Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: disaster waiting to happen
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CiGiDancer, you're a complete and total pushover if you're a-ok with your H not even consulting you about a major, life-changing decision that will affect your household and your marriage.Don't be smug about that particular personality attribute. It's not something to be proud of.
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I am sure I wasn't trying to be smug. And, as I said before, this situation is already a given between us because it has been discussed many times over. I was pointing it out because it honestly surprised me, not to say my way is better. To each their own, is my opinion. Probably because I am a natural pushover.....
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
If you've already discussed this and came to a mutual decision, this is not the same as the OP's situation. You made the decision together and that's fine. The OP wasn't given any sort of say... one day her H came home and said "beeteedubs, mama's moving in with us! kthanksbai!"
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
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If you've already discussed this and came to a mutual decision, this is not the same as the OP's situation. You made the decision together and that's fine. The OP wasn't given any sort of say... one day her H came home and said "beeteedubs, mama's moving in with us! kthanksbai!"
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If you thoroughly read my post this would be a non-issue because I didn't say anything that was meant to equate our situations. She stated that her husband told her that her MIL was moving in with them (to me this sounded passively angry, like I am sure it did the rest of you) but while most everyone was focusing on her choice of words, though I did I commented on them I moved on to her specific questions and concerns. Later on, I made mention of my relationship with my MIL. Not to say they were the same situation but to establish empathy and relate to her personally. Which was my motive for the comment in question.
And are you meaning to tell me, that neither before or after the wedding, most couples don't discuss this scenario? Because, this is discussed fairly regularly between us since we moved in together. Again, I feel I should clarify that I am not trying to be smug, I am new here and curious.
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
In this scenario, it's only a temporary thing, so I wouldn't really have a problem with DH offering up our home for a relative going through domestic issues. But then again, we have the room to spare. And having a built in babysitter for a while? Well, a girl can dream.
DH wouldn't "inform" me that they were staying with us though. I'm sure he would say "is it OK if my mom comes and stays for a while until she gets her own place lined up?" even if he had already sort of promised. He knows I'd say it was OK, and I know the same thing about him.
Are you dense, CiGi... I just SAID that I see now that your situations are completely different.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
:-D
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
Are you dense, CiGi... I just SAID that I see now that your situations are completely different.
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I must be because I obviously can't get my point across clearly. So, lets recap and see if we can begin to understand each other...
I say: "...First and foremost, for me, if my husband called and said his mother was coming to stay with us, I would welcome her with open arms. I feel that as her son, it is his duty to take care of her and as his wife, it is my duty to support him in that. If my mother called me and said my father had been unfaithful and she couldn't stay in the house anymore, without hesitation I would invite her into our home. But, DH and I know this about each other, so it is a given."
Now, upon reading this, do you think I am trying to equate our relationships or do you think I am trying to be sympathetic? Because after I write this you accuse me of being a pushover (and smug).
Then I say: "I am sure I wasn't trying to be smug. And, as I said before, this situation is already a given between us because it has been discussed many times over."
Then you say: "If you've already discussed this and came to a mutual decision, this is not the same as the OP's situation. You made the decision together and that's fine. The OP wasn't given any sort of say... one day her H came home and said "beeteedubs, mama's moving in with us! kthanksbai!""
And I think this is where the confusion begins. Because, I didn't mention this scenario to be smug and I didn't say it in an attempt to equate my relationship with the OP's, but to establish sympathy which I try to explain when....
I say this: "If you thoroughly read my post this would be a non-issue because I didn't say anything that was meant to equate our situations.... Later on, I made mention of my relationship with my MIL. Not to say they were the same situation but to establish empathy and relate to her personally..."
Then you say: "Are you dense, CiGi... I just SAID that I see now that your situations are completely different."
But that doesn't address my point at all. Because you were the one who first mentioned our situations being different. Then I replied saying that my statement was not made to establish equality, but sympathy. I wasn't trying to prove to you that we were different, I was trying to prove to you that wasn't my point...
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
"Life altering" is quite the weighted statement. I don't personally considering an in-law or family member staying with us for a few months a life altering event, so I am not sure your metaphor stands up right (pun intended). All though, literally, it sounds quite enticing....
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
No, mags is pretty much spot on here. Having another person - adult, child, stranger, family - come live with you is going to change a hell of a lot about your life. It will be life altering
And I say this as person who had her bff and bff's daughter move in after bff left her cheating husband.
Really someone coming into your space, sharing your lives on a daily basis, another adult with all their habits isnt life altering? Your life is altered when another individual invades your space, welcomed or not. Many newlyweds have issues for that very issue. It IS life altering whether you view it tht way or not.
Can a subjective statement be spot on?
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
I didn't make myself clear enough, and I feared this might happen. I really wanted to emphasize the phrase "life altering". The phrase "life altering" is a cliche and often inflammatory. When I use the phrase "life altering" or when I hear someone use the phrase "life altering" I immediately think drastic and irreversible. This is what I meant when I said the phrase was weighted.
Because, while it is true that in reality someone moving in with you is literally life altering, I do not feel that the brief interruption from a family member to my home life qualifies as the cliche term "life altering". Sorry. But what else can I say? It's just my opinion
I don't think this leaves room for much more argument...
What I do find curious, though, is that while my more abstract concepts were looked over, you decided to argue over the use and meaning of a cliche. Do you want to fight back and forth or do you want to have a discussion of my views? Because I would gladly dive into a conversation about what the duty of being a child is to their parents. Or what it means to respect your spouse. But that is not the kind of conversation we are having here, and that is not the kind of conversation that takes place on these boards. I didn't realize it was such a big girls club up in this place!
