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My parents are ruining my marriage!
I apologize in advance for the long post but did not want to leave important details out. I am hoping to get some insight on this serious issue that has been going on way too long. My DH and I have been married a little over a year, but been together (not living) for almost 5. About 3 years ago my parents reached an all time low financially to the point that they almost lost their house. At the time I was living with them and I helped out as much as I could. At one point, I was the only one working in the family (I had one sister also living at home) and supporting everyone with the help of my older sister who lives out of town. My DH (then fianc?e) helped me when I asked him to, which I only did as a last resort. Especially during the year before the wedding, there were a couple of times when he helped us pay a couple of bills.
As you can imagine, this problem has gotten worse since we got married. Even though my dad was able to get a low-paying job, my mom has not worked for about 3 years, and has almost refused to do so. She suffers from a lot of depression and she honestly needs a lot of help that we have not been able to give her. We think she is doing better though since she went back to school and is working on getting licensed in her field. She will be graduating next year and will hopefully get a job soon after that. She could be working now since she only goes to school part-time but again, she has not been actively looking for a job. This is not something we can control since we have all tried many times.
DH has been fed up with my family for a while now. He doesn?t understand why it has been so long since they have been in the same financial position, almost as if they do not care that me and my sister continue to help them. We have given them a lot of money during this past year alone. DH is not exactly the most giving person so this has been very difficult for him. Recently, I have noticed that his resentment towards my family, especially my mother has gotten worse. He tells me that he doesn?t feel appreciated. One example he gives me is that for his birthday, my parents did not even bother to give him a birthday card. He understands that they are in no position to buy him a gift, but he says a card would have shown him that they at least cared. I made the mistake of telling this to my mom only to hurt her feeling as she reminded me that she doesn?t like to give a card to someone when she can?t afford a gift because to her that would be even more embarrassing. I don?t blame my DH on this one, but I can?t really change the way my mom thinks.
We fight almost every day over this. He says it is not the money we continue to give them. It?s the fact that he feels he has no control because I will continue to give them whatever I want. With Xmas shopping in the works, I have not exactly stayed on budget with them mainly because my older sister kind of suckered me into getting our younger sister a really pricey gift together(she really needs a new laptop since she is still in school). Also, since they can?t afford it right now, we are paying for their tickets to the New Year?s Eve party we are attending this year. He wants me to include the party as part of their Xmas budget, which of course would be forcing me to get them really cheap gifts, which I don?t want to do. I told him I was willing to compromise by not getting them expensive gifts, but I still wanted to give them a nice gift besides the party. He is really upset about the fact that they feel entitled to everything we give them. For example, they did not even offer to pay part of the tickets for the party. They just kind of assumed that we are paying for them. I did not ask them directly if they were going to pay for their own tickets because I know how tight they are. If they want to save for it and give me the money later (which DH thinks will definitely not happen) then I will take it then. I rather assume that I need to pay for them and not cause any more drama (you should note that when my parents were well off, they paid for everyone one new year?s eve, including DH?s parents).
I really have no idea what to do at this point. My sister recently gave me the advice of telling him that I am tired of fighting and he just needs to accept that this is the way it will continue to be, or just leave me (this is what she did with her DH and it worked). Even though I don?t believe in divorce (except for very unique and unavoidable situations) I was desperate the other night when we were fighting until 3 in the morning and I gave him the ultimatum. Just tonight he told me he has been thinking about it a lot and he was ready to tell me that accepting it was not an option, but that he spoke to his sister (who used to be a therapist) and that she recommends we go see a marriage counselor. I am really upset that he told everything to his sister because I did not want his family knowing everything that has been going on, but I can?t really blame him because he needed advice and has no one else to talk to. I trust that his sister won?t say anything to his parents, because then the relationship between his parents and mine would get even worse. But that?s another story.
PLEAS HELP! I feel like I am the middle of a rock and a hard place!! What do you think I should do? He wants to talk to my parents himself and voice all of his concerns but I am afraid that will make things worse knowing the way my parents will take it. So that is not an option. I am also hesitant about going to a marriage counselor because I read of the dangers of doing so here: http://www.smartmarriages.com/hazardous.html Do you think that counseling is a good idea in this situation?
Re: My parents are ruining my marriage!
First--you are mad because he told his sister but you told your sister? And your sister gave you bad advice by the way. See a marriage counselor ASAP.
I am pretty sure I'm team husband on this if I have to pick sides--why would your parents get jobs? You're giving them money hand over fist.
You are going to need to choose a healthy marriage or support your parents indefinitely. There is no way the 2 are going to co-exist. I do not blame your husband one bit. Your parents are taking serious advantage of you and your sister. You cannot change what your sister does, but you can change your behavior. It will never stop until you start saying no. Your family (you and your husband) come first! If it takes your parents losing their house to wake them up, so be it.
You need private therapy as well as marriage therapy. Your parents have some seriously screwed up ideas and they have brainwashed you into believing that supporting them is okay. IT IS NOT!
"Don't marry a man unless you would be PROUD to have a son exactly like him." ~ Unknown
Your parents are not ruining your marriage, you are.
