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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Wow.. I'm gonna be a grandma before 40.
My 18 yr old daughter, who is currently living in the dorms, just sprung on us that she's not only pregnant, but already 5 months along. Granted she just confirmed with a doctor's appt and ultrasound on Monday (it's a girl, due March 21st).. we are still in shock and not knowing where to go from here.
We are going to be fully supportive and she's wanting to keep the baby. I'm torn between being happy that I'm going to be a grandma and the excitement of a new baby in the house and disappointed in the fact that my daughter is not going to be continuing school for a while and was irresponsible in her dating life.
I thought my life had just calmed down after buying the new house. Guess not - time for a new adventure.
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Re: Wow.. I'm gonna be a grandma before 40.
I'd be disappointed in my child too, but what's done is done.
All you can do is offer support (without becoming an enabler). Your daughter can still have a wildly successful life....it's just going to be a much more difficult road to get there.
It would seem that you were a rather young mother yourself.
I don't think you're obligated to support her by letting her and the baby live with you.
wow i'm 36 and not even a mom. YAY
sounds like you had her rather young as well. why will she not continue with school? plenty of colleges have places for moms to leave their kids while they attend classes.
I was 20 when she was born, but I had also been married for a year. (long story - not going into ex issues. lol) So yes, I'm not faulting her for her age at all - she's an adult and we realize that she has every right to do whatever she wants and we have no say in it anymore at all. Maybe this is what this is all about. It's already hard accepting that she's an adult (just turned 18 in Aug) and now we are really being testing in the "letting her go".
She wants to get an apartment with a friend, but this almost scares me as much as anything - only because this friend is one of the flakiest (but sweetest) people i know. I guess she might have to learn the hard way that living on your own isn't as easy as television makes it out to be.
She's been very responsible in all other areas of her life. going to school while having two jobs, getting good grades, etc..
She wants to be an auto mechanic. (yes, I know odd for a girl, but she loves working on car engines). So this type of school is a specialty and most don't even offer classes online. I'm trying to convince her to at least look at a community college or online classes to get some more core stuff out of the way. But right now, it's so new - all I get is "Mom, I'm going to be a mother - I won't have time for that". Sigh...
I'd be really disappointed too. And I'd do whatever I could to see that she finishes college, so she can actually support this child. Do they have day care at college? Pregnant girls can go to school, you know.
how could she afford said apartment? THATS not a priority. getting her education is. she sounds like a smart girl-i hope that she's able to finish school.
That's the exact conversation we are going to have tonight. I'm going to take her out to eat, just the two of us, so we can discuss all these things without distraction of television, phones, brother, etc.
Yes, he wants nothing to do with this and I'm still trying to convince her that he still needs to support the baby one way or another. She's in the "i want nothing to do with him" phase right now as well. We have until March to sort that one out.
Hopefully you will be able to convince her that he should provide support too. You might want to look into the laws of your state about establishing paternity just in case so that you will know what is required if she chooses to go that route.
I hope also that she continues her schooling. I know a young girl this happened to and she moved home, and her parents do help her, but she is working and going to school and still plans to achieve the same goals she set for herself before she became a Mom. It is more difficult, but definitely possible!
OK listen, this is going to sound really snobby, but working on car engines can be hobby instead of a career. I know plenty of people who work regular jobs and then spend the weekends in the garage with their cars. Your daughter needs to set a realistic goal for herself in terms of a future career, and her child needs to be her primary responsibility, even if that means pursuing a career that is stable, but perhaps not terribly exciting.
I think she should try to get into a real college and pursue a degree that will give her the flexibility to work across many fields after she graduates, not just pigeonhole herself into a trade.
I'm a long time lurker... but had to post based on ReturnOfKuus's response.
I was 19 when I got pregnant with DD1. I was in college. I took on 20 credits the semester after I found out I was pregnant, and continued to take the maximum allowed credits each semester after until I graduated 6 months early. All while I maintained my full time job, and lived in an apartment that my H (then bf) and I paid for. We have since married, and have another beautiful DD, and are still happily in love almost 10 years later.
Please don't assume based on the limited facts we have that this child wont be fully loved and supported. There are responsible people who can handle the situation. Sorry, but that irks me.
OP- From someone who has been in your daughter's shoes... I don't agree that "it will be hard" for her. Yes, in some cases it can be hard. But please remember that is a generalization and not necessarily true for everyone. I wouldn't say that my life was any harder having DD than it would have otherwise been.
I think you should look into the paternity laws as well; he may be required to provide support.
Also, if you're going down that path, it sounds like she got pregnant when she was 17. I don't know if the father would "get in trouble" if he was a few years older than her (statutory rape?).
And from the sound of it she will have the same response about getting a job, staying in school etc... Maybe she thinks this is a way out of all other responsibilities?
I'm with you on this point. Perhaps mention that adoption is a wonderful gift for both the baby and the adoptive parents. She could seek an open adoption so she could still get updates and information about the child. She can't be that together to 1. get pregnant, 2. not seek pre-natal care, 3. not tell her support system until 5 months into it, 4, not have a plan for her future and that of the baby.
