Getting married young...

lisa2008boo

So when I first came to this forum I very quickly left. I was immediately attacked and belittled for getting married young. And others in this forum were very vocal about being against young marriage. After 3 years of marriage I have come back to find that tone in this forum had toned down a bit. After 3 years of marriage I have learned a lot, but we are still going strong young or not we make it work. And love each other more than we did the day we got married. After all it is the last day that matters most not the first as our society often likes to think. I think young marriage comes down to the people involved it isn't for everyone, but it isn't horrible and off the table for everyone either. I have no regrets with my choice young marriage has it's pros and cons like anything else but for the most part we both can agree we enjoy being married over not. 

Anyone else here who married young with success? 

If you are newly married and young and have any questions please pm me I would love to chat, or you can ask questions in the comments below. =]

Leftie22

I don't think age has much to do with a relationship succeeding, either. If I had met a nice person earlier in my dating days, I would have been fine with making that commitment. As it happened, I didn't meet the right guy until I was 31. I know lots of people who married young and were committed and grew together. A relationship changes along the way for everyone, young or older, so I don't think age has much to do with it! I'm glad it worked out for you, and don't let strangers get to you too much! No one knows your relationship like you do.

lisa2008boo

Leftie22 said:

I don't think age has much to do with a relationship succeeding, either. If I had met a nice person earlier in my dating days, I would have been fine with making that commitment. As it happened, I didn't meet the right guy until I was 31. I know lots of people who married young and were committed and grew together. A relationship changes along the way for everyone, young or older, so I don't think age has much to do with it! I'm glad it worked out for you, and don't let strangers get to you too much! No one knows your relationship like you do.

I very much agree =] I am happy you found your someone even if it was at 31 the fact you found one another is all that matters. =]

tiffanysbride

Honestly I would never advise someone to get married before they've been in the real world providing for themselves for at least a year. Meaning a job, bills and a place to stay without a SO. That's my opinion and in many cases it holds true. 

I got married at 23 and DH was 24, I had DS at 25. We've been married for 8 years and together for 14 and I can tell you that a lot has changed. If you don't have the proper foundation many couples cannot make it through changes and hardship. If you do have a good relationship then the rest doesn't matter but you should realize that people give advice based on the majority not minority. 

lisa2008boo

tiffanysbride said:

Honestly I would never advise someone to get married before they've been in the real world providing for themselves for at least a year. Meaning a job, bills and a place to stay without a SO. That's my opinion and in many cases it holds true. 

I got married at 23 and DH was 24, I had DS at 25. We've been married for 8 years and together for 14 and I can tell you that a lot has changed. If you don't have the proper foundation many couples cannot make it through changes and hardship. If you do have a good relationship then the rest doesn't matter but you should realize that people give advice based on the majority not minority. 

For my situation we had both been in the real world for awhile before we got married. We had known one another a long time before we made the choice to get married. I don't advise anyone to rush into marriage when they are young and they need to be mature for their age. But most people hear young marriage and they just assume the worst. Every situation is different they should not all be mooshed together and that happens a lot. 

artbyallie

There is no such thing as 'mature for one's age.' Maturity really, truly only comes with age. Going through a bunch of shit in life tends to impede growth rather than speed it up. I was married at 23 and in retrospect was only just barely ready. I am extremely grateful that H and I have matured similarly over the last few years rather than growing apart. We were both pretty sheltered through child/teenhood and relatively naive even in college. We were both always the responsible, smart, 'mature' ones in our respective youths. That didn't mean jack in the adult world.

TattieSoup

I have to admit that my heart sinks when I hear about very young couples getting married, just because the statistics are so against them. I would discourage my children from marrying until they were at least 20 and had a chance to do something with their own lives first. I wouldn't say that though to someone who is already married, I think once they have made the decision and especially if the deed is done then people should be supportive and not judge.

When I got married I was 23 and my husband was 28 so we were a bit younger than average, but I didn't consider myself a young bride. I was quite young (19) when we got together, but I am glad we took the time before marriage to see how our relationship worked over a longer period, and to grow up a little bit - in the time we were dating I finished my BSc & MSc and got started on my PhD, and we lived together for 3 years, 1 in a rented apartment and 2 in a place we bought together. I like to think we gave ourselves the best possible start by taking it slowly, and so far we are very happy, but we have only been married 21 months so really we still have our marriage training wheels on!!