You should not be in the middle of this- you and your husband should discuss and set boundaries, and you should be firmly on his side. It sounds like he has been more than reasonable about helping out, to the point where you are enabling your parents' laziness.
Leave and cleave, sister.
Yes, go to counseling.
Your husband has been extremely generous. It's time to put him first. If you can't do that, then get a divorce and let him find someone who will.
I stopped reading when I read this line: "It?s the fact that he feels he has no control because I will continue to give them whatever I want." That, to me, is a huge problem. If you're married, your money is his money and his is yours, and for you to give money to anyone else (family, random stranger, charity, whatever) isn't right without talking it over with him. How would you feel if he did it? I get that your parents are taking you for granted, too, and that won't change as long as you keep "encouraging" it (by giving them money, etc). Your husband is your family now - not your root family, and is your priority. If you can't see that, you have bigger problems than the money issues.
I might read the rest later, but I might not. Frankly, what I read really, really bothered me to the point that I might not want to.
HTH, FWIW.
Anyway, i realize now I am messed up in my beliefs and I have been considering therapy for myself for a bit now. Always wondered if others thought the way my sisters and I did...I guess it all just comes down to the way you are raised.
The only way your parents will be forced to deal with their financial situation is if you stop enabling them. Perhaps if they were made to lie in the bed they created, your father would require that your mother get help for her depression and then become motivated to get some employment to end their dependence on you.
If the situation were reversed (your parents bailing you out) we would have the same advice. Adults should stand on their own two feet.
I feel that getting your younger sister the computer she needs for school makes sense. I am not sure why you have to get your parents tickets to the same NYE event that you are attending, but if that is important to you/them, then that is their present. Full stop. People in difficult economic straits make sacrifices. They put their kids first and deal with the rest.
I am Team Husband.
First, you need to separate out needs from wants. Fancy NYE parties and expensive Christmas gifts are not necessary.
And you don't want to be seen as the selfish daughter, but how about being seen as the selfish, uncaring wife?
Your parents are not ruining your marriage, you are. Your H sounds like a nice guy who is understandably fed up with your parents crap. And as I tried to tell you on TIP before you deleted, your sister is a moron. To answer your other question, yes, marriage counseling could work for you, if you're willing to realize this all needs to stop and to work on your own marriage.
I understand you think you are helping, but they are taking advantage of you, at the expense of your marriage.
I'm Team DH too.
I think a marriage counselor would be a really great idea. Both of you running to your siblings is not a good idea and they will be biased.
I really don't think the issue with your husband feeling that way is all because of your parents. *You* were the one that made a budget with him and decided to go over it without consulting him on more than one occasion when it came to your family. Can't you see where that would make him feel disrespected and like the decisions you made together unimportant? Take some responsibility. You are a big girl. You were not suckered into anything. It sounds like your DH is willing to help them out financially. You both need to sit down and decide how much, for how much longer, and most importantly stick to that budget.
Is there anyway you can help your family besides giving them money? Can you help them find more affordable housing? See if she needs any help writing a resume?
Ultimately your parents are not ruining your marriage, you are.
People make mistakes for lots of reasons - mature adults ADMIT they made a mistake and start to work on a solution. Talk to your husband and tell him that you think that you have been incorrect about this situation. Apologize for even thinking about giving him an ultimatum as your sister suggested. Tell him that you guys will set up a budget as a couple and you will stick to whatever you guys agree to. Commit to acting like a real partner and then follow through.
Bottom line, your H sounds like he was willing to be helpful and supportive of your family, but not to a ridiculous extent. It doesn't sound like your H was hard-hearted or mean, but he has reached his limit. He seems to be exercising some common sense and isn't being a bad guy. Acknowledge that in him. Tell him that you appreciate everything he has already done for your family and how that shows what a loving man he is.
Of course children should help their parents out when they're in a position to do so, but there's a huge difference in helping with bills versus paying for their entertainment. I can't believe that they expect you to pay for their New Year's Eve tickets - my parents would make up an excuse as to why they didn't want to go just to avoid me paying for their tickets if they were hurting financially. And if you feel like the tickets are something they'd enjoy, then your H is right - that's a great Christmas gift! No need to get them anything else, especially not a "nice" gift. I feel really bad for your sister's husband and the fact that he was basically told that he has a choice between no say in their finances or getting a divorce. Please do not do that to your husband. Talk to him and come up with a compromise, and then stick to it.
The other thing you need to consider is that normally when people think about taking care of their parents it's in the context of when they're much older, retired, and possibly in need of more care in their later years. If your mom is going to school now and not working, then presumably she's not preparing for retirement. Set boundaries now and do what you can to make her self-sufficient, otherwise not too long from now you're going to have the same issues when they expect you to fund their retirement.
You don't see a problem with this? Isn't there something you should be saving for instead of helping someone that won't help themselves? Down payment on a house, baby fund, retirement?
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First of all, it was your parent's choice to have kids...and NOT to be a source of income. You have NO obligations to reimburse something that you had no say in creating to begin with.
Second, there is a HUGE difference in helping ANYONE out in a time of need and enabling the person's bad decisions and/or providing wants vs needs.
