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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: No Wedding Present From My Brother...Annoyed
This! Totally agree! It's a gift. The post makes you sound like a brat.
Personally, I think destination weddings (and the second "home" wedding that they usually require) are just rude in general. It's like telling people they aren't important enough to be at your actual wedding, but hey, we still want a party and presents when we get back!
I also think it's tacky that you said your brother had to pay for his partner to come, when everyone else was covered. My sister was in a new relationship when I was planning my wedding, and I factored in a "guest" for her. They broke up before the wedding, but she was still free to bring a "guest". It sucks going to a wedding alone, and I wouldn't have cared if she wanted to bring one of her friends.
Your brother is probably hurt that his relationship wasn't recognized, and of course he's going to take his partner's side - that's what I would expect.
And ditto to all those reminding you that no one owes you a gift. Especially when they aren't important enough to be invited to the actual wedding!
So, 99 percent of the time I would say it is rude to expect a gift.
And I know I am in the minority here, but YOU PAID for his vacation. Yeah, he should have given you a gift.
I don't think that his boyfriend has anything to do with it. He is your brother, you paid for a nice trip for him... yeah, he should have. I'd be irritated too.
FET - transferred two embryos (boy and girl) - Nov 2014 - BFP!
A gift is not mandatory and that includes birthday gifts. The BF came to the party where he ate and drank happily then still wants to forgo a gift then that is who he is and your brother agrees. Sure, it is hurtful, but STOP involving your mother!!
I agree with this and think some of the responders here are being a bit harsh on you. Given the circumstances, I'd be annoyed too, even though in general I think it's rude to expect a gift.
You sound like a more generous person than your brother and perhaps your relationship with him is a little one-sided. Since you won't change your brother, you need to decide if you want to adjust your part in the relationship to be more equal to his effort, or else find a way to let go of your resentment when you give more to him than he returns.
I also think you should keep your mother out of it. You are putting her in the middle and that's a tough spot for her.
So, get him a $20 gift card from Target and move on. If that's all it would have took to make things right with him, return the courtesy.
And no, shifting the blame to his BF because of an off-handed comment is just stupid. Your brother didn't get you a gift. No one talked him out of it or prevented it. This is 100% on your brother.
As for the BF coming to the reception without a gift, yeah it's a little tacky but not unheard of. Like you said, it "might not work out" and he just wasted his money on getting you a gift. Maybe if he was more serious .. or dating longer ...
gifts are indeed optional, blah blah blah.
having said that, i totally get where your annoyance is coming from. it seems very rude that he would not get you a wedding gift, especially when you went above and beyond as a DW-person by paying for his trip! i think that was very considerate of you and i'm sorry that he didn't return the consideration towards you and your new H.
just move on and try not to do anything petty in return (ha ha, i would be tempted to as well, but it's all kinds of wrong to retaliate in a situation like this one).
My SIL did not get us a wedding gift saying she did not have the money. Cool, fine. Weddings aren't about gifts, we just wanted her there. Except less than a month later she went to Europe for a month personal vacation. At first it kind of burned me, but I quickly realized it is a reflection on her, not us. She's rather self-absorbed and that's who she is currently (DH and I both hope she matures).
My advice is to brush it off and move on. Life's too short to keep tabs.
Personally, I wouldn't be that grateful for a mandatory vacation without my SO (even when DH was still just my BF) even if it was paid for.
Brush it off and move on.
There's a huge difference between paying for a guest at a wedding that's $100 a plate and paying for airfare and a weeks stay in an AI for two people. I don't think there's anything wrong with extending the invitation to the wedding, but not offering to pay for his trip. She didn't even have to pay her brother's way if she didn't want to, so on that note, she was being very generous. Also, he was invited to (and attended) the AHR, so I don't see how leaving the BF out makes what the brother is doing okay.
Granted, as I said before, gifts are never required, so that's not the problem. But if the brother was originally going to give a gift, but chose not to because his BF didn't get a free vacation, then he's the one being petty. Although the OP isn't above the pettiness by being upset about the lack of a gift either, but that still doesn't mean she should have paid for the BF's trip...
I just said the exact same thing to my dh!
AMEN!
The BF is not obligated to you in any way, invite or no, to give you a present. The only etiquette he breeched was in mentioning that he wasn't going to get you anything expensive (bringing up gift giving was rude). That was passive aggressive on his part but in reaction to how you were handling his invite in the first place (which I don't think was wrong of you given that it was a newish relationship).
You and your husband have breeched etiquette in talking to others about this (particularly your mother) instead of directly asking your brother back before this became "an issue" of resentment. Perhaps the BF did have some influence, he might have felt slighted because he's still dealing with being out and all the flash-back one can get over that. Who knows? The truth is, it doesn't matter one iota.
Your not getting your brother something (as well as dwelling on your not getting something as trite as a $20 Target GC) is childish and more premeditated than what you are suspecting your brother and his BF of doing...so, if two wrongs don't make a right...then why show your pettiness/hurt over the matter? I agree with the whole wedding destination plus wedding party two weeks later and collecting of gifts that others have already laid out as typically being rude. However, I also think that you've shown generosity towards your brother in paying his way. If you are expecting others to act as grown ups then you certainly loose footing if you, too, behave childishly.
