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Internet strangers.
So, I'm peacing out and going to live my life without being called a trainwreck or crazy or people talking about me behind my back for my decisions. You all can "support" everyone that follows your little categories of starting over, but there will always be one or two people that don't have their heads up their ass.es that you will target.
I don't even know why I feel the need to say anything before I go, but I do. Probably because not only IRL, but now online I will always be made to feel inadequate to everyone else. My problems will be talked about and made out like I've got no legitimate reasoning behind why I feel the way I do, and every decision I make will be scrutinized by people who cannot understand what it's like to want to be happy and struggle with life every day.
I have been and always will be an outcast to the norm. I will always be that kid at the lunch table eating alone because all of the "cool kids" tease and make fun of her. I have never had a group of friends before. I have never found anyone that really gets me. I have always been searching, and I feel like with BF, I FINALLY don't have to search any more. He gets me. We click. He makes me feel at ease. Oh sorry, didn't mean to talk about him. Everyone raises an eyebrow like I'm trying to talk him up. He makes me happy and I talk about him. Everyone on this board talks about their SOs and no one says anything about it. I guess I'm the target this week. Someone else will be next when I'm gone, as were the ones before me...like AirIsRunningOut. Prime example of someone who tried to get support and feedback but you all tore her to shreds.
I am not engaged to my BF. Nor did I say I was getting engaged. I said he was buying me a ring. Does it mean engagement ring? No. It more than likely is a promise ring and I just got a little excited and ahead of myself. Excuse me for being a girl and getting giddy over something nice my BF is doing for me. Sorry, I love him. I'll wait for some douchebag off of Match.com or someone a friend can set me up with to come and sweep me off my feet. Maybe he'll make gobs of money and be so douchey that he dresses in polos and cardigan sweaters and take me to fancy restaurants. *Vomit* No, thank you. Or maybe I'll be holier than thou and take a "man-battical" because really it's another way of saying "No one wants to date me, so I'm just going to pretend it's my choice".
Oh and I cut myself. Yes. I smoke marijuana. Check. And there are other things about me that make me "cray cray" in your book. You people should take a glance outside of your sheltered lives and try to really live like a normal person. Not with mommy and daddy by your side helping you out financially, or watching your kids so you can go out and get a piece. Try doing it the real way, by yourself. Claiming you're self supporting when you're really not isn't getting you anywhere but making you sleep easier at night. Try struggling. Try working for what you have and making sacrifices. It'll make you a better person.
Well to all of you who actually gave a shlt about me, thank you. To everyone else who turned up their noses? I don't care. You all can talk shlt but I know deep down, you're the ones who are miserable inside. Pretend your lives are good and whole because you went to a therapist, or took such and such amount of time off from dating, and worked on yourselves. You people are just as, if not more, damaged.
Re: Internet strangers.
I said I quit you, but since you're on your way out....
The people who get "ripped the shreds" here are the people who consistently make very bad, self-destructive decisions and refuse to listen to reason or seek actual help. And the flaming only comes after people become increasingly more frustrated with the posters who are seeking help and advice, but ignore anything that doesn't validate their behavior. This board isn't especially harsh. No one takes any glee in this. No one is bullying you. People are, however, exhausted after giving sound advice to no avail.
Best of luck. You're going to need it until you realize that only you can solve your problems and stop trying to avoid the in-patient treatment that you need. This band-aid boyfriend is not the answer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rY0WxgSXdEE&ob=av2e
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Also, I am loling about people talknig behind your back. On a message board. Where you post all your personal business.
In the wise words of Elliott Smith, "If it's your decision to be open about yourself, be careful or else."
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
This doesn't sound so bad. I like cardigans and fancy restaurants. Meh. To each their own, I guess. Ciao.
All I'm reading here is assumption after assumption after assumption. I've followed your story, and despite some snarky comments, you received really great advice.
This post is food for the drama llama.
Wow, and you say WE judge??
One thing I have learned from this board is that they really want what is best for someone. And you going from telling your BF that you need distance and freaking out on him to getting a ring (engagement or promise) so quickly are red flags. When I look through your posts, you remind me of a rapid cycle bipolar. I stopped replying or even reading your replies because you had the same thing of "you don't get me" feeling to them.
Yes, your posts get linked across different boards. That only happens when you have people going WTF which you have repeatedly. Don't post what you would not be ok having read in open court.
You want to take it slow? NO rings. NO promise to "be together forever" yet. FFS at least wait until you are officially divorced!
And as for your general judgement? Please. Seriously? Yea, why am I even dignifying this with a response? I'm not the social norm, that's for sure. I like me. I have worked through my mental issues. I have my head on straight now. You? Do not. Work on that first. If your BF is so great, he will wait and help you. Not buy you rings trying to keep you.