So, I will put this forth now. I am here with humility. I replied to the OP with humility. I am not trying to be smug, I am not trying to say my way is the right way, I am just here to connect with people like myself. If you perceive any threat or insult, by my difference of opinion and my recognition there of, then I apologize and that was not my intention.
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
I'm not sure who you are replying to, but I am going to go ahead and assume it is me because I asked if people talk about this scenario. I am confused though because I don't understand how by asking this question, I am implying that people who don't aren't married.
That being said, if that is your prerogative, that is fine. It's not mine. It's not my husbands, either.
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
Whelp, I'm glad you and your husband agree. And I'm glad my husband and I agree.
And if my husband made a decision like this without making sure we agreed, he could sleep on the porch.
I hate to drag this on, but do you and your husband agree? Because before you said you hadn't spoken about it... You should ask him, talk about a great conversation starter!
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
What I do find curious, though, is that while my more abstract concepts were looked over, you decided to argue over the use and meaning of a cliche. Do you want to fight back and forth or do you want to have a discussion of my views?
Actually YOU decided to argue over this "weighted statement" when you decided that my metaphor didn't quite stand up to the conversation.
Obviously others felt the statement was quite appropriate and agreed with me.
So, as much as you continue to deny over and over in many of your posts that you aren't trying to be smug, I think that is exactly what you are being.
I have no interest in any of your views nor do I care to argue with you. You aren't interesting enough, nor do you have you shared any advice that I would consider helpful.
How's that for smug?
Aaand CiGi has skewed the point of this post and made it about her
OP, good luck, seriously, you're going to need it. I would suggest that your H and you talk to your MIL about her exit strategy so that a few weeks/months don't expand into a year +
I just can't believe what I am reading because this is the way I remember it:
I reply to the OP and these are the responses I get:
"oh god lord"
"CiGiDancer, you're a complete and total pushover if you're a-ok with your H not even consulting you about a major, life-changing decision that will affect your household and your marriage.
Don't be smug about that particular personality attribute. It's not something to be proud of."
"but she loves him" (I think you know the intent of that statement)
So I am sorry if I responded a bit sarcastically after being called a smug pushover. However, I wasn't addressing you but you continue to insult me with your interjection:
"probably, since most people don't let others make life altering decisons that effect them without consulting them first. they certainly don't bend over for them and say give me more, thank you, you are wonderful honey."
I replied to you saying that I didn't consider the scenario to be "life altering" and that is when you began arguing semantics with me. Case in point, your next reply:
"Your life is altered when another individual invades your space..."
You back me into a corner and I am not allowed to defend my statement? Clearly, I wasn't referring to my literal day to day activities but rather to the atrocity the statement implies.
And though I could be the bigger person and not mention this, I really don't have any more desire to be civil, so, that metaphor I was alluding to was not your use of "life altering", which isn't even a metaphor, but your crude reference to me bending over and taking it in the ass by my husband (or whatever it was you meant to imply).
I guess this is where I bow out. I am really embarrassed how my involvement in this thread ended...
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
CiGi, you've come across as smug and condescending in more than one thread and have seemed deliberately obtuse in other moments. Might I suggest you reflect upon your communication strategies and modify as necessary?
OP, if MH told me *anyone* were moving in with us, without there having been conversations and agreement first, he'd be lucky to still be here when they arrived. I can't imagine him doing this because he respects me as an equal partner in our relationship. That is, I think, the crux of your issue.
My MIL came to live with us while she was dying. It was honestly the most miserable experience of my life. I really disliked her (she was mentally unstable and had done some really shiity things to her kids in the past) but I knew the situation was only temporary. Her dying wish was to live with her son again (she had been living in an adult foster home, she was deemed unable to care for herself by the state 5 years ago). I couldn't deny her dying wish, I'm not that heartless.
There were, however, several nights that I went and stayed with friends to get away from her. My relationship fell apart, he and I fought constantly over his mother, we were highly stressed... it was miserable.
OP- I suggest a pair of ear plugs and a few bottles of wine.
If my DH came home one day and told me that he had offered our home as a temporary place for his mother to stay while she gets her feet on the ground, I would be ok with it. He would not have to 'clear it through me' first. Unless there were some extenuating circumstances, I cannot for a minute think why I wouldn't let a family member live with us for a bit; and DH would know this. It's not about being a pushover, it's about being open to help if you can.
"Life altering experience"...LOL...we're not talking a near death experience here. It's one more person in the space.
As for the lifestyle issue the OP brings up, also NBD. MIL will obviously pitch in with household chores. MIL doesn't like dirty dishes sitting? There's the gloves, there's the soap: have at 'er.
I just wanted to say thank you for your reply. I feel like I was totally bowled over on this thread for practically nothing. My whole thinking behind it was, if it were the other way around, and my mother needed a place to stay I don't feel like I would have to 'clear it with my husband' before giving her an answer. I want to have the freedom to share my sanctuary with my mother, so why can't my husband with his? I don't think that makes me a pushover, I think that makes me fair. If others disagree, fine, they are only my personal feelings on the matter. So, thanks for not trying to make me feel like a "complete tool" as others put it. :-D
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker
Of COURSE you have to clear it with your partner. Unless you don't live together?
Even if it is only a courtesy, your partner should have an equal say as to what goes on in your SHARED home. That is what is fair.