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I'm new, but I have a question
Hi Nesties! I am popping over from BumpLand because I have a MIL/FIL question and your boards are more exciting.
Is it wrong that I am bothered by MIL/FIL "surprising" us with food? Last night we had our fantasy football draft, and I took my 8 month old to the grocery store (which, if you have kids, is not an easy task) to stock up on hamburgers, hot dogs, a few kinds of chips, rolls, etc, AND stuff to make a cake. Got home, got baby in bed, made the cake, formed the burger patties, got everything set up for the party. MIL/FIL show up 2 bags of chips, drinks, hot dogs, and more, and just go about their business moving my setup to put their own foods on the table.
DH told FIL (who is the world's pickiest eater and BURNS everything just because he is paranoid of his food making him sick, and he will burn everyone else's too because of this, even though I like my meat rare), "We actually got the good beef hot dogs for you" because FIL HAS to have really "high quality" hot dogs. So FIL says, "Well, I'm not taking these home, so use them first." DH and I don't eat hot dogs, ever, so I spent $5 on good hot dogs for no reason, apparently. And we had all these leftover chips, etc. Typically, MIL will also make a cake and bring to events as well. She never asks, and we never ask them to bring anything. Really, we tell her that we have everything covered and please don't bring anything with you.
It irks me so much that they do this. I feel like they think I am an inadequate hostess... But then they come into my house and my FIL will stand over me when I am at the stove to make sure I am making his spaghetti sauce "smoothe" because he hates chunks in it. He is always telling me that the chunks of onion are too big.
I know it seems petty, but I have been married to their son for 3 years now and have kept him at a nice, healthy weight. Obviously I am doing OK and I have baked and cooked before, so I don't know why they can't learn that they shouldn't bring extras to every little get together, especially when DH tells them not to. They will bring extra chips/whatever to birthdays, holidays... EVERYTHING, even though the menu is typically far "fancier" than that. What makes it worse is they don't even eat the stuff they bring! And they leave all the leftovers here for us, which means we have to throw their trash away for them because it starts to stink up their fridge!
So I guess my question is this:
Am I wrong to get upset that they are bringing the food over?
I wouldn't mind it if they would give us notice, you know? But had they told me they were bringing hot dogs, chips, etc, I would have spent $40 instead of $60 at the store, and spent a lot less time there with a fussy baby. Money is tight right now because I am switching jobs, so to have all this extra food that we won't eat now bugs me.
Re: I'm new, but I have a question
An American Girl's Travels
I'll give you a reply but first you have to listen to my vent.
The notion that you keep your husband well fed just irritates me. I'm very traditional yet STILL think it's weird when women talk about providing for their husband. These are grown men that can keep themselves fed.
With your MIL...yes all of that is tres annoying...especially with your FIL telling you how to cook. I don't know what I would do with that, I know what I would like to do but I don't have the guts for it.
I fore one HATE store bought baked goods, I don't like the way they taste at all. Mother in law is always trying to leave these at our house. I've gotten to the point where I say, I'll take a piece for Mike but I know I won't eat it. Or I'll say, I'll probably just throw it away. It's taken a while to get here.
But, you know this how she is and I'm wondering if you could develop a strategy on dealing with it. If you're inviting them over, say "last time we both made the same thing, so let me know what you are planning on bringing and I'll do something different" or "this is what I plan on serving and we're looking forward to eating that, I know you like to bring something with you so can I make a suggestion"
I think you need to let this roll off your back a bit. I get why you're annoyed, and I would be as well, but it seems like they're just trying to be good guests. Like PPs said, I would never go to someone's house empty-handed, albeit I wouldn't bring an entire meal with me like your in-laws seem to do. I don't think this is a horrible offense but I agree with you that some boundaries need to be set.
This is the point where your H needs to step in and say, "Dad, leave her alone, she cooks just fine without your help. Come with me and watch the ball game a while." If your H isn't available, you need to say something like, "If H has a problem with the sauce then he can let me know" or "H is perfectly capable of making his own food if he wants it a certain way." And if FIL won't back off, maybe laugh a bit and say, "FIL, sit down and relax. You're making me nervous standing over me like that!" If he still won't go away then you need to firmly say, "I have it handled. I don't appreciate you monitoring me like this. Please move." Or even just hand him the spoon and say, "If you're volunteering to make the sauce, great! I'm going to go sit and relax. Thanks for helping. Call me when it's ready," and then smile and walk away.
