MIL is a drain on my financial sanity

dannisayz13 · March 2012

My mortgage includes our property taxes and homeowners insurance. As you live in Weschester County, you know how expensive Long Island is. We are both school teachers and make a good living. Our salaries when totaled together are approx. $150k. In addition to teaching, we both tutor and take on extras within our district to bring our income to $150k/year.

ReturnOfKuus · March 2012

You keep talking about how your husband allowed himself to get into this mess, but you say nothing about how YOU allowed YOURSELF to get into this mess. You knowingly, willingly got involved with and then married a man in debt up to his eyeballs, who lets his family freeload off of him. You didn't have to do this. Yeah, sure, he's a nice guy and all, but there are a lot of nice guys in the world, especially ones with no debt or freeloaders.

dannisayz13 · March 2012

I don't claim innocence in any of it. I recognize my mistake which is why I asked for help in the matter. I fell in love with the whole person, including his faults and accepted the fact that I was going to have to work with him on fixing them. This is a man who would freely use his credit card on everything and not be able to pay it all back at the end of the month. In six years, he now pays off his credit card balances in full if he needed to use it. Otherwise, the cards are locked up in a safe. He makes a budget of our finances for every month and goes over it with me. It's just *this* hurdle we haven't been able to surmount.

MarynJoe · March 2012

dannisayz13:

4. I spoke with DH last night again about my concerns. He has agreed that he will collect money from her and make the mortgage payment himself so they are on time. He also agreed to talk to the responsible SIL first about how they should move forward with the house and their mother. He also began to look at condos/co-ops for MIL to possibly move into upon sale of her home.

He doesn't need to talk to anyone about selling the house outside of telling them that it is going to happen as soon as he gets in touch with a realtor. If he gets involved with looking at condos/co-ops for your MIL, she'll drag him back into the middle of it, he'll start feeling guilty, and he'll start offering financial help. DH needs to stay out of that issue and let his sisters help their mother for once. He need to 100% totally and completely stay out of financial issues with his mom. No loans, so co-signing, to cash gifts, no nothing. The minute he does, she'll bring him down again.

I don't think your DH is a slimeball. I think he has been taken advantage of and is afraid to stand up to his family.

ReturnOfKuus · March 2012

dannisayz13:
I don't claim innocence in any of it. I recognize my mistake which is why I asked for help in the matter. I fell in love with the whole person, including his faults and accepted the fact that I was going to have to work with him on fixing them. This is a man who would freely use his credit card on everything and not be able to pay it all back at the end of the month. In six years, he now pays off his credit card balances in full if he needed to use it. Otherwise, the cards are locked up in a safe. He makes a budget of our finances for every month and goes over it with me. It's just *this* hurdle we haven't been able to surmount.

It's not love when the person is a project, someone you go into the relationship aiming to "fix".

livinitup · March 2012

This isn't complicated at all. Your husband took a 100k loan and used his mother's home to secure it. He has a legal obligation to repay it in full. I suppose she applied for the mortgage but she needed him (and his good credit) to co-sign? He took about a third of the cash to pay off his student loans. And they have some loose agreement that he pay a portion of the mortgage payment each month ($500) and she pays the rest. It doesn't matter that he paid back the portion that he 'used' on himself. In every legal sense he owes the FULL amount. He has signed legal documents to that fact. He made fully enforceable promises to lenders to that fact. If his mother's name is on the loan then she's on the hook- legally, too. He cannot undo it. And I can not imagine ghat your MIL has any incentive to repay this by selling the house. And legally, since he doesn't own the house, he can't "make" her sell it to pay-off the loan. Your husband is completely at her mercy for her to pay her portion each month or sell the house to pay it in full. Your DH has no legal grounds to make her do either. And while I sympathize ghat the $500 is a hardship for him to pay each month, he actually owes much more. No matter the deal he has with his mother, he really has the legal obligation to pay the full amount each month. If he wants to protect his credit, then HE needs to pay it in full each month. If he can't or won't then he's back to being at his mother's mercy to pay the rest of it each month. That's the deal he made when he signed the papers. No one fooled him or tricked him. He knew he needed his mother to do her part or he would suffer the consequences. It doesn't matter the house is still a mess. It doesn't matter that the loan money was wasted. It still needs to be re-paid. And good lord don't borrow any more. It matters that you set a plan to repay it. I suppose it would be great if he told his mother that he was "done" making any more payments and she agreed to take on the monthly payment in full. And it would be great if she paid it on time each month. But if she doesn't, you two have to have a plan to deal with this. If you already have a mortgage and re-financed all the loans you plan to and have all the loans you need (like cars) then his credit can take the hit. As in, you don't need a stellar credit score to live your life. Or you need to be prepared to pay the full amount to keep your credit high. If my name was on a motgage each month, I'd be making sure I paid it in full, on time each month and then collected whatever portion my 'partner' agreed to give me. Your DH is insane to hope and wish that his mother does this. Especially because she has NOT done it more than once. It's quite simple.

