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Husband Refuses to Wear Condom, Doesn't Want Baby Either
Background: my husband and I have been together since 2004; married since 2010. From 2004 - August 2011 I protected us against having children via the nuva ring, pill, a variety of birth control options as I have experienced fibrocystic breasts - resulting in switching here and there due to hormonal differences, etc. In June of 2011, I quit my job so that I could concetrate on my last year of school, so by August 2011, I could no longer afford the nuva alone, and he had offered to help pay for it but never followed through.
No matter what, I told him I did not want to be on birth control after age 24, which is this year. Our arrangement of 'pull-and-pray' was totally okay with me, until November - when he decided to let down all the doors of preventing pregnancy... the next time we had sex; however, he was already regretting that decision, so since, we've been back to 'pull-and-pray.'
Here's my issue: I am planning on taking a year off school (after graduating this May), transition to working full time, then go back for my MPH. I told him that I really don't want to get pregnant AND be due during a school year, so it would not be feasible for us to continue like this as the pull-and-pray is only 75% effective. While we own our home and cars, we are not in any financial position to start a family - which he has made quite clear. And I'm not willing to start a family during my MPH program but would like a family sooner rather than later. Anyway, he doesn't want a baby but outright REFUSES to wear a condom - claiming that he will not feel as emotionally connected to me...
I have problems with this on a couple of levels
a) if wearing a condom decreases his emotional connection, this indicates to me that his emotional satisfaction in the bedroom is directly linked to his level of physical satisfaction which would obviously be decreased by wearing a condom
b) he has no problem with ME going back on birth control even at risk of entirely screwing up our reproductive future (since I was on it for nine years prior to this)
c) he claims we can't afford a child, but is willing to risk getting me pregnant each time we have sex because he is so adamant about not wearing a condom
Who else has had similar experiences and how did you handle them? I definitely don't want to get pregnant during my MPH, and I'm okay with waiting - but I think he should be pulling the weight this time around... I did it for six years and birth control can and does have long-term effects on the reproductive system. Basically, I kind of feel like he is being selfish about this whole thing, but really ridiculous at the same time. HELP
Re: Husband Refuses to Wear Condom, Doesn't Want Baby Either
Wait. Your husband wouldn't help you pay for birth control?
Divorcethemother***lready.
I don't like birth control pills because I either get ovarian cysts or become a crazy person with no sex drive, but where are you getting this information that being on it past 24 will shrivel your eggs and ruin your reproductive abilities?
I'd suggest telling him you won't have sex until he uses a condom or he helps with the nuva ring cost or chips in for an IUD or something, but you have weird ideas about birth control.
Anyway, good luck with the whole not getting pregnant thing if you both refuse to use birth control of any kind.
He outright refuses to wear a condom? Sounds like you should outright refuse to sleep with him.
Listen, if you're absolutely against going on BC and he refuses to wear a condom, you're only option is abstinence. Ask him if he'll feel more emotionally connected to you if you're having sex with a condom, or not having sex at all.
Oh, and what kind of asssshole refuses to "help" pay for his wife's birth control? You're married- it's YOUR money too. He can't afford a baby, then he better pay up to help prevent one.
I don't even know what to say.
Sweetie, this is not Secret Life of the American Teenager. What are you going to do when you do end up pregnant? You clearly aren't thinking this through. "Pull and Pray" is not a viable b/c method for someone who is not prepared for a child.
Whythefuck are you still sleeping with this assshole??
First of all, birth control is both of your responsibility. It's his job to contribute, whether that's helping pay for it, wearing a condom, whatever.
If you don't want to get pregnant during this busy/important time in your career, then don't have sex with him unless he's wearing protection. It's as simple as that.
This is where I am. How can you have a relationship with someone who doesn't even respect you enough to help you prevent a much unwanted pregnancy if he's sleeping with you? You should value yourself so much more than this.
2013 Calendars and More!
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Alllllllll of this.
Husbands should be like Kleenex: Soft, strong, and disposable.
*Sits down on the Abstinence couch*
Hey, wanna know how effective pull and pray is? Just look down there
, that's my pull and pray in my sig.
"If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it. Don't be mad when you see a knit cap won it. If you wanna win then you shoulda put a hat on it."- Fenton
Sooooo confused. But seriously, where do you get the idea that being on BC for long periods of time is going to render you sterile?? I took BC for 14 years and got knocked up 3 months after going off it. At the shriveled up age of 32. JFC.
If you don't want to get pregnant, your husband needs to wear a condom, or you need to go on BC, or don't have sex. Period.