When you (or more appropriately, your H) invites them to your house, you should say, "We're all set for food - we have [list menu here]. We don't need you to bring anything, please. But since I know that you always bring something, please do me a favor and let me know exactly what you're bringing, so that we can plan our menu accordingly and not wind up with excess food like we always do." Or say, "The only thing we need is a dessert. Would you want to bring that? We have everything else covered so don't bring that." If they give you the courtesy of a heads-up when they are bringing food, then you don't need to spend as much money since they seem perfectly willing to foot the bill.
If they still bring food unannounced, there's nothing forcing you to eat it or even open it. Take the food and immedaitely put it away somewhere where they can't find it, and then if you don't wind up eating it then pack it up in a bag and hand it back to them when they leave and say, "We really don't have room for all of this stuff. Take it home with you." If it's unopened and won't go bad (like chips), tell them to bring it back next time. Your H shouldn't take no for an answer.
If they just outright refuse to listen to you, then your H needs to tell them that all of this food and money is being wasted, and if they won't listen then he won't be inviting them over as often.
It find it completely annoying. I prefer to plan my own menus and unless it is Superbowl Sunday, really DON'T like people bringing food.
I've had this issue around my parents. Your FIL would drive me nutty.
And even if I didn't agree with you, you are allowed to manage your home and your meals as YOU see fit. You are going to have to learn to be proactive, set some boundaries and ruffle some feathers. And make sure your DH backs you up 100%.
One of the nice things about people bringing over food is you don't have to serve it .You can take it, say "thank you!" and put it away. What you do with it thereafter is your business.
And hot dogs freeze, btw.
Which is why my hands are full of wine, fresh cut flowers, a keepsake, homemade jelly (for another time), or any number of wonderful things. Never some unexpected side dish that the hostess doesn't want to deal with.
Quite correct. Just don't forget to serve the marble rye bread.
WHOA, I would be way offended if I brought something and the person didn't serve it. THey obviously brought it to be shared
Another thought:
Are they aware of your financial situation? This may be why they feel the need to bring lots of food to your house. If they ARE aware that things are tight for you, are they just guessing that since you're switching jobs, or did you guys tell them that money is tight? If you told them, why?
Another idea might be to say, "We're not really able to host the football game this week. Do you guys want to host it?" If they agree, ask what you can bring and then bring that one item, or flat-out say, "I will bring chips and dip" and bring only that.
And has your H flat-out said anything to them? "Mom and Dad, we really appreciate your generosity with bringing food over, but you really don't need to bring so much. We have plenty of food here and we don't want things to go to waste. How about we all just communicate a bit better, so that none of us wind up wasting food or money by having 40 bags of chips?"
Sorry if you'd be offended. If you want to host a party, host it and serve whatever food you want. But if you're a guest, and you've been told no, we don't need anything, we already have the menu set, and you bring something, it's perfectly correct for the host to take that food and put it away; and actually incorrect for you to insist your food be served. You're not the host. Go home and eat your own food alone if you don't like what's being served.
Seriously? You need to find something else to bicth about. This seems super petty to me. I wish this was my biggest problem!
This is how I've always understood it too. I usually bring wine if I know they drink wine, since I'm not that into cooking. But I've always heard that the host is not obligated to serve the wine, they can certainly put it away for a future occasion.
For example, if they are really into wine or cooking, they may have put a lot of thought into which wines they were serving or pairing with certain dishes. So to expect that they serve the wine I brought would be unreasonable and if they did it could mess up something that they put a lot of thought into.
If they asked you to bring wine, however, that's a different story and I would be bothered if I was specifically asked to bring white wine and then they just put it away without an explanation. But if it is a hostess gift that I just chose to bring that's different.
I never said this was my biggest problem... I said it is something that is annoying me. We have told them over and over and over again that they don't need to bring anything, that we have everything, etc. I am irritated that they don't listen, and that they tell us "OK, if we don't need to bring anything, we'll just bring ourselves," and then come over and while I'm prepping something in the kitchen they are in the dining room opening 3 bags of chips they brought over and unloading a cooler of food they thought we'd need to host the event.
