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Prob. Flame-Worth... I am the OW
I've been lurking for several months. I'm divorced and have been separated from XH for over two years. Immediately following our separation the affair began. I fell in love and I fell hard. I have sought in-patient treatment to try to get past our relationship and although he has told me from the beginning that he is never leaving his wife and their life, he continues the affair with me. I learned recently that they are pregnant although they had given up hope to have a child of their own about 6 +/- years ago after failed IVF. I am devastated to say the least. I haven't eaten since he told me the news on Sat morning and I'm making myself sick. I know I have no right to feel this way. I moved over 10 hours away from him; left my career, left my family, left my home, left my friends. I am alone in a new city trying to get over him and I have found myself back in the darkest place of my life. I almost feel as if I deserve it bc of my poor choices. Adultery goes against my upbringing and moral code and I am ashamed.
I was in counseling post separation from XH and remained there dealing with the affair. I slipped when I moved to my new city 4 months ago, but have gotten back into therapy as of yesterday and have another appointment this evening and regularly scheduled appointments weekly thereafter. I want to find comfort and peace in my decision to not return to him, but he has been my best friend, lover and confidant through the toughest times of my life and the love I have for him is the strongest I've ever felt for a partner. We have seen each other since my move and I can't get to the point where I feel comfortable saying goodbye to him, even though I'm torturing myself with jealousy, abandonment, heartache, guilt, fear and the most painful sadness I've ever endured, along with no desire to wake up in the morning knowing I will never be loved by someone I love so much.
He has told me the pregnancy is not a factor in wanting to be with me still and he plans on seeing me while he's on a conference in a city nearby within the next couple of months. I want to be able to say no to him, but through therapy I've learned that he is my drug. He is to me what heroin is to a junkie. I want to be happy; I want a family of my own one day; I want to be an amazing wife and mother and I know I will never have that as long as he remains in my life.
I hope this post doesn't upset too many people, as I know the majority of posters here have dealt with this sensitive issue and it has been the demise of their own marriages. I guess I needed to write it to make it more of my reality and I would love to find some support even though I don't believe I deserve that either.
People are placed in and taken out of our lives for a multitude of reasons. My faith has me looking upward so I might stay on my path, forward to reach my future and to either side for the ones to walk near me on my journey.
Re: Prob. Flame-Worth... I am the OW
If he is telling you that he will never leave his wife and family for you....why would you want to still see him? If he doesn't love his wife enough to be faithful to her, then if he DID leave her....what makes you think he would be faithful to you?
I only write these things because I think you are blind sighted by how great you THINK this guy is. His wife is pregnant after years and years of trying....something many couples hope and pray will happen to them, and he STILL wants to continue the relationship with you? That doesn't sound like a committed man, or a good man in any sense of the word. I'm sorry to say that, but I think you need to look at the big picture. How he treats his wife now, will be how he will treat you later, IF he ever leaves her. He is having his cake and eating it too, which is disgusting.
It's not fair to his wife, and it's not fair to you. I would forget about him.
Thank you. I know it makes no sense. I can't explain why I've kept seeing him for over two years other than I always held out a little hope he would change his mind. The time we spend together is amazing and the way he looks at me and makes me feel is unlike anything I've ever felt before.
I hope and pray to find more strength and clarity through continued counseling and I hope the physical distance between us aides in this.
How do you know that you are THE ow?
He probably has other women in every city where his works sends him.
I would drop this guy and be alone for a long time.
ETA: Oh, and I wouldn't be alone without friends. Get out there and make some friends, try out some hobbies, start volunteering somewhere and exercise. these things will get your mind off of him.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
He WILL keep asking to see you. You just have to stay strong and say no. What he is doing to his wife is ridiculous.
I would almost hope she finds out, not because I want you to be in the middle of that, but his wife deserves better, as do you.
You will again find that guy who treats you like you should be treated, it just isn't this one. I would erase his number, erase him from ANY means of communication so you aren't tempted. Seriously, it's for the best.
