Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: F/U to Intro / Porn Addiction?
Well, if he really does have a problem, it's not like there won't be any consequences at all if he disrespects my feelings. If he has a problem, I'm still going to expect him to be honest with me and respect my feelings as we work through this. Having an addiction or other problem doesn't excuse someone from basic respect...
Sorry! I misunderstood.
http://www.recoverynation.com/
RN is a good website for homework and essentially "counseling" for both addicts and betrayed spouses to work through their situations separately.
http://www.no-porn.com/
No-porn has a section for both betrayed spouses and a separate area for people trying to stop sexual/porn addictions. They're both very supportive. Just be mindful of the spoiler buttons which are used to avoid putting explicit details down and enticing recovering addicts. There is also board lingo that is easy to pick up.
You can also create a journal here and have a more private place to put your thoughts.
That said:
I honestly think if he's not willing to go to meetings (even solo with a counselor), he's not ready to face this or change it. It's very rare for a true addict to self-heal. You need accountability partners, you need a supportive group, and you need some sort of counseling to work through your underlying issues.
I wish you luck.
Thank you! I appreciate the resources. He is willing to go to counseling with me (we start on April 12th), he just doesn't want to go to some porn addicts meeting and announce to the world that he has an addiction problem. He doesn't want to feel like the whole world knows about it, but he is willing to go to couples (and individual, if recommended) counseling to work through it. This is part of what makes me think he may really have an issue to some extent. I would think that if he didn't, there's no way in hell he would agree to counseling...but I could be wrong.
If he has a porn addiction, then you need to think of it like a drug addiction.
Is he not able to get thru the day without the porn? Is it affecting his relationships with friends and family (opting to watch porn instead of spending time with others)? Does he lose time while doing it (a few minutes turns into hours without him realizing where the time went)? Is it affecting his work (he gets in trouble for doing it at the office, he cuts out of work early so he can watch porn)? Is he unable to have sex with you without having porn playing in the room? If he can't watch porn for 24-48 hours, does his tension increasingly rise until he either explodes or is able to watch porn?
If most of these do not apply to your husband, then he is not addicted to porn. My guess? He gets in a horny state of mind and just figures "Why not?" and then afterwards feels bad about it and lies. Or he's just a lying liar that doesn't care about your feelings.
Glad you're going to counseling, but I think calling what he's doing an "addiction" is just an easy way to blame bad behavior on something other than himself.
This one is tough for me. My sister is a recovering drug addict and these things did not apply to her until she hit absolute rock bottom. She was able to function, fool most of our family, and pull straight A's in high school while addicted to/high on drugs.
But, I think you're probably right about your guess. The more I think about it, the more I don't think he REALLY has a true addiction. When I told him how I felt, he told me he would try to stop, but it would be hard, and when I asked him why it would be so hard, why it's so hard to refrain from doing something that you know hurts your wife, that is where we ended up. I actually think he just plain has an issue with self discipline (porn isn't the only thing...), and he doesn't have the drive to push himself past that when needed. I think he may have an issue with porn, but certainly not a full-blown addiction. In any case, I want to be understanding and help him through what I can, but I don't take lying and blatantly disregarding/not caring about my feelings anymore. I'm hoping we can make some real, lasting progress in counseling, but I know that it will not be without a lot of work from both of us.