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DESPERATE for help... there's trouble in paradise...
My husband and I dated for over four years, and have been married for almost 4 months and we are suddenly having problems. After college, he lived with his parents to save money for the future etc. We got engaged in January of 2011, and married in late June of 11. During our engagement, he found out that his company planned to transfer/promote him, so we put off buying a house in his hometown.
He finally got the details on the transfer 3 weeks before the wedding, which left us with little time to plan. We ended up living with his parents for 5 weeks after the wedding while we waited for his start date at his new job. (In ANOTHER STATE!!) I was not thrilled about moving, but I was being supportive because it was a good career move for him, and the fact that I had just graduated from college and did not have a "real" job made it easier for me to move with him. We moved to the new state the first week of August. With such little time to plan, It was impossible for me to find a job here. I am a teacher, and because we moved here so late in the summer, all teaching jobs I am qualified for were filled.
To make matters worse, we are living in a hotel. His company said that they understood that it was a 'sudden' move, and so they have provided us with this lovely (sarcasm) living situation. They have paid for us to live here while we are trying to buy a house, but it has been awful. We know NO ONE in this state. I am alone, and sad 70% of the time. I sit in this hotel all day long, and look at job postings and houses online.
When he comes back to the hotel from work every day he usually has smart comments about how I do nothing all day long, or how I am lazy. He constantly reminds me that I have very little money, and NO job, and therefore have very little say in what kind of house we try to buy and where we live. I already feel so alone because I left my friends and family to move with him to another state, and he makes me feel worse by saying these things. He doesn't understand how lonely it is to sit in a hotel all day and scan the internet for jobs that dont exist, and houses that we cant afford.
He even criticizes me for not cooking much. For GODS sakes, we are living in a hotel room with a tiny kitchenette, with hardly no cooking utensils or pots and pans, and a dishwasher from 1970 that doesnt work!!!! OF COURSE Im not cooking much!!!
I am so alone and lonely. I dont tell my best friends much about whats going on because I dont want them to worry or feel sorry for me. I also dont want everyone knowing that we are already having troubles.
I just feel like this is not how it is supposed to be! I know newlywed life is not perfect, but the stress of living with his parents for 5 weeks, and now living in a hotel in another state away from everyone we know is just too much to handle. I cry alot and I constantly want to give up and go home, but going back home isnt an option because he signed a contract with his company and if he breaks the contract he has to return the bonus they gave him to move here.
WHAT DO I DO??? Im desperate for help.
Re: DESPERATE for help... there's trouble in paradise...
What is it with MEN nowadays!!!!
Take it from me - talk to your friends - talk to a counselor - talk to these guys on this board - just please Talk to people. I held all my emotions in and now it is 5-years later and I'm left licking my wounds and trying to make sense of it all.
Respect is key is any relationship (I wish I realized that earlier in our marriage) and if he doesn't give you that than he is not worth your time.
This is definately not how it's suppose to be! I can't tell you what to do - but I'm sure one of the other posters that come on in the morning will have sound advice.
I'm so sorry you're going thru this, but if he doesn't understand that you two are in a partnership now - 5-years down the road it's only going to get worse.
((((HUGS)))) Best of luck to you!
You're in a less-than-ideal living situation right now; I can definitely relate to that, since my husband (in the military) got transferred to a base literally across the country about a week after our wedding. I can also relate to the feeling of sitting at home all day with no one to talk to and nothing to do (though luckily we were only in a hotel for about a week before we found an apartment).
I can't, however, relate to two things: your attitude towards the situation, and your husband's attitude towards you. People move; you even knew it was coming, even if you didn't know exactly where, and you decided to move with him (as most, though certainly not all, people likely would). It's not the company's fault that you're unhappy; you seem to blame it, or feel that it's treated you unfairly, when that's not really the case.