Good luck!
This.
If he is running around on his pregnant wife, he is probably running around on you too.
I definitely know I've been the only one. I don't want to get into too many details for privacy reasons, but I have no reason to doubt that fact, not that it changes anything as far as me needing to walk away.
And somewhere his wife is telling people that she knows 100 percent her husband would never cheat on her because she can always tell if he's lying...
I have been in this position. I thought the same thing with the guy I dated after my divorce. I felt that it was so different than what I had experienced before. I put myself through some very unhealthy things during that time because of that exact look. Once I realized how self-destructive that was, and worked on myself and took that time to focus on me and what I needed, I had the chance to meet G. The man who actually DOES look at me like I'm the most beautiful woman in the world. More importantly than that, though, is that he backs that look up by respecting me. And treating me like I deserve to be treated.
Please get away from this guy. I know that is way easier said than done, but you will feel so much better about yourself once you can get past this phase in your life. Best of luck to you!
that's so nice of him that he told you his wife's pregnancy won't be a factor in him continuing to commit adultrey with you. How thoughtful of him.
I don't believe that what you have with him is the "real love" you are making it out to be. Love isn't about feelings of guilt, dishonesty, and longing for something which you know in your heart is wrong. What you have is similar to a drug addiction. Likely the reason you *think* you have all of these feelings is because of the excitement and mystery that likely surrounds sneaking around with someone who is not your husband.
I also don't like the idea that you keep acting as if you have no control over yourself or your emotions when it comes to breaking things off with him. You are writing this out, admitting that you know it is wrong and then you are making the CHOICE to still do it, knowing full well what your actions entail.
I would suggest cutting off ANY form of contact you have with him, cold turkey and continuing therapy. You need so much help which can only be gained through examining the motives for your actions and making the CHOICE to do better going forward. You will never find any sort of happiness if you keep continuing down this path, but you need to realize that for yourself.
You need to change your phone number, block his number, change your email, don't tell him your address. You are obviously not strong enough yet to tell him no so you need to cut off contact and cut off his ability to ASK.
This is NOT a good man. I know you *feel* loved and *know* how good of a man he is, but that is all a lie. A good and loving man does not treat women the way this man does. He is lying to his wife, you, and who knows who else (as much as you *know* you are the only one). He's not lying to protect someone's feelings, or because he is late for work, he is lying because he is a selfish pig who wants two women after him.
Does he know how detrimental he is to your mental health? Yet he is still pursuing you? That is a BAD man.A good man, wouldn't cheat on his wife. A good man wouldn't date a woman who has mental issues she needs to work through. A good man would back off and wait until you are healthy (some other girls on here could use this advice, too). A good man will wait for you to be ready. A bad man doesn't give a sh!t about your mental health. A bad man dates you (or sleeps with you) even knowing you are in a bad place. Bad men prey on the weak.
So, change your number, change anyway he has of contacting you. Write "return to sender" on any snail-mail, send e-mails to junk and automatically delete it. If he says he is coming to your place-LEAVE. Get away from him until you are in a place where you can say no. And even then, I would not willingly be near this bad bad man.
This is very selfish on his part. He is having his cake and eating it too and he doesn't care what effect that has on your life and that you have to go to therapy to short out this whole situation. Like Heavenly said, you have to respect yourself enough to know that this situation isn't healthy and that you deserve to be treated with way more respect.
It is just sickening that he could do that to his wife, let alone, pregnant wife.
I honestly feel sorry for you. I was cheated on my my ex-h. He lives with his former mistress, now girlfriend now. He left me for her ... but if you ask him their relationship started way after our divorce; it was just a coincidence that he had secret email accounts to talk with her through and that he is now in a relationship with the girl that his "crazy" then wife accused him of cheating with. But I digress. She knew we were still together when they started things. She called him when he was in the emergency room with me having a miscarriage! She knew he was breaking his marriage vows, his commitment, to me to be with her. She knew he was lying to me. What in the world made her think she was different? That he won't do the same thing to her. Now that we are divorced, I see him doing things for her that he did for me in the beginning (I talk to ex regularly and see him weekly because we have joint custody of our son). And all I can think is, "This poor, stupid girl doesn't know what she is in for."
