Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: Unhappy with DH because of finances
Buy nothing. And wow, it's "buy with him" only on paper! He hasn't got the financial means to hold up his half of the bargain.
And that he quit his regular job to go work with his dad right after the wedding ---- if you thought this was on the level -- and you probably did, great --- but now that you see where this is at, this is something entirely different. At best he needs to find other employment.
He can't leave you holding the whole bag. If he is and he refuses to find other work this is now a character thing and I'd rethink him long and hard over that one.
Fine, only your name will be on the deed - do you think that will make you feel less resentful and less unhappy to be carrying the full burden of paying housing expenses (which are almost always more than renting) while he continues working under the table, going weeks without work, and spending what little money he gets on himself? There are other men out there, you know. You don't have to stay stuck with this one just because you had sex with him.
I don't think there is anything here for you.
You can
1-Tell him to find a second job and one with a reliable paycheck
2-Get counseling and see if he comes to his senses and grows up
3-Show this guy the door.
The choice is going to have to be yours. You have a kiddo to think about now.
Maybride2 your response was probably the most unhelpful and immature.
Thank you to those of you that provided helpful insight.
Then you claim that everything is actually pretty rosy, and you just wish they were rosier:
OP - you're trying to make this about money when the issue here is you hitched your wagon to a guy who doesn't appear to be a great catch. YOU even said earlier that you've made many bad relationship choices over the years. But yet - even so, you still got engaged after only 5 months.
And while clearly you don't regret having your son, the point is why did you make the decision to have a child w/ a man who hasn't proven himself to be great husband material?
You KEEP making poor choices in relation to men. That's the point. It's not about the actual child, it's about YOUR decision making process.
You come for advice, you get it, then you basically say "no, no, that's not what I said - here's what I really mean" and basically stick your head in the sand.
And I'm sure the idea of leaving him, the father of your child, and the idea of being a single mom is scary. I'm sure that's a part of why you're clinging so hard to this and getting pissed at us for saying "leave him". Yes, with a child, that's an even harder decision to make.
But you need to step back and really evaluate what you want in life and what you want for your son.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ok I get it. I screwed up. I should have fell for a man with a good career...but I didn't. At least he treats me right. I guess I would rather be poor with someone nice than rich with someone nasty. Not everyone can be so lucky to get the best of both worlds.
I really did take the advice that was given and I was just trying to explain a few points that people had gotten wrong.
The truth is, when it really comes down to it I really am depressed about how my life has turned out. Badly. I keep trying to fix it but I feel like I am just running in place.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I know you feel like you're being picked on here and getting harsh advice (or what you feel is not the advice you're looking for) but.... the bold part... really????
I know we're only getting a snippet of your relationship and there's a lot more to it than just finances... but you described a man who spends money on himself (video games, etc) rather than contributing to groceries and gas... a man who expects you to pay for things for him, but he doesn't have to contribute... a man who you have sat down to rationally explain how his behavior, attitude, and lack of ambition impacts you and your marriage, and yet, he is resistant to change... this does not strike me as a man who treats you well... this strikes me as a man who is incredibly selfish and has not learned (at least in part) what marriage means...
You are making excuses for him... and it now seems that you're almost trying to convince yourself that you're the one who's wrong for being unhappy. Please get some counseling... both marriage and individual.
Nope not looking for any sympathy here. Just admitting that I am truly unhappy with how my life turned out. I'm done lying to myself and making exuses.
Keep heading down the path that leads to home ownership, which is a SERIOUS financial AND time suck?
Report your in-laws for the way they illegally run and do business?
Get him set up with his own health insurance, retirement account and life insurance?
Still moving in with those in-laws who are cheating your husband out of his money (and risking SOMEONE ending up in deep crap with the Feds)?
Or, are you just going to keep living in misery?
I'm also curious:
How is it going on his "getting a stable job" front?
How'd that tax thing work out with your CPA?
Look, I was in a MISERABLE relationship myself. The man did some awful things to me that tore my emotional self-worth into ribbons. It took me a year to recover. And once I did, I kicked his ass to the curb.
You have to own your own happiness.
You've stated in this thread that, while you're glad you're a mother, you didn't really use protection because you wanted to have a baby with THIS man, unlike others.
Except you've also stated you don't exactly make wise choices in regards to relationships.
So, if you OWN the fact you make bad choices in relationships, perhaps...just PERHAPS you don't exact make sound financial choices either. You know like, say...ohhh, I dunno...a HOUSE.
Think about it.
shaylagirl
If we don't buy a house and we don't move in with the ILs we are stuck getting into another apartment. And rent in our area sucks big time. We could do it, but I will spend every day feeling sad and worthless that I couldn't get a home instead after trying for so long.
He didn't get the job unfortunately, but his mom is handing over her resume to her company and one of her friends is trying to find him a job as well.
The information has been sent out to the CPA but I haven't heard anything back yet.
I've always been so good about owning every situation but I'm totally out of ideas and feel like it's all out of my own hands now. I have no idea...absolutely no idea.
