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WWIND?
So I mentioned my friend's wedding in Costa Rica before and now I'm having an issue with it.
I had asked for the time off the day before they decided to move me to NYC and 2 days before they fired my DH. I never got an answer from the boss I asked and now have a new boss that I'd have to ask. I've never worked for her before, so I don't know how it will go.
They feel as if they were doing me a favor in allowing me to come in late December or early January instead of right away. They have continued to be pretty jerky in general and I just last week figured out moving expenses.
In the meantime, flights have gone WAY up. I'm looking at 500 dollars for a stop (it was 300 for a non-stop, that flight is now 800 dollars) which has me getting into NY at 1am. So I'd have to take 2 days off of work or just show up as a zombie after traveling all day Friday and Monday for a Sunday wedding.
I normally wouldn't care about rocking the boat, but I'm the only income we have and a recruiter thinks it will take DH about 4 - 6 months to find a job. I hope it's that long and no longer, but the idea of spending this much money now makes me really nervous. Hell, I'm still annoyed at how much we spent on our wedding and wish I could take that back!
The issue is my friend. She is not bridezilla by any means, but is taking this WAY seriously. She was super upset that a bridesmaid backed out and they had a big falling out. I don't want to do that. But at the same time I feel like a friend should understand that I'm stuck with an a-hole employer and being the only breadwinner in the family. NYC is not an inexpensive place to live and we'll just be scraping by with my salary, his unemployment and the two mortgages. So I'd have to dig into savings already for this wedding.
Another friend weighing in thinks I'd be a super a-hole not to go because she went to my wedding blah blah and I had a destination wedding (which I don't think I did, but whatever) yada yada. This friend is a bit more dramatic and selfish, so I'm taking it with a grain of salt, but it does make me wonder if I'm being the jerk here.
What would IN do?
Re: WWIND?
Your husband lost his job, and she still expects you to take time off from work and risk being fired so you can buy an expensive plane ticket, just because she wants to get married in Costa Rica?
I'd call her, appologize profusely, and tell her that on only one income you simply can't afford the travel costs, and that asking for the time off could cost you the job you are lucky enough to have. You are very sorry that you can't make it, and it's tearing you up inside to make such a difficult decision, but you are SO LUKCY to have such a good friend as her who understands your circumstances. (hopefully you are good actor).
This. Except that if she's tight on cash, I would just give her a nice expensive gift of stuff she would really appreciate.
I wouldn't worry about your other friend's thoughts on the subject. I really don't think the "I went to your wedding, you need to go to mine" should be a reason to cause issues with your job and finances and time.
I would go ahead and tell the bride now though just so she knows.
Just wanted to address this...the definition of a DW is a wedding that is somewhere other than you are from, correct? Are you from Italy?
My husband is both American and Italian, with 90% of his family in Italy. So more than half of our guests were from Italy. We had to make a choice between the US and Italy and as he had more guests he wanted to invite and more of those were in Italy, that was the choice that was better for the plurality of our guests.
I don't really think that's the same as randomly deciding you want to get married in Jamaica, or whatever when neither of you has a connection to it.
Also, many people marry someone from out of their home state or town - so it's hard to have a wedding "where you are from" that applies to both of you, so you may want to go with a better definition.
ETA - this is all a bit premature and I just wanted opinions. Thanks everyone! I'm going to ask the new boss and hope she answers quickly (the other guy just ignored me, knowing what was coming). But I'm not really going to push it or argue, as I can't afford to get off on a bad foot with a new boss, whose review of me will be a huge factor on whether I keep my job in July. Hopefully DH and I have found something else by then anyway, but I can't count on that in this economy.
1) You had a destination wedding. Don't kid yourself.
Some portion of each of your families and friends would have had to travel regardless of the planning so yes, destination.
2) I agree with the fact that any friend who gets upset about your situation is not a friend. If she flips out there's nothing you can do, but I certainly wouldn't go. This is what happens when people get married in a destination. People think they can go and then can't because hey-- life happens.
I didn't realize your H had gotten fired. How douchey. Move someone to the edge of the earth and then fire them? Total shiit.
Wedding stuff.
I wouldn't go. That sounds like a total pain travel wise. The bride shouldn't expect you to fly from Turkmenistan to Costa Rica for her wedding. That's nuts.
How was your wedding not a DW? I saw that you said a lot of your H's family is in Italy, but any friends or family not in Italy had to travel for your wedding.
I agree.
Obviously your DH getting laid off isn't something that you could have predicted at the time, that changes everything and any friend should be understanding. People get funny about their weddings, I would just tell her exactly what you've told us and send a nice gift.
BFP Apr 2012, EDD Dec 19 2012 * twin h/b at 6wk, 9wk scan * Baby A lost at 12wks, Baby B was my rainbow born at 36wks
I was fine with traveling from Turkmenistan to Costa Rica. I won't be now, as I'll be back in NY by then. The issue is more asking for time off (which will be seen as a favor and could hurt me in the future) and the fact that now that my husband has been laid off, the money is a factor, which it wasn't before.
