Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Newly wedded to family that can't let go (LONG RANT)
The one thought that kept cropping into my mind while I was reading this is the phrase, "You teach people how to treat you." You have "taught" these ILs that their behavior (rudeness included) is acceptable and that you'll put up with it. You have taught them that they can do what they want, say what they want and you'll be fine with it and accept it. Problem is, you're not.
So be honest. Yeah, it'll be hard, and yes, it might hurt, but it's honest and it's what you want. This will only continue on and in time, get worse, if you don't say what you think and feel. I'm not saying you have to be rude about it, but I am saying to be straightfoward. Set up boundaries (get your H to help - I'm also sensing that this is, at the very least, a bit of a DH problem as well) and enforce them. There will be friction as they're learning, but in time, it'll be worth it.
It will get worse if you have children before these matters are taken care of and they won't magically disappear. I hope you have a great therapist. You seem to want to defend your ILs at the same time you want to crucify them. Make up your mind, set your boundaries, find your voice, and get your DH to help.
Please, don't bring children in to this mess. Unless you want your ILs to have a say in how they are brought up like they do with BILs.
My heart goes out to you because you have been dealing with a lot. I think I would be a basket case too with a family breaking up and the sale of my childhood home (memories are there, and it's a terribly emotional thing for it to be sold). Moving itself is stressful. I think you can get through this with communication with your husband and some new ways of dealing with the family.
About the dog--someone has to do something. This is so cruel. Please tell me that your husband is going to be sure that this dog is treated well.
I have been through some of what your're going through. My parents divorced and my childhood home was sold to. I'm in my 30's and it was really hard for me! It doesn't make you less of an adult as a PP said, it is hard to not have that home to go back to. My parents divorce was really tough, so I understand that. Make sure you talk to your counselor about it.
In regards to your IL's, mine were kind of the same way. I built up resentment over time because I wanted to be polite/not step on toes/interfere with their family dynamics etc., so I didn't say some things that I should have. After my DH and I got married, I started speaking up and all my resentment went away.
I was like you- I started focusing on all the tiny, small things that really don't matter. If you want a successful relationship with your ILs, telling them politely when your not comfortable with something is necessary in your case.
This is exactly what I was going to say.
Is your DH aware of how much this bothers you? We have a similar, but not nearly as bad, situation with my ILs. I stewed over a lot of things during our engagement regarding some of their behavior and found myself venting to everyone but the person who I most needed on my side. Once I sat down with DH and talked it out with him, he was 100% on my side. It wasn't that he was condoning his parents' behavior before, but he would just tune it out when they got crazy and not think about it again. Once he saw that I was really annoyed/hurt over some things he got on my side pretty quick and put his foot down more than once with MIL especially.
My ILs also like to do family things on holidays. I made my DH PROMISE me that we would always spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning together without any other family. My parents raised me on Christmas being a family holiday and we spent every Christmas Eve and morning together save for one when my grandfather was very ill and my grandmother asked us to all come for one last Christmas day with him. They have always extended the invite to us to come for family holidays but have never set expectations for us or "told" us to be there. MIL, on the other hand, is dead set on us flying down to see them for Christmas Eve. Not. Happening. DH just puts his foot down every time and politely reminds her that we won't be there for Christmas but would be happy to visit on another holiday or weekend.
Get your DH on board with you. If he is anything like mine, he probably doesn't even realize how much this is bothering you or how much you need his support.