second time i have caught him cheating online

Sillygirl45

sarahb061 said:

i am not a kiddo, and that messages was not totally directed to you per say, I shouldn't have to leave a "PM" , people should learn to respect other people opinions and beliefs before name calling. Its bullying an where you may think you are helping someone you are only making them feel as worthless as they already feel, I can not stand that, an I can not stand people who can not respect others views an opinions  an respond respectfully.

and you mean to say that posting s fair game so if someone starting calling you names you wouldn't say something?

If someone disagrees with something I post, I take their point into account and think about why they feel that way. They're not being mean. They're presenting another point of view. It's the reason people read these forums and post on them. 

When you post a situation so extreme, as you did, it makes people upset for you. It makes people feel strongly because they can't believe someone would feel so little about themselves they would put up with that and then marry the situation with eyes wide open to the problems...then to say God wants them to work on the marriage is icing on the cake. This didn't happen after marriage. It was long before. Telling OP it's ok to put up with a cheating liar because you did is wrong. You have every right to post it, but don't expect no one will disagree with you.

GilliC

@sarahb061, I respectfully disagree with your anecdotal advice.

I, too, was in a marriage that involved infidelity, but we wanted to fix the underlying problems and make the marriage work. We bought into the whole idea that "people give up too easily."

First, you have to be completely sure you understand why the infidelity happened in the first place. If you can't address the root cause, you have no hope of preventing history from repeating itself. Ultimatums and heartfelt conversations aren't enough, and you have to really understand what was missing in the relationship that led to the problem.

We stayed together for years. I was proud that we made it through this, and I always felt annoyed with the common Nest advice to leave instantly. It's possible to recover. Maybe. We worked extremely hard, and we thought we had dealt with the problem.

Second, it doesn't always work out. After years of hard work keeping our marriage "happy" ("tolerable" is probably more accurate), we realized that we had only addressed symptoms of the underlying problem. We were simply not a good match for each other.

Splitting up was the best decision we've made, and we're both enormously more happy. Moreover, we have both moved on to new relationships that are much healthier for us each as individuals. Based on the differences I see now, compared to our marriage, I do not buy into the idea "once a cheater, always a cheater" idea, but I do suspect that "Once a cheater in a given relationship, highly likely to cheat again in the same relationship."

dragon_chica

@sarahb061:

1. If he loved you WHY did he do the things he did more than once?  That doesn't sound like love to me.

2. You theorize that he acted the way he did because you abstained for 2 months prior to the wedding.  Once you deem things hunky dory and you decide to create life with this guy what's to say he won't do it again if you couldn't have sex for some reason.  When I was PG the doc ordered no sex due to some bleeding.  My DH didn't get any sex for almost my entire pregnancy and 7 weeks post-partum.  Did that mean he went out and cheated?  Nope, he's a real man that respects his marriage vows.  This happened with both pregnancies and he took it in stride because he loves me.  THAT, is love.  If not pregnancy what if you suffer an injury and is bedridden?  There is never an excuse to cheat but you're excusing it away.  I really do feel sad for you.  My self-esteem isn't the greatest but I would NEVER be ok with any cheating before or during marriage.

3. PLEASE proofread.  It really is difficult to read your writing with so many errors.  And I'm not talking about sporadic errors.  It really is almost every sentence.  And the reality is, whether on this forum or in real life you will be judged for your lack of writing skills.  Whether you are or not it makes you look uneducated and people will take you less seriously.

Now, if anything I said sounds mean and offensive (which I really tried not to do) then you might need to ask yourself why you're reacting this way.  Why does the opinion of strangers matter and affect you that much?  Is it because you are not even that confident in your decision to stay in this cheating marriage?  Are you fighting for this marriage in hopes to come out as a winner so people can pat you on the back for getting through it?

jellybean529

HandBanana said:

Again, hard to hear what you font want to hear but I need to hear these things. He works nights so I am spending this time journaling and reflecting before we go to therapy. I can't believe he did this again. This is the only real issue we have ever had. We don't crazy fight. If we have a disagreement we will have a discussion, maybe an argument, but nothing unhealthy. We don't fight in front of others and we don't talk negatively about each other to friends. We are the couple that is that picture of happy endings that my friends all say "I want that." I feel like a liar. I feel like my life is built on lies and I am angry at him for that.

