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future sister-in-law
My fiance is very attached to his family. They rely on him for a lot of things. He gives his parents money from time to time and he has never lived on his own. This has been a concern for me because I think he and his family is going to have a hard time letting him go. He has one sister who has two kids, ages 3 and 7. I have three brothers and sisters and 5 nieces and nephews.
At the beginning of wedding planning I knew I did not want any children involved in the wedding party. Since there are 7 nieces and nephews between the two of us, you would have to include all 7 of them in order to make it fair. My sister has three boys and she is the Matron of Honor. She cannot afford to have all three boys in the wedding as well. My brother has two kids and I don't have a very good relationship with him and I can't trust that he and his wife will contribute equally for the wedding. My bridesmaids are my two sisters, my future sister-in-law and my best friend. My brother is not in the wedding.
The other day, my future sister-in-law was told that her daughter will not be in the wedding. She flipped out, said that her and her husband will not be in the wedding now and that we better tell her daughter that she won't be in it. So I'm not sure who told her daughter in the first place that she was going to be in it. My fiance has not spoken to me in two days because of this, meanwhile we made this decision together. He says that he is hurt. Well I'm hurting too, I felt her reaction/behavior was very rude, disrespectful, childish and selfish. No one is his family cared to ask whether or not any of my nieces or nephews are in the wedding, they are only worried about her daughter. And now because she had to throw a temper tantrum and say she's not going to participate in our wedding, my fiance is not speaking to me. I know she's doing this so that we'll cave but I'm not going to do that. It's not fair to only have her daughter in it and no other kids. I just don't know what to do, I feel as though I'm being punished for a decision that we made together. No one is seeing my side of it. I'm worried that he will always choose his family over me and I don't know if he really wants to marry me or stay married to his family.
What else can I say to make him and his family understand that this day is about my fiance and I and not about my sister-in-law's daughter?
Re: future sister-in-law
If you FI is anything like my now ex-FI - this will not change. He will lie about agreeing to not having them in the wedding or tell them that he only agreed because he knew it was what you wanted.
I was in the same situation and had to come to realize that it was not going to change and that I could not live that way for the rest of my life.
I do hope that your situation is different.. but he isn't talking to you? And you made this decision together? Something seems very wrong. Ask him what he wants to do?
I was going to have children in my wedding. Dresses for girls are not that expensive and some places give you a discount on the guys tux when you have so many people. Have you looked into it? Is it that you do not want kids in the wedding or that you are looking out for your sister and the cost?
Good luck!
BUT I have to ask- did you all really make the decision TOGETHER? The decision seems to be entirely about how you "can't" ask your sisters kids because she can't afford it, and you don't want to include your brothers kids. So, in turn, you don't want to include your SIL's kids.
Was your FI really 100% o.k. w/ this, or was he just rolling w/ it to make you happy?
But really.... the way his sister and family are acting when this is in fact about you and FI and not anyone else, this is a BIG sign of what you're life is going to be like.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If your FI won't defend you to his family now, he never will. He probably doesn't even recognize what he is doing wrong.
Postpone this wedding until you are able to work through this. It'll save you time, money and heartache down the road.
Wow! It's a wedding party. Who the F cares???!!! I didn't allow any kids at my wedding, except our nephews.
To answer your question though, your FI will never choose you over his family. But if you give in to this woman's temper tantrum now, they will feel they can always control you. I can't even imagine being in a relationship like this. How can you marry this man? I'm sorry. I just don't get it.
This! Wedding planning is hard but marriage is a lot more complicated than wedding planning.
No way would I marry a man like this. Postpone until he can live on his own, like a real adult and practice saying no to his family.
Honestly, he probably won't be able to do this for years. How old is he?
I'm worried that he will always choose his family over me
And based on everything you've explained here, you're right.
You need to decide very soon whether you can marry him and live the rest of your life in second place, or if you want to cancel the wedding for now and try to work on this issue (or end things with him entirely).
