Money Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Have a wedding, but not get married...
I agree with all this.
Also, if you live in a state that still has common law marriage, your religious ceremony and choice to live as a married couple will make you just as legally married as the next married couple, even without a marriage license, typically within about 3 months. This means you will be legally required to file your taxes as married and be honest about your marital status to whomever you owe all that debt to. While I'm not sure if it is illegal to get married without a license, I'm pretty sure it is illegal to lie about your marital status on your taxes, so you should make sure to look into this.
Agreed. But deciding not to get married, whatever the reason, is not fraud. People who want to raise a family together are just not required to get legally married, period - regardless of whether they want to be married or not. That would be a gross violation of the constitution. I didn't get the impression from OP that she was planning on telling people they're legally married, so I don't see what fraudulent activity you think she's talking about.
As for her children, I agree that it's slightly more iffy. On the one side, as I said above, they signed up to pay off the loan *according to the terms,* which include income assistance for those who are eligible. They are eligible, so I don't see how they're doing anything immoral. However, I do think it's important to teach children how to handle their money and not to take out loans they can't repay. The real lesson here that I think a child should learn is that you absolutely cannot depend on others to help you out of a hole you've dug. Luckily in this case, they have access to that assistance, but the children should know that the may not have that leg up when it's their turn to pay for college. However, nobody needs to teach their children not to use truly needed public assistance on principle - that's not being good with money, that's letting pride get in the way of getting back on your feet.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussAh, common law marriage may well be an exception. I hadn't even thought of it because I've never lived in a state where it was law, but apparently there are 9 states that still have them. OP, definitely find out if you're in one of those states and what the laws are if you still plan to try this - though again, many of us don't think your loan payments have to go up if you get married.
"You know you're in love when you don't want to fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." - Dr. SeussLevel of sympathy? Zero. My husband and I started marriage with over $200,000 in student debt. W got married because of the spiritual commitment it represent,s not because of the financial incentives (or repercussions) it offers. If marriage for you is defined by financial incentives, then by all means base your decision whether to make the commitment on the price of your student loans. If marriage means more than that, then do like the rest of us, get over it, and pay the price oy our student loans. You aren't "losing" money by getting married and paying them off, you are are just opting to be responsible instead of milking the system and cashing in on a ton of money you are weaseling out of paying based on a technicality.
We, too want children. We, too want nice things. We, too have a mortgage. But we view the debt we took on in order to further our education as a responsibility. W view it as something we knowingly took on and therefore must pay back rather than finding legal technicalities to get out of paying. So we sacrificed. we didnt buy new clothes/flat screen televesions/smart phonesnew cars etc. we made it work with what we had and have worked our butts off to pay off the student loans. as a result we now owe less than $100k... pretty awesome accoplishment in less than 5 years. yep, we went wothout, we complain about the loans, our friends who take advantage of teh system have nicer things than us, but we love our lives and could not be prouder pf paying off this debt so quickly. we will look back on these days and be proud of who we are, what weve dont and how weve lived.
However if you do choose to have a pretend ceremony and trick your loved ones into thinking you actually got married, no big deal. There are millions of people nationwide having children together, living together, combining their incomes in real life yet not legally marrying due to the benefit of claiming to be single moms for all the welfare and government benefits it provides, so you won't be alone. As a tax payer, I am happy to have my tax dollars go to support these families who milk the system if it means that there are actual deserving single moms elsewhere who are able reap the same benefits for their own children who actually need it. (No, I'm not trying to imply that all couples who choose to love together without getting married use this as their reason. I fully realize there are millions of other very valid reasons for living and raising families together and that thi is not why most people make that choice... But it is why *some*people make that choice, and I find it very similar in nature to the situation posed.)
ps don't forget... That student loan debt doesn't "go away" after 10 years, it just gets absorbed by the company and by tax-supported government subsidies. Debt never just "disappears" -- your school was already paid for so the debt will always exist,-- the money just comes from elsewhere with someone else paying the price. Whether it be tax payers, other borrowers like myself who choose to keep paying back, future generations of students who have a higher price of education passed onto them. By our generations refusal to pay. Etc etc. so no, the debt doesn't "disappear" it just shows up in other ways, which you, can conveniently ignore since it no longer affects you.
I would seriously consider making sure you have wills done especially once you do have a child to make sure that should something happen to one of you that the other is protected and do living wills too because without those, the other has no legal right when it comes to life and death situations because you won't be legally married.
Also keep in mind you will have to either decide on what reason you will be giving your families why you are keeping your maiden name or pay to have your last name legally changed.
As for telling your families, you will have to either lie to them, which is basically what you will be doing to your kids because they will be under the impression that you got married before having a child or tell them the truth but be prepared for backlash if you plan to have a traditional wedding that it's not a "real" wedding. Is your family good at keeping secrets? I would be concerned that someone would say something about the situation they shouldn't in front of my kids. My family is pretty good at doing things like that.
I have a teaching degree and we do not get loan forgiveness unless we GET A TEACHING JOB AND TEACH SO MANY YEARS. I have been out since 2008 and there is no getting a teaching position unless you "know or blow" the right people, therefore, I must pay back all my student loans. Having been in a similar situation with medical bills and unable to get a much needed surgery unless some family had helped out because I didn't have children and am married, I don't blame you one bit for waiting for legal marriage until the loans are forgiven.
If you explain the situation to your children and talk to them about it, they will understand, more so when they are older. And for those of you making snarky comments about screwing the system? What about the working people that are screwed by these medical card holding welfare mama's with five kids? I had a hospital finance rep tell me if I'd just have a kid I could get my surgery paid for.
I am a working, tax paying citizen and I'd rather be paying taxes on someone like you getting extra written off because you decided not to marry someone for the sake of not being out so much more money than having to pay to keep up someone that won't get an education and work and support their kids.
I understand the situation; because I am married, I am expected to pay more; even could not get anything written off or spent down when I was laid off and my husband's hours cut.