dannisayz13 · March 2012

His faults, in this case, were his lack of understanding on financial issues. I don't think that's a bad thing to "fix," especially when his "role model" is my MIL - the woman who can blow over $100K in less than 6 years.

dannisayz13 · March 2012

livinitup:
This isn't complicated at all. Your husband took a 100k loan and used his mother's home to secure it. He has a legal obligation to repay it in full. I suppose she applied for the mortgage but she needed him (and his good credit) to co-sign? He took about a third of the cash to pay off his student loans. And they have some loose agreement that he pay a portion of the mortgage payment each month ($500) and she pays the rest. It doesn't matter that he paid back the portion that he 'used' on himself. In every legal sense he owes the FULL amount. He has signed legal documents to that fact. He made fully enforceable promises to lenders to that fact. If his mother's name is on the loan then she's on the hook- legally, too. He cannot undo it. And I can not imagine ghat your MIL has any incentive to repay this by selling the house. And legally, since he doesn't own the house, he can't "make" her sell it to pay-off the loan. Your husband is completely at her mercy for her to pay her portion each month or sell the house to pay it in full. Your DH has no legal grounds to make her do either. And while I sympathize ghat the $500 is a hardship for him to pay each month, he actually owes much more. No matter the deal he has with his mother, he really has the legal obligation to pay the full amount each month. If he wants to protect his credit, then HE needs to pay it in full each month. If he can't or won't then he's back to being at his mother's mercy to pay the rest of it each month. That's the deal he made when he signed the papers. No one fooled him or tricked him. He knew he needed his mother to do her part or he would suffer the consequences. It doesn't matter the house is still a mess. It doesn't matter that the loan money was wasted. It still needs to be re-paid. And good lord don't borrow any more. It matters that you set a plan to repay it. I suppose it would be great if he told his mother that he was "done" making any more payments and she agreed to take on the monthly payment in full. And it would be great if she paid it on time each month. But if she doesn't, you two have to have a plan to deal with this. If you already have a mortgage and re-financed all the loans you plan to and have all the loans you need (like cars) then his credit can take the hit. As in, you don't need a stellar credit score to live your life. Or you need to be prepared to pay the full amount to keep your credit high. If my name was on a motgage each month, I'd be making sure I paid it in full, on time each month and then collected whatever portion my 'partner' agreed to give me. Your DH is insane to hope and wish that his mother does this. Especially because she has NOT done it more than once. It's quite simple.

Thank you for understanding the situation for what it is. DH *does* have his name on the mortgage, however the house is jointly owned with MIL. Her name is *not* on the mortgage because she has *no* credit (I believe her credit score is in the 500 range).

livinitup · March 2012

If they both have their name on the title of the house, then DH can't sell it without her permission. At best he could try to get the courts to allow a 'forced sale' bug that is expensive and very complicated. Considering the "mess" that the house is on - can you get a buyer to pay more than what is owed on the mortgages?

ReturnOfKuus · March 2012

dannisayz13:
His faults, in this case, were his lack of understanding on financial issues. I don't think that's a bad thing to "fix," especially when his "role model" is my MIL - the woman who can blow over $100K in less than 6 years.