Mucho likes purple nails and purple cupcakes
I have Heard of reproductive issues after being on bc for too long, but I don't know if there's any scientific base in that or if it's worth worrying about. You already said you don't want to be on it for cystic issues, which is reason enough.
Assholeness of your husband aside, you can look into taking charge of your fertility, basically you have about 2 weeks your good, then 2 weeks you have to wrap it up. It gets more in depth that that, but I don't have the patience to chart so that's how we do it.
Great. It's like the blind leading the blind. Or the inmates are running the asylum. Choose your un-PC phrase of choice.
I agree with this poster.
You could use FAM, it is not the 'pull and pray' and it is not the Rhythm method. Natural Family planning can be as effective as any other birth control if you do it right. (and part of it is going without sometimes)
Care to explain what you take issue with?
Not Daria, but:
1. There's no scientific basis for a belief that extended use of birth control pills affects fertility. People used to believe that. They also used to believe the earth was flat.
2. You are not "good" for 2 weeks and "need to wrap it up for 2 weeks." It's more like women are generally fertile for 3-5 days.
And also that's not an exact science. We've had at least a few women here have pregnancies when trying to do NFP to avoid getting pregnant.
Or you could just do nothing but anal for a year. But then you have to be worried about seepage.
If done properly it is as effective as other forms of BC. You can't do the Rhythm method of something like it, it has to be something like FAM. If the method is learned properly and practiced properly it is very effective.
I got pregnant while using the pill properly. I actually became pregnant on more than one form of hormonal birth control.
EDIT There is a huge difference between the Ryhthm method, calendar method, just pulling out and FAM. It's not for someone not willing to do the work but it's actually not hard. It is a good alternative for those who can't use hormonal birth control if they are willing to actually do it. It's not hard.
*delurk* this. You basically have to be obsessed with nfp and charting to make it work, and one slip up and it's all over. Nfp is great but it's hard and very prone to user failure.
Also OP your H is a douche.
Yep. Once upon ONE drunken night...then a few weeks later, BFP. I completely love my DD and do not regret it at all, but it does make school a complete *** to finish, not to mention that it was already hard with working full-time.
Furthermore, what really gets to me is that your H says it will affect his "emotional connection" too much. Really? I understand there is a bond that forms with sex, but because he has to wear a condom? My H has had to deal with me having libido issues and sometimes being unable to finish sex because my endometriosis is in full swing and it's too painful, and he never complains. EVER. If wearing a condom is going to damage your relationship that much, then you DEFINITELY should not be risking getting pregnant. That's judgmental, I know. But it sounds like he cares way more about sex than you.
1. I know, which is why I said I have heard of it, but there isn't scientific basis that I knew of. I thought that was pretty clear. There is anecdotal evidence as far as I'm concerned, but there are a ton of other factors that can come into play so I wouldnt put much into that.
2. I also know, which is why I said basically, and that's how WE do it. I don't want to chart mucus or whatever. I can usually tell exactly when I ovulate so it's not an issue. But for people who don't want to get so specific or can't remember to take their temp at the same time every morning etc, there's an alternative. I specifically said there is more to it.
1. Well, no. You didn't say "there isn't scientific evidence." You said "I have Heard of reproductive issues after being on bc for too long, but I don't know if there's any scientific base in that or if it's worth worrying about." There isn't.
2. This is pretty much exactly the reason there's a 25% failure rate to charting/fertility awareness. If you aren't willing/able to chart cervical mucus correctly and consistently, at some point, you're screwed. Mucus (and checking your cervical opening) are the only predictors of fertility. Charting temps merely confirms that you have, in fact, ovulated, retrospectively. Further, there are things that may change your ovulation dates and patterns--ask several people on this board. So, the idea that this is a method you can be "lazy" with is just wrong. If you want to think about your bc, get an IUD.
Look, if you are comfortable relying on things you've "heard" and anecdotal stories and playing willy nilly with your contraceptive methods, more power to you. But, it's piss poor advice to be spouting.
1. Your black lab is very cute
2. Your black lab with have a human sibling if you continue to pull & pray
3. Go back on birth control. Go to planned parenthood/the free clinic. Birth control will not screw up your reproductive future- Michelle Duggar was lying to you.
Exactly. Good luck with your half assed rhythm method. I suspect you'll have a different opinion (and children) in a couple years.
Do you have a joint account? If so, just get back on the pill. You will be fine. It does not affect your future fertility, as many PPs have said. Here is a link to an article about a European study on this issue.
http://www.themedguru.com/node/27588
However, your H is also being anasshole because he is playing fast and loose with your future plans when he knows how important finishing school and not getting pregnant until you do so is to you.