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Re: 10 Things Not to Say to your Childless Friends
Not having a child or a dog, were I the dog owner, I would be thinking, "You get to stay inside at 2AM?"
eta: She (the SIL) asked her how she was supposed to explain to her kids where her nephew came from since he was conceived "unnaturally". People can be such aholes.
Explain it like it happened. Dad and I wanted you so much we stood on our ear. Your cousins....they just kinda showed up.
Ditto.
This list makes me think that the author has some douchey friends. I have never had any of those problems because my friends and I have tact. In the unlikely event one of my friends says something along the lines of the list I get over it because I know they aren't hateful cows. Easy peasy.
And thats fine. Like I said, just think it in your head
I don't tell my child free friends their life is easier. I think its mutual respect to also then not do the same to me.
40/112
Ha ha ha. Please I would love it if someone would take my dog out at 2AM in the snow because she is an easily distracted (oh look! This tree has BRANCHES!) indecisive (should I pee here? Maybe here?) pee-er. I freeze.
Do people actually think that their animal is comparable to a child? I mean I leave my dog at home all day with a peanutbutter kong and a bowl of water, can't really do that with a kid. Or maybe I am on to something there
where the f*ck do these people come from? maybe it's because my son is only 2, but I totally remember what we spent extra money on before our son was born. I got pedicures and facials on a regular basis, we went on awesome vacations and ate out at fantastic restaurants, I had better clothes and more of them. As much as I love my son, I remember the "good ol' days" fondly ;-)
I often think lists like this can be boiled down to one phrase. "Don't be an assh0le."
I just think when a lot of these things completely depend on the person's situation and your relationship with them, no list will really work for every situation. Hopefully, you know your friends best and will know whether a comment like, "lucky b*tch, you get to sleep in" will offend or make them laugh. Or whether they want to come to a 1st birthday party.
Except for the last one. "You wouldn't understand" is like the #1 douchiest phrase.
Nope, so right there with you. 1000%.
This is true too. Of course, the problem is, most people don't know if people are trying or child free by choice.Our closest friends know, but that is it. And I cannot tell you how many of these comments I have gotten (and others similar) especially since we have been married for awhile (5 years).
ETA: This is Dev22. Stupid AE.
On 10: the main time I think "you wouldn't understand" is something along the lines of "It might seem strange but the poopy diapers don't bother me as much as I thought they would." I barely understand it. Why would you?
If my smileys worked on this browser, I'd be giving you the raised eyebrow smiley.
#8 makes me think of the M*A*S*H episode where they are getting ready to draw straws for something dangerous and 3 of the guys say that they are married. Hawkeye (who is single) says that means he clearly has more to live for than the rest of them.
Adding to this...
"You have to have kids. Who will take care of you when you're older?" Really? That's the reason I should spawn? Just so I can have a caretaker? Fail.
"You have to have kids. Your parents will be so sad if they don't have grandchildren to spoil." Oh good. I'll have a kid just to make my parents happy. Solid reason.
Uggh. IVF is against my faith as well, but this is just ridiculous. If her nephew was conceived naturally, was she still planning on telling her kids where he came from?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
1. "When will you finally have kids?"
I've never had someone ask me this. Maybe everyone "knows" the situation since we're old.
2. "We always wanted to have a family."
If you use the expression "have a family" to mean "have children," you inadvertently send a message that people without kids are... family-less.
Doesn't bother me in the least. I don't see my husband and I as a "family".
3. "I only invited other parents."
Having children is the norm, and people who are childfree can sometimes feel isolated or excluded. So invite us to birthday parties!
Um, no thank you. Unless this birthday party is for a niece or nephew, I'm not at all interested in attending, so it won't hurt my feelings.
4. "Are you hung-over?"
I'm not sure I even get this one.
5. "You're so lucky you get to sleep in/shop/travel."
Again doesn't bother me. I think I am getting more accustomed to my IF/childless life and a comment like this helps to remind me of the positives of not having children. It's actually a good thing for me these days.
6. "This must be birth control for you."
This would just be a dumb thing to say to me...if you know me. Athough yet again another reminder of the positives of not having children.....I cherish quiet.
7. "Your dog/cat/parakeet is your baby."
If we had one, yes probably. However, I do think it's a bit insulting to think that everyone that has a pet thinks it's exactly like a baby.
8. "I can't die; I'm a mom."
I think it depends how this one is said. And even though I have other people who love me, I can understand that it's different when you're a mom.