Statistically speaking, money is the #1 cause of divorce. You know this, right?

dannisayz13 · March 2012

livinitup:
If they both have their name on the title of the house, then DH can't sell it without her permission. At best he could try to get the courts to allow a 'forced sale' bug that is expensive and very complicated. Considering the "mess" that the house is on - can you get a buyer to pay more than what is owed on the mortgages?

We can get more than what is owed. DH, SILS, MIL, and myself would have to do a *major* clean-up, but it's manageable. Home prices on Long Island are all over the place, but we could get enough to cover the mortgage and get her into a 55+ condo with the remaining money. We wouldn't put our names on any new loan or lease or anything for her. After the house is sold, she's on her own. DH already agreed to this with me privately. He just needs to work up the nerve to tell her the house needs to be sold.

MarynJoe · March 2012

dannisayz13:

livinitup:
This isn't complicated at all. Your husband took a 100k loan and used his mother's home to secure it. He has a legal obligation to repay it in full. I suppose she applied for the mortgage but she needed him (and his good credit) to co-sign? He took about a third of the cash to pay off his student loans. And they have some loose agreement that he pay a portion of the mortgage payment each month ($500) and she pays the rest. It doesn't matter that he paid back the portion that he 'used' on himself. In every legal sense he owes the FULL amount. He has signed legal documents to that fact. He made fully enforceable promises to lenders to that fact. If his mother's name is on the loan then she's on the hook- legally, too. He cannot undo it. And I can not imagine ghat your MIL has any incentive to repay this by selling the house. And legally, since he doesn't own the house, he can't "make" her sell it to pay-off the loan. Your husband is completely at her mercy for her to pay her portion each month or sell the house to pay it in full. Your DH has no legal grounds to make her do either. And while I sympathize ghat the $500 is a hardship for him to pay each month, he actually owes much more. No matter the deal he has with his mother, he really has the legal obligation to pay the full amount each month. If he wants to protect his credit, then HE needs to pay it in full each month. If he can't or won't then he's back to being at his mother's mercy to pay the rest of it each month. That's the deal he made when he signed the papers. No one fooled him or tricked him. He knew he needed his mother to do her part or he would suffer the consequences. It doesn't matter the house is still a mess. It doesn't matter that the loan money was wasted. It still needs to be re-paid. And good lord don't borrow any more. It matters that you set a plan to repay it. I suppose it would be great if he told his mother that he was "done" making any more payments and she agreed to take on the monthly payment in full. And it would be great if she paid it on time each month. But if she doesn't, you two have to have a plan to deal with this. If you already have a mortgage and re-financed all the loans you plan to and have all the loans you need (like cars) then his credit can take the hit. As in, you don't need a stellar credit score to live your life. Or you need to be prepared to pay the full amount to keep your credit high. If my name was on a motgage each month, I'd be making sure I paid it in full, on time each month and then collected whatever portion my 'partner' agreed to give me. Your DH is insane to hope and wish that his mother does this. Especially because she has NOT done it more than once. It's quite simple.

Thank you for understanding the situation for what it is. DH *does* have his name on the mortgage, however the house is jointly owned with MIL. Her name is *not* on the mortgage because she has *no* credit (I believe her credit score is in the 500 range).

If DH's name is the only name of the mortagage, then HE owns the house. He doesn't jointly own anything with MIL. Maybe there's a verbal agreement, but that doesn't hold up legally or financially.

This all comes down to one thing: HE OWNS THE HOUSE SO HE MAKES ALL THE DECISIONS. PERIOD.

dannisayz13 · March 2012

ReturnOfKuus:
dannisayz13:
His faults, in this case, were his lack of understanding on financial issues. I don't think that's a bad thing to "fix," especially when his "role model" is my MIL - the woman who can blow over $100K in less than 6 years.

Statistically speaking, money is the #1 cause of divorce. You know this, right?

I'm very aware. It's the main reason I want this issue nipped in the bud now, rather than when we're ready to have kids (which we're not).

