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10 Things Not to Say to your Childless Friends
http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/parenting/10-things-not-to-say-to-your-childfree-friends-2595394/
Parenting can
have a huge impact on friendships. But you can maintain your bond
-- with some insight into the
childfree point of view.
By Jillian Mackenzie
My boyfriend and I don't know yet if we're going to have
children -- but over the last few years, the majority of our
friends have taken the plunge. During that time, I've learned a
few things about
how to keep friendships strong when you don't have
parenthood in common. Here are 10 things not to say to your friends
who don't have children.
1. "When will you finally have
kids?"
Once you have offspring, you want your friends to share the
experience. But please don't loudly ask this question across
the table at
Thanksgiving dinner or at a baby shower. Although many
people are happy to be childfree or waiting, the situation may be
more complicated. A friend could be facing infertility,
in the agonizing position of having a spouse who doesn't want
children, or otherwise in a complex struggle over the issue. Bring
it up privately with close friends, or wait for them to share with
you.
2. "We always wanted to have a
family."
If you use the expression "have a family" to mean
"have children," you inadvertently send a message that
people without kids are... family-less.
Family comes in many forms: significant others, parents,
siblings, nieces, nephews, cousins, neighbors -- happily, the list
goes on!
3. "I only invited other parents."
Having children is the norm, and people who are childfree can
sometimes feel isolated or excluded. So invite us to
birthday parties! Sure, there are some people who just
don't like kids and have no desire to spend an afternoon
surrounded by them. They can decline the invitation, and the rest
of us will cheer when the birthday boy takes his first bite of
cupcake.
4. "Are you hung-over?"
If you had kids when you were on the younger side, you may have
transitioned abruptly from staying out bar-hopping to
night feedings and Yo Gabba Gabba -- and years later,
you may assume that we're still acting like our crazy
twentysomething selves. But just because we don't have kids
doesn't mean we aren't growing up.
5. "You're so lucky you get to sleep
in/shop/travel."
We understand that you give up a lot to be the
amazing parent you are -- and we do appreciate our extra cash
and free time, and god, yes, the sleep. But too many offhand
comments like this make us feel like you assume the reason we
don't have children is that we're lazy, selfish, or
shallow. The decision is never that simple.
6. "This must be birth control for
you."
Parents often make this joke when their kid is being loud or
persistent, and we understand it's because you're worried
the situation is bugging the hell out of everyone around you.
Don't stress -- a good friend understands that your kid is
going to
have a meltdown once in a while. We can take it. And, of
course, a crying toddler is not actually a tipping point in our
decision to have kids. We're not that shortsighted.
7. "Your dog/cat/parakeet is your
baby."
Pets are a huge part of many people's lives, whether or not
those people have children. But it feels like a consolation prize
when you put it like this. That said, ask about my cat; I'm
happy to pull up my latest photo of her adorableness.
8. "I can't die; I'm a mom."
During a recent brief terrorism scare in New York City, a friend
said to me, "I have to get out --
I can't die; I'm a mom." We know you have someone
depending on you in an unprecedented way, but there are people who
love and depend on us, too.
9. "I'm sorry it's taken forever for me to
call/email/text you back."
Don't start every correspondence with an apology. Your life is
insane and letting us know you want to make time for us is
appreciated. But
don't stress so much: My life is busy too, and more often
than not, I didn't even notice a lag.
10. "You wouldn't understand."
We know there are many things about parenting you will turn to your
mom friends to talk about. And, honestly, with anyone other than a
close friend, that's probably best -- I lose interest fast when
someone I don't know well talks too much about their kids. But
when
we're real friends, don't let our relationship fade
because you're afraid of boring us with parenting stuff. Just
like we used to listen to you talk about your ex, we want to hear
about what's important in your life now. And we hope you'll
do the same for us.
Re: 10 Things Not to Say to your Childless Friends
a big fat YES to 5 and 10
5. The clerk of the courtroom I'm working in does this. I have a nice reusable coffee cup or nicer shoes, or whatever it is and she's all "you can tell YOU don't have kids". uh, yeaaahhhh....
10. I hear this from my brother and cousin all.the.time. allthetime. It makes me FURIOUS.
You know how we do
Since most of the regulars on this board seem to be having children or already do, I thought you might want a lurkers opinion.
As a person that has chosen not to have children the only one that bothers me is number 1 if they know I have already made the choice to not have kids. As a person period number 8 bothers me. Really, who says that?
