Trouble in Paradise
HandBanana
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
second time i have caught him cheating online
This is my first time posting on the nest in a while. I just
really don't know who to talk to or go to. I'm sorry if this is rambling
or incoherent.
We haven't been married long. Almost 4 years and we were together for two years or 3 before that. This is the second time I have caught him. The first time was when we were dating. We never went to therapy. We didn't all out ignore it. I just thought we could handle it ourselves. He looked up what to do to regain my trust. He talked about it openly and why he felt he did it. I slowly forgave him.
The first time it was on accident that I found his hidden email account where he had not only responded to craigslist adds but he had clearly posted some. In the emails he talked about meeting up with them but he said he had never actually met any of them. We started from square one. There were a few slip ups too. Like when I found one of the craigslist persons had made a facebook account (fake name with 5 friends) and he had not only friended them but messaged with them about how he couldn't speak to them because he was focusing on his relationship.
I forgave him but I don't think the trust was completely repaired. I would still snoop on his phone up until about two years ago.Last night I was searching for something and using his phone (my phone is dead.) I saw that he had made some craigslist posts from his phone that were verified via text. I then found he had an email created and attached to his personal email. There were craigslist posting replies and his own postings.
Again he says he hasn't met any and that he was "bored."
On my side we haven't been having sex regularly. It is something we have talked about but it has a lot to do with my lack of libido lately and his work schedule (we see each other twice a week.)
I don't even know where to go with this. I don't want to tell friends/family because if we move past this I don't want it to be something they know about. I'm feeling lost and alone.
We are trying to make an appointment with a therapist and I asked for his passwords to any sites he is on.
We haven't been married long. Almost 4 years and we were together for two years or 3 before that. This is the second time I have caught him. The first time was when we were dating. We never went to therapy. We didn't all out ignore it. I just thought we could handle it ourselves. He looked up what to do to regain my trust. He talked about it openly and why he felt he did it. I slowly forgave him.
The first time it was on accident that I found his hidden email account where he had not only responded to craigslist adds but he had clearly posted some. In the emails he talked about meeting up with them but he said he had never actually met any of them. We started from square one. There were a few slip ups too. Like when I found one of the craigslist persons had made a facebook account (fake name with 5 friends) and he had not only friended them but messaged with them about how he couldn't speak to them because he was focusing on his relationship.
I forgave him but I don't think the trust was completely repaired. I would still snoop on his phone up until about two years ago.Last night I was searching for something and using his phone (my phone is dead.) I saw that he had made some craigslist posts from his phone that were verified via text. I then found he had an email created and attached to his personal email. There were craigslist posting replies and his own postings.
Again he says he hasn't met any and that he was "bored."
On my side we haven't been having sex regularly. It is something we have talked about but it has a lot to do with my lack of libido lately and his work schedule (we see each other twice a week.)
I don't even know where to go with this. I don't want to tell friends/family because if we move past this I don't want it to be something they know about. I'm feeling lost and alone.
We are trying to make an appointment with a therapist and I asked for his passwords to any sites he is on.
Re: second time i have caught him cheating online
I wish there was a right/wrong answer and someone could just tell me what to do or I could see forward 5-10 years and know it would be okay.
Who wants to be divorced before 30? I know that isn't why you stay in a marriage but it is a nagging thought.
I also misspoke about how long we have been married. We have only been married for 2 and a half years almost 3. I'm a little out of it. Didn't get enough sleep last night and my mental state isn't there.
We haven't been married long. Almost 4 years and we were together for two years or 3 before that. This is the second time I have caught him. The first time was when we were dating. We never went to therapy. We didn't all out ignore it. I just thought we could handle it ourselves. He looked up what to do to regain my trust. He talked about it openly and why he felt he did it. I slowly forgave him.
The first time it was on accident that I found his hidden email account where he had not only responded to craigslist adds but he had clearly posted some. In the emails he talked about meeting up with them but he said he had never actually met any of them. We started from square one. There were a few slip ups too. Like when I found one of the craigslist persons had made a by Coupon Companion Plugin" id="_GPLITA_1" href="http://forums.thenest.com/discussion/12008742/second-time-i-have-caught-him-cheating-online#">facebook
I forgave him but I don't think the trust was completely repaired. I would still snoop on his phone up until about two years ago.Last night I was searching for something and using his phone (my phone is dead.) I saw that he had made some craigslist posts from his phone that were verified via text. I then found he had an email created and attached to his personal email. There were craigslist posting replies and his own postings.
Again he says he hasn't met any and that he was "bored."
On my side we haven't been having sex regularly. It is something we have talked about but it has a lot to do with my lack of by Coupon Companion Plugin" id="_GPLITA_0" href="http://forums.thenest.com/discussion/12008742/second-time-i-have-caught-him-cheating-online#">libido
I don't even know where to go with this. I don't want to tell friends/family because if we move past this I don't want it to be something they know about. I'm feeling lost and alone.
We are trying to make an appointment with a therapist and I asked for his passwords to any sites he is on."
fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. you should leave before you waste any more of your time. he doesn't care enough about your feelings. i'm so sorry!
I'm not complaining it is just hard to hear what you don't want to hear. I don't plan on only using online support. I have been at work and unable to do anything other than think about this and how I can't tell anyone, we can't go to couples therapy till Thursday, and I won't see him till Thursday.
I have always been someone that said they wouldn't accept infidelity and look at me.
I never thought of myself as that woman but I can feel a strong part of me wanting to ignore it and pretend like it never happened.
