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Unhappy with DH because of finances
DH and I have only been married for 11 months, but I have become very unhappy with our financial situation. I work full time and bring in just enough money for us to scrape by. His father owns a window cleaning business and so he helps him clean windows. There are 3 major problems with this:
1. His father should be listing him as an employee, but since he doesn't want to have to pay FICA taxes for him he just hands him a check every week. Come tax time my husband is expected to pay tax on this money but since he didn't set any of it aside to do so, my entire would-be-return (~$2500) goes towards what he owes. Before getting married his parents claimed him as a dependent so he didn't have to worry about paying taxes. Now it's a huge issue and I'm still not even sure how we're supposed to handle it.
2. He doesn't get any type of benefits or a retirement account set up. That means that I have to shell out an extra $250 a month to pay for his insurance and he won't have a dime to his name when he gets to retirement.
3. Some weeks he doesn't have any jobs at all or very few so he barely brings in anything. When he finally does get a nice chunk of money he feels the urge to go out an blow it on anything he can to make himself happy (phones, phone accessories, video games) instead of offering to help with some of the credit card debt that have accrued while I have been using them to buy groceries and pay bills.
I've become so frustrated and unhappy and I literally dwell on it all day every day. I get to the point where I start nagging him like crazy and it just starts to piss him off. I've tried sitting down and calmy telling him how I feel, and ask nicely if he could try to get a real job to lessen my burden a little and he just tells me that he is scared to leave his father and he is afraid of change. He tells me that he'll do it, but will be miserable. But then after a few days pass he makes no real effort and we are just back to square one.
I am completely stuck. I am so unhappy and it just seems to be getting worse. What do I do? Continue nagging him and hope that one day he gets the clue?
Re: Unhappy with DH because of finances
You should have asked yourself, "If we get married, what kind of a salary and other benefits will he bring to our table? Suppose I can no longer work after we are married; how is he going to support us both on the job he has right now?"
You and he also should have discussed money before you got married. That discussion would have included his current employment and how it would impact the BOTH of you.
I do not like his spending and saving philosophy -- he is no longer a kid! He can't live for the day and just spend "his" money like he is free and single.
Counseling for the both of you --- and financial counseling for the both of you.
And for him: the "help wanted" section of the paper, the "employment opportunities" section of your local paper's on-line edition and a RESUME, updated and ready to go. He has to get out of there. Fook "being scared" to leave his father. He has a wife to support and a future to look after.
What also is shitty is the fact that YOU are paying for his health insurance -- and he doesn't seem to care that you are. This is lack of character and immaturity -- why did you marry such a middle schooler???
GL.
I've noticed a few things that are wrong with your situation. You mention "mine" and "his" alot like you having to pay for things of his. Your married there is no more "mine" and "his" - only "ours". Start thinking about everything as an "ours" and it changes the way you think about it - and it changes his actions based on it. Work up a joint budget and start talking to him about how much WE are spending on groceries, gas, restaurants, bills, etc. Your just basically taking care of him and letting him get away with having zero responsibilities. He doesn't have to worry about paying bills then he doesn't have to worry about making money. its not about helping you- its about doing it together. Its OUR money, OUR tax return. Show him the reality of the situation. If you have to use credit cards for gas and groceries then you aren't scraping by - your spending more then your bringing in. Show him on paper that the math doesn't work and he needs to bring in X amount atleast each month to just break even.
Nagging doesn't work - it will just build hostility in your marriage. You gotta work together. If he sees the situation and sees that you can't pay the bills and is okay borrowing money to live on every month and still refuses to change anything then i'd be very surprised. But you gotta cut up that credit card and stop borrowing money.
Why did you get yourself knocked up??? Nobody uses protection anymore? Is this a Generation Y thing or what?
A kiddo in the picture and he cannot provide for a wife, let alone provide for a child and wife.
I don't know how you can get him to grow up but you need to do this:
ASAP: Sit down with him and tell him he has to find another job. There's a wife and child involved.
It's a must he find another job --- shit, weeks without work??? How in heck are you putting up with that? NOT acceptable.
You and he need to sign up with a financial counselor. Again, this is an immaturity thing --- how old IS this guy? His spending habits are like a middle schooler's.
His father needs to be reported to your state division of wage and hours and to the IRS and to the state department of the treasury. I will bet you that he is doing the same to every employee he has. Who knows what else his father is hiding?
We started shopping for our first home 2 months ago. We have looked at 7 homes and put in 4 offers. We have been outbid on 3 of them, and the 4th is a HUD that we put a bid on, we are waiting to hear whether or not we won the bid. I'm honestly not expecting to get it even though we offered over $6000 above list price.
The competition is just so tough right now! There aren't many houses on the market, but there are a ton of buyers. Anytime we go look at a house there is someone both before and after us looking at it. Most aren't even on the market for a week before going under contract. Has anyone else gone through an experience like this and were you finally able to land a home?
Are you crackers??? You just said you're struggling due to what is a one paycheck marriage and that one paycheck is yours!!!
And you are accruing credit card debt because of what's going on!