Third, it is very clear by what and how you have posted, where your priorities are. And they are not with your marriage. Think back to each of those moments where you and your DH talked about that particular monetary "gift". Did he really and truely ok giving up the money or did your attitude of "I will do it no matter what" just wear him down or did you even just ignore him all together?
You say he has a problem with giving period...to me that means you ignore his beliefs as just HIM not wanting to give...vs him not wanting to give your family. I am betting you used that to rationalize your running roughshod over his views.
Outside of getting into some really serious therapy about your co-dependency with your parents and your utter disregard to your husband's feelings, if you want a suggestion that MAY help you...here goes.
Create a budget with your DH that includes covering all of your necessities (rent/utilities/groceries/debt payments), covering savings into a Roth IRA or your 401K, covering savings for emergencies and covering savings for long term purchases (house,new car, etc).
AFTER you have BOTH have figured out that budget and BOTH agree upon the amounts, then you split the left overs between yourself as fun money.
YOU get to spend that fun money ANY WAY YOU WANT. That means if YOU want to throw it away on your family, vs say getting a hair cut or buying that new cool purse, then that is on you.
But as long as you do not put YOUR (that would be the married you) budget and future at risk, its all good.
As others have said, it's not that we all don't believe in helping our parents, it's that we don't believe in enabling bad behavior. FIL's sister has cancer and was out of work for a year or so--good example of a time to support someone. Mom is depressed and preferrs not to work? Not a good time to reward her with expensive presents.
This is where a therapist can help you out a lot in sorting out what actually is helping and what isn't.
Some of this may be cultural as well--are you a 1st or 2nd generation American and your husband is not? That will create a lot of differences in how you view these situations.
To be blunt, if I was your H, I wouldn't have married you. If this somehow developed after the marriage and you gave me the ultimatum you gave your H, I would have served you with divorce papers ASAP.
Your H sounds like a good guy who really cares about you and was trying really hard to make you happy. Individual counseling for you and marriage counseling for both of you.
The Princess of Anything is Coming!
Had a dream I was queen.
Woke up. Still queen.
"Don't you believe that it is children's duties to help their parents when they need it?"
To a certain extent... but it's gone far beyond that in this situation. Now you're just HELPING them make pisspoor life choices.
I allowed my mom to live on the street and in homeless shelters for a year... and it was one of the best choices I've ever made. Because eventually realized that she was responsible for herself, pulled herself up by her boot straps, got clean, moved to Denver and started a whole new life. Everytime you pay for your parent's lives, you're telling your mother it's a-ok that she just sit at home and do jackshyt all day.
And are you effing kidding me about the "dangers of marriage counseling"?! Like... you're joking, right? You can't be serious.
I'm 100% on Team H and I think at this point you need to cut your parents off and beg for your H's forgiveness.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
You are no longer helping your parents, you are enabling them. You need to accept that and then fix it.
Your husband is 110% justified in telling you that this needs to stop. The fact that you had the gall to tell him, "it's this or I'm gone" is absolutely incredible. It sounds like compromise is entirely out of your scope of possiblities when it comes to throwing money and gifts at your parents.
There is no way you should feel responsible for your parents, just like they shouldn't feel responsible for you anymore. You're all adults, time to take care of yourselves. Your husband is your family now, and it's your family's future that should matter. Both of your parents sound entirely capable of working, they were well off at once point. Time to get back at it, and the only way they're going to do it is if you stop the gravy train.
I'm going to vote for personal and couples therapy as well.
It is completely understandable to want to help your family out. But, it isn't "help" anymore when it is expected and the people you are "helping" are no longer trying to take control of the situation themselves. This is when it becomes enabling. You might be interested in reading the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.
Especially when the help is in the form of expensive Christmas gifts. If I spent a chunk of change keeping my folks afloat during the year and then they expect me to send them to an expensive New Year's party I would be irritated. Difference between want and need. They need heat, food, electricity, etc. They want presents and nice parties. You're putting your parents above your marriage.
Example from my own family - My SIL is unrealistic and unprepared for life. At age 26 she still has never worked a full-time job and lives off loans, an inheritance, and my inlaws. At some point her lack of financial security and her general lack of direction is going to catch up with her and it's going to be a problem. If my DH just kept funneling her money despite me expressing my displeasure it would certainly be a problem in our marriage. Because that would mean we are continuously bailing her out and leveraging our future and the future of our children. And if we kept bailing her out despite her continuing to make poor choices - that would burn my britches. DH and I have actively made the decision (and he's even told my inlaws) that we cannot and will not be an avenue of financial support for SIL if she continues current path. There would be certain stipulations for us to give her money and the amount would be a one-time deal.
I sort of read this whole thing as a an elaborate story to drive people to the website.
The poster certainly does have the same rambling style as the website author.
Or maybe I'm just jaded.
You and your husband are the only people responsible for your marriage. Not your parents, friends, strangers. Just the two of you.
So, if something isn't working, it's up to the two of you to figure it out and either fix it or walk away. Unless your parents are literally holding guns to your head, they are not forcing you to do a damn thing. The responsibility ultimately lies with you, if you are allowing them to push you around or if you are making your husband take a backseat to them.