Everyone deserves support, and I bet you'd get a ton of it if you wanted to leave the lying a-hole you think you are in love with. And he is a lying a-hole because of what he is doing to his wife and his unborn child. What makes you think that you will be different? Because he isn't accountable to you so you guys can just focus on the "good" romantic parts of your relationship? That will never last.
If it was really true love and he really wanted to be with you, he would be. I don't know what it will take for you to get to this point, but someday you will look back and realize you were being manipulated by a manipulator. The reason you feel like you have this amazing connection is because he is a charmer, a player. Part of their "talent" is being able to make you feel like the only one they have that connection with. This makes me really sad for you and his wife, you're both pawns in his game and you have the power to get out but don't like yourself enough...
I find you to be incredibly cold hearted. How could you do that to his wife? And now she is pregnant and you are still considering continuing the affair?
I understand being in love or lust or whatever and I fully understand how hard it is to move on. But you have to. You have no other choice. Cut it off and move on with your life. Get therapy, take meds, excercise, keep yourself busy. You will find a man who is wonderful and all yours.
I am not exactly the poster child for anything but I went threw a major heartbreak 5 months ago and I believe I am through the worst of it and I see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is life after this man.
Onwards and Upwards.
This....if he cheats with you, he will cheat on you. Even if he left her for you, you would never trust him completely because you know how easy it was for him to cheat on his wife, who he made vows to. You deserve more, you deserve better....block him, keep talking to a therapist, get some friends and move on with your life.
Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with a low life scum bag like him?
Why do you have such low self esteem that you date a pig like him?
Why do ALL the OW think they are so special and different than all the other women these men cheat on? Why are they so stupid?
Why do women like you let men control their whole lives?
You need therapy and a lot of it asap! that is the only way you will change all these negatives things you have picked up along the way.
We're kind of going out.
ygpm back
You are in a sh.i.tty spot, and I'm sorry you got some heartless replies. Obviously you know what you're doing is wrong, but you haven't found the strength yet to do what's right.
I hope you find the strength soon. Glad you're in counseling - I'm sure that will be a big help.
Sorry, I agree with Melinda.
The one person I know that continues relationships like this is on her THIRD married dude. He is now "separated" from his wife and they are dating. She said she cut off ties with the previous married guy when his wife became pregnant and she didn't want to wait anymore for him to leave her.
People like her in this world make me sick.
A million fish in the sea, they say. Find one that isn't married, mmmkay.
THIS... word for word.
You deserve better than this a$$clown.. and so does his poor unassuming wife! This is from the site below.. check it out, it has a lot of info about being the other woman and why some women put themselves in that position...
"Sometimes the first time people realise that they love themselves, is when they opt out of an unhealthy situation which although they're hurt, it's not as much as they would've hurt if they'd *continued*"
http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/
I won't judge you. I actually hope you listen to the ladies here and recognize that you are not in a good place.
You have so much that COULD go right for you...you moved, have a new job, a new place to live, opportunities to meet new people. This is YOUR time.
Please go to a therapist and work on your self esteem. I can imagine how exciting it was to feel loved and live in a world of secrecy, but you deserve to be loved and be the ONLY woman, not the OTHER woman. I feel like you are putting all your happiness behind this guy.
Take CHARGE today. Make a change - delete his phone number, change your # or block his...decide that today is the day you want to put yourself first. It's a new year - start out fresh. Get some therapy, maybe sign up for E Harmony and find a good guy for you.
I hope you come back and read the replies you got, b/c you really deserve to know that while you did something wrong, you can make it right.
Like I would tell anyone going through a break up - take your time to grieve. It is a significant loss in your life. Then take the time to re-build.
Good luck to you.