MarynJoe · March 2012

Also, when HE sells the house, he owes MIL NOTHING. He's basically been her landlord and that's about it. He does not owe her a condo, apartment, co-op, or anything else. She was given money, she bought crap, she bought her daughter a car. She blew her money and that's her problem. Again, your DH OWES YOUR MIL NO MONEY! NONE!!

Juris11 · March 2012

MarynJoe:
dannisayz13:

livinitup:
This isn't complicated at all. Your husband took a 100k loan and used his mother's home to secure it. He has a legal obligation to repay it in full. I suppose she applied for the mortgage but she needed him (and his good credit) to co-sign? He took about a third of the cash to pay off his student loans. And they have some loose agreement that he pay a portion of the mortgage payment each month ($500) and she pays the rest. It doesn't matter that he paid back the portion that he 'used' on himself. In every legal sense he owes the FULL amount. He has signed legal documents to that fact. He made fully enforceable promises to lenders to that fact. If his mother's name is on the loan then she's on the hook- legally, too. He cannot undo it. And I can not imagine ghat your MIL has any incentive to repay this by selling the house. And legally, since he doesn't own the house, he can't "make" her sell it to pay-off the loan. Your husband is completely at her mercy for her to pay her portion each month or sell the house to pay it in full. Your DH has no legal grounds to make her do either. And while I sympathize ghat the $500 is a hardship for him to pay each month, he actually owes much more. No matter the deal he has with his mother, he really has the legal obligation to pay the full amount each month. If he wants to protect his credit, then HE needs to pay it in full each month. If he can't or won't then he's back to being at his mother's mercy to pay the rest of it each month. That's the deal he made when he signed the papers. No one fooled him or tricked him. He knew he needed his mother to do her part or he would suffer the consequences. It doesn't matter the house is still a mess. It doesn't matter that the loan money was wasted. It still needs to be re-paid. And good lord don't borrow any more. It matters that you set a plan to repay it. I suppose it would be great if he told his mother that he was "done" making any more payments and she agreed to take on the monthly payment in full. And it would be great if she paid it on time each month. But if she doesn't, you two have to have a plan to deal with this. If you already have a mortgage and re-financed all the loans you plan to and have all the loans you need (like cars) then his credit can take the hit. As in, you don't need a stellar credit score to live your life. Or you need to be prepared to pay the full amount to keep your credit high. If my name was on a motgage each month, I'd be making sure I paid it in full, on time each month and then collected whatever portion my 'partner' agreed to give me. Your DH is insane to hope and wish that his mother does this. Especially because she has NOT done it more than once. It's quite simple.

Thank you for understanding the situation for what it is. DH *does* have his name on the mortgage, however the house is jointly owned with MIL. Her name is *not* on the mortgage because she has *no* credit (I believe her credit score is in the 500 range).

If DH's name is the only name of the mortagage, then HE owns the house. He doesn't jointly own anything with MIL. Maybe there's a verbal agreement, but that doesn't hold up legally or financially.

This all comes down to one thing: HE OWNS THE HOUSE SO HE MAKES ALL THE DECISIONS. PERIOD.

Not true though. She said MIL's name is on the deed. If that is true, he cannot sell it without her signing off on it. He is the only one on the hook for the money, but he doesn't own the house in full.

dannisayz13 · March 2012

MarynJoe:
dannisayz13:

