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Confused.
Dear Nesties,
Imagine a situation. You saw a photo of your husband holding some woman on his lap. He claims "not guilty", because "it was a party and we were all drunk", and refuses to apologize or do anything to make it up to you.
He finds dozens of ways to put the blame on you.
Your actions?
This is happening to me now, and I am terribly confused.
I cannot do the same and go around sitting on other people's laps just to show him how it feels, cause I just cannot do that.
I don't want to ruin a relationship that was working nicely for four years.
But I just can't pretend it never happened, and it really bothers me. To go on with our relationship, I would need him to admit he made a mistake and to apologize for it, but he just won't do it.
This woman is one of his collegues and it was some sort of a corporate gathering during a big festival. We usually come to this festival together, but this time I got sick the day before and could not join.
What would you do?
Re: Confused.
What do you mean by "put the blame on you"? I need to know more because that part of this baffles me.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Putting the blame on you? What exactly is happening there? More backstory and some examples will help.
Do not let him blame you. In fact, go back to him right now and demand him to explain why he thinks that was appropriate to hold a lady in his lap that isn't his wife. Tell him that makes you uncomfortable and that you'd never disrespect him like that, i.e. you wouldn't sit in a man's lap that wasn't your husband! If he dares to try to put a blame on you, you got to put your foot down and tell him that he dare not to blame you. He's in the wrong, completely!
That's why I want to know more because at face value, I have to say "overreaction'.
But if the OP gives us more, perhaps that will change.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It is a stupid party picture.
And we would have moved past it nice and smooth if he said something along the lines of:"Oh, honey, I was so drunk, I don't even remember it, I have no idea how this happened, but I am terribly sorry, I didn't mean to hurt you".
I don't think it's okay for him to hold someone on his laps who isn't his wife, and then to tell me it is all my fault, and why I ever watched the photos (it was his idea to watch the pics, cause he does not remember that night all that well and wanted to see the photos to figure out how he spent his time there), and why do I need to be all that hurt about it ruining his weekend, and why he needs to apologize - he isn't doing anything that can ever be considered wrong etc.
I offered him to view this situation from several other viewpoints:
1) Someone acting that way towards his sister/mother.
2) Someone acting that way towards his daughter.
3) Me acting that way towards him.
He said it is not all the same.
Weird... So, it's okay for him to do it, but not okay for anyone else?
Why?
I sense there is more to the story than just this "party" picture.
I'm with you. It's odd that he went right to blaming you. If both are dressed and no hands are where they shouldn't be, I'd have just thought it was an innocent drunk buddy picture. His reaction makes me think that it isn't just an innocent drunk buddy picture-unless your immediate reaction was something along the lines of "How long have you been fvcking her?!", which would probably be an overreaction.
ETA: Now that I think on it some more, how often does he use the "It doesn't count because I/we were drunk" explanation?
This kind of blaming you tells me there could be more to the situation. Like you said, inappropriate behavior (when the person is truly remorseful) is generally met with apologies and trying to make things right. The fact that he's blaming you tells me he's trying to deflect the blame, which, to me, indicates some sort of guilt.
Look, as a wife you deserve to have him understand that it hurt your feelings. He must acknowledge that it hurts your feeling and that he'd at least make an effort to not do something like that again. You can't just let it slide and ignore it, because if this happens again, it'd only make you feel worse.
You need to speak up to him and not let him blame you. Put him back in his place if he starts the blame game again. If he loves you, he'd at least make an effort to listen to you and understand that this sort of stuff hurts your feeling.
Describe the picture. Is she straddling him, her nearly naked breasts covering his face? Or are the two of them fully dressed with others around them, in what is clearly a posed party shot? Are they drunk?
I can envision a set of circumstances in which you are completely overreacting and your dh is right; and a set of circumstances in which your dh is clearly cheating on you in this picture and you are just now finding out. More details have to come out though.
