Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: My TIP (warning: long)
Tell him to close his eye and point his finger and his list of therapists. Then schedule an appointment with that person. You guys need to start somewhere. He could do all the research in the world, but until you actually sit down with the person, you don't know if it'll be the right fit (I know you know this).
I would tell him "we need an appointment with a therapist, any therapist, by next Wednesday. I don't care how you pick the person... just do it".
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
I am a therapist, and my husband is prone to depression. His is more seasonal in nature so it's not constant, but when we first started dating, he said something very ugly to me. Unfortunately it's burned into my ears forever. Since then he's done everything he could think of to let me know that it wasn't true, and on one level I believe him... but of course you can't just un-hear certain things and move on. It was bad enough that we broke up for a while over it. He told me later that he said it to push me away so he would stop disappointing me.
My point is, people say and do terrible things when they're in pain. I'm sure it's a lot easier for him to think "the problem is my marriage" than "the problem is my wiring is bad." Don't make any major decisions while one partner has clinical depression.
Also, Idk if I'm in the minority here, but unless you've already decided to divorce, I don't see why you need to stop having sex. Sex is a great way to bond to each other and create some positive in an otherwise strained relationship. When my H and I have regular sex, we are always in a much better place emotionally.
I'm in this camp. You bring a lot to the table, while it seems from an outside perspective like he's just a big old burden. I think you can do better.
Gooser, stopping having sex is a good idea to prevent an accidental pregnancy.
I'm sorry you are going through this tough time in your marriage, Jessimau! I really hope the individual therapy is able to do something positive for your H's self-esteem and how he feels about himself so that y'all can get to couples' therapy ASAP.
I also hope that you don't have to go through a divorce.
I don't know what to say about the sex part. Since its been lacking in your marriage I can't say its a good thing to abstain completely, but at the same time it could be just a temporary patch without completely addressing the underlying issues. Does sex make you feel closer? Or you do you think its just compulsive on both of your parts?
*Great big hugs, T&P for you. We are here if you need to rant.*
First, I must say my heart goes out to you!!! (((HUGS)))
I hear you and your concern about his possible depression. I understand it very well. My FI went through a similar withdrawal about a year ago. I too found it to be indictive of depressive behavior. I was concerned for him, and for us. I saw him detaching himself from not only me but everyone. He would glue himself to his computer and play computer games. He was not interested in anything at all and was very down on himself - he did tell me that he didn't even understand his own self or feelings at the time. - Long story short, we made it through and he bounced back. We did take a break for a few weeks but we were not yet married or even engaged.
But here I want to renew your hope. I know it is difficult when he says things that have hurt you. (At that time my FI did as well- he later addmitted that he said hurtful things to hurt me to push me away because he didn't feel he deserved me. He was scared and confused.) When men experience depression, it is very difficult for them to deal with- difficult for anyone really- but men tend to supress it more than women. I had done a lot of research about it.
I do not have the answers hun but it sounds like you genuinely love him very much (I now the man I married is in there somewhere) I agree with you, He Is! I believe this is just a phase and you will wor through it. I know how hard it can be, but the love of your life is worth it.
I would wait it out as long as you possibly can handle it- I believe that your love is true and you married him for forever - through sickness and in health - through good and bad.. It is difficult, I understand. But it will all work out.
Have you ever watched the movie The Seceret? If not, you can get it on netflix on a free trial then cancel. It may at least give you a little hope.
Going to keep you and your situation in my prayers if that is okay.
Ditto this ditto. {{{Jessimau}}}
Thank you again ladies.
He sent me gchats today (well, yesterday now, technically) letting me know that he found someone and scheduled for next Wednesday at 11 am. He's been sweet and all of a sudden tonight is irritable with me and telling me he needs space. The swings are really hard to deal with. I'd asked to spend a little time with him because I wanted to talk about the weekend. Mostly to let him know I'm going to be mostly making my own plans.
Muddled, you asked how he could call so many and not have an appointment scheduled. He's had previous negative experiences in therapy, so this was his first time calling around to actually find someone he thought was a good fit.
I'm still having moments of wanting to punch him in the face and wanting to remind him who the only person is who's stuck by him no matter what over the last 11 years. Ugh. I need to try to get some sleep. The emotional chill combined with the cooler temperatures is leading to full-body shivers again.
This makes me mad. I think someone should be sticking by YOU no matter what, you know?
Picking up the phone is the most impossible thing for me to do. It's my worst nightmare to have to call and call and have nothing to show for it. BUt this isn't about me.I'm glad that he has an appointment with someone and I hope it's someone who sticks.
As for you, I hope that you have the kind of weekend that puts some perspective on things. I hope you emerge from it renewed and refreshed with a new sense of peace. I don't know if that is completely possible sans a trip to, say, Costa Rica, but it's my wish for you regardless.
Big bear hugs.
I think I've said this a ton, but I'll say it again: Thank you.
Kuus, I agree. Last night I got angry and told him that if he loses me he'll regret it for the rest of his life. I also told him he needed to think about who's stood by him no matter what for the last 11 years, who's stuck up for him and supported him.
I later apologized for the way I said it because it was said meanly, though I still think the content was valid.
We had another moment of closeness this morning. Now he's pulled away and is acting cold towards me. He admits we're both on a roller coaster. Right now he doesn't think he owes me anything because he's sorting himself out. He still says he doesn't think our marriage is salvageable, yet he's still going to see an individual therapist because he respects the institution of marriage. I want to slap him.
I'm planning on spending time with my parents this weekend. I don't know how helpful it will be, but maybe it will help me feel more rested and recharged. Maybe I can even talk my mom into us going for massages.
Sorry, Jess. He's being a complete toolbag. You're along for the ride, but he's driving and he knows it -- does he care where he's taking the two of you?
Take care of yourself, please. You're a great person, a warm person, a caring person, and a smart person, and you deserve happiness, peace, contentment, and comfort each day and every day of your life. Many people feel this in their marriages, and their spouses deeply want for the other to feel these things from them also.
Thank you fuss. There was a time I felt happiness, peace, contentment, and comfort with him every day. Before the depression got so bad. I swear he's scared of something and that's why he pulls away. But he is being a toolbag. I told him he does owe me explanations/information because we're still married and I'm still his wife.
He brings up moving out whenever it seems like he's hurt me too much. I haven't said no don't recently, I just give him this look because it seems like a pretty classic push-pull tactic.
I think time with my parents doing things we enjoy will be helpful.
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes