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Am I thinking too much into this??
G and I have been dating just over 3 years now, living together for 1 year. We have not been in a rush to get married, but we have had talks that is where our relationship will leadto. He has promised me since the beginning that he would never waste my time nor lead me down the wrong path if those weren't his intentions. BUT (yes here it is) I question this lately.
We went to look at rings this spring (his decision solely) and had a great time. We went on vacation shortly after and was to return to look at one of the rings that had to be shipped in from the designer. Well, I never saw the ring. We got into a huge fight while on vacation and came home (from Hawaii) a day early (the argument was not that serious, just a few too many drinks in the sun and a miscommunication is what we decided after clearing the air). Somehow, we have made it past that and have done fine except now he tells me he is not ready. I avoided the topic 100% after we were back on track as a couple and that is what he told me eventually. It has now been almost 10 months and I have had plenty of time to think and question if he really is in this "forever with his best friend" or if I am being led astray (which I dont really see as happening).
So here is my question that I have asked him in several talks and still do not feel as though it is a complete, solid answer as to why he has changed his mind from 10 months ago being "ready" to now "not ready." Part of his answer is that he wants to make sure he doesnt make the same mistake (he was married for 18 years with 2 older kids) and wants to make the decision when he is ready with no pressure. ( I have never pressured him on this topic or his decisions, just try to make sense of it).
Any thoughts?
Re: Am I thinking too much into this??
Men who want to get married get married. It's not hard. And you've indicated you're willing, so he knows you're a for sure. And as you know, ultimatums are a bad idea.
I'd make a deadline, in my own mind, and tell myself that 'if we're nto married or engaged by x date, I'm going to be done'. It doesn't matter if it's five years, or five months; just whatever date you know you'll be done.
Then stick to it.
This is a sh!tty thing to do.
If he has changed his mind about getting married, he needs to tell you and tell you now. Lip service and a lick and a promise is meaningless.
You have been with him now for 3 years. He pretty much should know by now if he wants to get married or not.
Sorry for your troubles.
Monkey wrench in life no doubt. When he asked me to move in we had a talk and I was adament I would not move in with a guy just to be his "live-in forever girlfriend." I needed to know there would be commitment. He agreed and we talked about where we wanted to be in our futures and he stated "5 yrs- married."....
So to continue to throw wrenches into the grind, I have thougth so much about what you have exactly stated and come up with a blank deadline anytime I try to set one in stone. I guess I dont even know where to base it off of. I am not saying that I have to be married by a set date, but to know that a stronger commitment of at least the next step would show me more... Am I wrong to think this way? So as far as setting a "deadline," the only one given to him was that if he wanted me to take his last name, then he would have to do it before I graduated dental school ( I havent even started yet! I begin fall 2013, so that gives him 5 years!).... I tell him that jokingly, but seriously. That is the only set deadline I have given him.
I just get so confused and when we do talk about it, I dont feel any better after it....
Thank you!
That was a mean thing; taking you ring shopping and then pulling the rug out from underneath you.
Why can't you discuss with him whether he wants to marry you and if yes what his timeline is? That's not nagging; it's getting all the facts so you can decide if that's what you want as well.
The only teeth you should be pulling is in your chosen profession, not in your relationship.
Sue_sue has an excellent suggestion...but be prepared to stand behind your decision and if he does not ante up, be prepared to move on. You have to be a priority; to me, it does not look like you are one.
This is an older guy, not some kid. Married for 18 years and has 2 grown kids? I am guessing he is in his 40s. All the more reason why this guy should be proceeding in a mature and thoughtful manner.
If it really was a miscommunication that ended your Hawaii trip, saying things jokingly but meaning them seriously is not a good idea. If you really mean it, you need to say it in a real conversation.
Pick a date...I personally wouldnt give it more than 3 months. Tell him he has 3 months to make his decision and leave it at that. Do not say another word about it. Be ready to leave when the 3 months are up.
If he is telling you he hasnt made his mind up yet after 3 years, i think he is telling you something loud and clear!
I do not know many people who would have a fight on vacation and leave a day early if it wasnt a big deal. If you are a couple you have a fight, you discuss it and you get over it...you do not leave HAWAII!!
::high fives Tarpon::
AWESOME response! Really... top notch corniness. I love this!
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Me too. It's not worth a flight change to go only a day early. There's something else to this. What exactly did you flight about?
Yeah,I want to know more about this fight. You way it wasn't a "big deal", but yet you ended your vacation early (whose idea?), he is now suddenly "not ready", and you all needed time to "get back on track" as a couple.
Hmmm... a "not big deal"/ drunken fight shouldn't lead to this.
So, either there is more to the story, OR you're seeing a very clear and dysfunctional side to this man where he can't handle conflict at ALL.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm with the others. There has to be more to this fight. Something was said, done or revealed that can never be taken back. That's the only reason why it would completely change his outlook on your relationship and make the changed flight worth the money to get home a day early.
But, if we're totally off base and this really was a MAJOR over reaction to a disagreement then... have you ever considered talking to him? It's not against the rules to say, "Hey, things were really moving along there for a while and now they're not. Did something change?" He knows your feelings on the matter, find out his and make an educated decision.
I may be one of the only people here who doesn't support giving him a date. If it works and he does propose then I'd think you'd have a nagging, "what if I forced him in to this" feeling. If he wants to marry you then he will, if he doesn't then he needs to admit it and let you move on.
Think about giving him an ultimatium. Don't give it to him, just think about it.
What would you feel like if he decided he didn't want to marry you? Would you feel relieved? Would you be happy that you finally had an answer??
What if he proposed? Would you feel relieved? Would you be happy that you finally had an answer??
If you would feel the same regardless of which answer you got, it's time to let him go.
I'm with you on not supporting giving a date. I think it's ok to have one in your head but if you tell it to him then that's an ultimatum. I would never want to "force" someone into marrying me. I've never understood that.
I hope I was clear. I don't think you should give him a date. At all. I think you should give yourself one. And it can be as long or short as whatever; but you are dissatisfied, you want more, and you have reason to think more was coming from this relationship.
And if the two of you are in the habit of playing 'in the future' or 'when we're married someday', or 'someday we'll be married' or whatever, I'd stop that now. "I'm sorry honey; I just don't want to play 'what if'; let's just drop it for now' is perfectly reasonable. and is better for your mental health in any event. Right now he has the luxury of choice because he knows your answer already, and he knows you're waiting for him to decide. Taking that assurance out of the equation is a good thing.
My then boyfriend (now dh) asked me once what I'd say if he asked me to marry him. I told him to drop it, and if he ever felt like asking me for real, to let me know but I didn't like playing pretend. He was a little surprised, but that shitt. This isn't high school, and we're not children.
I don't get this at all. How do you know if you're on the same page for the future if the topic is off-limits?
I think it's very possible that your assessment of what caused the fight is incorrect, especially in light of your passive-aggressive comments about getting engaged before you graduate from dental school. You cut your trip short and now your boyfriend has done a 180 on a long-term commitment- there was more to that argument and you can't just explain it away with alcohol and a misunderstanding.
Your timeline is a little unclear, but it sounds like he changed his mind a few months after you moved in together. Maybe he went into the situation with every intention of marrying you eventually, but started to have doubts after living with you for a little while. You said it's been 10 months and you haven't been able to get a clear answer from him about why he's feeling this way- again, that's a sign of major communication problems.
Ultimately, you know what you want out of a relationship. If he can't give that to you, then he isn't the right person for you.
I would leave now. i know it is hard. I wouldn't be able to deal with going ring shopping and then not getting engaged. There is more to the story of the fight in Hawaii.
ETA: I changed fig to fight. I am not sure what a fig in Hawaii is.
More about the fight, please.
And I'll echo Sue_sue - men who want to get married, get married. I wasted a lot of time trying to convince myself otherwise, in a prior relationship, but it's true.
I think its really dirty pool to take you ring shopping (and get your hopes up) then not follow through. This whole leaving you guessing thing is also not very mature or thoughtful.