The more disturbing part of that, though, is your husband. My husband, despite the similar situation, has never treated me that way. While moving was your choice, he needs to understand that it's difficult for you to make the transition, especially since you've been living under your present circumstances for, if I'm reading that right, about two months. I'm hoping that you've explained it to him, that you're having a really hard time finding a job, and that you're upset because you don't know anybody and because sitting alone in a hotel room all day is not enjoyable (at least not in the long-term).
My practical advice would be to (A) find an apartment. You don't have to buy a house; there's nothing wrong with renting an apartment, especially if it gets you out of the hotel faster. (B) Try to meet some new people. I can't tell you how to do that, because that's the part I'm failing at personally, but if you are more capable than I am, it'll benefit you greatly. (C) Tell your husband to stop being such a douche. You're probably not the most fun person to be around right now, with the crying and the loneliness and everything else, but "for better or for worse" encompasses this, and he needs to be a little more sympathetic. If nothing else, telling you constantly that you're lazy and broke and have no say in anything isn't going to solve anything, and it's definitely not the way he should be treating his wife
Also, I just realized something; when you say that he's telling you that you have very little money - is he talking about you as a couple, or is he talking specifically about how you don't have a job? Because if it's the latter he's being even more douche-y; you're married now, and you're partners, and you have just as much money (and say) as he does.
Your husband sounds like a jerk. It should be joint money- not yours and his. Not having a teaching job stinks.(A few of us here are in that situation) Is substituting an option? If your husband's job is paying for housing, can they not at least pay for an efficiency for you two?
You need to talk to someone. Find a friend you can be honest with. I am sure your friends from home want to know what is really going on. Can you get into counseling because you sound depressed? Sit down with your husband and tell him what you need. He needs to stop belittling you. I wouldn't say it is time to give up on your marriage yet. How far is the current state from your home state?
Absolutely do NOT buy a house right now. Find a place to rent.
You rushed into marriage, you really don't need to rush into a huge finanical mistake as well.
I have a hard time believing that suddenly you are now just having problems. This behavior most likely didn't spring out of nowhere.
Please don't generalize all men, just because you both were attracted to d-bags doesn't mean that all men are d-bags.
This is definitely not a problem with men. This is a problem with one specific man.
I know it's a bit late for this, but this is why it's not a good idea to get married right out of school before both partners have started their careers.
I know you can't get a teaching job at the moment, but there's no reason you can't find something else to do until school districts start hiring again. Wait tables or work retail for awhile. That way, you'll be bringing in some money and maybe you can afford to rent an apartment for a bit. I agree that buying a house right now isn't a good idea. Just rent something while you keep saving for your downpayment and get to know the area.
If you can't find paid employment right now, do some volunteer work. That will get you out of the hotel and give you networking opportunities.
As far as your husband goes, all I can say is that you need marriage counseling, at the very least. You're both really young, it sounds like neither of you has ever lived on your own, and your husband's attitude is pretty awful. Sure, you're not completely free of blame here, but the idea that you shouldn't have any say in where you live is disgusting.
This! This! This!
Your H is being a douche. Wtf does he expect you do all day? Clean? Keep up the job search, and take something you can live with. Subbing maybe? That way you can have a little independence. And marriage counseling for you both.
For reals. I was in an almost identical situation, except that my husband treated me like a partner and with respect.
OP, your husband is an ass. Has he always treated you like his child? Do you ever talk to him about how difficult it is to be unemployed? Also, have you done anything to end your pity party? While your husband is being a selfish, childish prlck, it sounds like you're not doing much either (hear me out on this one). When I was unemployed, in a temp rental, in a state 2500 miles from the last state I'd lived in and 7 hours from home (on, and we were sharing a car, which my H took to work), I did the following: I looked for jobs every day. I took classes at the nearby university for fun (I rode my bike 7 miles each way to get there and back). I took up running. I met people via the Nest and other online groups with similar interests. I volunteered. I made the home my job (both house hunting and homemaking...cooking, cleaning, etc). I got to know the new city by biking and walking around. Etc. Sure, I felt sorry for myself sometimes, but I didn't have time for that during the times I was keeping busy. It sounds like you need to take the reins and make your own happiness.