Bigger problems include my ILs believing it is perfectly acceptable to smoke around my 8 month old.
I noted in my OP that it is a petty thing, but it happens so frequently that I can't stand it. I promise I do have real problems that aren't so petty... but I had to post this one thing here to see if it was unreasonable that I am irritated.
Thanks. I b!tch endlessly on the bump about the smoking issue. Since there are issues with their other DIL, I make DH the "bad guy" and he relays the messages to them about most issues. But I told him that MIL MUST wash hands after smoking before touching DS, his toys, anything... and he defended her using hand sanitizer. They don't do the same thing, DH. So I have become the hard@ss in the house and DS is only with FIL/MIL once a week or once every other week, and I am usually there, too, to enforce the rules.
DH is a great day, but he always tries to defend her smoking, saying that "she smoked when she was pregnant with me and I turned out fine," and I always remind him that we are pretty sure her smoking caused his cleft lip and palate that took 18 years to correct and has left him with really low self esteem, and when he says "I turned out fine," I say "But you could have turned out great." That shuts him up.
***OK, vent over... I really don't like my MIL but everyone says I should go easy on her... I just think I have given her opportunities to be liked and she always makes it too d@mn hard.***
Your FIL sounds like an idiot.
Offer him the dogs to take home, if he refuses ceremoniously dump them in the trash with the "they're of no use to us" tagline. Return your own unopened ones next time you shop. If aapropriate, have DH haul the chips and crap to work or return them to the store unopened for credit. It's like a gift card.
That's a good idea... I never thought about returning food... didn't think you could because of safety issues and stuff.
What an incredibly cruel thing to say to your partner. It's awesome that you've identified something that is apparently very painful to your H and use it against him to make a point.
If your inlaws are always doing this sort of thing to you, stop inviting them over for food. Seriously.
And the first time that my MIL stands over my shoulder commenting on my cooking is the last time that she eats at my house. Where in the hell is your husband while your FIL is doing this?
Then that's the case where your H needs to tell his parents to go outside to smoke, to be nowhere near the baby when they're smoking, and then wash their hands as soon as they come back inside. And if they won't do it, then he needs to say, "We'll have to have a visit at another time when you're ready to do what we're asking of you for the baby's health," and then get up and show them the door.
And if he won't do that, then your problem is your husband and not your in-laws.
while it is somewhat petty it would annoy the hell out of me as well.
whatever they bring that they dont eat give back to them to take home.
it hink you've missed the boat on a few things here. did you ask them WHY they brought other chips? I mean directly? Did you discuss with them before the party what you would have/they could bring?
frankly if someone stood over the stove while i cooked my sauce and complaind the onions were too large i'd probably give them a snarky answer like 'great i'll be sure to give you a knife so you can cut them up in your bowl to just the teeny tiny super small pieces that you want them to be'. but i do things like that
i also think handing him the spoon is agreat idea!!
but really-dh has to say something here. they may not realize how much they're putting you out.
on another point i was really turned off by the 'oh i had to go grocery shopping with my kid and you know how hard that is'. who cares. really. that's like me complaining that i want a car but it's such a pain to put gas in it....goes with the territory...
I'm leaving the food issue alone, since that's been well covered.
But seriously? What good comes from telling your husband this? And you don't know what caused it. Maybe it was smoking, maybe it was something else. You're using cruelty to try to be right. Besides just being downright mean, it's not going to work. It will only push your husband further away from the point you're trying to make.
I deplore smoking, but you are way out of line here lady. Shut up.
"But you could have turned out great?" What a horrible thing to say.
I don't really get why everyone is so up in arms about the ILs (or their own family) bringing food. MIL pretty much takes over my kitchen when the ILs are visiting, and I LOVE that. Means I can relax and hang out with the rest of the family instead of slaving away in the kitchen. And I look at them bringing food (or ordering food) at our house as a treat for us... we don't have to pay for it or prep it. Win win!
The smoking thing is the hill to die on (minus that cruel comment to your husband).