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Re: @ Flameful confession
I am curious what the husband's reaction was the first time. That is relevant to how much blame I give him in this situation. If he was angry but could see the forest through the trees, and agreed to forgive and work on things, and she continued to hide the spending, then his rage now is more understandable and I agree with you.
If he reacted then like he did now, then I am firmly with Team Sibil and Kore. In such an instance, I can understand why she was afraid of that reaction again. Being afraid of your husband's batshitttcrazy and abusive reaction is not really an effective deterrent to a problem, particularly a problem that is grounded in someone's desire to keep things secret. Even if that was the only other time he's acted like this, I can see why being afraid of triggering that reaction again may have contributed to the present situation.
Clearly the OP needs therapy and she seems willing to get it. She probably should have gotten it the first time around, and did not. Yes, she is responsible for breaking trust and doing what she did. But if the husband created an environment where she is so petrified of confiding in him and felt she could not come to him for help after the first, probably minor lapse, it is no wonder why her issues spiraled out of control to the tune of $8k over the three or four years.
I do think the husband has every right to be angry. But trust is only one part of a marriage. If he has never displayed any compassion and instead thinks trust is built on people believing they are so worthless that they better play along or else, he's at fault here too.
I am not going to speculate as to which category the husband falls into. But, I imagine individual therapy can help the OP figure that out for herself.
Good luck, OP.
Um, divorce costs $$ too! Especially when a house and kids are involved! Don't get me wrong it sure is fun to say "deal breaker!!" and "shank someone!!" whenever marital problems come up but that's not practical advice regardless of what sex did what to who.
Even if they do divorce, she STILL has to address her spending issues, so again I don't see how speculation on their future relationship is relevant here.
Hiding student loan debt is the weirdest thing to me and I think it speaks volumes as to where this couple was in terms of financial maturity. 8k over 3 years - that's over $2,500 a year or over $200/month in "nothing" - so I see this as a bunch of financial immaturity today as well.
Anyone whose been through a divorce with kids knows there is a lot of financial obligation you both have to fulfill after the divorce that go on for years. So again, bottomline, they both need to sort out their financial approach and fix that whole thing but regardless of if he ultimately wants out of the marriage.
OP....so, does he react this way to a lot of things, or is it only the two times you've betrayed him that he's blown up? It really changes the perspective on this.
Also...why did you go and talk to his mom before talking to him, and it sounds like, get her on your side before talking to him? It's one thing to talk to a friend knowing the sh!t is going to hit the fan, but going to his mom seems very weird to me.
Re. people's questions over the loan...why were you embarrased that you had to take a student loan for your masters? I ask because I'm wondering if the debt was truly unavoidable because of the cost of the school itself, or if essentially the root of it is still your spending problem and at the time school gave you an opportunity to push the debt to student loans rather than CC debt. (For example, I knew a guy in grad school who had a stipend and full tuition, but wracked up debt...it was completely avoidable if he wasn't living outside what were do-able means).
I'm team Caden. Unless he says that stuff with every fight - otherwise, I totally understand his overreaction. Yes, it was awful. But I'd probably react the same way.
It sounds like he reacted the same way the first time she came clean. It is amazing what shame will do, especially if he is verbally abusive(doesn't make what she did right at all). I agree with counseling, for the both of you(marriage and alone).
I wonder how finances are dealt with in the OP's household in the first place. It wouldn't excuse hiding debt regardless but I can certainly see how someone would do such a thing if they weren't left with much spending money.
of course that might not be the case at all.
Click me, click me!
Look at it from his perspective... she might as well have been cheating on him. There's sex, and there's money, and sometimes a spouse can see lying about either as a pretty equal infraction. I totally get that, when you see that lying about inordinate spending and debt can hamper the raising and prosperity of your family - your kids, their education, their future, your ability to provide for them, etc.
And yeah, I don't know that I'd be keen on divorcing you, considering he'd probably have to pay you alimony and child support, but never be confident that you're using that money for the good of the kiddos.
I GET the spending issues. I've had them myself, and DH and I have done some major work over the years to help me with that. I don't use our credit card, we have a low limit on it (you need to do that STAT as soon as you pay it down), and I can tell you straight up if I went to him indicating I had lied a second time about several thousand dollars of debt, he'd be looking for a separation and hard-core counseling at minimum.
Take your steps now. Get into counseling. Start paying down that debt. Cut up your credit cards, and get in a good practice of saying "No thanks!" every single time a cashier or clerk offers you one of those good-sounding "but hey, open a card today and get 10% off today's purchase!" This isn't just about you, or even your marriage.