm just so busy and overwhelmed that I just dont think its doable for me but I know you'll understand. Thanks for thinking of them" Not saying thats the right thing to do, but I know I'd be hurt enough to do that myself. And I'm typically my hurt turns to anger and cant see beyond that, probably something I should work on. Plus you basically would have to do/attend all the bridal party events to supervise your children but dont get to actually be a part of the fun- that would just tick me off. Sorry- I'm not one for great advice here but I see why your hurt in this situation.
I would've felt hurt too! Do you feel comfortable enough talking to her about it? Or maybe start by asking her details about the BParty & your overall excitement for her wedding and if there is anything you can do to help with the party...then segway into the MOH/BM discussion. Perhaps the interest she feels coming from you may spark it in her mind that you would be available. I'm sure it is as you say...that she knows you're super busy mom and doesn't want to impose on your schedule. Sorry to hear about your DH, hope all goes well.
But then I read your second post - you're so mad that you won't take her calls? Really? And then I saw your age - you have got to be kidding me. Grow the hell up. You've let your sister know that you're hurt, she's asked you to be in the wedding now - of course she's doing it to appease you. You got what you wanted, either take it and be gracious or tell her that you're happy with being a reader. Or pull your daughters from the wedding party and skip her wedding entirely, if that will make you feel better. You'll look like as a$$, but if you continue acting this way you're going to look like an a$$ no matter what anyway.
I think I'm starting to understand why she wasn't asked in the first place.
The Knot is filled with posts from brides who are miserable because they felt they had no choice but to ask immediate family (read: sisters) to be in their bridal party, just to keep the sisters happy. I'm certainly not a member of the "It's MY DAY!" school of thought regarding brides, but it is (or should be) the bride's choice who she wants standing by her when she makes her vows. This particular bride doesn't want her sister and she's well within her rights to not want her sister.
Did you actually tell her about how the date was bad for you and all the reasons? Honestly, if you did, if I were her, I probably would rethink asking you to be in the wedding myself! You're talking about how excited and supportive you are of her, but then you turn around and go into how the date is bad for YOU. Yea.... I could absolutely see her thinking being a BM will be too much for you.
And really, what did you think would happen when you told her you were angry? Of course she's going to back-peddle and ask you. but now that's not good enough.... YOU can't have it both ways.
Then the whole bit about how embarassed you'll be? Good grief. As a PP said, yeah... I'm kind of seeing why she didn't ask you to be in it. you're making this all about you now.
And also realize, the only reason this is causing any problems is because YOU are causing problems. If you really were supportive of her, you would have sucked up the hurt, put a smile on and said "Can't wait to be a reader- let me know what else you need!" and moved on. But because you're pissed and told her so, and now that you're more concerned about your 'emabarassment' - THAT is what is causing problems.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm on your sister's side now after the update. You really should have just accepted she didn't want you to be a bridesmaid and not put her in the uncomfortable position of making you one. You are drama and I think your sister was trying to avoid it on her wedding day. Sure, you were hurt but that does not give you carte blanche to act like a brat. Call her apologize and say you understand she is the bride, you will support her decision or stay the hell home.
Seriously, your DH is facing a medical problem and this is what you deem worthy of your attention? I'm embarrassed for you.
My sister is older with several children. One was too young to attend the wedding, just a month old and that child was staying with a friend. My sister's decision. Her other two children were in the wedding (4 and younger) and she was my MOH.
She planned and both she and her husband attended our joint party and our parents watched their grandchildren.
I feel like I will be totally embarrassed at the wedding since I know people will pull me aside and ask why I am not in the wedding. Sure, I can shrug it off, but I know it will hurt.
I think you're really overestimating just how much of a crap other people are going to give about all this.
I just don't understand how she could not see how this would hurt and the problems it would cause.
Look, I get being hurt. I'd also be hurt if my sister didn't ask me to be in her wedding. But at this point, the only "problems" that are coming up are the ones that YOU are creating by making a big honking deal out of all this. And to say that she's just "using" you to get your daughters to be flower girls is utterly ridiculous.