As for the DW thing... are you saying that if any person attending the wedding has to travel it's automatically a destination wedding? Cause then unless you and your H are from the same town and no friends or family have ever left that town, then everyone has a DW.
In my opinion, making a choice about whose hometown to have the wedding in, knowing that 50% will have to travel either way is not the same as choosing a random location that neither have ties to and will cause 100% of the people to travel. That's what I think of when I think of a destination wedding.
Our "destination" was to his family's location where most of our guests were. We couldn't plan a wedding in Turkmenistan where we lived. I haven't lived in, or been to, California in ages (where I am from) and this was the spot that the most guests would have to travel to. We met in NY, but neither of my parents live there (none of either of our extended family) and we'd still have over 50% of the guests traveling.
Or are you saying that anyone who has to leave their metro area for a wedding can consider themselves as having gone to a destination wedding?
I was fine with traveling from Turkmenistan to Costa Rica. I won't be now, as I'll be back in NY by then. The issue is more asking for time off (which will be seen as a favor and could hurt me in the future) and the fact that now that my husband has been laid off, the money is a factor, which it wasn't before.
As for the DW thing... are you saying that if any person attending the wedding has to travel it's automatically a destination wedding? Cause then unless you and your H are from the same town and no friends or family have ever left that town, then everyone has a DW.
In my opinion, making a choice about whose hometown to have the wedding in, knowing that 50% will have to travel either way is not the same as choosing a random location that neither have ties to and will cause 100% of the people to travel. That's what I think of when I think of a destination wedding.
Our "destination" was to his family's location where most of our guests were. We couldn't plan a wedding in Turkmenistan where we lived. I haven't lived in, or been to, California in ages (where I am from) and this was the spot that the most guests would have to travel to. We met in NY, but neither of my parents live there (none of either of our extended family) and we'd still have over 50% of the guests traveling.
Or are you saying that anyone who has to leave their metro area for a wedding can consider themselves as having gone to a destination wedding?
But didn't he ask to go to Tstan? Not that that makes it any less shitty. You don't have to answer this because I'm just being nosy but is it because there's no more work for you guys in Tstan since they're moving you home too? Would he still be employed if he has stayed in NYC?
And I wouldn't go to Costa Rica if it's that much of a financial strain on you guys. And if you don't go, I'd tell her sooner than later. I hated last minute cancellations for my wedding.
Hm. Now I'm confused and wondering what I mean by destination wedding!
The real point though is that your situation is very, very different now than when you said you could go. Getting time off work right after starting is always tricky, and since you can't risk losing your job and having no income, you have to make sure not to upset anyone. Honestly, with the money and the risk of asking for too much too soon at work, I would skip it.
BFP Apr 2012, EDD Dec 19 2012 * twin h/b at 6wk, 9wk scan * Baby A lost at 12wks, Baby B was my rainbow born at 36wks
Get them a nice gift with a really nice, personalised card/message laying out how you wish you could have been there to share their special day...
I know there have been a few of our friends whose wedding we haven't been able to attend for various reasons (and none were because of long haul flights!) but we sent a gift and everyone is still talking to us...
The gift will soften the blow!
For me, destination wedding means:
- Not in a place where you live
- Not in a place where a majority of your guests live.
We had a destination wedding, even though it was a place where we USED to live. We had to travel for our wedding, our guests had to travel for our wedding. Destination. Just because some people lived in the area doesn't make it NOT a destination wedding. That's just luck.
Wedding stuff.
Well, then NY to Costa Rica sounds like a pain to me. Arriving at 1 am on a Monday doesn't sound great. If you have the vacation time, I don't see why you can't use it? If you really want to go to this wedding then tell your boss you had asked off for it and planned to go when you were in Turkmenistan. They should be understanding. You didn't know you'd be in NY by then when you asked the first time, right?
Was his whole family in Bologna? That's where the wedding was, right?
this!
You both asked to move/transfer to Tstan right? And you complain about it all the time, so aren't you somewhat glad to be going back to NYC? Your DH getting let go certainly sucks, but you don't seem happy in Tstan, so maybe it's for the best.
I agree with others. Your friends should understand that your DH will not have a job, and it's no longer something you can afford. Unless you had all ready committed/put down some sort of money deposit, I would certainly back out.
Like most things, I'm sure you'll ask your nice boss tomorrow, and everything will be fine, and you'll end up going anyway.
Dave & Jennifer 10.18.08
My Doha Adventures
Hmm, looks like you posted regularly on the Destination Wedding board while you were planning. I'm sure that's only because nothing else applied to your situation. (Insert eye roll here)
http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-theme-boards_destination-weddings_im-leaving-tomorrow-vent
I'm perfectly happy with my definition of a DW, thank you very much. Just admit that you had a DW! No one cares!
Kthnxbai.
hehe.
Jetur, what do you have against destination weddings?
I agree if you don't want to spend the money or take the vacation time don't go, but tell her now and not later.
And you definitely had a destination wedding. Neither of you lived there and it was in a country in which many, if not most, of the guests didn't live in. Destination.
I know that you said that your DH lost his job, but only you know if you can afford the trip. I mean there are a lot of families who live on only one income so only you know if you have money in the budget for her wedding.