If he's always lived his life like this, then chances are incredibly slim that he's going to change his ways. So either get used to it, or bail out now before it's too late.
You're getting a taste of what your life will be like if you marry this boy. You will never matter as much or be as important to him as his siblings and parents are.
Unless you want your inlaws running your life, you need to think long and hard about marrying this man because you're correct, he'll always choose them over you.
At the very least, you need to postpone this wedding. I'd give counseling a shot, but ultimately, I don't think he'll change and then you'll have to decide if you want to find a non-momma's boy to marry or take a backseat to his family for the rest of your life.
I'd be glad a b*tch like that dropped out of my wedding party. Don't let the door hit you, sweetie!
Seriously - - if you made this decision with your fiance, or even if it was still "up for discussion" and he told his sis that her daughter was in, or if she ASSUMED that her daughter would be included and is now "angry" at you, either way you have a mess of a family situation on your hands.
Even if your FI was angry at you, the fact that he stops speaking to you for two days says volumes about his ability to communicate and problem solve. Do you really want to marry this?
I would never assume that my kids were included in a wedding party, even if my own sister got married. Heck, I wouldn't even assume they were invited. That is so rude!
I'm inclined to agree with the idea that this wasn't a 100% agreed to, that it was more about how to excuse your nieces and nephews from the party and to be "fair" as you put it, you chose to not include the kids on his side of the family. Even how you put it doesn't match with your just plain not wanting children in the wedding party. And the part about how these extended family members wouldn't or couldn't contribute financially to the wedding gets you a side eye...because it is your wedding and it should be your dime.
Having said that, the FSIL shouldn't have flipped her wig about the matter and you both need to go smooth it out- which doesn't mean give in to her demands or be the ones to break the news to the niece. If they assumed, that's one thing, but you give the idea that they were actually green-lighted for the wedding party.
There are reasons that your FI may not be speaking with you...it really depends on how everything went down *with you* as much as it depends on his attachments/enmeshments with his family. Since that wasn't really explained, I'm not ruling it out. Be that as it may, you're a grown woman....so he's not answering phones or emails or something? Go right up to his face and have the "we need to talk" discussion instead of waiting.
he is showing you who he is, believe him, and be grateful you are learning now instead of after you are married.
adults do not ignore their partner for several days when they are mad, they talk it out maturely.
huge red flag that he gives his family money. have you discussed this? will this continue once your married? will he consult you when he wants to give your money away or just do it?
you absolutely must be in pre-marital counseling. red flags all over the place here. you are marrying his family, not just him. don't put your head in the sand.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
I'm worried that he will always choose his family over me and I don't know if he really wants to marry me or stay married to his family.
ummm sweetie...he has already chosen them over you. He hasnt spoken toyou in 2 days. this guy is always going to married to his family, just because he gives you a ring doesnt mean it will change. A pretty princess dress will not help cut the cord.
A real man would have stepped right up and toldthem both to go F themselves. Instead little wimpy pants hid in the corner, pointed a fnger at you, and let you feel the wrath,
What a guy you have there...oh, i meant what a boy.
This exactly. Although I would probably skip the counseling part and just move on. No way I would marry into this whackadoodle family.
ETA: If I were you I would delete this post and get a new handle that doesn't have your whole name in it!!
The only thing to say to that family including FI is bye bye. You are willingly walking in to a living hell. You see the red flags, you know how he treats you, you admit you worry about it, and yet you are still making plans to marry him.
He is beyond immature with the silent treatment. Is this how he will handle future problems? How much money will he still give his parents or be at their beck and call? For the sake of your happiness get out before you marry him or worse have children that tie you to him and them forever!
I would like to think the answer was so obvious that your post was MUD, but I think you really are in this mess. If you think things are bad now try and imagine a life time of this drama. He is not the last man on earth and even if he was he is not a catch. Learn to kill your own spiders.