9. "I'm sorry it's taken forever for me to call/email/text you back."
Not sure what the issue is here unless it's followed by "you know, because I have kids."
10. "You wouldn't understand."
This one can be hurtful, but if I'm honest it's true. I have some experience with children as a teacher, but not as a parent....and that is different. I guess it just doesn't have to be said.
Though I am happily childless at the moment but not childfree, these comments make my blood boil. There is never a guarantee that your children will take care of you, and prospective grandparents get no say on their child's reproductive decisions.
But can we go back to #3 please since people have been making comments about it? Unless a childless person has already indicated their feelings about it, why assume they don't want to come to your kid's birthday party? An invitation is not a summons; they can choose not to come. Like I said before, I love my friend's kids and would want to be there to celebrate. Plus, it's not like I'm just hanging out with the kids - my adult friends are at these parties too so I know I will have fun. Assuming I wouldn't want to be there or flat-out not inviting me to a big party like that because I'm childless would upset me.
<a href="http://www.thenest.com/?utm_source=ticker&utm_medium=HTML&utm_campaign=tickers" title="Home Dawww...I got to all my friend's kid's birthday parties. H and I go to the bouncy places and everything. We've done it so many times now we even remember to bring socks. I like playing with my friend's kids.
Of course - I actually like children and it's not by choice that I don't have any yet which may color that opinion.
My Goodness...another food blog. Featuring: Macarons from a old post with a photo taken by my mom for a break from my crappy food photos!
i think this is key too. It took us about a year to get pregnant and we didn't tell anyone we were trying (in my mind a year is just long enough to suck, but not that long relatively in the grand scheme of TTC) - but my SIL made basically every single one of these comments to me during that year. Now she didn't know we were trying like I said - so in her mind she was just saying stuff and it wasn't harmful. but it was everything from "i'm so glad we started our family when we did" (because you have to have kids to have a family) to "you are so lucky you get to sleep in" coupled with "I would love to sleep in but I love my kids more" etc etc. (I swear she is not as biitchy as she sounds, she just literally does not think before she talks.) She never said the dying one though.
If we weren't trying none of these comments would have bothered me - well maybe irked me a bit, but as it was, the comments went from being mildly annoying to being really hurtful - but I don't think my SIL was trying to be hurtful, she doesn't get that people don't get pregnant the month they decide to start trying. In her mind - I wasn't pregnant, therefore we weren't trying. I think this is a common misconception with many people out there, and while it's not an excuse, I think it does remove some of the assholio attitude from some of these comments.
All I have to say to this...did I miss this announcement? crap. Congratulations!
it is all about tone. I was told this many times by my friends and colleagues with kids. But, if you are struggling with getting pregnant or staying pregnant (as it was for me), it is not something I want to do. I wanted to be kept up by a kid.
To me this is an etiquette issue of being "gift grabby". For the 1st birthday i invited everyone and their dog as it was an adult eating and drinking party, with cake and mess. for the 2nd and 3rd it was more about the kids playing together, thus more to people with kids. i tried to give my kid free friends the option of attending, but an out on the gift (which isn't correct etiquette wise either, but damn). i don't feel so shitsy about it with other parents b/c i know i'm going to get their kid a gift, which is my own issue-i've never been good about accepting presents and i have to tone it down on my kids behalf.
and #10, my view is even if it is true (and it is, a lot), it shouldn't be said. I wouldn't be offended if Obama said to me "chick, being POTUS is insane. You wouldn't understand" because that is a true statement. but I can't think of an occasion off the top of my head where it wouldn't be rude. When a child free person is giving me "advice" about my kid, and cannot be shut up in a polite manner, it might come flying out though. doesn't make it right, but I do UNDERSTAND how it could happen.
and see, to me...it's more the "oh, you can afford THAT because you have kids". It's not as much the sleep thing (I don't sleep much anyway). Sets my teeth on edge. I'm probably a bit extra sensitive to it now because I hear it almost daily from one of the people I work with (who does not know H and I are trying and have been for awhile).
You know how we do
I agree with this one.
And why are people so offended by "you wouldn't understand" statements. Why is it so hard to believe that similar experience can lead to similar thought/understanding???
Plus, if you're so very offended, the clear response if you're an interested party and a good friend is "Probably not but, I can try."
WORD to the whole "a family implies the presence of children" thing. No, it doesn't. We are a complete, happy family without children, TYVM. It doesn't make our family any less of a family than yours, and it certainly doesn't make your time any more valuable than mine.