On my list of things I don't want to hear:
1. "You would make great parents". Ummm.... I don't like kids, and I am pretty sure I would make a sucky parent based on every contact I have ever had with a child since I was 13.
2. "Your kids would be so smart" (I'm an engineer, my husband is a physicist). So I should have kids on the off chance that they might be some super genius? Beautiful people have ugly kids all the time. End of story.
3. "Having kids is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me". Good for you. Spending three weeks in Africa is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. And I plan on doing trips like that for the rest of my life.
My thoughts:
1. "When will you finally have kids?"
Awful. Shut up already, MIL.
2. "We always wanted to have a family."
I do consider H and I a family, but I understand the different semantics of that word so it doesn't offend me.
3. "I only invited other parents."
It depends. Random playdates? No, I don't want to be invited. A birthday party for a friend's kid? I'd love to be there. Thankfully my friends aren't douches when it comes to this.
4. "Are you hung-over?"
No one has ever asked me this unless they were out with me the night before.
5. "You're so lucky you get to sleep in/shop/travel."
This doesn't offend me. It makes me happy, actually.
6. "This must be birth control for you."
This joke is kind of trite but it doesn't offend me. Sometimes it's true.
7. "Your dog/cat/parakeet is your baby."
I don't have pets, so N/A.
8. "I can't die; I'm a mom."
Incredibly offensive. People say this shits?
9. "I'm sorry it's taken forever for me to call/email/text you back."
I say this sometimes and I don't have kids, so can't say I'm offended.
10. "You wouldn't understand."
They are probably right, but this would still depend on what exactly they think I wouldn't understand.
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home DI think "you wouldn't understand" is an obnoxious thing to say to anyone, period, regardless of whether you're referring to children or anything else.
Well, unless you're trying to, say, talk to your husband about how much menstrual cramps suck, in which case "you wouldn't understand" is probably appropriate.
Hell, I'd much rather be around my animal than any of the kids I'm around in a day.
(Sorry, but you sound like a dipshi- with a comment like that out of the blue.)
Eh, nevermind.
JulieFe I definately agree with your assessment, definately a dipshi
Some people's children are my birth control.
Thanks for the backup; I just felt it was very condescending. Yeah, I'm just lesser loving an animal.
woops... didn't read the responses before replying. Wasn't directed at you... you aren't lesser because you love an animal. But it still isn't the same. It's like someone asking... are you married, and me saying no, but I have a brother. Sure I can love my brother but it's not the same as being married.
1. "When will you finally have kids?"
Yeah, that pisses me off. Thankfully, no one has really ever said it to me
in the agonizing position of having a spouse who doesn't want children,
This is as obnoxious as the first point. Sometimes both spouses don't want children. It's obnoxious to ask, not just b/c people can't, but b/c you come across as claiming our decision is incorrect.
2. "We always wanted to have a family."
Good for you. I have one with H (and my parents and my friends and my dog)
3. "I only invited other parents."
Cool, thanks. I really don't want to be at a kiddie party. I will, however, be irritated if it's a family event, and I'm excluded b/c you don't think I have a familiy.
4. "Are you hung-over?"
Yeah I probably am. Why so jealouse? I'm not always hungover, but I do enjoy drinking a bottle of wine (or a shared one) at night on occasion.
5. "You're so lucky you get to sleep in/shop/travel."
No, I don't shitty friends. So, yes, I'm lucky. I like sleep. I love travel. My friends don't think I'm shallow b/c of this, but thanks for teaching me that what they really mean when they say they're jealous of my latest trip is that they're judging me.
6. "This must be birth control for you."
Yes it is. Thank you.
7. "Your dog/cat/parakeet is your baby."
Once again, yes. So?
8. "I can't die; I'm a mom."
I can't imagine anyone saying this b/c I don't hang out with azzholes.
9. "I'm sorry it's taken forever for me to call/email/text you back."
Meh, this one depends. The childfree have lives too, so I'm offended if you think your life is the only one that can be busy. But, if you're just apologetic, why would I be offended?
10. "You wouldn't understand."
I couldn't possibly understand anything concerning kids. I've never dealt with being tired and busy, and I've never dealt with a rough patch in my marriage. You're right. Yeah, this is the biggest offensive one on here.
Seriously?? You might be overthinking this JUST a bit. And I say that as a parent with annoying relatives who refer to the dog as their baby (and their parents talk about the "granddog").
