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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Re: Want to redecorate but controlled by In-Laws. Help!
If his name isn't only the deed, they haven't given him a house.
It's his or it isn't. It's really that simple. Did they sort of give his brother a house too?
What I don't get is why it's even relevant that your husband's parents don't want you to move out. You know they don't get a say, right?
Stop doing what you don't want in order to make these people (including your husband) happy. You know they wouldn't, and don't, do the same for you.
Do you have a basement or an extra room? How much *stuff* is there? I'd just find places to hide it in the house. If you are going to paint it, just stick to neutral colors - then they can't be too mad when they eventually see it.
So they plan to transfer it to him one day? I'm really confused at their set-up.
In any case, I'd treat it like a rental until you are the legal owners.
Why don't you move to your own place? It is not his house unless his name is on the paperwork. Strike out on your own, be adults, and you will be able to do what you wish with your place. Right now, you are just living in their house. Nothing about this situation indicates that the house is a "gift".
Not sure if you're paying rent or not but if you aren't then you really can't do anything about it. You're living there for free so it's kinda like you are living with your ILs in a way.
If, however you are paying rent, then they are your landlords and you have every right to make changes.
I'm gonna guess you aren't paying rent because you would have said so. So you are either gonna have to suck it up or move out and pay rent in your own place that you can decorate your own way. maybe you can offer to buy the house from them.
I don't think "pretty much given" is legally binding. Look, if this is HIS house, HIS name should be on the deed and HE should have the balls to tell HIS mother "if this is MY house, I am going to decorate MY house with MY wife and YOU are going to have to deal".
And there is the root of all your problems. It's not a home issue, it's a mom/dad issue.
I bet the parents think that you'll panic that you'll have to find your own place and pay your own way and "they" decided this to shut you up about the re-decorating.
Get the hell out of there. Do it now. Don't turn back when they realize you are serious and offer to let you move a couch or something. Like you said, if they'd rather sell the house at a loss than "allow" you to change the curtains, you are living in a controling toxic environment.
Did you tell your DH about how you feel about the "upper mnagement" bit? That's really important.
And what did you mean about the "best neighborhood" part - did you mean he will use his parent's money to buy an expensive house? Or not move? This problem seems to be getting bigger. I would NOT take their money for the next house. Is that what he thinks he's going to do? So, they will pick the house, not you two?
I'm really sorry to hear this. I would be angry too. The two of you are a unit, and you need to make your life decisions together. It is a huge problem that he goes and makes important decisions without you based on what his parents say. I'm not saying you can never ask your parents for advice, but this is ridiculous. One spouse does not get to decide where you both are going to live. I think you both need counseling. I hope that moving out helps cut the cord, but its not looking great.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I suspect that the parents' understanding/intentions all along was that their son could live in the house at their convenience. They didn't get into this to provide him with a house; their primary goal was to buy this house as an investment. If they never decided to sell, he would eventually inherit the house -- in that sense, it was "his." They may have even played up the "it's YOUR house, son" to keep him close and dependent on them.
I think moving out of this house will be the best thing that's ever happened to your marriage.
He needs to hear your feelings about them being "upper management" loud and clear, and the two of you need your own space that's 100% independent from his parents.
You're the 3rd wheel in your own marriage. YOU have to budget so that you can move, but he doesn't? WTF? (BTW - you dont' have to BUY a house. You can move out and rent!)
He is clearly a momma's boy and they have control over him - he lives in their house, and he is taking their money for his business. Knowing the business part of it- moving is only going to fix some of this. You'll be able to decorate your home. But he'll still be under their thumb.
This IS absolutely a huge issue that goes past being able to decorate your home.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
The bolded are huge HUGE red flags. Seriously. He is not treating you as a true partner in this marriage or even like he values your opinion at all. You guys needs some serious counseling if you are going to work this out. This issue is only going to get worse as time goes on. Moving out won't fix his lack of communication.