I haven't followed your story 100% but from the snippits that I've read, you need some serious help!! But you also don't need to run away like a baby. These girls have given you and other women solid, brutally honest advice for free - listen to them - take what they say into consideration - take the blinders off and really think hard about what is going on in your life and the red flags that these women have brought to your attention - really look deep into yourself and find your own happiness.. Get help, serious therapy and inpatient therapy would do you good...and stop running away stomping your feet, pouting like a baby. Own up to your mistakes and try desparately to make yourself better!
You know, this whole mess could have been avoided if you had not implied that it was an engagement ring and then failed to correct others who made that (very reasonable) assumption based on what you wrote for nearly three dozen posts.
Good luck and I hope you get the help you need. Based on my experience, you definately sound like you have Borderline Personality Disorder, and it's a tough problem to manage. You're reaction towards others trying to help you (this post) is just a symptom of your disorder. It needs major committment to live a normal, healthy life. I know you're not there yet, but take a look at this and see if you recognize yourself and your behaviors.
"Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others.
These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships.
Causes, incidence, and risk factors
The causes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) are unknown. Genetic, family, and social factors are thought to play roles.
Risk factors for BPD include:
? Abandonment in childhood or adolescence
? Disrupted family life
? Poor communication in the family
? Sexual abuse
This personality disorder tends to occur more often in women and among hospitalized psychiatric patients.
Symptoms
People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly.
People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships.
Other symptoms of BPD include:
? Fear of being abandoned
? Feelings of emptiness and boredom
? Frequent displays of inappropriate anger
? Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting
? Intolerance of being alone
? Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing"
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/
I hope you can take some steps towards recovery. Good luck.
And what, exactly, is your experience? Are you a mental health professional? If so, have you done an in-depth screening of this poster?
Encouraging people to seek help is a good, responsible thing. Making unqualified, armchair diagnoses, however, is presumptuous and unhelpful.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I have been following your posts and it's a shame that you aren't listening to the great support you've been getting.
For you to have such an over the top reaction to the comments people have made is a huge red flag. I'm sure you know that what everyone is saying to you is the truth but you don't want to believe it. It's a defense mechanism called Denial. Ever heard of it? You know what you need to do but you're too scared to be alone to do the work you need to do on yourself. Do yourself a favor and test your BF. Let him go for now while you work on yourself, ALONE, and see if he sticks around and waits for you to get your act together. Then you'll know if he's the righ guy for you or not.
<a href="http://s941.photobucket.com/albums/ad259/laurens1122-bfp/?action=view
I was literally going to post the same thing but was reading responses first.
OP you sound like you have classic Borderline Personality Disorder. Like to a Tee. I have a lot of experience dealing with people with BPD. I am not judging you but especially with your saying you know you need to change, geniunely wanting to change, but then turning right around and doing the same things or something else that destructive. Its attention seeking. You have received a lot of really good advice on this board but you see it as being ganged up on or attacked.
Your IRL friends have commented on the fact that your bf is not good for you. But again you just took that as people "not knowing you".
I wish you all the luck in the world. I really do honestly hope you make the changes you need to find your happiness and not struggle every day with life. But until you are ready to accept and make those changes you will not be able to find your happiness.
Just trying to help- sometimes recognizing yourself in behaviors and putting a possible name to what you are going through can do wonders towards making steps towards recovery. Seeing a listing like that could be an 'ah-ha' moment for her. And I am not the only one who thinks she should consider BPD.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
GOZ I get what you are saying but at the same time Liubot is GBCSO and doesn't listen to advice anyway so what difference does it make if we tell her she fits the stereotype of a personality disorder?
I understand the intent is to be helpful. But, truly, if you're not qualified to make a diagnosis (even if you ARE qualified, no responsible mental health professional would do so over a message board), it's irresponsible and insulting to toss around the name of whatever disorder you might suspect someone has.
Regardless of whether or not she's coming back (and you know damn well that she logged out and is lurking right this very second), it makes me feel squicky. My dad's a shrink, and I used to work in the industry (though not the field -- I did P.R. for a nonprofit mental healthcare provider, I'm not a clinician), so it's something about which I'm very conscious.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Pet peeve.
I'm an outsider to this board, but I think the reason people are so hard on you is because its difficult for them to see you doing something they know will hurt you in the long run. Everyone has your best interests at hear, nobody is criticizing you for fun, literally everyone is worried that you are so deep in your own insecurities that you cannot pick someone good for you that you can permanently commit to right now.
I believe it was achase who pointed out that as you learn to like yourself and become the best version of yourself you will change. And you might as well give yourself the breathing room to change with your BF and see how he handles it and how your relationship becomes before you make a permanent commitment. Promise ring, engagement ring, marriage, all of them require you to consider someone else fully in the decisions you make. That's unfair to you right now because you need to be your primary focus. By not taking care of yourself first you're cheating yourself out of the possibility to be completely happy, with your BF or without him.
