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Husband's comment on facebook photo
My husband commented on a very racy photo his coworker posted on facebook (her lying on a couch, short skirt, LOTS of cleavage). His exact comment: "Damn!"
I don't know if he didn't think I would see it or what....but there it was on my news feed when I logged on facebook. I immediately asked him about it, "What's this photo you commented on?"
He played dumb, "What photo?" So I showed it to him and he nonchalantly said, "Oh that's just one of my coworkers, she's trying to be a model."
I told him I didn't like him making comments like that on women's photos, especially if it's someone he sees at work every day.
He played it off like it was no big deal, and told me I was overreacting. He said it was unreasonable for us to never be attracted to other people. He even had the nerve to say he was just trying to pay her a compliment to make her feel better about herself, because she's been really "down on herself" lately.
I've tried to talk to him at length about this and I'm getting no where. I told him that looking at a beautiful woman is one thing, but when you are MARRIED, letting her know that you think she is sexy is just plain wrong. I let him know that it really hurt my feelings and I felt that it was disrespectful to me. I asked him how he would feel if the situation was reversed and I was the one telling coworkers that I thought they were sexy....he said it wouldn't bother him.
He refuses to apologize and claims he did nothing wrong. With most of our arguments I am always the one that gives in and tries to make peace, but I just don't think I can do that with this one. Problem is, I'm not sure where to go from here. We've been together 6 years (married for almost 2). Something in my gut keeps telling me not to back down on this one.
Any advice? Similar experiences?
Re: Husband's comment on facebook photo
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
Right?
I'd honestly be pretty ticked, especially that he was making comments that he knew (or didn't know, but found out) you could see. I also get that everyone looks at others when they're married, but come on.
I'd be more ticked that he completely invalidates your feelings and refuses to acknowledge that he did something that makes you uncomfortable. I wouldn't back down, but if you have a discussion with him, I'd use the "I" statements - "I feel uncomfortable with the comment you made on the photo"; "I think it's inappropriate", etc. If you just go on about what he did wrong, I doubt he'll ever think what he did was wrong, he'll just go on the defensive.
Your issue isn't with the facebook nonsense, it's with the fact that he's chasing his tail about how nuh uh it so IS okay for him to say things that could be sexual harassment to a coworker. Don't let the facebook stuff water down the crux of your argument.
If he really was clueless the conversation would have gone something like this:
You, "Hey hubby, what's this comment on FB?"
Hubby, "What comment?"
You, "Of this photo of your half naked co-worker..."
Hubby, "Oh, yeah, what about it?"
You, "Well, I think its creepy that you are posting that comment for all the world to see. It's one thing if you think it but another to say it where everyone can see, including me. It hurts my feelings."
Hubby, "Really???? OMG, I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'll delete it and it won't happen again. I'm a bonehead honey."
Since he tried to gaslight you instead and make you feel like this is your issue, you have a problem.
That's true, facebook is blamed for the demise of many marriages....but it's people, not a social networking site, that destroy relationships.
What really hurts is the fact that he is dismissing my feelings. I told him it was inappropriate and that it hurt me. He doesn't seem to care. He claims he was trying to make her feel better about herself....but what about how it would make me feel. Whose feelings are more important here....random coworker or wife?? Ugh.
Yes, I agree with this.
OP, I will share a story w/you. Approx 4-5 years ago, while DH & I were just dating & not even engaged yet, he worked with a girl who was inappropriate. I don't really know if she was just needy & attention-starved, or if she really was a home wrecker, but it doesn't really matter to me either way, she was off base.
DH is the nicest guy you will ever meet and can sometimes be naive and not realize when women flirt with him. This CW preyed on him right away. At first, it was just "nice" gestures, that were a little over the top IMO, and then it led to calling him at our home where we lived together, wanting to get together outside of work by telling him other CW's would be there but they weren't (she just wanted a 1-1 date w/DH).
DH never played into any of this, but it still bothered me that she was this way. Plus, the fact that they were CW's was unsettling to me too...what if one day she actually had the guts to make a move on DH and when he turned her down she went to HR saying that he sexually harrassed her?! There goes DH's whole reputation & career future!
So, basically, DH cut off ties with her. He would remain civil and brief with her at work and nothing more. He never even made small chat or jokes when they weren't busy. He obviously did not want her to be mislead.
The point is, in the beginning, DH really thought it was "innocent" and saw nothing wrong with her...then, as time went on, he started to see that she was inappropriate. He also knew that the whole thing bothered me and would never want to jeopardize what we have for a CW or make me feel uneasy. Even though I trust him completely, I don't necessarily trust other women. He acknowledged my feelings and that was that.
THIS was the reply I was hoping for.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say when you guys fight he flips things on you, makes them your fault and you wind up apologizing? Yes? Classic sign of someone who is emotionally abusive.
Even giving him the benefit of the doubt he is clearly oblivious to your feelings and unwilling to take your needs into account. I can't imagine DH telling another woman she was sexy or making a comment like "damn". Telling someone they are pretty, sure. Smart? Fine. Sexy? No.
Sadly, yes. Have suspected this in the past, but I always tell myself I am overreacting or being overly sensitive. Kind of feeling like an idiot right now.
Not entirely sure what your response to my comment is based on this....I do love Golden Girls though. The FB thing is really just a joke. I 100% believe it's just a tool and the person using it is responsible for their behavior. Just like guns - FB doesn't kill relationships, people do. It just seems to come up in almost every breakup or divorce these days.
I'm pretty sure she meant the bolded.
I thought maybe you were joking. I just like giving eye rolls to the statement that FB ruins relationships.
I would be pissed too if it was a coworker. However, I do not get pissed if my husband says another woman is attractive.
Ok, wasn't sure if I was supposed to catch the eye roll or the dismissive hand gesture. Both I guess
Hey, the point is here----> .
And you're here. Get a clue.
I think you should get half naked, wear some sexy clothes, do your hair and make-up, high heels...whole 9 yards...then ask H to takesome pics of you lying on counch, bed, etc...
when he asks what for tell him they are for FB and that you are not feeling so good about yourself since he is a douche...so in order to feel better about yourself you are going to post them on FB so some other guys can "make you feel better"
Hooray!
He will come around *real fast.*
I didn't read all the responses, but it sounds like all you need to do is repeat yourself once more asking him to "Just listen to my concerns one last time..." and then after he listens, tell him that you don't need a response, just needed to let him know how it made you feel.
Then drop it b/c he has heard your concern...well unless he keeps doing weirdly inappropriate things with social networking and your relationship.
Are you united with the CCOKCs?
I see nothing here to indicate that he has internalized her concern at all.
This is terrible advice.
Your H acted like an ass.
He should apologize & quit acting like a bonehead.
/gavel