Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
My Husband Hates My Parents and Maybe Me as well! Need advice!
Ok, so I am at a loss on what to do. My husband will not stop telling me how much my parents have done nothing but bring stress into his life since day 1, and he says all kinds of hurtful things regarding them. Even to the extent of implying that they don't care about me, they pawned me off on him and that they're just lies and users.Now, some of it I understand, but at the same time, I would NEVER say mean hurtful things about his family, even if I felt them from time to time. I have a severe panic disorder with agoraphobia and have not been able to do any real work for about 6 years now. Because I have such a hard time, my parents purchased a house a street away from theirs, 9 yrs ago for us to rent. We've been here since and been married for 6.5 yrs. We've mostly had to have roommates to afford the house but it's a nice home and my parents always pay what we can't afford. They've helped us with soooo many things. He is in home remodeling and they ask him at times to do some jobs on their house. He does it but complains how they are the worst, most annoying customers he has. I say they're NOT customers, they're family, and they pay him for the work. They do at times kind of hold things over your head (like owning our home) but it's only because of stress and they would never sell the house or anything unless it was absolutely necessary. Anymore, he avoids seeing them at all cost. He usually stays in the bedroom when they come over, or says a brief hello and keeps going, kinda rudely and they notice. He's very over-emotional, has trust issues with me, etc. He has told me he has feelings of resentment towards me for not being well. I don't even feel like I can stand up for myself because 1)he really does so much for me and 2) I am afraid to be without him a lot because I can't drive or do many other things while my panic is so bad. I do love him but I can't handle this negativity and I don't know what to do? There's really just so much to the situation, I don't want to write it all or it'll be too much to read so I'll stop here for now. Please let me know what you think and feel free to ask questions! Thank you so much 
Re: My Husband Hates My Parents and Maybe Me as well! Need advice!
She took the questions right out of my mouth....me thinks you need a lot more therapy and maybe some new drs if you havent worked in 6 year. the stress of you being totally dependent on H and mommy and daddy have probably pushed him to the edge.
I agree with the pp's - you need to switch doctors and/or medications if your panic is so bad that you haven't been able to work in six years, and are relying on your mom and dad to support you!!!
Can you / H afford a place of your own? Even if it is just an apartment to rent? If yes, then MOVE. Being on your own in a one bedroom apt is better than mommy and daddy griping that they own your home and you aren't paying up. It is NOT better to be in a big house in an upscale community if the "cost" is always feeling you OWE your parents/ILS.
As for your H - - why did he marry you if he couldn't take you working? It seems odd that he knew what he was getting into and is now complaining. Did a bigger house than he could afford on his own appeal to him? Were you at one time a lot more functional? I can't tell if he is a d*uchbag that you need to cut from your life, or if he is stressed from being the only partner in a 2-person marriage (or, a 4-person marriage, if you include your parents!).
I doubt your marriage will work while you are still living at your mom and dad's home and you are not self-sufficient.
so, why arent you working for 6 years? i understand you have issues and are seeking care, but if it has taken 6 years to greatly improve something in the story isnt adding up.
you can get a job and not drive...public transportation, cab, drop off and pick up etc...
how much counseling has he gotten?
marriage counseling?
He is not a great man if he puts you down or makes you feel like you are a burden. Great men do not do those things.
Also, I would not put the house in his name. He isn't going to leave since he has a great deal going on with paying minimum to live in a house. Your folks should hire someone else to work on their home. Let him squawk then about not getting income from the jobs.
You have problems that can be helped with therapy and medication, he is a problem all on its own. Solution is he moves out and/or gets counseling. Your last few sentences are what is probably true of your relationship.
I don't want to sound like a jerk here, especially since I do believe there are people that legitimately cannot work because their anxiety is so bad... but the time frame you've given kind of has me wondering if maybe your H thinks it's just a little too convenient that you guys get married and suddenly you're unable to work. For what has now been pretty much the course of your entire marriage.
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
@magsugar13 - I'm starting to drive again slowly, I know it seems like it should be a simple fix but it's not. You'd have to understand what agoraphobia is...
He refuses to go back to a counselor for himself and I have suggested marriage counseling, he agrees and then all the sudden turns everything around and acts like it's all great and wonderful and why would we need that?!