I feel like I could have written this same exact paragraph, except I'm 33, and my XH and I are divorcing after almost 9 years of marriage and 13 years together. For the same reason. He couldn't stop having online affairs and eventually it spilled over into a real life "thing". And we have a five year old daughter to add to the mix.

In my experience...you have to leave. You do not want to spend your whole life looking over your shoulder and wondering "what next". You deserve happiness. You have given him a second chance, one he did not deserve, and he ruined it. His loss, not yours.

dmndsr4eva

HandBanana said:

The only advice I have gotten is to leave him. I also shared on an Infidelity Support Group Site.

I'm not complaining it is just hard to hear what you don't want to hear. I don't plan on only using online support. I have been at work and unable to do anything other than think about this and how I can't tell anyone, we can't go to couples therapy till Thursday, and I won't see him till Thursday.

I have always been someone that said they wouldn't accept infidelity and look at me.

He has clearly proven that he will not be faithful.  It is now up to you to decide if you can accept him that way.  He already told you he wouldn't do it anymore and clearly he is.  I found my FI texting other women inappropriately when we were going through a very bad period in our relationship.  I ended up forgiving him but I'd like to think if I ever found evidence of this again I would leave.  But is is scary to think of being alone and scary to think the next guy might do the same thing.  I am sorry you are going through this.  Just know this is not something you have to decide today but eventually you will have to decide if you want to live in that kind of relationship.

PeonyforMe

Dear Sweet One,

My heart aches for the situation you're in, and even more for how some people are speaking to you.  As a woman, we want our fairy tale, no matter the age.  It is confusing when so many things work in a relationship, but something like maintaining ones fidelity, doesn't.  Above all else, you must have trust as a foundation for a healthy relationship.  When violated, it's tough to rebuild, as you already know. 

My concern is that he cheated before you were married.  I hate to say it, but I think this was the red flag you tried to paint another color.  Been there myself.  Were you having sex regularly before marriage?  Was it a mutually satisfying?  I'm not pointing the finger at you, I'm trying to draw a parallel to HIS behavior.  Men cheat because they cheat.  Yes, sex is part of a healthy relationship, but unless he's coming to you and expressing a concern or ultimatum, he's cheating because he's a cheater.  Just my opinion.

I don't like saying this either, but I think you've let him know cheating is ok, and an acceptable standard, by not walking away.  Right now, he's more committed to cheating than he is to honesty or integrity, regardless if he shows up for therapy or not. 

You definitely need help with this, and I think you're correct not to air your laundry with family, and probably most friends for that matter.  You might choose coaching or counselling for yourself, separate from your couples therapy.  It's good to take a look at what your own core fears could be in this situation.  Example, are you fearful you'll never find anyone that you get along with so well?  Is it fearful pride (being the couple everyone wants to be) that keeps you in this relationship?   I believe we have to dig deep into ourselves to find both our answers, and our power when faced with challenges.  And yes, I know its hard, and it just plain sucks, too.  ;-)  

Holding you in my prayers.

MegEn1

OP,

Personally I don't like how every post regarding these stories is 'Leave the bum!' It's for better or for worse - at least to TRY for better or for worse. Only you can decide what is an outright deal breaker for you.

My recommendation would be to think before you do anything. Think about six months or a year from now. What could he possibly do to regain your trust? Is it even possible? Do you even want to at this point? Try to figure out what you need from him in order to try to save this marriage.

Talk to him. Make it clear that he has screwed up. It may not be possible to restore the trust between you two, but if he wants to and if he is committed to making it work (and if you want to go through the hell of trying to trust him again) then you give him the opportunity to do so. It's no promise that all will be well, but if you and he both want things to be well again you should try.