livinitup:
This isn't complicated at all. Your husband took a 100k loan and used his mother's home to secure it. He has a legal obligation to repay it in full. I suppose she applied for the mortgage but she needed him (and his good credit) to co-sign? He took about a third of the cash to pay off his student loans. And they have some loose agreement that he pay a portion of the mortgage payment each month ($500) and she pays the rest. It doesn't matter that he paid back the portion that he 'used' on himself. In every legal sense he owes the FULL amount. He has signed legal documents to that fact. He made fully enforceable promises to lenders to that fact. If his mother's name is on the loan then she's on the hook- legally, too. He cannot undo it. And I can not imagine ghat your MIL has any incentive to repay this by selling the house. And legally, since he doesn't own the house, he can't "make" her sell it to pay-off the loan. Your husband is completely at her mercy for her to pay her portion each month or sell the house to pay it in full. Your DH has no legal grounds to make her do either. And while I sympathize ghat the $500 is a hardship for him to pay each month, he actually owes much more. No matter the deal he has with his mother, he really has the legal obligation to pay the full amount each month. If he wants to protect his credit, then HE needs to pay it in full each month. If he can't or won't then he's back to being at his mother's mercy to pay the rest of it each month. That's the deal he made when he signed the papers. No one fooled him or tricked him. He knew he needed his mother to do her part or he would suffer the consequences. It doesn't matter the house is still a mess. It doesn't matter that the loan money was wasted. It still needs to be re-paid. And good lord don't borrow any more. It matters that you set a plan to repay it. I suppose it would be great if he told his mother that he was "done" making any more payments and she agreed to take on the monthly payment in full. And it would be great if she paid it on time each month. But if she doesn't, you two have to have a plan to deal with this. If you already have a mortgage and re-financed all the loans you plan to and have all the loans you need (like cars) then his credit can take the hit. As in, you don't need a stellar credit score to live your life. Or you need to be prepared to pay the full amount to keep your credit high. If my name was on a motgage each month, I'd be making sure I paid it in full, on time each month and then collected whatever portion my 'partner' agreed to give me. Your DH is insane to hope and wish that his mother does this. Especially because she has NOT done it more than once. It's quite simple.

Thank you for understanding the situation for what it is. DH *does* have his name on the mortgage, however the house is jointly owned with MIL. Her name is *not* on the mortgage because she has *no* credit (I believe her credit score is in the 500 range).

If DH's name is the only name of the mortagage, then HE owns the house. He doesn't jointly own anything with MIL. Maybe there's a verbal agreement, but that doesn't hold up legally or financially.

This all comes down to one thing: HE OWNS THE HOUSE SO HE MAKES ALL THE DECISIONS. PERIOD.

Both names are on the title/deed to the home.

MarynJoe · March 2012

All I can think at this point is, "What in the hell was he thinking?????"

dannisayz13 · March 2012

MarynJoe:
All I can think at this point is, "What in the hell was he thinking?????"

I ask that same question all the time. He asks that question all the time. Every time we talk about this issue, he gets depressed because he knows he messed up.

dannisayz13 · March 2012

Also, please know that I am in no way attempting to make excuses for anyone involved in this nightmare. I just feel it is important to clarify for understanding.

I'd also like to apologize for the poor grammar on one of my previous posts. TheNest.com is blocked at work, so I was typing on my iPhone.

livinitup · March 2012

It's not a nightmare, it's a finacial liability. It also sounds like she's making the payments as agreed and you said it hasn't hurt his credit (yet). The worry is if that changes, and with no income, that could be a realit, rather quickly. You just need a plan and clear expectations - and follow-through.

And that bit about your DH getting "depressed" when this topic comes up - well, that's kind of you, but it sounds like he's just 'shutting down' and letting the whole messy topic wash over without really dealing with it. Again, you are being kind, but don't let the topic blow over without a good game-plan to deal with it. Does he have an agreement with his mother for repayment? Is it written down? -or just something they talked about a while back? What about that car? Is your mother going to make payments against that 20K? - his sister? If it's written down, is it signed? - official?

Is she willing to sell the home? - if so, when? If she has no credit how will she finance the move?

I don't mean to be a pain, but these are just a few things that jump-out.

dannisayz13 · March 2012

livinitup:
It's not a nightmare, it's a finacial liability. It also sounds like she's making the payments as agreed and you said it hasn't hurt his credit (yet). The worry is if that changes, and with no income, that could be a realit, rather quickly. You just need a plan and clear expectations - and follow-through.

And that bit about your DH getting "depressed" when this topic comes up - well, that's kind of you, but it sounds like he's just 'shutting down' and letting the whole messy topic wash over without really dealing with it. Again, you are being kind, but don't let the topic blow over without a good game-plan to deal with it. Does he have an agreement with his mother for repayment? Is it written down? -or just something they talked about a while back? What about that car? Is your mother going to make payments against that 20K? - his sister? If it's written down, is it signed? - official?

