Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: I can't get over it
Lots of great points have already been made. I agree that many are determined to follow a life script not realizing how much that can lead to a very unexamined life! As well as to unhappy marriages and even tougher times parenting.
There is also these days a huge glamorization of pregnancy and parenthood. Often young women, wrongly, look at motherhood and kids as the answer to life unhappiness, or to fill an identity or to even escape the working world. They look externally for a "meaning". I recommend "I'm okay...you're a brat", "The Mommy Myth" or "The Feminine Mistake" as great reads about some of these trends.
I think a lot of these younger persons do not quite understand what the reality of parenthood is. It is not just about a cute baby, and it is for the rest of your life. Whether you have them at 25 or 35, it is forever and does not stop just because the kid turns 18.
I am very glad I never followed the life script and got married or had kids by some deadline. As it is, this resulted in a very healthy and fulfilling marriage since I waited until the right relationship and I was ready.
It also meant that by the time I was 32 I had time to realize that children were not only something I was not ready for but also something I do not want at all and I am now decidedly child free by choice rather than on the fence. My husband is more open to them than I, but at 37 also feels if they do not happen that is alright as there are other ways to have kids in his life. He is also more on the CF side since even at 37 he had no intent to have kids for 5+ years anyway (this was before I talked about being CF for sure) and is more interested in being with me than having hypothetical children.
This makes no sense. You had a timeline that involved doing a bunch of stuff before having your kids. Some people have a timeline that involves having kids first, then doing stuff later, or whatever.
I had my kids at 37 and 39. I'm potty training my younger one right now. My SIL just put her youngest into university. Different strokes.
Now, getting KTFU at 18 in order to escape your home life and move in with your BF so you will have someone who will 'love you forever' is a different kettle of fish altogether. But timelines are personal.
Jumping in here -
Dh and I have not (but I"m 100% sure now after my previous post) that we will not consciously choose to have kids.
BUT - the whole 30 thing? In my neck of the woods - 30 means your body changes and your ability to have a H&H baby decreases - your chances of having a child with Downs increases - complications increase - and perhaps its the fear rippling through the rest of us that we need to make our decision now before it's too late. I"M NOT SAYING 30 IS OLD!
I am already petrified of having a child - being responsible for raising one etc. Then when I add in that the chances increase for having a "different" child compared to the perfectly H&H cousins in the family - I freak out even more.
Go ahead and hate me for being scared of having a child with difficulties - I deserve it. A coworker has already skinned me alive for feeling like I do. - - Apparently there's something extremely wrong with me for not truly deeply wanting to be a mom - to any type child.
I love my dogs. They act just like kids sometimes.
It is not like you wake up on your 30th birthday and all of a sudden your eggs are defective. And at 35+ while fertility decreases and there are higher risks there is also a lot more screening for likely issues. Young women are not exempt from special needs children - there are several young woman on special needs board who had kids with Downs, other chromosomal disorders, or special needs. There are a couple who did not know until birth, either.
By the way, one of my many reasons for being child free is I would not want a high special needs child. While I would screen and abort in such a case, there are things that can still happen (birth trauma, accident, things that cannot be screened for). So no flames from me, but I too have heard people say that sort of thinking is shallow. Who cares what they think, it is your life and you have the choice as to what risks you want to take or what children you want or do not want. They would not be one raising that child! Raising high special needs kids is hard and I have seen it amongst some of my family (I have a cousin with Downs who is entirely dependent on his parents at 45 and has had numerous health issues, and another young cousin who has severe cerebral palsy). They love their kids but have admitted to me it is so much harder than they could have imagined and if they could go back in time knowing what they know - well let me say they are not so sure they would have had kids after all.
There is NOTHING wrong with not wanting to be a parent and it does not make you less of a human being, or a woman, or mean anything negative about you. It reflects more on your coworker than you that she felt it was right to "skin you alive" for how you feel abou something as big as this. It would be wrong to ignore your feelings and have one anyway. You do not deserve a hard time for it. The child free population is smaller, but strong. If you PM me I can give you the name of a great community for child free'rs!
Even if you are still on the fence, it is a great place to go.
I have not figured out how to PM. I just post lol.
But if you can PM (and I figure out how to get it lol) I'd love to look into this community.
DH's family continues to grow by leaps and bounds. Everyone seems to be shooting for 3+ children. My inlaws are less than thrilled at our choice. In my entire family (small to begin with) - only 2 of the adult children have had kids and both of them lost custody. DH and I are the only married (and financially stable) couple capable of raising a child but since we don't want any... ... Aunts Uncles -Mom and Dad - my Brothers - all upset at that decision. Thankfully they have learned that no one changes my mind, so they stopped trying.