Also, are his parents "investing" moeny in his new business? Because honey you have a whole 'nother problem if so. Their money clearly comes with strings and they are going to be making a hell of a lot of business decisions whether he likes or not. And God forbid you express some kind of opinion about his business. You know they aren't going to hear that. He needs to cut the cord.
Under these circumstances, I wouldn't wait to buy a house. I would look at apartments NOW and move.
I'd eat off of boxes and paper plates. Then I'd scrimp and save to buy the furniture I wanted. No, I wouldn't be living in my ILs museum while my husband flushed money down the drain and pretended to make a home with me.
And my ILs would be furious because I wasn't falling into line. And that would make me smile.
This is a relationship issue SOOO much bigger than the house.
This is goig to sound meaner than I'd like but, it took being beaten w/ a clue-by-four here to have you see the issue w/ a modicum of clarity and your husband still doesn't see it w/ any form of clarity...
It's time to find a good counselor. If either of you has an EAP through work, start there.
And remember, there's nothing as expensive as 'free' gifts. The rent may be zero in the way of dollars, but it can be huge in the cost to your independence, sanity, and soul.
Ok with this one I can totally relate!
My H and I are living in his Grandmas home. She has past away sadly. My MIL gave us the house to rent from her as a gift for us. The house is in my MIL name. It has been in the family now 3 generations. My MIL didn't want to sell it and she wanted to give us a cheaper place to save money for a bigger home,and for her to get money to pay for taxes and such. Cause we cannot afford a home quite yet. And it is better than an appartment.
My MIL did not want to change a thing. I was dying to. Not much just the knick nacks on the walls and wall paper. Most of the rooms its all wood. Can't stand it but I know my H Grandpa put it up by hand,so it has meaning. My MIL was trying to control how I decorated. It's a VERY small home. And with all her ideas it would A(look like how grandma had it and B( WAY too cluttered.
Thank GOD I had her cousin who she is close to tell her "It is their home now,not yours". And her cousin started to clear things out when my DH grandma past. I was there for my MIL when she needed me when her mom was starting to go. I do miss Grandma dearly and think of her all the time. I did not however help with moving things out. I didn't feel it was my place to do so. But I did try to go to the hospital to visit when Grandma was there. I was there for my MIL with the final payment for the funeral home or whatever else she needed support with. And even let her cry and vent how she felt. Seeing she is an only child.
I personally would talk things over with my husband to start to set boundries with your MIL. But say it like it his idea not yours,so it doesnt sound like your the only one with the problem. Make out it is your MIL who has an issue wih you both,cause she does. Like how she doesnt see it as YOUR home,not just your DH. It is YOUR home. Yes you rent,so do I. I told my MIL I'll be redoing the kitchen walls and the bathroom. Showed her my ideas. I collect blue willow,which is blue and white. She thought it would be nice. But I know it bugs her. But we both know where we stand with eachother. She has learned by her cousin to let go. Your MIL has to let go and just relax. It's not like your going to pound walls out or anything. You want it to have you and your DH touch.
I'll give you an example one how I would word things during the wedding process,cause my MIL made that a "Lovely" year (sarcasm).
Phone call-
MIL "Heather (me) I was thinking of getting a black dress,I know I already bought a soft tan/gold dress,but I really think I should do all black....ALL blllllllllack. Well really I already bought it and I think I look great. It's allllll blllllllllack. What do you think?" Me "Perfect
". later on that week. Me"Honey,what did you think of your moms black dress?" DH "Meh I dunno" Me very soft sweet voice "I don't know how I would feel if my mom showed me she didn't want me to get married. I mean black? Her first dress looked great on her 
! I would feel awful if my mom did that to me. But hey,your mom said she looked great in it." DH thinking. Later the following week he threw a fit about it. I got my way secretly. I do that often now.
I hope things work out. To bad I couldn't send my MIL cousin to talk to your MIL lol.