Starting Over
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Let's Flame each other...
Oh, I'd love a diagram!!
Heavenly, her XH has nothing to do with anything.
OP had an ongoing (5-ish?) year affair with a married man who has no intention of leaving his wife for OP. When OP originally intro'd on this board and said that she was the OW, we all told her to get rid of the DB married dude. She did, eventually.
OP then had a ONS with a colleague, which resulted in the pregnancy.
She has apparently told the baby's father about the pregnancy, and reached back out to married DB in a moment of weakness.
Does this clarify at all?
The above 3 questions are the same ones I've had since you first posted about the ONS.
Since you asked for it:
I'm flaming you for contacting your X. He is married. He is not good for you. This situation has nothing to do with him. Cut him out of your life.
I'm not going to flame you for the CS issue because it's still really early in your pregnancy, and I'd expect that you'd go back in forth in your head a couple of times before your baby actually arrives. At some point though, you'll have to get serious and really think about how you want to proceed with the whole CS thing.
Yes, thank you!!!
Is the baby daddy married too?
Energy industry? I can't help but chuckle. Energetic, indeed.
Look, it's not my place to tell you who to sleep with, provided you're comfortable with your decisions and being safe (and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I question both of these things...). BUT. In general, it's kind of not the best idea to mess around with multiple colleagues in one's industry. It would really be a shame if you were to develop a reputation that hindered your job progress as a result. I'm not saying that would be right, or fair, but it's a possible outcome. Gossip can be vicious, and the rumor mill is powerful.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Not sure. I really want to know whether OP used BC during the ONS and whether her colleague was aware that he was playing Russian Roulette.
Gotcha! It now all makes sense. I am just gonna say that this is too big of an issue for me to help in any ways so I am going to leave this one to fate.
Running list of Q's from SO:
1)where you on BC
2)where you trying to get pregnant
3)if you were NOT on BC, did your ONS know this?
Also, is baby daddy married?
I think you need to change the title of this post from "Let's Flame Each Other" to "Ask Me Anything."
Just sayin'.
I am really curious about all of this, but I'm not optimistic that these questions will be answered, since they've been dodged in several posts over the past few weeks.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
I'll add a flameful-I have a final tomorrow, for a class that I shopped online during. I am pretending to study right now, but am actually on TN. This class will probably be my lowest grade to date in law school. I feel like I should care (Since I worked my A-S-S off last semester to get into the top 12% of my class) but I can't bring myself to care.
All of this. This is why I have my opinion on her asking for CS in this particular case. This is why I wanted to know about the BC on the night of conception. She hasn't answered it at all, which is what is sketchy to me.
I have issues with women who try and get pregnant in cases like these (which is FINE if that's what they want to do. Maybe not right in my eyes, but their choice) but then expect the dad to pony up. For private nannies.
This, except she's not answering our burning questions. Summed up well by JoJo+Leo and BlackKitty:
1) Were you on BC?
2) Were you trying to get pregnant?
3) If you were NOT on BC, did your ONS know this?
4) Is your ONS married?
I've been biting my tongue, but it makes me green that people like the OP get PG during a ONS, as opposed others who use protection and wait until they are in a happy, committed relationship may still have trouble getting PG.
This one gets stuck in my head
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ_xaTbMYUM
I was away interviewing a midwife...
1. I had just stopped depo shots and we did not use a condom, so no BC.
2. I absolutely was not trying to get pregnant; I would never intentionally do this to a life I brought into this world. I know of the major importance of having an active mother and father and honestly the thought briefly crossed my mind to terminate because of that reason alone, but with the emotional support of family and friends, I decided I want to keep this baby and I also have the love and other abilities to do so on my own.
3. I was checked for STD's before and after intercourse with the baby's father. All tests are negative. I happened to have them checked before because the guy I had been seeing and I were active and a condom slipped once. I'm usually uber cautious about this.
I didn't know I had dodged these questions before. I'm really pretty level and people like me, but I have published the ghosts from my closet on this board, so I do sound like a very bad person. IRL I am respectful, warm-hearted and have immense compassion from those around me.
My two poorest choices have been aired here and while they are quite large poor choices, I own them. I didn't expect this to be an "ask me anything" post, but c'est la vie.
ETA: 4. Not married.
For the record, I don't think you're a bad person. I think you've made some choices that a lot of people aren't going to be comfortable with, but you really don't sound like some soulless jerk. No one's perfect, and a lot of folks are far less forthcoming about their foibles than you've been.
