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I actually have TIP to post. Warning: Long one.
Hi, Frequent lurker, infrequent poster. Some background info on my TIP. I'm married to an only child. His mom passed away March 2010, so his only immediate family is his dad. Both my parents are fortunately still alive and live a state away and I have two brothers.
The problem is holidays. In the past we have spent T-giving with my FIL and husbands extended family in his hometown. Then Christmas with my family. This was never a problem.
The issues started earlier this year. Mothers Day came around which also happens to be my mom's birthday and my grandmothers birthday. I wanted to go home to see my mom and grandma, as we were also celebrating Grandma's 95th...My husband threw a fit saying my place was home with him and the kids and Mothers Day is for 'immediate family'. His idea was that if I wanted to see my mom, my mom could travel to see us. I reminded him that my mom has a mother who is still alive and two other kids she would want to be with who live near her. I'm close to my mom and this really hurt me, especially because she doesnt live right around the corner. I can't just see her anytime I want.
My FIL was able to come for Fathers Day, that wasnt a problem of course. Now we just had our 3rd baby, and travel will be tough for the holidays. My husband went ahead and already invited my FIL for Thanksgiving and Christmas. When I tried to talk to my husband and tell him Christmas wasn't ruled out entirely as far as travelling to my parents. He said that his father would have to be invited by my parents if we were going to travel there for Christmas. My parents house is not big and its difficult enough when my husband and I were there with 2 kids. Now there are 3 kids, my husband and myself AND my FIL. Not only that I feel that I should be allowed a holiday with JUST my family. My FIL has been with us every holiday this year, and he does have a sister who he normally spends Christmas with anyway.
Well the problem is my husband is being a $%@#$^ and says that if my family wont invite his dad this year or any other year then none of us will go again. My response to that was my family is not obligated to invite his dad. If they dont want to invite him, why should my husband take it out on me. As for mothers day which was discussed also. I can go see my mom, but I have to leave the kids with my husband. I almost cant believe this as I'm writing it, what a jerk he is. This has been becoming a pattern that is getting worse. Think I know what needs to be done....just need to hear some backup.
Re: I actually have TIP to post. Warning: Long one.
I can understand the Mother's day thing. He probably wanted to do something as just a family, without all the extended people.
I'm sure he just feels badly about his dad being all alone around the holidays. Maybe you could host something with your parents and him so there is level ground.
I think I have to side with your husband on this one.
I don't really get the mother's day hoopla (as described in this post and in general). It's just Mother's Day. It could be any time or day. (and yes, I'm a mother myself).
As for Christmas, your husband obviously doesn't want his widowed father to be away from his child and grandchild. I don't think you can say that your FIL 'normally' spends Christmas with his sister as he's only had one Christmas as a widower. And maybe he found that Christmas sad or miserable. Who knows?
At your age, and with three kids in tow, I am surprised you still feel the need to go and stay with 'your family' at Christmas. Perhaps it is time to start staying put and have people come to you.
IDK, but I think you are being insensitive to your H's needs even if he is articulating them poorly.
ETA: perhaps your husband is sensitive about mother's day because he no longer has a mother.
I agree with Motzie, it sounds like you're both being jerks. He's obviously not handling it well, but I can understand his point of view on mother's day--it sounds like you wanted to take the kids and go spend time with your mother and grandmother, meanwhile he's left out of any part of the celebration since he can't celebrate with you or with his mother. And with the holidays, maybe he feels guilty excluding his dad.
In any case, neither of you are able to talk about this rationally. His little "declarations" are ridiculous, but you seem rather unwilling to compromise as well. Is he in therapy? Have you considered counseling?
I think for Mother's Day, the mother gets to pick what to do, where to go, who to see, etc. (And on Father's Day, the father gets to pick what to do, etc)
However, this Christmas thing is a little over the top. My dad was an only child and his father died the year before my parents got married. His mother was invited to Christmas and Thanksgiving at my mother's parents' house from then on.
Seriously, it's one more person. Unless he's a gigantic jerk, I don't see why your parents wouldn't invite him.
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
I would feel horrible if I knew my FIL was sitting at home alone during the holidays while I was out celebrating. You need to include him.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You are for sure the jerk. I really hope you reconsider and try to stop being so selfish.
We're kind of going out.
Seriously. I've had both of my sister's in-laws for various Thanksgiving/Christmas functions because they didn't have anywhere else to go. There is always an extra chair and an extra piece of pie at my house.
Do your parent know he'll have nowhere to go and aren't inviting him?