You poor poodle...you should cut those gay slackers out of your life immediately. You don't need this conflict in your life. Go buy yourself some towels and BB&B to console yourself.
I think this line of thought is exceptionally rude! I think people have a right to get married when and how they want. Assuming one goes about a DW in a polite manner, it's really outrageous for anyone to poo-poo the way a couple chooses to get married.
As for the rest - get over it already. If it will make you feel better, don't get your brother a birthday present and then you can both be equally rude and snotty. But I certainly didn't get married just so that people would buy me gifts, so I don't understand being so upset over this.
At first glance, I thought OP was totally in the wrong.
However, after the follow ups, I can see both sides. I don't think it was unreasonable for OP to expect her brother or his BF to pay for the BF's travel and accommodations. I mean, that's great if OP had the disposable income to just tack on another person to the travel arrangemetns for the AI, but realistically, that's not really a feasible addition in most cases. She stated that it was her brother's brand new boyfriend at the time they were making the plans. It's not like the week before the wedding that an extra person can be tacked on. And I know I wouldn't be comfortable paying the extra money far in advance for a new SO. Long story short, I don't think OP's actions were unreasonable given the circumstances. And she did offer the boyfriend the option of coming...if he or her brother could cover the additional expenses.
I can understand being a little irritated at not receiving a present after that, but yeah, no one is obligated to give a gift.
Also, your wedding was at the end of October! I believe the guests have a year to get the couple a wedding gift. This whole drama may be moot. They could show up next week with a wedding gift and still be within the acceptable time frame.
As for your brother's birthday, well, gifts are optional, as stated earlier. If you feel like you have a one-sided relationship with him and it's going to harm your relationship to give gifts without receiving gifts in return, then you shouldn't give a gift. But, you really have to examine the meaning of gifts. They're not supposed to come with any strings attached. So, definitely do not give gifts if you expect one in return.
Read the whole post before you respond......... You're way off.
OP --- while your brother has no obligation to buy you a gift, I do see that it would be annoying. I personally would text him back about the b-day present idea just like you suggested. But for the future, feel free not to gift him at his birthday.
You probably paid THOUSANDS of dollars for a destination wedding and you are b*tching that he didn't get you a $20 gift card.
Seriously, just STFU.
Your wedding guests, including your brother, have up to a year after the wedding to get you a gift. So, your time would be better spent wondering what it is he's planning on getting you as opposed to brooding about what it cost to feed him and his partner at the reception, or how much money you think he ought to spend on you since you paid for his ticket to see you get married in godknowswhere however many thousand miles away.
And if he gets you nothing after the year is up? SO.WHAT. Surely you don't send out bills for wedding attendance.
Hey, you're entitled to your opinion, and I'm entitled to mine. To me, using my vacation time to go somewhere I may or may not be interested in and participate in a bunch of mandatory activities, possibly without my spouse if he's not considered to be "serious" enough, is rude. YOU can get married however you like, but a destination wedding usually means taking a bunch of other people along for the ride.
In this case it helps somewhat that she paid for it, but for most I've been invited to and others who have have gone, they also had to foot a ridiculous bill for a forced vacation. No thanks.
My H & I has a small wedding in our backyard with family members, bridal party and their spouses. Following the ceremony - we had a big reception for all friends and family. No one thought this was rude- nor would I if I was invited to the wedding only. Our closest friends were in the wedding and therefore were there along with their spouses. I think anyone can have their wedding anyway they like.
Also she said she invited her brother's newly bf to the ceremony but he had to pay his own way. what's wrong with that?
As far as a gift- it shouldn't matter. my sister (maid of honor) didn't get us a gift- she is in school and has no money- it wasn't even a question. sure it's fun to get gifts, but I wouldn't worry about it. As long as he thanked you and appreciated the trip and all that- I wouldn't stress about it.
no one says you have to go. duh!
This.
OP, if you are still reading this I am going to look at this from a different perspective. Which is, one of you has to be responsible and mature. Whether your brother is or not, we here will never know. But take it from someone who has a a brother who is holding a grudge that is 20 years old against his dying mother, this is petty, please get past it and move on. It's not worth the heartache. And holding back a gift in retribution? Do you really want to lower yourself to that level, seriously? Siblings bicker and they aren't always nice, but don't involve your mom being the middle man sucks. And two, be selfless, not selfish.
That's why I don't go, because I think they're rude. If you like them, then go. Why does someone having a different opinion than you bother you so much? Relax!
What sticks out to me here, would not be the part about expecting a gift so much, but the brother not giving a wedding gift, or even a card, yet having the gall to send out a request for a birthday gift to others, implying not only expecting a gift but also expecting to get exactly what he wants.
Wow...some of these responses are a lot meaner than I expected.
From an etiquette stand-point, it's a little tacky on his part, but definitely a gray area. I would just be the bigger person and move one.
However, I totally understand the relational viewpoint that you are coming from. I would probably be a little upset too. However, it's more personal than etiquette-involved, and I might talk it over with him if it's going to be something that bugs you for a while.