So far we are very happy but we've only been married 21 months, so hardly in a position to hand out advice!

WendyGR

I married my high school sweetheart and it ended in an awful divorce. Looking back I realize we were a terrible fit. After surviving the ordeal I married DH and I can't believe how awesome our marriage is, 7 years and going strong. Not saying everyone would have the same experience but that's what happened to me.

lisa2008boo

artbyallie said:

There is no such thing as 'mature for one's age.' Maturity really, truly only comes with age. Going through a bunch of shit in life tends to impede growth rather than speed it up. I was married at 23 and in retrospect was only just barely ready. I am extremely grateful that H and I have matured similarly over the last few years rather than growing apart. We were both pretty sheltered through child/teenhood and relatively naive even in college. We were both always the responsible, smart, 'mature' ones in our respective youths. That didn't mean jack in the adult world.

I would have to say I disagree with this. People have always told me I have an old soul. I am the oldest of three kids with a single mother the responsibility always fell on my shoulders. I have known how to clean, cook and keep house since I was 8 years old. Sadly I know what it is like to be homeless and live out of our car. I was working at 15 and paid for all my own stuff my mother never even bought me clothes after 8th grade. I moved out at 17 and provided for myself until I got married at 20. It was tough and I had to grow up fast, but it made me responsible with my money and I have always had a good head on my shoulders. I am a hard worker and I appreciate stuff because of it. I have been through more in 24 years than a lot of people have at 60.

Now at 24 I work as a 911 dispatcher making more money and better benefits than most 24 year olds without a college degree are making, Heck I am making more with better benefits than most of my friends who did go to college. My husband and I are also smart in the fact that even though we married young we are waiting to have children. We wanted to make sure we had time to enjoy marriage, living together, and get careers and all of that ironed out first. 

lisa2008boo

TattieSoup said:

I have to admit that my heart sinks when I hear about very young couples getting married, just because the statistics are so against them. I would discourage my children from marrying until they were at least 20 and had a chance to do something with their own lives first. I wouldn't say that though to someone who is already married, I think once they have made the decision and especially if the deed is done then people should be supportive and not judge.

When I got married I was 23 and my husband was 28 so we were a bit younger than average, but I didn't consider myself a young bride. I was quite young (19) when we got together, but I am glad we took the time before marriage to see how our relationship worked over a longer period, and to grow up a little bit - in the time we were dating I finished my BSc & MSc and got started on my PhD, and we lived together for 3 years, 1 in a rented apartment and 2 in a place we bought together. I like to think we gave ourselves the best possible start by taking it slowly, and so far we are very happy, but we have only been married 21 months so really we still have our marriage training wheels on!!

So far we are very happy but we've only been married 21 months, so hardly in a position to hand out advice!

I was 20 I was actually two months away from being 21. My husband is only a few months younger than me. We have been together since 8th grade we were off an on over the years and didi date other people. But we are one another's first love. So it wasn't like we barely knew one another by the time we got married we had known each other for 6 years. 

Sillygirl45

I was almost 35 when I got married. Knowing all the people I dated from 16 to 31, it would have been a disaster if I had married any of them. 

When I was 15 I met the person I thought I would be with forever. How wrong I was. 

Personally, I like knowing my H really knows how lucky he is, as do I. Because we've been through the good and bad, individually and together, we've learned what are non negotiables, and what we can live with. Not only in a partner, but in life in general.

My advice to those who want to get married young: If there is the slightest question, don't do it. If you're getting married to have (without guilt) sex, don't do it. If you're getting married because your religion says you should (but you don't really deep down agree) don't do it. If you've had multiple LONG conversations about life, goals, kids, religion, your families and how they are going to work into your married life, work ethic, household chores, MONEY, retirement, and what happens if you get divorced (seriously, you need to know)...proceed with premarital counseling and caution.

lisa2008boo

Sillygirl45 said:

I was almost 35 when I got married. Knowing all the people I dated from 16 to 31, it would have been a disaster if I had married any of them. 

When I was 15 I met the person I thought I would be with forever. How wrong I was. 

Personally, I like knowing my H really knows how lucky he is, as do I. Because we've been through the good and bad, individually and together, we've learned what are non negotiables, and what we can live with. Not only in a partner, but in life in general.