You also need a come to Jesus talk with your H. Just because you don't have a job doesn't mean you have no money. My H and I have always kept separate bank accounts, but I still think of the money in my accounts as "ours," and not "mine." And why does he not care about whether you like the house you plan to buy? WTF is the matter in his head? I think that his insensitivity is a much bigger problem than your unhappiness. There is no reason for him to treat you the way he is, and it is not OK. It needs to stop, or you need to leave.
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In all honesty, you need to take some ownership of what is happening. The fact that you are just sitting around all day in your room going over the internet isn't the solution. You should be out on a daily basis looking around areas, getting familiar with neighborhoods. Do you both have cars or can you drive him to and from work and use his? You need to get out of that room and get to work. All jobs are not posted on the internet, drive around the areas and look for jobs in retail or waitressing. Do something! I find it BS that you are spending 8 hours a day looking for houses and jobs online.
As for cooking, your sitting around all day, is there really a reason you couldn't go pick up a few cheap pots at target and do some food shopping? I have stayed in those efficiency hotels and they are not that impossible to deal with. Plus, won't you need those dishes/pots/utensils once you have an apt or house?
Also, I would ditch the house buying idea for now and focus on a short term rental. This will give you a chance to get used to the area and figure out where you really want to live.
His reaction sounds pretty harsh and a bit douchy, but it also sounds like you sit around in a pity party and he is tired of hearing it.
Ditto this. And I'll underline and bold the part about not buying a house. Don't make your situation worse - find yourselves an apartment to rent. Find a way for you to occupy your time, even if you're not getting paid. Not only will it make you feel better, but you'll be networking at the same time.
Exactly. OP, this isn't a "men" problem. This is a problem with YOUR husband being an azz. Has he always treated you this way?
This.
THIS!!!!!!
(((HUGS))) to you, and Good Luck! Please talk to someone, and us! I would also like to second a PP's post to look into substituting! Good Luck!
Your husband is being a jacka$$. You get no say in where you live or what kind of house because you're not making any money? Bullsh!t. You're married. You both get a say in what happens to the money and where you live, etc. Would he not get a say with anything child-related because you're the one who creates the kid? I doubt it. Marriage is not always 50/50 in every aspect. It's a union, with each party bringing his/her contributions.
First off, do NOT buy a house. You need to find a place to rent, even if it's a shorter term rental. It doesn't sound like you're financially ready to buy a house, since only one of you is employed. It also sounds like you may not get what you want out of a house, and that you have different ideas about what you want in a house. Living together in an apartment can highlight some of these desires, especially when you're new to the area (for example, rent an apartment in a neighborhood you like or would consider buying...maybe you'll see the pros and cons of living there permanently. Maybe after renting there, you don't like it).
Once you find a place to rent, you need to find something to occupy your time, whether it's a part time job, volunteer work, whatever. Any job will help, even one at Starbucks or Target. You'll bring in money, make friends and get out of the house. If you financially don't need to work, you can volunteer instead and network/meet friends that way.
Are you religious at all? Joining a church is a great way to meet new people and make friends.
Do you have any interests you'd like to pursue? Taking classes at local college, career school, etc. may pad your resume and help you meet people (for example, a CPR class, etc--something that may help you get a job as a teacher).
Does the state require a Masters for teaching? Is that why all the jobs you were "qualified" for were filled? If you need a Masters to get a permanent job, there's no time like the present to get it.
Have you contacted all the local schools about substitute teaching? Is there some kind of list you can be added to? It seems like creating a good relationship with potential employers, and being someone they can call in a crisis would be a great thing.
Do you have any athletic interests/talents? Many cities have club athletics that always need coaches or assistant coaches, and many schools hire on desirable coaches at faculty members or teachers.
You need to take control of your life, rather than just sitting in a hotel room all day feeling sorry for yourself. And maybe once you take control of your life, you'll be in a better position to determine whether or not there's a place in your life for your husband.