Not to be snarky, it sounds like you dont want to go. I dont blame you because it sounds like you are going to have to travel a really long distance for a short period of time. However, if you want to go to the wedding then maybe you should ask your boss for the time.
Life is really short. And sometimes, you should try to celebrate the good moments if you can.
Well said!
As it's time you asked for before changing jobs, I think you should ask/talk to your new boss about it. She may surprise you and be understanding.
If she won't give you the time, then talk to your friend about your situation, she should be understanding. If for financial reasons, it's really not possible, then also talk to your friend. I'm sure she knows that not everyone will be able to attend.
OK, but a majority of the guests live in Italy. And we live in Turkmenistan, which doesn't give out a lot of visas, so we couldn't do it where we live, and besides the two of us, the absolute most people would have had to travel to that.
Anyway, that's really not the point. We made our decision based on looking at our guest list and picking the place that required the least of them to travel internationally. I could have gotten married at the chapel in the hospital where I was born and more people would have had to travel (5 + hour flight) than having the wedding in Italy.
The reason I am touchy about this is because most people on the DW board choose a DW because they want a small, intimate wedding, and/or have always wanted to get married in the Carribean or in Vegas, or whatever. This wasn't about us trying to make some Italian wedding dream come true. It was about picking the most convenient place for the greatest number of people.
And this friend who constantly tells me how pissed she would be if I didn't go (not the girl getting married, the other person I asked) keeps acting as though I owe her anything because I too had a DW. But she thinks that if you just have it where you are from (CA in my case) somehow all is OK and it is not a DW even though these two criteria (not where we live or in a place where the majority of our guests live) are true. But I just get that feeling of OMG you made her go to Italy so you have to go to wherever despite the circumstances and I really tried NOT to make it hard on everyone. I don't think that is the case with the CR wedding. So call them both a DW, but again, I think that a distinction should be made and they shouldn't be treated the same.
I feel like there should be a distinction between trying to find a place that inconveniences the fewest number of guests vs. choosing a place that inconveniences all the guests and is solely chosen because you want to get married on a beach in January, or whatever.
Of course, none of this is the point because it's not tit for tat and if people couldn't go to my wedding for whatever reason it was fine. No friendships lost, no crying fits. The problem is that for this girl getting married in CR, she has lost a bridesmaid already and kinda flipped out. I don't want to let her down, but I also don't know that I could enjoy myself spending all that money. Originally DH and I were going to go and spend a few extra days. Now it will be me by myself traveling for a full day, being there for 2 days, then traveling another full day to get back to NY. Spending about 1500 dollars for that.
It makes me uncomfortable.
Then don't go.
On my income alone plus his unemployment we'll be breaking even if we are careful. We have savings, of course, so I could do it. I'm just scared to spend money not knowing when we will have an income again.
But you are right in that part of me doesn't want to go. I'm so concerned about him finding a job that 1) I can't really feel excited about weddings - when people ask for pics about mine or where to send presents I just kinda ignore them for a while because honestly it's the last thing I care about now. I wish we had known before spending so much on the wedding and honeymoon and 2) spending money on non-essentials feels irresponsible.
I'm just not sure I could enjoy it. Maybe that makes me a shiitty person (and I know her wedding is not about me), but we haven't even told our parents in the hopes that it will all work out and he'll have something else before it's "real" and he is officially terminated. So it's just a constant weight that is my priority right now and there isn't much mental space left for anything else. I feel like to be a good friend I should go, but I also feel like I should worry about taking care of my family first and we may need that money (even though we have it now). January is just the beginning of his job search and being back in the US.
JennyBee - you are right in that I don't like Turkmenistan that much. But we were looking for other opportunities to go elsewhere, because I really like being an expat and don't want to go back to the US soon. Returning to the US this soon really hurts our savings plan and now that DH has to scramble for any job, we don't have as much control over what happens and where we end up. I mean, he is looking at jobs in Saudi, Iraq and Kazakhstan, among other places. I'm up for an adventure - a few years is no big deal - but having time to save money and look versus being forced back early with one less income is not ideal. I'm sure at the end it will all end up for the best, I'm just not sure how at the moment. Neither of us has been in this position, so we're just kinda shell-shocked and scared.
RECAP: If I go I will feel like *** because we may need the mone. If I don't go and we don't end up needing the money, I will feel like ***. Then I have another person who constantly bitched about my DW telling me that I owe this other girl ANYTHING because she went to my DW.
I get how you guys feel about the technical definition of a DW, but I don't see how having a wedding in the place where MOST OF THE GUESTS LIVE in a situation where you CANNOT have the wedding where you and your FI live is comparable to picking a random place for no particular reason to which everyone will have to travel. I guess I just resent that particular pressure and do think that even if you call them the same thing people should be able to see how there is a difference.
I think you have your answer.
If you do go and spend that money (when you aren't sure about your financial stability once you guys move back to NYC or how the time off will affect your job), you may resent the CR bride afterward.
Try to talk with your friend, if she is truly a good friend, she will understand your situation.
As for your other friend, it's none of her business if you go or not and whether your wedding was a DW or not. She sounds like a busybody just looking to create drama.