It's not abnormal to be bummed about this, but you seem to be obsessing over it. Calling a bunch of friends to whine about not being asked to be a BM is just weird and makes you seem really needy and dramatic. I'd be willing to bet that that is why a lot of your friends were "speechless" when you called them about this.
Get over it and just do the reading, or tell her that you'd rather just be a guest.
I read both your OP and update and I don't agree that your update makes you sound like a brat...honestly i would feel the same way you do and I don't see what's so wrong with you venting/getting opinions from us (i.e. outside perspective) before proceeding with dealing with it. I think calling your mom and bawling would be much worse, although I'm sure that would make you feel better.
I would continue just to be honest yet understanding. Say, I've always pictured being a bigger part of your day but I'm here for you no matter what. Don't count me out the bachelorette party yet, I promise I'll do everything I can to be there if you want me there. I've talked with DH and he's onboard with doing what ever it takes for me to be as involved as possible. I want to be there for you, I hope this can bring us closer!
Do you think there is a possibility that your sister is just a scapegoat for your emotions over your husband's illness ? I just know that when someone is facing a serious illness / surgery and have to be the strong person for the sick individual, sometimes their anxiety, fears, anger and frustrations get piled on to someone else.
I just thought I would bring it up but then again I wasn't asked to be a bridesmaid in my little sister's wedding but my DD was the flower girl and I wasn't upset or hurt one bit.
ETA: Uhh yeah, not one person asked why I wasn't a bridesmaid.
This.
I think you're suffering delusions of grandeur if you truly think that people will be gossiping and pulling you to the side constantly to ask you about this. I promise you that no one is going to do that. No one will care that much.
They may notice, and if they do they do one of two thoughts will run through their head.......1) "Hmm, Susie and Amy aren't super close", or 2) "Susie must be so busy with her little ones, how nice that she wasn't expected to be a BM".
And then they won't give it another thought. Because again - not a single person there is going to care that much about you and your "position" in the wedding. Because the wedding isn't about you. No one will have come to see YOU in a BM dress.
DH's brother was an usher in our wedding. He was not in the wedding party. Frankly, he and DH are not close and have not been for years. Why would DH have chosen him over one of his real friends to be a groomsmen......or why would we have had a large wedding party just so that everyone who felt entitled to be in it could have been in it? And I promise you - not a single person pulled BIL aside to ask him how he felt about it. No one sent DH hate mail over it. No one stopped the ceremony and demanded to know why BIL was only an usher and not a groomsman. BIL did not call DH crying and threatening to boycott our wedding.
Maybride2 is right.... about everything she has said (not to sound like a total follower and unorigional!)
I just wanted to add/say that you and your sister are the only ones who know your relationship. While you may think you are acting supportive of her new relationship and excited for her wedding, maybe she needs more than just someone who is happy for her to stand next to her on her big day?! Do both talk on a daily basis? Would you consider yourself closer to her than the other bridesmaids? You have to think about what she wants/needs in a bridesmaid and take that into consideration. Maybe you don?t have everything she is looking for in a bridesmaid (especially with the whole distance thing... she may feel like your relationship has faded). I would be supportive of your sister's decision, regardless of her reasons why (because I am sure she did not do it just to spite you... she had a reason) and be happy for her. You said yourself that whatever she needed to make her happy on her big day, you would be there to do it as a bridesmaid... maybe that means doing the same thing from the sidelines.
Also, to not keep going down the brat road... take a step back....and everyone needs to do this once in a while....Ask yourself:
What really matters right now?! Is this going to matter 5 years from now?! You have a healthy, happy family... be thankful for what you have and don't let the little things get in the way of your happiness.
You only live once!
Your DH could have taught my ex-FI a lesson! He had to have his brother in the wedding even though the were barely on speaking terms and had issues with each others SO. His brother even told him that he didn't expect to be best man, but he had to live up to everyone else's expectations. The wedding never happened because of this issue. Apparently putting up a front was more important and I realized that's how I would have had to of lived the rest of my life!