Is she willing to sell the home? - if so, when? If she has no credit how will she finance the move?

I don't mean to be a pain, but these are just a few things that jump-out.

There is only a verbal agreement, but DH has records of all the money that he owes towards the agreement. My SIL will never pay for the car. She's a leech and DH knows it. As far as we're aware right now, she thinks she's staying in that house until she drops dead. However, she's in for a rude awakening. The move will be financed with the remaining money from the sale of the house as the mortgage isn't for the full price of the house and there would be plenty for her to get a 1-2 bedroom co-op or 55+ condo community. Leech SIL could even live with her for all I care. All I know is, and DH knows it to, she's *not* living here. He already knows that I *will* leave if his mother ever sets foot in our home with the intention of living here.

livinitup · March 2012

dannisayz13:
livinitup:

It's not a nightmare, it's a finacial liability. It also sounds like she's making the payments as agreed and you said it hasn't hurt his credit (yet). The worry is if that changes, and with no income, that could be a realit, rather quickly. You just need a plan and clear expectations - and follow-through.

And that bit about your DH getting "depressed" when this topic comes up - well, that's kind of you, but it sounds like he's just 'shutting down' and letting the whole messy topic wash over without really dealing with it. Again, you are being kind, but don't let the topic blow over without a good game-plan to deal with it. Does he have an agreement with his mother for repayment? Is it written down? -or just something they talked about a while back? What about that car? Is your mother going to make payments against that 20K? - his sister? If it's written down, is it signed? - official?

Is she willing to sell the home? - if so, when? If she has no credit how will she finance the move?

I don't mean to be a pain, but these are just a few things that jump-out.

There is only a verbal agreement, but DH has records of all the money that he owes towards the agreement. My SIL will never pay for the car. She's a leech and DH knows it. As far as we're aware right now, she thinks she's staying in that house until she drops dead. However, she's in for a rude awakening. The move will be financed with the remaining money from the sale of the house as the mortgage isn't for the full price of the house and there would be plenty for her to get a 1-2 bedroom co-op or 55+ condo community. Leech SIL could even live with her for all I care. All I know is, and DH knows it to, she's *not* living here. He already knows that I *will* leave if his mother ever sets foot in our home with the intention of living here.

That's a lot of pronouns. I lost track of who "she" was several times. Maybe MIL, maybe SIL. Who's in for a rude awakening - your SIL?

Anyway, why would your SIL move into a 55+ year old community? That was your plan from an earlier post. You also said that your MIL had little to no credit, so I'm not sure how she'd finance her next move into said community.

I'm not trying to be difficult, just realistic. These people are inter-connected and while that is clearly dysfunctional, it also WORKS for them, so you can't ignore it.

Several people need new housing ... as well as totally new ways of adapting to the world, before you are out from under this debt - I just hope you are realistic about their options - and yours.

lanyac · March 2012

dannisayz13:
6. DH will be getting an ultimatum if this situation is not acted upon soon. I don't want a divorce, but I think hearing the words in a serious context may be the only thing to wake him up. I'm tired of his excuse of, "you can't make me choose against my family." I'm part Italian. I know the family first argument too well. It doesn't mean I give into their every desire. However, I want divorce to be my last option as DH is trying. Don't make him out to be a slime ball when you've never met him and only have this one story from me to go upon.

Dont threaten if you're not prepared to follow through.

EastCoastBride · March 2012

lanyac:
dannisayz13:

6. DH will be getting an ultimatum if this situation is not acted upon soon. I don't want a divorce, but I think hearing the words in a serious context may be the only thing to wake him up. I'm tired of his excuse of, "you can't make me choose against my family." I'm part Italian. I know the family first argument too well. It doesn't mean I give into their every desire. However, I want divorce to be my last option as DH is trying. Don't make him out to be a slime ball when you've never met him and only have this one story from me to go upon.

Dont threaten if you're not prepared to follow through.

This. What if it doesn't wake him up? If you dont' follow through, then he'll know your words mean nothing....

Princess_Lily · March 2012

This is a great example of why David Ramsey explains not to lend money to friends or family, ever. Resentment is building.