Hold the phone in regard to buying a home.
You cannot afford it. PERIOD.
Buy NO HOME now, or in the very distant future.
As for this, you file jointly. The IRS has walk in offices; look on their website. I suggest that you AND he both pay a visit.
Tell the truth and let Junior face the music.
Let him know life is real and all of that thing. Geez....
This is my first year being married to DH and I'm trying to figure out how to file our taxes. He works for his father's window cleaning business and in the past his parents got off by claiming him as a dependent, putting all the income under the business and paying all the taxes. Well this year now that we're married, we're on our own. His father tells him to file as an independent contractor (yes he really should be an emplyoee but his father wants to cop out of paying employment taxes on him), yet he has not given him a 1099 and I don't even know if he knows how to file one. Anyone have a clue on how I should be doing our taxes? I've heard something about doing a Schedule C form if you don't have a 1099...
See the IRS and stat. And tell the truth. Like I said, your H is to go with you.
Planning a wedding???
Considering he hasn't got a good job or a pot to piss in?
I can imagine how much in hock you are for that one day. This is whackadoo --- if you were going to marry this guy considering you had an area of contention with his income and future of his income, it should have been at a town hall with only a few invited! Don't spend what you do not have. THAT is the rule of thumb.
A kiddo is in the picture, you're barely getting by, he's got spending problems and you're in the market for a home.
Can somebody get the OP to wake up? She seems to be in dreamland.
And who gets engaged after 5 months??? at the 5 month mark, you're still testing the waters with whoever it is; you're looking to see how he handles a crisis, what he is like on an extended basis, is he dependable, etc. Nope, you went and got engaged.
it is very possible you have married the entirely wrong person. 5 months and you're engaged? You're still full of hormones and horniness at this point.
AND another job for your H. I do not know what he is by trade; I am guessing he has no college education --- in which case he's pretty screwed when it comes to finding something bigger and better than what he has right now in the way of employment.
For goodness sake, move in with his parents if you must, resign the contract on your apartment, but don't get into a damn house if he can't be financially responsible.
Also, I'm with Tarpon on reporting his father. It's ILLEGAL. How can you just look the other way at the way your father-in-law treats your husband? You and your husband are a TEAM against the world. Your FIL is treating your teammate like SHIT. STICK UP FOR HIM!!! Defend your husband!!!
And, without a doubt, your husband needs a REAL JOB!! Something with a regular pay check that pays in to social security and would either have a retirement savings plan, or enough extra for him to start one. How frigging irresponsible of him to NOT plan for the future.
Does he have life insurance? ANYTHING to provide for you and your child if the worst happens to him? As I've told my own husband, that life insurance will be used to help bury him or take care of his remains and whatever is LEFT is what our family has, and it's usually not enough.
So many problems. SO many. Time to start fixing them. Quickly. Before the IRS puts it all together and starts garnishing wages (YOURS if he's getting paid under the table). They'll also garnish your FIL's and MIL's wages, so there goes the extra help they're providing. That's assuming they don't end up serving jail time for tax fraud. The US government doesn't like people stealing from it. It's always best to go to the IRS and confess before THEY catch you out.
THIS is why shit is so expensive -- your FIL is fraudulent. AND this does not safeguard your H if the company goes out of business, if he gets hurt on the job or if he gets fired or laid off due to bad business!
There is no safeguard for his future. it is as simple as that. Look out for Number One and get out of there.
I still say report the FIL to the IRS, the state department of wage and hours and to the dept of treasury in yoru state. He can't get away with this. And how dare he treat his own son so shoddily. For what -- "the sake of business" and so that he doesn't pay tax and such? Bullshit.
And this is why i said go and visit the IRS in person -- they have walk in offices -- and explain all of this to them.
DO NOT even think of filing by yourself; your H has to file, also.
And considering you have PCOS (a chronic condition) I am sure you are seeing and endocrinologist as well as a gyn that is familiar with a condition like PCOS --- you can't go into hock. You need medical insurance and you need a spouse who has a job with benefits.
I second the life insurance. He can get a good one for cheap because of his age. The monthly premiums would be fantatically low -- would be a good idea for you to get some, also.
ETAL I would NOT move in with the INLAWS. If your FIL is a shithead that cannot and will not pay your husband as a full time employee on the books and make sure that his son at least has health insurance and some type of 401K/pension, then he's going to be a shit to live with. Don't move in with them.
Wait until the infatuation clears. THen have a good cold look at his finances and his job -- and be honest with yourself: can his salary and job sustain financial hardship that you might have? Suppose your company shut down or your boss gave you the boot and it took you a bit longer than expected to find another job? Suppose something else unforseen happened to your job and you were already married to this guy -- what then?
Can he easily support 2 people (or more) on what he is earning right now?
There is a guy I know who has always held a retail job. He never finished college so that is what he is now stuck with, years later.
Way back in the day a girlfriend (who was getting serious with him) was astute to ask him "Is this all you make?" She had a much better job than he did; she worked for a brokerage house that is now defunct --- yep, years later, he's got the same crummy job -- and she is long gone. Their relationship limped along for a few years; she met somebody else and left.