My advice to those who want to get married young: If there is the slightest question, don't do it. If you're getting married to have (without guilt) sex, don't do it. If you're getting married because your religion says you should (but you don't really deep down agree) don't do it. If you've had multiple LONG conversations about life, goals, kids, religion, your families and how they are going to work into your married life, work ethic, household chores, MONEY, retirement, and what happens if you get divorced (seriously, you need to know)...proceed with premarital counseling and caution.

I think those things are important for anyone getting married no matter if you are 20, 26, or 30. 

Age doesn't matter. when it comes down to it depends on the people involved and state of the relationship when entering into the marriage. My husband and I are Christians so marriage is very serious to us we never entered into it lightly. Marriage is in a sad state today because young and old are not taking their vows seriously a divorce is just way to easy to get today.

Sillygirl45

lisa2008boo said:

Sillygirl45 said:

I was almost 35 when I got married. Knowing all the people I dated from 16 to 31, it would have been a disaster if I had married any of them. 

When I was 15 I met the person I thought I would be with forever. How wrong I was. 

Personally, I like knowing my H really knows how lucky he is, as do I. Because we've been through the good and bad, individually and together, we've learned what are non negotiables, and what we can live with. Not only in a partner, but in life in general.

My advice to those who want to get married young: If there is the slightest question, don't do it. If you're getting married to have (without guilt) sex, don't do it. If you're getting married because your religion says you should (but you don't really deep down agree) don't do it. If you've had multiple LONG conversations about life, goals, kids, religion, your families and how they are going to work into your married life, work ethic, household chores, MONEY, retirement, and what happens if you get divorced (seriously, you need to know)...proceed with premarital counseling and caution.

I think those things are important for anyone getting married no matter if you are 20, 26, or 30. 

Age doesn't matter. when it comes down to it depends on the people involved and state of the relationship when entering into the marriage. My husband and I are Christians so marriage is very serious to us we never entered into it lightly. Marriage is in a sad state today because young and old are not taking their vows seriously a divorce is just way to easy to get today.

I completely agree.

artbyallie

lisa2008boo said: artbyallie said: There is no such thing as 'mature for one's age.' Maturity really, truly only comes with age. Going through a bunch of shit in life tends to impede growth rather than speed it up. I was married at 23 and in retrospect was only just barely ready. I am extremely grateful that H and I have matured similarly over the last few years rather than growing apart. We were both pretty sheltered through child/teenhood and relatively naive even in college. We were both always the responsible, smart, 'mature' ones in our respective youths. That didn't mean jack in the adult world. I would have to say I disagree with this. People have always told me I have an old soul. I am the oldest of three kids with a single mother the responsibility always fell on my shoulders. I have known how to clean, cook and keep house since I was 8 years old. Sadly I know what it is like to be homeless and live out of our car. I was working at 15 and paid for all my own stuff my mother never even bought me clothes after 8th grade. I moved out at 17 and provided for myself until I got married at 20. It was tough and I had to grow up fast, but it made me responsible with my money and I have always had a good head on my shoulders. I am a hard worker and I appreciate stuff because of it. I have been through more in 24 years than a lot of people have at 60.
Now at 24 I work as a 911 dispatcher making more money and better benefits than most 24 year olds without a college degree are making, Heck I am making more with better benefits than most of my friends who did go to college. My husband and I are also smart in the fact that even though we married young we are waiting to have children. We wanted to make sure we had time to enjoy marriage, living together, and get careers and all of that ironed out first. 



Well, I was trying to make the point that 'growing up fast' really stunts one's emotional growth.

ETA: I don't know why my fucking quote boxes mess up like that sometimes.

lisa2008boo

artbyallie said:

lisa2008boo said:

artbyallie said:

There is no such thing as 'mature for one's age.' Maturity really, truly only comes with age. Going through a bunch of shit in life tends to impede growth rather than speed it up. I was married at 23 and in retrospect was only just barely ready. I am extremely grateful that H and I have matured similarly over the last few years rather than growing apart. We were both pretty sheltered through child/teenhood and relatively naive even in college. We were both always the responsible, smart, 'mature' ones in our respective youths. That didn't mean jack in the adult world.

I would have to say I disagree with this. People have always told me I have an old soul. I am the oldest of three kids with a single mother the responsibility always fell on my shoulders. I have known how to clean, cook and keep house since I was 8 years old. Sadly I know what it is like to be homeless and live out of our car. I was working at 15 and paid for all my own stuff my mother never even bought me clothes after 8th grade. I moved out at 17 and provided for myself until I got married at 20. It was tough and I had to grow up fast, but it made me responsible with my money and I have always had a good head on my shoulders. I am a hard worker and I appreciate stuff because of it. I have been through more in 24 years than a lot of people have at 60.