You can't change the past, but you can change your future.

IMHO I would suggest to take over the payments 100%. Explain to the bank your situation, and maybe they could reduce the payments to be more manageable for your household. In truth your DH took out a loan, no one else (unless he had a cosigner). Take over the payments, and don't lend out money to these people anymore.

dove1dove · March 2012

Oh my gosh this is complicated... and somehow hits home a little bit for me. Take or leave whatever advice I give- but the truth is, this is more complicated than any advice you can get anywhere. The reason: you can only control your actions- not your husbands.

So, my first question here is this: is your husband's name the ONLY one on the mortgage- or is hers on it as well? This answer opens up his options. He has a lot more authority and responsibility and options if his name is the only one on the deed. However, I'm assuming it's both of their names. In this case, I would advise him to calculate how much he needed initially, how much he has paid, and create a written example of how his debt to her should be considered paid off by now. If he can convince her, which is going to be hard if she's anything like my MIL, what needs to happen then is she needs to refinance and take his name off the title- so that his responsibility is expunged. It's a long process.

I would also in a way create a presentation. I know this sounds a little much- but perhaps she needs to be treated like a child. So what I would do is: create a log of log of how much he has paid and why is should be considered even by now- then to guilt trip her (because that's exactly what this is, and a method my husband and I have used) I would create a list of what you and your husband's goals are. What you want for yourself, how you plan to get it, and why continuing to pay her interferes with this plan. If she wants her son to be happy and continue making a productive life for himself, he needs to settle the score with her. If she is not content to settle the debt, then perhaps you should ask her what would make all of this settled for her. What are her expectations. In this curcumstance, you are creating a negotiation. And once everything is in writing- and a time frame created, then once it has passed, she needs to honor her word and refinance, taking him out of the responsibility. And once its done. Never again lend her money.

This could be tricky- and you have to go about it the right way. Also, the original reason for the loan was never aquired (a new kitchen), and he needs to point out that he can't refinance again with her in order to do the kitchen because she used the money elsewhere and that was her choice. Her fault. So she needs to live with her decision.

I hope this helped. I know this can be hard. My MIL borrowed/took money from my husband all the time. It took a lot for me to pull him away from giving her so much since she was never using the money as she told him she was. It's hard for men. It's hard for them to not take care of ALL the women in their life. I personally, had to do a lot of the work myself- creating and expalining results, then letting him act them out. Men don't always come up with the solutions. And they need a push to take action. Unfortunately, the downfall might be the relationship between you and your MIL. In my situation, I never got involved with her personally. I worked on helping my husband behind the scenes. And she knew it. And when he stopped being a financial source for her she resented me for it. And she hasn't stopped. You might want to prepare yourself. Keep your mouth shut around her, be nice, and be supportive of your husband. Hopefully he'll make the right choice- and listen to the woman he promised himself to. Good luck.

dove1dove · March 2012

Also, I just want to say, don't give up. From what I've read, you've already made progress with him and that gives you hope for more progress. Be patient, supportive, and loving to your husband. I know it causes stress, arguement, and sometimes even animosity. But never forget WHY you married him.

I'm vouching for you, because I'm a little shocked at how some people have responded. All this talk of divorse, and the critisism of you for marrying him knowing his financial faults to begin with really disgust me. YOU LOVE WHO YOU LOVE. And that's not to say sometimes that a relationship isn't worth it (as in abusive relationships... we can be blinded, and need that reality check)- but I feel like this isn't the case for you. People look at divorse as an easy option now days, and the truth is, marriage should never be entered into lightly. Divorse shouldn't be an option when you make the decison to unite your life with someone. Marriage is HARD. You have to work through it. Yes, there are times when divorse is necessary- but it's all too common now days because people don't want to put in the effort. And I applaud you for making the effort. Seeking advise and help.

I also want to remind everyone that this website is here so that we can support eachother and give advise. Not to tear people down for marrying the person they love. She's making an effort to fix things. Stop judging. It's not your place.

MIL is a drain on my financial sanity

Re: MIL is a drain on my financial sanity

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