I am with the others to set a date in your head of when you will be done.
Also, to echo others I think you should just lay it out for him. "We were going great guns and talking about marriage. Now you aren't ready. What changed your mind?". If the two of you can't have that frank, open discussion then its time to move on and see other people. You can't beat around the bush with major life decisions and being open about your desires should start before the ring is on your finger.
Sadly, as the others said, if the man wanted to marry you he would propose. It kind of speaks to his character that he would get you geared up over ring shopping and then pull the rug out. Do you want to be with someone that does that? You could give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he might not understand how much of a let-down and hurtful it is. However, I don't think that is true.
Please give us more details on the fight. You don't just cut your vacation short over an insignificant fight.
I'm sorry, but he changed his mind. I don't know if it was because of what happened in Hawaii, or if the year of living together did it. Or the age difference.
When you looked at rings, you were in the "honeymoon" period of living together - around two months. Now it's been a year, and he's realized that you're not the one.
I'd leave in the New Year. Get your own place. Don't give him an ultimatum. Go be independent. If he wants you back, he'll let you know. Then you can decide whether he's the one for you.
Whatever you do, don't stick it out for the next five years and let him be your room and board during dental school. That's a lot of waiting around, and you'll miss real opportunities for marriage.
yeah but what was the fight about specifically? because to me, if my BF did something that made me not want to spend another night next to him, and leave VACATION early, would be something dealbreaking and relationship ending.
so you see, even though you may THINK this event was inconsequential, it probably wasn't.
spill it so we can help you.
Just to give everyone an idea of the timeline since it doesnt seem clear: After living together 9 months we went ring shopping and then to Hawaii in the same month and then came home a day early from the trip due to an argument that I am not trying to blow off by saying it was an alcohol/miscommunication issue. It was more than that.
The argument was about his daughter and how he is only a bank account to her. This is not the first time we had spoke of this concern and he was the one that brought it up asking my opinion about something with her. I gave him my opinion (dont ask me if you dont want the truth, which always ends up being the same answer I give him- "put your foot down with her. Let her be the responsible adult she thinks she is."). It escalated to the level of him saying that I was jealous that I didnt grow up "priviledged" and made a remark about how I was raised by my single father that had passed away recently and is a very hard topic for me to take heat for. My dad worked hard to give me what I needed. To be priviledged- I know I was. I knew I was LOVED by my dad. I didnt need to be showered in presents or money. That wasnt a huge part of my dad and I's life. His comment was beyond a daggar with a double edge. I couldnt stand to look at him for awhile, even though he immediately apologized, it didnt make the hurt of it go away.
After reading your comments everyone, its clear. I have known what I have needed to do, just second guessing myself I suppose. Thanks!
see here is how I see it- if your life growing up was so awesomeamazing (and i am not saying it was or wasn't, nor am i judging if you have issues about any of this either so bare with me) and you didn't have any "issues" surrounding it, you would be more immune per se, and able to face a snarky below the belt comment from him- and let it roll off your back and think '- "hm- he was nasty, he said something mean during a fight, we'll talk about this tomorrow when we've cooled off."
but instead you are taking your past issues about something completely not having to do with him and that are still completely unresolved and translating that into over-reacting and blowing up into this clusterfvck of relationship drama over ... a nasty comment said in the heat of the moment.
now if it was just exactly what you said it was- him saying something to the effect of "you're mad because you didn't grow up spoiled" - yeah that was a nasty thing to say and you didn't deserve that. but also, stay the fvck out of how he deals with his daughter.
who cares how much money he gives to his child so long as his bills are paid.
you guys have been living together for what... a year... and you're already dictating how he should spend his money? and then you're flipping out over a comment and LEAVING vacation?
thats dramatic. and honestly sounds a bit unstable. thats his daughter and his business. i am not saying he is right in this either, but that right there is why he cooled quickly on the idea of getting married.
either way, i'd say just move on. you deserve to find someone who is exactly what you want, there is no point in forcing it with someone who isn't right for you.