All of my female friends are mom's too - so in "my world" - I'm alone. So please do send the info
I will send a PM right after this post. On the left side under "my boards" there is a "check private messages" - go there!
I understand. In DHs family the thing to do is to have "oops babies" and then maybe get married. Even his sister did this! We are married, and after a couple years people are wondering! Let them wonder.
On my side, I am the oldest of my generation. None of my siblings have kids either, though my younger brother plans to adopt with his partner (they are a gay couple). All my cousins are still quite young! So there is no younger generation on my side yet than mine...though I am sure many expect me to get to it at 32! I have never got any pressure from my family though at all, and my mom fully understands how hard parenting is even if she would like grandchildren one day (she would be perfectly happy with my brother adopting anyway!).
I think there are pros and cons either way.
We had our first when I was 28 and DH was 36 and our second when I was 30 and DH was 38. We both think it's important to have children when you've finished school and stable in your career (and financially). So, I certainly believe it's better to have children a bit later than earlier.
However, sometimes I think of the time lost with our children. I mean, it's possible we'll both live to be 100, but my dad died at 54. My brother had just turned 18 a few weeks before my dad died. My brother was the baby in the family and my dad was 36 when my mom had him. So, the con of having children later is of course the fact that your children will be younger when you die. DH will be nearly 70 when our younger son is my age! Now, DH is in excellent health. He's fit, exercises every day, doesn't smoke, drinks infrequently, etc....but there's no guarantee re: illnesses like cancer, etc.
Also, some people like the idea of being an active parent wanting to run around and throw a football with the children. You can still be active when you're older if you've taken good care of yourself, but there's also an obesity problem in this country, so a 45 year old parent may have the body of a 60 year old (I watch too much Biggest Loser).
Anyhoo, so there's another side to the issue, rather than just being too impatient to have a child. Ultimately, I think it's smarter to wait a bit later than to have children too early, but I can understand why people may not want to do so.
I'm 25. Many of my peers are already having babies. I can see how it can be hard on somebody who isn't in a situation where they can't handle a baby when they see everybody else go on about it. I get a little bit of baby fever now and again, but DH and I know we're not ready (and we're in a better spot than many of my friends who are TTC or pregnant). I don't plan on starting to TTC until I'm 28. I had a friend ask me the other day if I was going to be next (his wife had a baby this summer, and his BFF is having a baby next summer). I told him that babies take a lot of sacrafice, so I just want to wait until I'm mature enough to be able to make these sacrafices and have the reward be worth it (meaning, I'm not ready to give up my nights out and random vacations).
I guess I'm an early breeder who wanted to weigh in. DS was born the month before DH and I turned 25. Ideally (and I understand that this isn't always how it goes) I would like to have another child when I am 27 and one at 29.
There were some advantages to us having children younger, and it worked best for our family.
That being said, I didn't rush right out and get married because I wanted kids before 30. I found the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, we got married, and then we set our children time line.
If they are really young, maybe they do see 30 as "old". By the time they get closer, they may feel a bit differently if they have not had kids yet and really do want them. Unless they have stopped taking care of themselves, most will realize 30 is far from old, after all. I can think of a few people who said things like this at 20 or so, and then did not have kids until they were in their 30's (or had more in their 30's) as that is how life worked out and they realized their earlier beliefs were a bit naive or inexperienced.
I am 32, and don't feel old at all, even though I joke about it sometimes! If I wanted kids, my age is certainly not seen by me as a hindrance and I would be in a much better place for having them than I would have been 3, 5, 7 or more years ago. In a couple more years, I would be in an even better financial position. I mean, I decided I am not having them, but I still gave these sorts of things plenty of thought.
Gosh, I know many 30, 40 & 50 somethings with young children who are in much better shape and far more youthful than a few 20-somethings I know, and much more engaged with their children as they have the ability to be with less worry about finances or other pressures. It is such an individual thing.
What I find troubling about it is the pressure or rush according to a set timeline, rather than taking the time to think about whether having children is right for them at all. If their feeling is "by 30 or not at all", I wonder if they really WANT children or are doing what is expected of them as if they really did want kids...30 would hardly be a deal-breaker. While it is more common for women to have their first babies in their 30's now, many of us have grandmothers or great grandmothers who had further babies well into their 30's and 40's.
Anyway, by rushing to follow the timeline, they never give themselves the time to figure it out for themselves whether they are following a life script, or making a decision that is truly right for them as individuals.
I understand that, which is why I am not rushing into anything for that reason. But there is a little part of me that does worry about it. It is medically proven that the older you are, the greater the risk of complications. It doesn't mean that I think I would be exempt from those issues if I started TTC tomorrow. However, I would be lying if I said that the personal experiences of people I know and love didn't have any affect on me.