@My2cents4u - He does make me feel like a burden a lot, but I can't help but wonder if I am or if it's my fault? I want to put the house only in my name exactly because of how things are going right now. When we fight I am very calm and even when I discuss the idea of a "break" calmly with him, he just gets upset, then starts acting overly nice and happy. OR he asks if I want to be with someone else. He has obvious personal issues but blames them all on me or this house or my family. It's never just him, or a mixture or anything else so he doesn't think he needs help.
@RamonaFlow - You don't sound like a jerk! I can see where you get that idea. I have worked a little during the 6 yrs, but couldn't keep a job. Also when we were 1st dating I was in the same situation to the point that I wouldn't leave my old house for months and he would come over almost everyday. I told him, ?there is a chance this will reoccur in my life, I understand if it isn't something you want to deal with?, etc. etc. I got better enough for a while and he said he didn't care bc he loves me too much. Now he can't handle it and I don't get mad at him for that, I get it. But, then why when I so calmly and nicely ask if we can take a break does he act suddenly like he was in the wrong and out comes this overly nice guy who says he doesnt want to leave, we belong together and all that nonsense. I WANT HIM TO TAKE A BREAK!!! I think it would be good for both of us.
And yes, when he's in upset/angry mode he does point out that my non-working has been almost the course of our marriage and says maybe I did it on purpose to use him or just gave up once I knew I had him... Use him for what???!!!!! And trust me there is nothing convenient about it.
I?ve had anxiety problems since childhood, I work with it until I am better. Sometimes I relapse and have to start over. I?m not trying to make excuses or discuss that so much as the relationship between him and I. I know he puts up with a lot, but so do I. That?s what partners do for eachother. And when I am doing well, I honestly do great! And during my not working, I still host support groups, go to school online, run a blog which includes sales and anything else I can do to stay active and increase income. I don?t, however, expect him to have to deal with this for such a lengthy period and I?ve made that very clear. I sometimes wonder (as suggested by therapists) if he enjoys me relying on him and having control? Why else is he so afraid to take a temporary break? I?m afraid too especially since I do rely on him a lot, but I still think it?s possibly a good idea. I also hate that he?s currently at his parents? telling them all of our current issues and then asks why I feel awkward visiting them?! And he?ll only debate or argue when he wants to, if I have something to say, or he knows I will be upset he won?t sit and talk with me? he will text me from the bedroom if he?s home! That?s ridiculous!
What type of therapy and medication are you on?
(i do know a bit about the disorder)
so, out of the 6 years you have only been getting real treatment for 3.
im glad that you are improviong at a steady pace...have you discussed with your therapist all that your H is doing in the relationship? or not doing?
if your h wont go to therapy or marriage counseling how are things going to get better?
I would file separation papers. Seriously, you need time to work on yourself. If that means you need to phone a taxi instead of having your husband drive you around. It seems as if in some ways you are "done" with this marriage / relationship.
Just because your H decides that he wants to "be nice" or that he wants to be married doesn't mean you have to stick around with him. You get a vote and a voice as well. Personally, I think he sounds like a jerk, but he might just be an ok guy who is not right for you and as a result is toxic for you.
maybe he is just stressed handling a wife unable to contribute to the marriage and IL who lord things over him.
1. get a job
2. move out of your parents home
3.counseling
4. do whatever you need to for 1, 2 and 3 to happen
You need to find more ways to work on your agoraphobia/panic, if you aren't. Try some natural remedies, look into food allergies (people scoff, but it can help with free-floating anxiety, a lot of my anxiety went away after allergies were discovered.). Maybe medication for you, etc.
Your H is in a situation where he's under a roof that's owned by his in-laws. That's stressful, humbling, and can be a blow to ego, and he chose that life, so he's probably feeling some general shame, unhappiness, and frustration. He's taking it out on them instead of facing the fact that it was his choice.
You need to stand up for yourself, panic or not. Hopefully you're not thinking of yourself as broken and you are doing things daily to better your life and break out of your shell. GL.
Yeah, I've been working on my panic stuff like crazy, it's going well actually. I do meds, changed my diet, and so on. I understand the living in a house they own ordeal, it's obviously not either of our ideal situation but it's temporary until we can put it in my or our name. He had to have surgery a few years ago and it destroyed his credit so it's hard to do much until it's better repaired.