I've been in this situation. I lived in a hotel in a foreign country for six months due to H's job. The only difference is that my husband never told me that I had no money because I didn't have a job. Yeah. If I had no money, it meant that we had no money. (FTR, we do keep separate accts, but our money is still our money.)
Put yourself on substitute teaching lists.
Explore your new city. Take lots of walks.
Do all the touristy stuff that you won't have time for later.
Find somewhere to volunteer-- it's a good way to meet people.
Take a class- language, pottery, whatever. Something just for fun.
Talk to your friends. If they are real friends, they love you. They want to be able to pick you up when you are feeling down. Maybe someone can come visit?
All of this is, of course, ignoring the fact that you have a major problem in your marriage. Your husband has some odd misconceptions about what it means to be in a partnership. It sounds like both of you came into this with different expectations of what 'marriage' means. If you want to try and work on this, get some counseling to help you discuss these things. Otherwise, screw it. Ask for an annulment and go home.
And, for goodness sakes, quit talking about ANOTHER STATE like you've been shipped off to Timbuktu. Your days are under your control. Find some motivation to get out there and do stuff.
P.S. You do know that you (or he) can use the sink to wash dishes, right? People washed plates long before dishwashers existed.
There is a gaggle of morons currently spewing their idiocy in this post. "Your H is being a bit of a jerk... but you're the issue" Um, she may be throwing a pity party, but so would I if I realized I was married to a major dovcher who said I have no say in where I live and belittled my contributions when I gave up my own career for his.
You people are jacked in the head.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I agree with this completely.
She doesn't have a career, and from what she's posted, she's not making any contributions (and I'm not talking about money here).
She can only control her own actions, and sitting around in a hotel room all day long surfing the net is a recipe for disaster, newlywed or not.
Yeah, address the husband and his perceptions, but from the information given, the OP is the bigger part of the problem. And the OP can fix most of that.
I do think her H is acting like a bit of an immature jackhole (though I think he's par for the course since I'm assuming they're both young due to the whole 'just graduated from college' thing). But I don't think OP is helping matters by sitting in the apartment all day like a sad sack. I personally don't have a lot of patience for the woe is me, I just mooooved nonsense though.
You both sound like children and I have to wonder if some her complaints aren't about perception as well as the petty bickering that comes from living in a tiny ass efficiency motel room that's barely good enough for a week.
And we all know I'm rather domesticated despite being an epic heifer so go ahead and side eye me for asking why in the hell if you've been home all day surfing the internet your ass hasn't at least figured out something for dinner? IDK, something about that whole mess suggests that you are moping around the place instead of looking for solutions.
He's not doing any better though thinking that just because he brings home a paycheck, that's all he needs to do.
You both suck. YWIA!
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Yes, her husband is a douche, no question about it. BUUUT, she can only control her own actions. She never had a job and there's no guarantee she would have had one had she stayed in her comfort zone. She is the one making her days so miserable. She doesn't leave a hotel room all day!!! Even with a jackass H, she can still do something for herself every day. There is no reason her entire existence needs to be miserable.
And for god's sake, rent something already. It's not that hard.
I will admit my sympathy meter is really fuuking low due to a lifetime of military moves on short notice to strange places.
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Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
When we lived in our nasty hotel room, I went to the grocery store every day. It gave me something to do and allowed me to practice my language skills. I looked at dinner as my job. He paid for it. I made it. Teamwork.
Oh I agree wholeheartedly. And I'm not giving dude a pass for that. But have you ever lived in a tiny motel room without a good reason like being on vacation?
I'm pretty sure I once accused my husband of being the reincarnation of Mengele. I also distinctly remember screaming at my mother and getting my ass beat in return, something I never would have braved had I my own room to stalk off too.
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OP- What kind of conversations did you have before marriage? Did you talk about what you expected from each other? Your roles? How finances would be handled? How decisions would be made? etc. etc.
It is the completely wrong way to do it and very immature, but perhaps it is his passive agressive way of saying "start working honey, because when you do we will have more options".
If they are fresh out of college they are what, 21, 22 years old?
Too young any way you cut it.