Both of you have unrealistic expectations. You cannot afford it right now? Then that is how it is. You don't buy a home or invest in this or that until you are financially able.
I have always said no home purchase until your marriage has legs; for a financially strong couple, that would be at least 3 years after marriage. You have a child in the mix; kids need everything! You'll be paying for diapers, clothes, pediatrician visits and other well-baby related expenses for quite some time.
And there is the "noncost" of things -- suppose you are not happy with the price of your homeowners insurance, for example --- now it's legwork to get somebody else in there to give you an estimate. Time is money.
You and he discused nothing. Not even what would happen if a kiddo came along -- and btw, doctors are not always right! YOu thought there would be no chance of getting pregnant, due to PCOS? Hon, if you are ovluating there is always the chance you might catch pregnant. You needed to use birth control anyway -- and you also were not financially ready for a child: that's triple the reason to make sure you use birth control.
Perhaps you and he ought to call this a day and part ways. He hasn't got the proverbial pot to piss in and he probably never will -- and there is also a good chance this is going to be a tax nightmare.
You have a month until tax day. I strongly suggest that Monday you and he see an IRS agent in person. As I said, there is an office nearby you; go to the IRS website and find out where it is and get there stat -- no appointment is needed.
Bring every conceivable tax related item -- last year's 1040 for both of you, info you need when you file, and YES you need to "turn in" your H's father. Cover your own ass; it's everty man and every woman for himself, before you and he pay a nice big fat penalty and/or you have your pay garnished by the IRS.
"Downright evil"??? This is every man and every woman for himself:
DH is the only "employee." Although I would love for his father to wake up and start doing things right, getting him in trouble with the IRS will not help anything, it will just make life a lot worse. His parents are always helping in ways that they can (sending groceries home, buying diapers etc.) and we are even moving in with them next month when our lease is up. So turning him to the IRS not only would only get us absolutely nowhere, but it would be down right evil .
Face the music first; as I suggested, see the IRS in person and explain what's going on.
And birth control along with a condom is a must. In this day and age of AIDS and HIV and other transmittibles you're taking a chance and there's also unwanted pregnancy, to boot. When will they ever learn???
Been awhile but I'm back to defend a few comments that were made based on limited information.
SmrBrd2012 yes I have worked out what I can spend and be comfortable and it includes everything you listed (PMI, insurance, taxes, ulitilies) have a large down payment saved. Trust me in our situation, a house is a much wiser choice than continuing to rent.
TarponMonoxide "You and he discused nothing. Not even what would happen if a kiddo came along -- and btw, doctors are not always right! YOu thought there would be no chance of getting pregnant, due to PCOS? Hon, if you are ovluating there is always the chance you might catch pregnant. You needed to use birth control anyway -- and you also were not financially ready for a child: that's triple the reason to make sure you use birth control."
I never said I thought there was no chance of getting pregnant, we did use birth control but as previously stated we weren't careful. Are you a mom youself? If you are, you should understand that it was the best decision of my life, I can't imagine not having my son. Yes I wish we could have extra financial cushion, but we are getting by just fine and have been able to buy him everything he needs plus some.
"And birth control along with a condom is a must. In this day and age of AIDS and HIV and other transmittibles you're taking a chance and there's also unwanted pregnancy, to boot. When will they ever learn???"
This WAS NOT an unwanted pregnancy. We weren't that careful because I knew that I was okay with the idea of having kids with him. I have been in plenty of relationships prior where I knew I DID NOT want to have kids with and I was very careful. So you can save the safe sex talk.
KatieCutie05 Rent in our market keeps rising and rising and the costs of moving from apartment to apartment (admin fees, application fees and move-out bills) are sickening to pay. I am ready for home ownership and am tired of throwing my money down the drain. My husband got a large insurance settlement check last month and got paid for one of their larger contracts so we have quite a bit set aside to use for a down payment.
VOR "So because of PCOS, you hitched your wagon to the first guy who came along instead of making sure he was really GOOD quality husband and father material? Excellent."
I don't even know how to address this ignorant of a statement.
magsugar13 Obvioulsy I didn't think ahead.
Before getting married I didn't think I needed to ask him "hey, your dad gives you a w-2 every year, right?" So I was completely blindsided by this mess. I know, my fault.
Anyways the CPA will be working on both theirs and our taxes. Annnnnnd my husband has already got an interview set up for a very stable and promising career so hopefully this nightmare will get better soon.
You said in your original post that you're struggling to get by because everything is on you and you're having to put stuff on your credit cards yet in the bolded above you say that you're getting along just fine? Living on credit cards is not fine. You cannot continue to be the sole breadwinner and harbor this resentment towards your husband. One of my very good friends is in a similar situation to you and it breaks my heart to see her struggle every day and resent her husband because he doesn't contribute or help his family. You're already unhappy and it will only get worse unless he steps up. You cannot shoulder the burden of maintaining a job, a marriage, taking care of your child and running a household (financially), all while he decides to screw around and maybe find a better job. Take these women seriously and listen to their advice.