I've never done counseling save for when I was very young, but I've heard it said that it can do so much good. I'd say this should be the first thing that he has to agree to in order to be granted the opportunity to try and gain your trust again. At the end of the day, after trying everything to work it out, it might not work. You might not be able to trust him again. If that is where things land, at least you know.

But I've never been in this situation - I'm not even married yet. I just don't think that the knee-jerk 'dump the bum' is always the correct response in every situation, though it is the most common advice.

Best of luck.

GilliC

MegEn1 said:

OP,

Personally I don't like how every post regarding these stories is 'Leave the bum!' It's for better or for worse - at least to TRY for better or for worse. Only you can decide what is an outright deal breaker for you.

I don't think "every" post actually says that.

MegEn1 said:

My recommendation would be to think before you do anything. Think about six months or a year from now. What could he possibly do to regain your trust? Is it even possible? Do you even want to at this point? Try to figure out what you need from him in order to try to save this marriage.

You mean like, now? Since the original post was last December, it's already been 10 months. I think this shipped has sailed, sweetheart. 

MegEn1 said:

Talk to him. Make it clear that he has screwed up. It may not be possible to restore the trust between you two, but if he wants to and if he is committed to making it work (and if you want to go through the hell of trying to trust him again) then you give him the opportunity to do so. It's no promise that all will be well, but if you and he both want things to be well again you should try.

I've never done counseling save for when I was very young, but I've heard it said that it can do so much good. I'd say this should be the first thing that he has to agree to in order to be granted the opportunity to try and gain your trust again. At the end of the day, after trying everything to work it out, it might not work. You might not be able to trust him again. If that is where things land, at least you know.

But I've never been in this situation - I'm not even married yet. I just don't think that the knee-jerk 'dump the bum' is always the correct response in every situation, though it is the most common advice.

Best of luck.

Well, that makes you incredibly qualified to offer advice on the subject!

MegEn1

GilliC said:

MegEn1 said:

OP,

Personally I don't like how every post regarding these stories is 'Leave the bum!' It's for better or for worse - at least to TRY for better or for worse. Only you can decide what is an outright deal breaker for you.

I don't think "every" post actually says that.

MegEn1 said:

My recommendation would be to think before you do anything. Think about six months or a year from now. What could he possibly do to regain your trust? Is it even possible? Do you even want to at this point? Try to figure out what you need from him in order to try to save this marriage.

You mean like, now? Since the original post was last December, it's already been 10 months. I think this shipped has sailed, sweetheart. 

MegEn1 said:

Talk to him. Make it clear that he has screwed up. It may not be possible to restore the trust between you two, but if he wants to and if he is committed to making it work (and if you want to go through the hell of trying to trust him again) then you give him the opportunity to do so. It's no promise that all will be well, but if you and he both want things to be well again you should try.

I've never done counseling save for when I was very young, but I've heard it said that it can do so much good. I'd say this should be the first thing that he has to agree to in order to be granted the opportunity to try and gain your trust again. At the end of the day, after trying everything to work it out, it might not work. You might not be able to trust him again. If that is where things land, at least you know.

But I've never been in this situation - I'm not even married yet. I just don't think that the knee-jerk 'dump the bum' is always the correct response in every situation, though it is the most common advice.

Best of luck.

Well, that makes you incredibly qualified to offer advice on the subject!

Seriously you went through and bolded my post to say ... what, exactly? Was there anything in there that contributed at all? To anything? At all, anywhere on the internet? No.

Grow up.

GilliC

MegEn1 said:

Seriously you went through and bolded my post to say ... what, exactly? Was there anything in there that contributed at all? To anything? At all, anywhere on the internet? No.

Grow up.

You replied to a 10-month-old post that hasn't seen any traffic in months to say ... what, exactly?

(To answer your question, "Welcome to The Nest!"  )

magsugar13

looks like the nest crew is trying to stir up the place since it sucks and is dead.

desperate