Your actual mortgage payment might be less than rent, but home ownership is NOT CHEAP. Not even close.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Maybride2 Telling me that having my son was one of the stupidest things I've ever done? I'd call that pretty damn immature and disrespectful. I can only hope that you aren't a mother yourself and that is why you don't understand how hurtful and horrifying of a statement that was.
EDIT: I just realized via your ticker that you are a mother. In that case, there is absolutely no exuse for what you said and I am completely appalled that you are able to think like that.
Of course I'm able to think like that Blondie. I'm a mother, but I'm also an intelligent woman who is able to think with my head as much as I do my heart.
I have no doubt that you love your son, the world is a better place for having him here, you wouldn't give him up for anything. But seriously - getting pregnant by a man that you've only known for 8 months who hasn't shown financial responsibility is a stupid choice unless you're independently wealthy and don't need his income. That is not a statement on your son, that is a statement on your decision making and intelligence.
Why are you so appalled that a mother could think like that? Do you think that becoming a mother automatically turns your common sense and reasoning off? Or that becoming a mother suddenly makes you think that everyone should procreate at all costs?
My husband and I built a marriage, a home and THEN a family. You seem to have done it backwards. And now you're getting bit in the butt. Stop worrying about buying a home, stop lugging around your overgrown child of a husband, and worry about taking care of yourself and your son - set a better example for him than what he's seeing now.
Of course you wouldn't give up your son for anything in the world. But that doesn't mean that the CHOICE to have a child w/ a man who you really didn't know that well was a good choice. They are actually two separate issues.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I didn't do things in a pretty-picture-perfect order like you, but it is no reason to call me stupid. You don't know all of my story and it was completely uncalled for.
In the OP's original post:
"His father should be listing him as an employee, but since he doesn't want to have to pay FICA taxes for him he just hands him a check every week. "
Last time I checked, that's illegal.
And that's according to the IRS.gov website.
"Federal Income Tax
Employers generally must withhold federal income tax from employees' wages. To figure out how much tax to withhold, use the employee’s Form W-4 and withholding tables described in Publication 15, Employer's Tax Guide."
@blondii428;In this, I agree with a PP.
You'll be sad if you have to live with your in-laws or have to rent again?
So what? Suck it up.
I had to move back in with my parents after I left the last man I was with. I stayed with them for a year while I got back on my feet financially. During that time I had to buy a new (to me) car because I worked 40+ miles from home. Then I had to save up for first/last month's rent deposit so I could move out. I did what I had to do so that my son and I could move out, but NOT be overburdened by a mortgage I couldn't afford.
The thing was, I qualified for a loan for a house. Had a lender completely willing to work with me. Even had a house picked out I was going to go look at.
And then I realized; if just ONE thing fell down around my ears, if my car's engine blew, or I lost my job, or some major injury occurred, I'd lose that home.
I opted to rent. Because it was the financially sound choice. Things broke at my rental, the landlord had to come and fix it (and they did...my fridge didn't work well, so THEY replaced it).
Was I sad I didn't buy a house? Not really. It was more important to me to make sure my son had a stable roof over his head, one that I knew without a doubt I could afford, even if something happened, I could swing it for a few months.
Sometimes we have to put our children's happiness before our own. And sometimes it means renting instead of buying. Or living with family while we recover from a financial hardship. In this current economy, there's no stigma attached to returning to the nest.
Imagine if you could just put away money for 12 months. Pay off EVERYTHING. Have a nice, large down payment for a house set aside. A 6 month buffer for your bills. How stress-free your life could become. Wouldn't that be nice? And if the price of financial freedom is being unhappy for a year or two...is that not worth it to you?
He is supposed to be putting you first --- attending to your needs and see what it is that you need.
And when a child arrives, it's ensuring that both your spouse and your child have everything they need.
That's not happening here; he's living the life of a middle schooler.
I don't see anything much for you here, unless you want to commit yourself to a potential 50 years of pulling the entire fiancial weight of the household and marriage while he does what he wants to do with his money...
And here is a bit of news for him:
Perhaps it is money from his pay but what it is is your money and his: this is now an OUR money thing.
What you have here is an unhealthy dynamic and a wrong dynamic. THis is also a guy who has no respect for you and your son -- and who doesn't care about what you and your son need; by virtue of the fact he's spending that money like the 2 of you do not exist, he does not care what either of you need.
Unless this guy grows up overnigtht and starts to pull his financial weight, I don't see any hope here for your marriage.
If you somehow think that someday soon he'll stop doign what he is doing and be the guy who positively contributes to your marriage, sorry -- that is not what is going to happen. He's got a good thing going: he's got a love mate, a cook, a laundress, a maid and a concierge and what are you getting in turn for this?
What is it he is bringing to your table?
Your table and your son's table.
Ask yourself that.
My water pipes in the basement sprung 2 tiny little leaks out of nowhere -- $350 to get them fixed.
I had an electrical problem in the hall; the wire had to be "killed" and a new outlet needed to be installed: $600.
Things happen.
And do NOT even think of buying anything with this irresponsible little slug! You cannot afford it and you cannot even think of buying a home: you are having a marriage crisis. This is no time to spend money on a big item like a home.