No prob. I have a tendency to be a little bit of a jerk when I read things a certain way. Sometimes my reading comprehension bites, which is ironic considering I teach it.
I'm ok with you now, but my baby in my avatar isn't. Heehee.
really? you can't see how someone saying that to someone who is trying hard to have kids would be offensive? Like I wouldn't trade my childfree status for a million sleepless nights? Maybe I'm just over thinking it, or am just too sensitive. It's possible.
You know how we do
I agree. As long as someone isn't saying "you're so lucky you don't have kids, you get to sleep in, etc" and you don't harp on it all the time, I don't see a big issue here.
I've had so many friends go through IF issues that I *think* I'm pretty sensitive about what I say about kids/babies around people who don't have kids. And I'm always bewildered by what they tell me that people say to them.
For instance, one good friend of mine who got pregnant through IVF has a super religious SIL who is against IF treatment. She (the SIL) asked her how she was supposed to explain to her kids where her nephew came from since he was conceived "unnaturally". People can be such aholes.
!!!!IT'S A DOG, NOT A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
just kidding
I think this whole 10 list is dumb.
What you should/shouldn't say to someone who is childless totally depends on:
1) whether or not they are trying to have kids
2) whether or not they ever want to have kids
3) what their interests are, period.
For example, one of my single, childless BFFs had to flat out say she'd like to be invited to the kid birthday parties because heck, it's the only time she'd get to see all the friends in one place at one time. Now, she isn't single by choice (would like to be married) but she never plans to have kids. Yet she enjoys seeing her friends' kids and knowing she can leave them at their own house and go home to her wine and R rated movie whenever she wants (3 p.m. when kids are awake, midnight when everyone in a house with kids hopes to be asleep, etc.).
The sleeping in bit - my single friend who never wants kids IS lucky to get to sleep in and she relishes it and would never trade my waking up at all hours of the night with my kid for random reasons. My other friend who has gone through I-don't-know-how-many fertility treatments would trade all her hours of shut eye for my sleepless nights if it meant she was a mommy. And her cat is her baby but she knows full well it isn't a substitute for a human child because she WANTS a human child. Now.
And my friends who aren't ready for kids now but want them some day just want people to butt out - they don't want to go to kids parties - they will do that some day. They do have pets and those pets ARE their babies. And they want you to treat them as such and recognize that these are the creatures they shower their love upon and they hope you love them too. And I do call them their babies because once upon a time ago I had a puppy who I loved in so many of the same ways I love my daughter. Not the same, but an intense deep love for that beloved pet.
As for the "I can't die." I hope that is a unity horse. I think the only time that could be stretched into appropriate is when I was asked if I would skydive any time soon (did it when I was 21) I said I'd want to wait until M was grown because I couldn't do something so risky because in the event that I died doing it I would hate that she was left without a mom because I was thrill seeking. Doesn't mean anyone else is expendable, but I feel for me personally I'm less expendable than I was at 21 when I didn't have a child and husband depending on me. Not that I wouldn't be missed then, but the relative risks were a lot smaller then.
- Paula Deen to 104.1 KRBE's Producer Eric 9/17/2011
- Paula Deen to 104.1 KRBE's Producer Eric 9/17/2011
Also, my cats wake me up every night. Every.night. Either they run over us, want to get under the blankets, knock something over, or shriek at the bedroom door. The only uninterrupted sleep I've had for 3 years has required a cat sitter and a hotel room.
My nephew? He sleeps through.
I get it. Trust me. I do. My kid sleeps through the night like a charm now. I grew up with cats that woke me up every single night.
Its still not the same. And even if you think it is, all I'm saying is don't say that to a mom of a newborn who looks like she's going to break. Its not helpful at all, when at your breaking point, to hear "oh yeah, I've been there! My dog woke me up once every night to pee when he was a puppy."
#3: This is ridiculous. Baby showers aside, and unless we know they're on the baby track in the near future, my friends probably aren't going to get butt hurt if they don't get invited to a one year old's birthday party.
#10: This is just down right patronizing, like something my mom said to me when I was 13
i think you're overthinking this one. it's not "OMG, i would totally trade having babies for sleep!!!!" it's just, I Am Very Jealous Of You For Getting As Much Sleep As You Want. you have more opportunities to sleep as much as you need/can and i don't and for that i am jealous. that's it.