Good luck to your family - this is a challenging situation.
You may have done all of this, but that doesn't make any of it a good idea.
If she intends to use public resources to pay for her and the child's medical care, or for state aid for food stamps, day care assistance or cash money, she will most certainly have to provide the father's name, and THEY"LL go after him to recoup what the state has spent on her child. Deciding to toss the father aside is not a realistic or mature response to planning for this child's future.
Have you and your dh decided what you can reasonably afford to help her with? The apartment thing sounds like a not very realistic dream, frankly.
I think that you are making huge assumptions in this regards.
2. If she didn't know she was pregnant then why how would she know she needed pre-natal care.
3. OP's DD may note have known that she was pregnant untill close to the 5 months mark. If she is in collage she could be stressed and did not notice the signs of her pregnancy, or not had any symptoms at all.
4. She may be starting to plan for the future but she hasn't told her mom these plans yet.
OP- My sis got pregnant at 16. She was not making the best life decisions at this point in her life. She was starting to fail classes and she was skipping school. Shortly after she found out she was pregnant she started attending classes again and she brought her grades back up. She kept her daughter who is not 6 (7 in Jan). She went on to go to nursing school and become a nurse.
It is possible for her to do well in life even with the pressure of being a single mother could entail. please try to be supportive of your daughter and her decision.
To the bolded part: yes it can be a hobby but I know a few mechanics that make upwards of $100,000 a year. It can bring in a lot of money for her and her future child.
What about working on car engines is not a "regular job"? I agree with awick, a skilled tradesperson may be much more in demand than the eleventy-million liberal arts recent graduates looking for work right now. And I say that as a liberal arts major who has been there, so I'm not criticizing them either.
I think she was just saying that, since right now OP's daughter is pregnant and will have a baby and can't physically work on cars currently, her desire to work on cars could be put on hold in favor of going in a different direction for something she CAN do right now (say, office work). She can still have working on cars be her passion and hobby while she peruses a different, more obtainable and realistic goal for the short-term, at least.
I didnt think that was too hard to comprehend,
Did you miss the part where the father doesn't want anything to do with the baby? She won't have him to share an apartment with, or expenses, or diaper-changing or feeding or any other baby-related duties with. So it's not really like your situation at all.
This.
DS was born when I was 36, no way I could be grandma at 40.
I think it would be important for you and your husband to get together and decide how much you are going to support her. Are you going to let her move back home? How much are you willing to help out financially? Are you willing to babysit? How often? Do you support her financially right now (car insurance, car payment, cell phone, etc.)? Will that continue? How long will that continue?
Then you need to tell your DD and be realistic. She needs to know what all she will be responsible for. I've seen a lot of situations like yours where the grandparent steps in too much and just enables the child. If you decide to let her move back in, set down rules for the house and rules for chores and stuff. Let her know how soon she will be expected to get a job or go back to school. Let her know how much she is expected to work while in school.
If she decides to apply for welfare type programs, many require that she goes after the father for child support. The father does have rights and just because he is uninvolved now does not mean that he won't follow through with his right to see his child especially if she goes after child support. I certainly wouldn't count on getting any help financially or otherwise, but she does need to prepare herself for the reality that he could become involved.
She needs to set down clear goals. How is she going to support this child? Does she have any trade school experience? She needs to be realistic about her field. Where I live, mechanic jobs are very hard to find. There is a lot of competition and many positions usually stay in the family. Plus a lot of people with mechanic experience went to work at the auto factories and are now searching for work. Plus it might not be a very good job field for a single parent. Many places require you to work weekends and most daycares are M-F. Those kinds of things are things she needs to think about. Especially when we are talking long term. School hours would be much cheaper in the long run.
She needs to figure out how she is going to get the things she needs to start off. She needs to figure out what health insurance options she has for the baby. She needs to be realistic about what options she has for financial assistance. If she plans on moving in with this friend, she needs to figure out a realistic budget. I have an 18 year old brother in college and I was explaining to him how much it costs to have a cheap apartment and he had no clue.
I have seen some young parents get apartments with their friends that are not parents, but I've never seen it work out. Having a baby in the house changes things. You have to be quiet. You can't have parties. The baby keeps them up at night. Everything changes when the baby becomes a toddler. I love DD, but I can't see anyone wanting to be roommates with a toddler. I would talk to her about the toddler stuff too. For me, the baby phase was easy. I had downtime. I missed sleep, but it wasn't too bad. Now is much harder. I have to watch DD all of the time. I wouldn't be able to get homework done while she is awake without a sitter. There are online schooling options, but I really can't see doing it full-time without some kind of childcare. Even part-time would be hard considering the father isn't going to be involved.
Also if she plans on moving back in, she may night qualify for welfare programs. Many of the programs are based off household income and not individual income. That will be something she needs to look into as well.