I'm getting way better at standing up for myself. I know I'm not broken and I know I'll be fine. It's a very emotional time right now. I actually think we'll be ok, I just don't want it to reoccur again a few months down the road. And I want him to stop blaming me and my family for everything that's ever wrong. They've actually been super close and they love him dearly and he knows it. I mean, I could go the same route with his family but I don't do that sort of thing, I accept that we won't always agree on everything and I take responsibility for my own issues. I just think he needs to admit the things that are because of him instead of getting angry at everyone and everything around him. It just adds too much stress to both our lives.
Don't make any purchases, either in your own name or in both of your names while you are having marital problems! The house could still be considered "marital property" and "your house" could be split with your H in a divorce.
I think that this IS the reason for the marital issues.
Seriously, if she isnt working and is on SSI, where do you think the money for this house is coming from?
I think that this IS the reason for the marital issues.
Seriously, if she isnt working and is on SSI, where do you think the money for this house is coming from?
If you have been contributing financially through disability and other jobs at times, then what kind of work does your H do, if you can only afford to rent a house (from your parents, whom I'm assuming aren't gouging you on the rent) if you have roommates? Do you think any of your H's problems with the current set-up are related to not only your work and psychological health, but also his ability to provide financially for the two of you?
Then again, there's this:
... which makes me think that they *have* threatened to sell the house, and that they more than "kind of" hold it over his/your head that they own the house you live in.
Hmmm, so a man with trust issues married a woman with agoraphobia. If you are indeed making big strides in your treatment, this could be a reason for emerging problems in your relationship. A couples therapist sounds like the best idea here, assuming both of you are invested enough in the relationship to work at keeping it.
Um, so why don't YOU make the decision to take the break, if it's what YOU want?
While you pointed out that this is a family issue, this seems to be an issue of independence and separation from family that your family has chosen to intertwine with financial stuff. YOU brought up buying the house yourself as a possible partial solution to this problem, and PPs are just suggesting that it would not solve anything.
Also, your *parents' down payment* was taken care of 10 years ago, correct? If that's the case, that is unrelated to where you're going to get YOUR down payment if you purchase the house in your name. And why would you want to buy the house? Obviously the house is not the only issue that stands in the way of a happy, healthy relationship with your husband, and you know that buying the house will not end the problems you're having.
I'm assuming that one of the goals in treating your agoraphobia would be independence from both your parents and your husband. Not that that means you have to divorce him or cut your parents out of your life, but it would mean no longer psychologically relying on your H or your parents, being able to support yourself emotionally. Buying a house when your only income source is disability does not fit with this goal. Plus, if you're making such singificant improvements and can return to work, it sounds like you may no longer need to be on disability, which means you will need to look for and keep a job, so buying a house now might not be the wisest choice.
OK, Before responding to this one, I'd like to say that most of you are just interrogating and it's NOT helpful. I already know what I'm going to do. This was perhaps the wrong place to talk, or I just gave too much detail that wasn't needed in my question. And now I'll reply to the newest one!
1) he hasn't been working much, he got sick for a while and now work is very slow. Yes, I think money is a stress-er in the situation on both ends.
2) the comment of selling has been made at a point. They apologized about being stressed and saying it. He will not forgive it, but he'll be my mom's best friend and then bring it up to me again when he's mad. I'm not going to get into what personal "issues" my parents have.
3) I agree that it seems convenient for issues to arise now that I'm regaining independence. As I've said, he'll agree to therapy but then "change his attitude" and act super nice and like we don't need it. I know he's just scared.
4) If we were to take a break I want him to understand why it's happening. Also he will not leave even if I do say it's the case. I can leave but he will just come to me anyhow. He won't just give up on this, I know how he works. Even a break is too threatening to him, he's convinced I won't return from it.
5) I put 80% of the down payment down. It was 10 yrs ago, I was working at the time.I understand what PPs are saying about the house situation, but I'm also getting asked a million irrelevant medical questions (some I can get) and more. Nobody would ask those same questions had I said I was diagnosed with a different life-threatening illness.
Yes, the major goal is independence. I'm not there yet, I'm not in a position to hold a good job yet. I rely as little on others as possible anymore. I take up approximately 30mins of his time a day, and maximum $200/mo at times if I am short on money. I did the same for him when he was ill. Nobody is in my life enough to even have to cut them out.
Does anyone want any further details??? I appreciate those who have offered some good advice, kind words, etc. I knew to expect some ridiculous stuff too, I suppose I hoped that laying it all out upfront would derail some of that. No big deal. I know my plan now, just needed to think and vent.