Now at 24 I work as a 911 dispatcher making more money and better benefits than most 24 year olds without a college degree are making, Heck I am making more with better benefits than most of my friends who did go to college. My husband and I are also smart in the fact that even though we married young we are waiting to have children. We wanted to make sure we had time to enjoy marriage, living together, and get careers and all of that ironed out first. 

Well, I was trying to make the point that 'growing up fast' really stunts one's emotional growth.

ETA: I don't know why my fucking quote boxes mess up like that sometimes.

Go home quote box your drunk! LOL =]

TattieSoup

lisa2008boo said:

TattieSoup said:

I have to admit that my heart sinks when I hear about very young couples getting married, just because the statistics are so against them. I would discourage my children from marrying until they were at least 20 and had a chance to do something with their own lives first. I wouldn't say that though to someone who is already married, I think once they have made the decision and especially if the deed is done then people should be supportive and not judge.

When I got married I was 23 and my husband was 28 so we were a bit younger than average, but I didn't consider myself a young bride. I was quite young (19) when we got together, but I am glad we took the time before marriage to see how our relationship worked over a longer period, and to grow up a little bit - in the time we were dating I finished my BSc & MSc and got started on my PhD, and we lived together for 3 years, 1 in a rented apartment and 2 in a place we bought together. I like to think we gave ourselves the best possible start by taking it slowly, and so far we are very happy, but we have only been married 21 months so really we still have our marriage training wheels on!!

So far we are very happy but we've only been married 21 months, so hardly in a position to hand out advice!

I was 20 I was actually two months away from being 21. My husband is only a few months younger than me. We have been together since 8th grade we were off an on over the years and didi date other people. But we are one another's first love. So it wasn't like we barely knew one another by the time we got married we had known each other for 6 years. 

My comments were just general comments, not specifically about you. Like I said, once someone is married or even made the decision to marry I think they should get the same recognition and support as anyone else regardless of age or any other factor.

lifeonthehill

I got married at 21. We are only 3 months in but things have been great. 

My family was upset with the engagement but really love my H and I think they are all okay with it now. We have been paying off H student loans as fast as we can and have payed off over 14 grand in six months time. Our families didn't know we had been doing that and saw us living frugally and assumed we were being irresponsible financially and were broke. Post wedding when the news of our debt pay down plan spread around everyone who had bad mouthed us had their foot in their mouths and a lot of the apologized. 

We plan to pay off the remaining nineteen thousand dollars so we can fully fund our 401K and then save a ten thousand dollar nest egg while we start TTC. I am sure when everyone finds out we are TTC or when we get pregnant there will be all sorts of similar feelings as their were toward the wedding but I am just happy to be living the life I have been dreaming of. 

Maybride2

I just don't understand defining your marriage by how old you were when you said your vows. If you're happy, why continue bringing this up? What are you trying to prove, and to who?

sillygoosegirl

I was 22 when I got married, and while I didn't feel that young, I certainly got a lot of grief about it on here, and some IRL as well.  

I'm 31 now, and I've seen friends make good and bad choices about who to marry.  I've seen slightly more bad choices among the young (along with a significantly lower rate of staying in a failed marriage), but I have not yet seen any marriage fail because of age.  I've also seen some individuals fail to reach their full personal potential due to giving up on their education or other personal goals when they got married... but I've seen others reach further than I think they would have otherwise with the assistance of a supportive spouse.  I really think it all comes down to who you marry, and the right age just comes down to when you meet the right person.

GilliC

It kind of sounded like that was what you were after.

Kimbus22

What's young?  I was 23.  I don't regret it.  I'm 32 now and we're happy.  But I was barely an adult.  I'm lucky we've done this well.

R.Wilsonny

GilliC said:

It kind of sounded like that was what you were after.

Yea, this is what I'm understanding from OP's post too. OP, that's great that your marriage is on the right track, but you should realize that the odds are stacked against couples who marry young. If you felt getting married at a young age was right for you, then more power to you. Some people don't agree with marrying at a young age, but that's just a matter of opinion which you can take at face value. I personally waited until I was older to get married and was very happy that I did. But that's just me.

Wishing you luck for the future.

ReturnOfKuus

This board didn't "tone down" - pretty much everyone left.  There's a difference.