Because that is the easy thing to do. Bury your head in the sand.
You have a few choices here.
1. be divorced before you are thirty but go on to have a wonderful life with a man that respects, admires and cherishes you.
2. Be 32-33 and have a husband that has cheated on you 3 times and from there go on to be married to a man that has cheated on her even more times.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life wondering what kind of horrible diseases he is exposing you to every time you have sex ?
And what is the point of having his passwords. He can simply create new accounts ?
He works nights so I am spending this time journaling and reflecting before we go to therapy.
I can't believe he did this again. This is the only real issue we have ever had. We don't crazy fight. If we have a disagreement we will have a discussion, maybe an argument, but nothing unhealthy. We don't fight in front of others and we don't talk negatively about each other to friends. We are the couple that is that picture of happy endings that my friends all say "I want that." I feel like a liar. I feel like my life is built on lies and I am angry at him for that.
so, you caught him the 1st time and really did nothing to address it except him looking something up on line.
now you caught him AGAIN and are still considering staying?
hmmm.....I wonder WHY he thinks its ok
What I have learned from my own life in this situations is how easy it is to say what to do when you aren't in the situation.
I'm not looking for you all to tell me it will be okay and to be nice nice but I didn't think some of you would have such know it all attitudes about something like this. I mean I expect this on The Knot when a bride comes on to try and talk shit about her BM not being able to afford a destination bachelorette but not about something like infidelity and divorce.
eta: not all replies. I can handle straight forward advice. It is what I came here for. The implication from the poster above that I was asking for it by forgiving him originally are bothersome.
Not that I have made a decision I just don't know.
It feels unreal to think of divorce. I was so naively happy 24 hours ago.
Sorry. Stuff is kind of sinking in more now.
really? my response was bothersome? because I called you out on ignoring a huge problem BEFORE you got married? you married a man who cheated on you, you did not deal with it, and now you are surprised? im sorry if that is bothersome. I don't know how else to tell you that married a cheater, who has done it more than once and if you want to be respected you need to stop allowing it.
I don't know what you want to do --- do you want to work through this with him or do you wish to move on?
The choice is yours.
To me, once a cheater, always one and when they do it once they will do it again.
Again, whether you go or stay and work this out with him is your choice. GL.
PS: Ask for no passwords.
You aren't a cop or his mother and it is of no use; he can get other passwords to other places using other names. That you have to have this kind of sword of Damocles over your head is bad news alone.
really? my response was bothersome? because I called you out on ignoring a huge problem BEFORE you got married? you married a man who cheated on you, you did not deal with it, and now you are surprised? im sorry if that is bothersome. I don't know how else to tell you that married a cheater, who has done it more than once and if you want to be respected you need to stop allowing it.
I use to sit on pretty high horse too.I don't mind straightforward advice but the holier than thou attitude in something as serious as divorce and infidelity is over the top. Reminds me of the knot but on the knot it was appropriate in those shallow topics.
We did deal with it. The only thing I said was we didn't go to therapy about it. We dealt with it he accepted blame we moved on.
A guy like this has cheating on his mind, even if he hasn't physically done anything.
I don't know what you want to do --- do you want to work through this with him or do you wish to move on?
The choice is yours.
To me, once a cheater, always one and when they do it once they will do it again.
Again, whether you go or stay and work this out with him is your choice. GL.
PS: Ask for no passwords.
You aren't a cop or his mother and it is of no use; he can get other passwords to other places using other names. That you have to have this kind of sword of Damocles over your head is bad news alone.
That is how I felt about the passwords the first time. This time I just don't know.
I don't want to file for divorce but I don't want to be in a marriage of lies.
Nothing holier than thou about telling you that you obviously didn't REALLY deal with it if he did it again. If you want to continue to deny that, that's ok. no one wants to admit that maybe they were fooled, especially since they really loved that person. no one wants to admit that the
person they married wasn't who they thought they were.
you were looking for advice, I gave mine....stop wasting your time with this lying cheater, expect more for yourself, and stop allowing a man to treat you like crap. the nerve of me I know.
sorry if that isn't what you wanted to hear or how you wanted to hear it, but you don't get to choose how people respond. maybe you should actually listen to what im saying instead of getting defensive about how I said it.
you are right you don't know my story, but I can tell you that its not a high horse im talking from, its from past experience.
I was thinking of taking a personal day on Friday. It is the day after therapy and the day of a family photo with my in laws. I'm worried that a personal day will make things worse if I am not at work and busy. I feel like this is all in my head with the only people I have talked to being on the internet and myself (journaling.)
Our insurance won't cover couples therapy. The cover individual though and he is scheduling us for that. He is trying to find a place with a sliding pay scale. This situation is terrible but then our opposite schedules is making it even harder to communicate about what is going on.
The other part being a work in a small divorce firm (11 people total) and it isn't like a big place where I just put in a slip. This is a small place and I never take personal days.
I don't want to file for divorce but I don't want to be in a marriage of lies.
I guarantee you that this mess will go on. He'll take advantage of you being a doormat and do it repeatedly.
Why would you want to stay married to somebody who is making it crystal clear he does not want to be in a committed relationship with you?
Get out before a child enters the picture. You will really be stuck with him then! Even if you divorce him after a kiddo comes along, you're going to have him on your hands until your child reaches majority.
If you stay with him, you aren't saying much about yourself. You are more or less telling him "it's fine that I am married to an adulterer."
If you and he were a couple when he did this before you were married, you indeed needed to tell him goodbye then, as I said.