Either way, like I said, it's a dumb party picture. Lots of people wind up with at least one sometime in their life. Big deal.
Four whole years? Average life expectancy for women nowadays is, what, 88? 89?
Think about this carefully.
The picture: they are clearly drunk, he is sitting on a bench, she is sitting on his lap, both are dressed.
My reaction:"Is she really sitting on your laps?"
His response:"No, she's standing right beside me..." - but it's clearly visible that she isn't, so - "Why do you need to pay that much attention to where she's sitting anyway? You shouldn't have watched these photos! This was my CD anyway..." - all the while, he was curious to watch the photos himself, and it was our common plan to watch them - and then two days later:"You ruined a perfect weekend... I have nothing to be sorry about, I am not going to apologize for anything, we were drunk, it was a party..." - I said I don't behave that way at parties, 'cause I know I am taken, and it just doesn't cross my mind to go lapsurfing - "How do you know you never behave that way? Maybe you do all the time, you just don't remember!" - That was silly enough, cause I do know and I do remember, and even if I suffered from severe amnesia, we always party with our friends and they would not leave things like that unnoticed.
So, I would have been perfectly okay with this (I get it, it's festival, they party, they got drunk, silly picture etc), if he apologized and assured me that I am still his dear beloved wife. Instead, he got blameful and so defensive, I don't know what to think.
Yesterday he went away on a trip we planned months ago (he is a professional athlete, and has a training camp to attend), and even as we said goodbye he still couldn't manage "I'm sorry", it was rather:"Our relationship depend on you too! You ruined this weekend. Go home and think about everything!".
I just wonder if she was really worth it.
So what if they were drunk? I keep hearing that from some of the women...
So, if he was drunk and he had her hand up her shirt that would be ok too?
Listen to me the pic wouldnt bother me so much, BUT his reaction and attitude would if it bothered me so much. He is being a douche for a reason.
I agree 100%.
I agree with everyone who said it's his reaction that's really troubling. (although I would have reacted the exact same way you did if I saw a picture of a coworker sitting on my H.) He instantly got defensive and tried to blame you. Even if there's nothing going on with the coworker, his reaction is inappropriate.
But where do you go from here? If you keep bringing up this situation, it sounds like he'll just keep blaming you and telling you to "think about what you've done" (ha!). I really don't have a good answer. Maybe you could suggest counseling.
I just wonder if things along the lines of this have happened before and he's frustrated at not being trusted. I wonder if that's where his defensiveness is coming from.
BUT- that being said.... if that's the case, he needs to talk to you about it. And not react the way he did. Because his reaction, and especially what you wrote above, makes him sound like a real a$$. You "ruined" his weekend because a picture of HIM w/ another woman upset him? And it's somehow your fault that you looked at the pictures?
I put the above thoughts otu there as "food for thought", but really... I'm giving him the major side-eye and wondering why he's so defensive so quickly and why he's trying to turn this around on you. THAT is what bothers me the most- trying to make this YOUR fault. That's a classic move of someone who is feeling guilty.....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
What kind of athlete is he?
How long have you been married?
Did you tell him what you wanted to hear?
I would assume that if he were in the public eye that it would be 'normal' for women (and men) to want to pose for pictures with him. OMG- i mean if I met Adam Levine and he let me sit on his lap- I. WOULD. DIE. OF. JOY. and I would probably want to see if I could feel his junk. My H and his gf be forgotten!
Him telling you to "go home and think about" your ruining his perfect weekend? WTH? Does he always talk down to you like that?
This reaction makes it sound like he's treating you like a child.
His reaction overall makes it sound like he's hiding something. If he really didn't remember what went on at the party because he was so drunk, then he should have been just as surprised as you were when he saw the picture and then apologized for being so drunk he doesn't remember a female co-worker sitting on his lap!
If it was just a goofy picture and he was sober, that's one thing...a drunk picture where he gets defensive and blames it on you is a completely different situation.
Being drunk isn't an excuse.