And yes, Lisa, I remember why we all thought that you were too young to get married.  And lol at the "old soul" thing.

rlyttle

I would never advise anyone to get married young. I've wasn't married young, so I don't have experience with how it works. I was young before though and now looking back I was a totally different person then... for the most part. I didn't get married till I was 27, almost 28 and sometimes I think that was too young. It's just really hard to know what type of a partner you want for the REST OF YOUR LIFE when you are young. You are still learning who you are, so it's hard to make a life long commitment when you are still learning about yourself. I know it works out for some though. GL!

SmrBrd2012

To each their own, and sure, young marriages can certainly last, but I don't see the rush in getting married young, especially with the statistics against you. You can still be dating the person who you think you MIGHT want to get married to in the meantime. I got married at 27 and I wouldn't have had it any other way. Was with my H for 6 years by the time we were married and we were "settled into adulthood" by then. On the other hand, I know a couple that was together for almost a decade before they got married at 30, were married for 5 years, and are now calling it quits, so you just never know what will happen.

jennifermcnatt

I think it varies and depends on the couple. One age does not fit all. My best friend and her husband were 18 and 21 when they were married.  Have Married  for 10 years and 4 beautiful kids. My husband and I bot married when we were 27. Doing great!!  I have also known people that get married young and divorce and people that get married when they are older and have bad marriages. So it all depends on the couple in my eyes. Some 20 year olds are not ready for marriage others are.

Onceinalovetime

A marriage doesn't fail because of the age you got married, a marriage fails either A. You weren't right for each other when you got married B. You gave up. If you vow to be with somebody forever it is your responsibility to fight through the hard times and make it work.

Before we got married we were watching tv and saw a discussion on Pre nuptual agreements, we both wondered why anybody in their right mind would do that. You are setting yourself up for a divorce. If you take divorce off the table from the start and agree that you love each other enough to make it work, then there shouldn't be an issue.

Divorce has NOTHING to do with age and anybody who doesn't agree with something because of statistics is a ding dong in my book.

I just got married and we are 20 and 24. Don't let anybody tell you that you made a bad choice girl. At least we get a longer time to spend with our husbands: )

 

 

lisa2008boo

I find it funny this board is all about statistics yet they seem to ignore the ones about living together. I can't even tell you how many times I have seen people here tell couples they should live together before marriage, yet statistics show that couples who do so have a higher divorce rate. Yes it is true getting married young can lead to divorce but is it the cause? No especially in a day in age when over half of all marriages are ending anyway. It really has nothing to do with age in my opinion it has everything to do with the people. They say that if you can get past year 7 you are pretty well good to go because years 5-7 are the highest for divorce at any age. 

I was never suggesting everyone go around telling young people to get married. But if someone has decided it is for them I think it is wrong for someone to talk them out of it based on age alone. It's not fair to stereotype like that. 

lisa2008boo

ReturnOfKuus said:

This board didn't "tone down" - pretty much everyone left.  There's a difference.

And yes, Lisa, I remember why we all thought that you were too young to get married.  And lol at the "old soul" thing.

I love how you think you know everything about me from the internet. So much more in fact than people who have known me from birth. 

Onceinalovetime

The people talking about statistics make no sense. If you really loved the person that you were with, then why would you let "statistics" get in the way of your marriage? Maybe that is one of the reasons divorce rates are so high. People all of the sudden think they should follow what society thinks, then they forget about how they really feel. If you follow what everybody else around you thinks, then you are doomed to fail from the start.

artbyallie

Onceinalovetime said:

A marriage doesn't fail because of the age you got married, a marriage fails either A. You weren't right for each other when you got married B. You gave up. If you vow to be with somebody forever it is your responsibility to fight through the hard times and make it work.

Before we got married we were watching tv and saw a discussion on Pre nuptual agreements, we both wondered why anybody in their right mind would do that. You are setting yourself up for a divorce. If you take divorce off the table from the start and agree that you love each other enough to make it work, then there shouldn't be an issue.

Divorce has NOTHING to do with age and anybody who doesn't agree with something because of statistics is a ding dong in my book.

I just got married and we are 20 and 24. Don't let anybody tell you that you made a bad choice girl. At least we get a longer time to spend with our husbands: )

 

 

Newsflash: A lack of a pre-nup does NOT prevent divorce from happening. We didn't do one because we are too poor to bother.