I'm going to go against the flow. I think maybe on Mother's Day, he was missing his mom. But, it seems odd that he would go against what you wanted. There are plenty of people who go home for Mother's Day. I think you need to talk this out when emotions aren't running so high.
I think that you need to just stop with the Christmas/Thanksgiving issue. How far away are your parents? Has your DH even talked to his dad about this? Maybe his dad wants to go see his sister, maybe he doesn't yet. I think that its a little nuts to say "Because my dad is alone, our kids absolutely do not get to spend a holiday without him ever again." I think that it is still special to go traveling to Grandma's on Christmas or Thanksgiving.
Have you talked to your parents about this? My parents would open their home to one of my IL's in a heartbeat, especially if there was no where else to go.
I think that you are both being a bit immature here. I understand where each of you are coming from, but I think that you are both being stubborn and bullheaded about this.
But thanks for reinforcing that I do not want DS to be an only child.
You're definitely in the wrong on this one as far as Christmas. You should ask your parents if your FIL can come, what's the big deal, it's one extra person.
Try to be more empathatic and put yourself in your husband and FIL's shoes.
I'm going to agree that you need to learn to compromise. And I hate traveling with one kid, much less 3. It's also possible that your H (while communicating badly) thinks it's too much to take 3 kids to stay at your parents tiny house, and is using his Dad as an excuse not to have to.
As for the "only with my family" thing, it's crap. Heck, we've got some new neighbors who have no family local and no ability to go home to their family coming to Christmas at our house. I think you're missing the point of the season.
First, You need to cut him some slack, it hasn't been all that long since he lost his Mom. The first round of holidays and birthdays are always hard after you lose someone.
Second, you two need to have a calm discussion about this before it turns really ugly.
Third, I would feel beyond guilty if I knew my FIL was going to wake up on Christmas morning alone. (FWIW, when my uncle's dad died, we started inviting his Mom and brother to our family holiday events--they were happily included and absorbed into everything, it's even more important since my uncle's mother died--his brother has no one else to spend the holidays with).
I'm an only child and I just lost my mother this past March. Mother's Day sucks. You are constantly reminded that you don't have a mom. Your husband may not have handled the situation well, but I can understand why he may be touchy about it.
My stepfather is struggling with the loss of his wife(my mom). I would never leave him alone on the holidays. Your FIL may have a sister, but it sounds like he wants to be with his son. Are you really suggesting that your parent's house can't fit one more person? I mean, how much room does a baby take up?
You said that you are very close to your mom, so why don't you put yourself in your husband's and his father's shoes.
I can't believe you are okay with having FIL be alone when he is new to being a widower. Why does your extended family get the exclusive on your time? I would even go so far as including FIL's sister if she would be alone if he went with your family. I need a lot more than this to be convinced you DH is an asshat.
I think your DH was wrong about Mother's Day, although it was probably because it was reminding him too much about his Mom being gone. You should have been allowed to go see your Mom and Grandmother.
But you are for sure wrong about wanting to exclude your FIL from the Christmas holidays. If your family can't accomodate all of you, you need to start having people travel to you.
Is there a reason you can't invite everyone to your house for Christmas?
I think the easiest way for me to give an opinion is to relate my personal experience: DH is an only child, his Mom is single, I have one sibling who is not married and my Mom recently passed away. His family is an 8 hr drive, mine is a 3 hr drive. Thanksgiving we have at my Dad's and we invite MIL. Christmas we split: Christmas eve at one house, day of and a few days after at the other house.
I will always feel protective of my Dad when it comes to the holidays, there will always be a huge empty hole on the holidays where my Mom should be. But I feel like that extends to his Mom as well; as much as it would break my heart for my Dad to be alone, it would also break my heart for MIL to be alone. We do not have kids and this will change somewhat (asking people to come to us more) when we do. BUT the point is that we treat both sets of parents as equally deserving of our time and we put more of a burden on ourselves to accommodate holiday schedules b.c. we're the ones who want to be able to see both.
It sounds like both of you are elevating your biological family over the other person's biological family and expecting the other person to go along with it. It was unreasonable for him to invite his Dad for both holidays without considering you would want to see your family. It it inconsiderate of you to expect to drop everything every time you want to go be with your family. It is perfectly reasonable to combine holidays (and probably would be the most fun for your kids). Ultimatums are not reasonable on anyone's part.
Example of a reasonable compromise: Your parents invite FIL and you, your kids and FIL can all stay at the same hotel so the house is not crowded or uncomfortable. That way you visit your family, FIl gets to come, everyone is comfortable. Maybe a few times a year your parents can come to you. Maybe you can host some family holidays. And also, realize that not every holiday needs to be celebrated ON the holiday. Christmas can be day after or day before, the important part is being with family.