He's already told you that when the fight comes down, he's not on your side. Believe him and if you can't live that way, move on.
The money thing would have done it for me.
Don't try and marry a boy that gives his parents money because he has never lived on his own. When you marry such a boy, you end up with a son not a husband, do you want to be mommy 2? Especially knowing that mommy 1 will always when over you? Hell even his sister gets barking rights over you...
Agreed! 100%!
Wow I'm really surprised that everyone's response was to just walk away. Yes that would be the simple answer but I do love my fiance and although I'm sure it doesn't seem like it from my original post, I do love his family. My fiance is 26 years old and he is very immature and I tell him that a lot and his family also tells him that.
In regards to giving his family money, he has really stopped that. We had a long discussion about that and he no longer gives them money or if he does, we discuss it first and his parents do pay him back within a couple of weeks.
He talked to his sister about her behavior and he said the reason he didn't talk to me for two days was that he was really hurt and he just needed to think. I told him I was a wreck for those two days and I explained that we are supposed to be a partnership and even if he is mad at me, he needs to tell me. He has a hard time expressing himself and he likes to just let things bottle up or ignore them until they go away. This has been hard but believe it or not, he has made improvements. I have suggested pre-marital counseling for my concerns so we'll see if that works. We were meeting with a priest at one time when we took an engagement quiz and that seemed to help.
I know he has a lot of growing up to do and he has gotten much better at telling his parents to mind their own business and that once we are married, things will be changing. It's just frustrating because I don't know what it's going to be like. His sister is extremely attached to their mom whereas my fiance has always told his family that he is going to move out of state. So I think in some ways he wants to separate himself a little bit, I think he just doesn't know how to stand up to them. They know just what to say to make him feel guilty. But as for the flower girl issue, his sister understands where I'm coming from and she was just hurt because she just always assumed her daughter would be in the wedding. I am still confused as to what to do and I told my fiance that I wanted to talk to him today. Thanks for the feedback.
Here, let me help you with your frustration - want to know what it's going to be like after the wedding? Exactly as it is now - your inlaws will expect you to fall in line just like their son does, your husband will expect you to fall in line with whatever his family wants, and if you dare make waves and question or refuse them your inlaws and husband will throw temper tantrums and stop talking to you.
How many years of living like that do you think you can handle before you can't take it anymore and ask for a divorce?
My cousin just called off her engagement literally 2 weeks before her wedding due to in-law issues. The priest told her it was the best decision she could have made-- better a broken engagement than a broken marriage.
Food for thought.
You cannot say you have not had adequate warning. Good luck.
best piece of advice I ever received was "don't marry potential"
i dated a guy for years that had great potential to be the right partner and spouse for me. i figured give him more time and more love and he would become that guy. it never happened.
you should be going into marriage with eyes wide open. get into pre-marital counseling STAT to talk about your issues. communication is obviously not a strong point in your relationship, neither is the concept of "leaving and cleaving".
he will be the same guy after the ring is on
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
He can change things now, he just doesn't want to. Now it's after you are married, then it will be once you have a baby, then it will be another excuse.
If he needs time to mature, then postpone the wedding and let him mature. Marriage is for mature adults.
People here are giving you sound advice. Listen to it. For your own sake.
Nothing will change when you get married. It will be exactly as it is now, unless HE chooses to change and grow up, and then does something about it. And you can't create that kind of desire in another, no matter how much you love them. He has to decide that for himself.
At the very least, postpone the wedding. Yes, it's embarrassing, but it's worse to file for divorce after a year (or less) of marriage based on stuff you knew before. He's showing you who he is - believe him.
I can't stress this enough- MARRIAGE in and of itself doesn't, and actually really shouldn't, change things. And for anyone to go into it as CLEARLY as the two of you are thinking "Things will change"..... yeah, good luck w/ that one.
You're really, truly, foolishly naive if you think this is really going to happen.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10