And as someone who took 6 years to get engaged, I do honestly believe that getting engaged quickly and without being fully ready to be married cheapens what the engagement is supposed to mean. It is supposed to mean you're ready to make a lifetime commitment to that person. Not being engaged does not mean you aren't committed or aren't moving in the same direction. It doesn't mean your relationship is inadequate. But why not wait until you are really 100% ready to be married before getting engaged; it will make the engagement more meaningful and significant.
Oh I agree 100% that no internet stranger should be diagnosing another internet stranger at all. I do not believe that was nmeirose's intent and it certainly wasn't mine. Even before I read nmeirose's response my initial thought was that the OP fit the description of someone who fits that disorder. I work in the MH field but I am not a counselor and I will be the first to admit I am not qualified to diagnose someone. No one was saying "you have this diagnosis" it was merely an honest opinion of what it sounds like. It was not meant to be insulting or irresponsible; just one stranger's opinion of another.
You talk about us being judgy, but reread the parts of YOUR post that I bolded. Judge much?
And, just to make it clear, most of the ladies on this board do not fall into your stereotype. My mommy and daddy didn't support me financially when I divroced. I cut back a ton so I could afford to keep my ds' life as "normal" as possible. That meant spending 75% of what I took home each month on rent and daycare alone and finding a way to pay every other bill with the other 25%. My parents didn't watch my son so I could go out and get a piece. My went on dates when my son was with his dad -- so I had 8 days a month to date and make time for my girlfriends. My parents watched my son when I had to work late. The only time they watched him for a date is if it was a special occasion like a birthday dinner or something. So don't lecture me about making sacrifices to make things work.
By the way, most "normal" adults don't cut themselves or smoke pot on a regular basis. Just a side note for you.
Finally, if your bf is so supportive and "the one" why do you have to do things so quickly. I know my bf is the one for me. We actually had a conversation the other night about when we each knew we wanted to spend our lives together. We were surprised to learn that it was around the same time for both of us (about the 6 month mark), but neither of us felt the need to rush into engagement. We have talked about the timeline for this. We want to try to have a child together, and he knows for personal health reasons I do not want to try much older than 40. I'm 36.5. He said he is ok with that timeline ... that's THREE years! If you know it's going to happen, and you know it's going to happen in a timeframe you are both ok with, why does it have to happen less than a year into your relationship? The answer is, it doesn't.
It's interesting how helll bent you are in only seeing the negative side to the advice you've been given. Sure there's been some snark thrown in there (and I've been guilty of it too) but mostly there has been solid advice from others who are concerned about the choices you are making in your life and the choices you CONTINUE to make.
When you posted about feeling better about things we praised you for it and tried to offer support when you conveyed that you were at the end of your rope. However, your inability to REALLY want to change is what has everyone here so frustrated. You aren't a victim of your circumstances and your life. Everyone has had hard times and gone through difficult things. It's how we react to them that depicts our future, going forward.
Even though you suffer from depression and obvious mental issues, you still have the choice to get help for it and you've received sound advice from others about inpatient treatment. Instead of taking that advice and being appreciative of the efforts that others have put in, in genuine attempts to help, you show your gratitude by throwing it all back in our faces and once again playing the victim.
Good luck with your life, I truly mean that. But, given everything that you've shared, I really cannot see a very bright future for you, unless you really take the time to get the help you need.
The bolded? Not normal.
Cutting oneself, smoking pot regularly, and the "other" things about you are not what 'normal people do, FYI. I'm lol'ing that you're apparently trying to claim that this board is sheltered because they don't cut themselves. Seriously? You need help, and lots of it. In all the lurking I've done on this board, I haven't seen even a shred of what you're trying to claim about the people on this board doing - not sacrificing, sending their kids off to their parents to 'get a piece', not being self-supporting...I don't think you've been reading the same board, honestly. From what I've read, the majority of posters here have made tons of sacrifices, have struggled greatly, love their children, and are good people. But you just keep trying to villify them, apparently that makes you feel better about yourself and your choices in life. Everyone here has done nothing but try to help you, you don't do it, and now you're all mad that they're throwing up their hands in disgust. I don't blame them.
At first I read your post and felt very sorry for you. Especially when you said people were mean to you. But then I looked back at your past posts and I found not one single person being mean to you. Alot of good advice. WHAT??? Wasn't what you wanted to hear and you didn't get your pat on the back?
Good luck to you....maybe come back in a few weeks when you have calmed down and read your posts and the comments again. I am sure you will see differently.
I doubt she will. I don't mean that to be snarky. It's just her pattern of not doing the hard work and looking inward. She'd rather call us poo-poo heads and throw up her hands in mock defeat that she doesn't want to be like us anyways. Blame others and play the victim...it's self-soothing, but won't get her very far.
She really said it all when she insinuated that there's no such thing as being alone by choice. It's literally not a concept she can grasp.