As far as the STD checks, test again in a few months, please. If you get a clean bill after 6 months, you should be in the clear, but sometimes it takes a while for things to show up.
I'd just advise you to be more careful with yourself. I have no trouble believing you when you say you're a warm-hearted, caring person. It does seem to me, though, that you can get swept up in situations and not always make the most responsible decisions. You've said that you continue to attend therapy sessions. Perhaps this tendency would be a good one to explore.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
That flame actually hurt. I didn't sleep with him trying to get pregnant. I'm not ruthless like that... or brave enough really. I'm scared sheetless to do this on my own, but I'm taking responsibility and making a plan. I've been told by several doctors that it would be extremely difficult for me to conceive especially because of family history and my age bc of said family history. The BC was more for the hormones to balance me out, but I started seeing a nutrionist to balance them in a natural way.
Thanks GOZ. I definitely let myself get put into situations that are less than desirable and my therapist and I have been working on those. They've been with me since childhood so there's lots to unravel, but I am already taking better care of myself emotionally since finding out I was pg. I have an easier time taking care of others (the baby now, namely) than I do myself and I know my actions from here on out will always have an impact on this little life. Maybe that's the change I needed to be gentler to myself and to my heart. *and now tears* damn hormones...
Thank you for answering. One last one--did your colleague know that you were not on any form of BC?
This. After I found out XH cheated I got tested and then about six months later, to be sure.
I flame whoever does that...not saying that you did that intentionally, though I hope you can undersatnd why it is percieved to be that way.
Thank you for answering the questions.
After he came inside of me, he asked. We were both pretty charged after HH, a colleague dinner with multiple bottles of wine, two bars after that and a long cab ride where we made out like high schoolers the entire ride back to our hotel, so I don't think either of us were really thinking. Irresponsible for us both and in hindsight probably should have gotten morning after pill just in case, but I honestly didn't think pregnancy without medical intervention was a possibility for me.
I really think you need to stop contacting your X. Delete his phone number. Also, if I was having a relationship with a man in a commited relationship for so long, I couldn't take him seriously. He is lying to a lot of people around him and there's no way I could trust him. The more you talk about him the more it seems you were some sort of entertainment for him. I am surprised it lasted that long on your part. All the time you spent on him is the time you didn't take to find someone who would be commited to you.
As for the baby thing (CS, ONS being involved...) don't make any decisions now. Your pregnancy is pretty new and this child is still a "concept". Once he/she is here, things will be real and you might make completly different decisions. And ONS too.
Thanks biscuit. I actually did lose an amazing man bc of the married x. I mourn that loss probably weekly bc he was great and was very into me, but I was too into the x to realize what I was doing. I let the x break down my self esteem to the point that I didn't think this other guy was actually interested bc he had a player reputation, but he confessed his past to me and told me how ready he was to change. That was about 2 years ago and he's getting married in June. It makes me sick to know that I ruined that and that could have been me beside him. I know I don't deserve him and I'm not sure that I really deserve any good man, yet bc of the decisions I continue making. Hopefully one day that will change.
This is really sad and why you need to continue your counseling. Just because you haven't made the best decisions, does not mean you're a bad person and don't deserve a good man.
I don't think you are a bad person. Everyone makes mistakes and I think the fact that you own up to them is good. I do think you have lingering issues with the married ex that you should address with your counselor. A man who cheated on his wife is not a good person and not someone you need to contact when things get rough. He actually sounds highly manipulative to me. I just don't want to see you repeating said mistakes in a moment of weakness. You should delete his number, in fact BLOCK it from your phone. You don't need him- your baby doesn't need him.
I think you will make a good mom, just stay away from the ex
That kind of thinking? It's what gets you into trouble. Knock it off. I mean it. Knock it the hell off. You need to realize how valuable a person you are. You need to believe it, and to demand that people treat you accordingly. Self-loathing isn't going to get you anywhere good. You sound like a nice person, and clearly you don't have trouble attracting men. (That's not a dig. It's just true.) If you believe you don't deserve someone "good," then you're going to continue picknig the wrong people. You're better than that. So quit it!
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Thanks JoJo. I'm definitely going to bust my a$$ to be the best mother I can be and although I did have a moment of weakness, you're right I should not contact him again. When I feel sad or helpless or sorry for myself, talking to him has always made me feel better and I need to come up with an alternative when I feel that way bc more times than not, when I reach out to him I feel worse in the end anyways.