I love that my ILs and my family are so cool that my family usually does Thanksgiving WITH my ILs. I hate this "only my family" idea.
But I disagree with a lot of people on the Mother's Day thing. The mom should be able to pick what she wants to do on the day that celebrates her.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I'm not an only child and my dad died 3 1/2 years ago. Holidays are so hard for my mom. I'd have a real problem leaving her alone on holidays, and she even has other children to see. My ILs are more than welcoming of my mom, and that has been so wonderful.
You need to cut your husband some slack.
Ditto this.
And really, you're married with three children of your own. Isn't it time to set your own traditions anyway? Make your own holiday meal and invite people over.
As a kid, I hated being dragged from house to house to house on every holiday... especially Christmas. I just wanted to sit at home all day and play with my new stuff and maybe run next door to my BFFs house and compare loot. But that never happened. Instead, I started at my mom's house, then went to my mom's family shindig, then my dad picked me up and we went to his parent's house, then to my dad's house, then back to my mom's for every.single.holiday. It sucked.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
H and I decided early on that once we have a child, we're hanging at home on the holidays. I want DS to be able to sit in his pjs, play with his new toys and watch cheesy movies all day. We're making a full dinner on Thanksgiving and Christmas and everyone is welcome... but we're not going anywhere.
H's mom is pissed, but she'll get over it. Apparently she didn't think we were serious when we said that last year was the end of 3+ meals in one day for us.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Do you do this all in one day?
Add me to the list of people who don't see why FIL can't be invited to your parents' house, or why you can't host Christmas this year. Even if houses won't accommodate everyone, that's why hotels exist.
I grew up in a "more-the-merrier" household, mainly because my family was very small. Both of my parents are only children, and so they are the ones who always hosted the parents and sometimes their friends who were caught in the same situation as your FIL - recent widow/widower whose ILs couldn't be bothered to include them.
And, no, you don't deserve a holiday with just "your" family. Your FIL is your family now too, through marriage.
Sorry, lurker here but felt the need to comment. Your comment here really struck me wrong.
I reminded him that my mom has a mother who is still alive and two other kids she would want to be with who live near her. I'm close to my mom and this really hurt me, especially because she doesnt live right around the corner. I can't just see her anytime I want.
If I'm reading your post right, this seems like a really insensitive thing to say to your husband. This was his very first Mothers Day since his Mom passed away, right? It seems like you're shoving it in his face that not only is your Mom still alive, but so is your Grandmother. So while he may have really hurt you, think about how much that comment probably hurt HIM. I have to side with your DH on this one. You should have been supportive and considered what he was going through on that day and I don't get that anywhere from your post. He probably just wanted to have a day at home with your family, and not be reminded of his loss. I also agree there is nothing wrong with the day behind about "your" family. And by that I mean you, your husband and your kids. You're married now, you're immediate family is no longer your parents. My husband and I already discussed that now we have our first child on the way, Mothers & Fathers Day will be very different. We will be celebrating with our little family, and while we will do something nice for our parents, our family will take priority as far as celebrating.
In regards to Christmas, I think you're both wrong. You need to learn to compromise and it seems you both are stomping your feet and demanding your own way. I don't believe you're family needs to invite his father. But your DH is also is just trying to be sensitive and help his father through a difficult holiday instead of being alone and thinking about the loss of his wife. Cut him some slack here. I agree with a PP, why do you need to go to your parents? You have three kids now! Time to start making traditions in your own home. I would hate as a kid to not have Christmas morning in my own house. Waking up in your house, running downstairs to your own Christmas tree is something every kid should get to experience, JMO. Why not move Christmas to your house and invite your family and his father? I always have the opinion, the more the merrier and it sounds like a good time for a change.
Yes and it sucked. We went to my mom's side, my dad's side, and H's brother. I'm going to do Christmas Eve with my dad this year hopefully even if it means not seeing the rest of my dad's side.
Yeah, our house is small too. We're aiming for more "open house" style. My great-grandma used to do that and it worked out well. She made the food early in the morning or the day before and told everyone to come over any time. We'd just get food out and eat it cold or heat it up.
Her house is pretty big... it's a duplex that's been turned into one house, sort of. It's a really cool house. They just took down the dividing wall, so it has two stairwells, two full kitchens, two dining rooms, three living rooms, etc. It's a fun house for kids to investigate. I used to get lost in there all the time.
Even with all that room, there still wasn't enough room for everyone to sit down together. There was always at least 30 people packed into that house. We had to do the open-house, cook in advance thing.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general