I am upset. With DH

VOR

cloudymeatballs said:

I give in and he does what he wants. That is jus the way our life will be. Softball then life. He does these things all the time so I thought it would be fine to give it up once.

I'm going to be really blunt here - you need to work this out.  Even if you "give in" on the wedding- you need to work this out.  This is "anecdote time" - but I have a friend who tried really hard to make her marriage work, but her DH always, ALWAYS, put baseball before her.  ALWAYS. 

He wore a baseball championship ring instead of his wedding ring.  eventually- she left him.  He's a great guy.  She's still friends with him.  She holds no ill-will towards him.  But - his priorities in life simply didn't match with hers.  And it ended their marriage.

So... don't be a martyr about this and sit back and say "i'll just let him not go", because CLEARLY you're going to hold on to this.  This isn't healthy.  At all.

ah625

cloudymeatballs said:

Gdaisy09 said:

You guys don't have kids yet, but you are planning on it, so maybe he's seeing this as one of his last few years he can be a little selfish about going to the softball thing before kids come first? 

That's just it. He expects us to go with him. When we have kids, he wants this to be our Memorial weekend forever! He has gone year after year with his friends. Before they were all married and such,. They are all married now. Two guys this year aren't going. Next year, who knows whats next. Kids are on their way, these women all want kids and we are all trying.

This has been a tradition in your husband's life year after year, before he met you. You have known for a long time how important this event is for him. 

Honestly, you sound like the only one who is going to be resentful. 

Other people will be traveling to the wedding. Buy tickets on the same flight. Carpool to the hotel. This isn't rocket science.

And you're travel to Mexico, to a very popular vacation destination. This isn't some shack in Korea where you have to ride a bus 14 hours into the mountains. You're freaking yourself out for no reason. 

SmrBrd2012

I mean...I would be pretty annoyed but I do think you're overreacting a little. You said that people are already starting to bail on the softball thing...Maybe he wants to enjoy it while it lasts, which doesn't seem to be much longer. You totally have a right to be annoyed by it but in the grand scheme of things, I think you are in the wrong. Either A) don't go, go with a friend or family member, C) go alone. Mexico is pretty safe in touristy areas but I would def prefer to have a travel partner.

ready-or-not

On the flip side, coming from a "sports hubby" wife, if you do put your foot down & demand he goes with you & force him to miss his tournament, he will NO DOUBT be a pissy jerk your entire trip. Mexico or not, mark my words! We have kids now & DH has learned that the world keeps right on turning regardless of planned sporting events, but 10-12 years ago, this was my life. His loss girl! Go without him, even of you don't really want to, & have a HELL of a time (within reason of course. No groping any groomsmen to make a point LOL).

cloudymeatballs

Like I said, I told him not to come. I told him to go to his trip and I won't ask again. If he decides to change his mind then awesome. I am over fighting over this and yes I am pretty annoyed about the whole thing. If it wasn't something we were going to continue doing year after year then I may not have thought twice, but this is something we will do as a family every year. I have told him that is cool and I am down to go do this for Memorial each year. WHen we have kids as well. . I had my words and I am done with it.

jtmh2012

I love how you keep saying that it's "just this one time I want him to skip and will never ask this again."  Assuming you're in your 20s/30s and actually to stay together until you die, you guys probably have 50+ years together.  I just don't see how in all that time you can *never* ask him to skip again.

And seriously, you're acting like a 5yo old throwing a tantrum at this point.

Tofumonkey

cloudymeatballs said:

Sitting alone during the ceremony, because your spouse is standing up front? Sitting alone through a rehearsal feeling like a weird intruder. I have done this for him!!!! Several times!!!

If you've done it for him multiple times I can see your frustration.

I do agree though with GilliC in that I would hate to be the one sitting alone during the ceremony, during the rehearsal, hanging out alone while the bridesmaids are all getting ready...

I don't think he said it to slight you - I think to him it was genuinely a great idea. He gets to go spend the weekend with his friends, which only happens once a year. You get to take a good friend of yours to party it up at an all-inclusive in Mexico. Yay!!!

Like I said, though, I can see why you would rather go with your husband. I might too in that situation. Regardless of what you choose, try not to dwell on the 'other choice' or that you had to 'force him to come'. This is a minor thing in the scheme of all your married life and hey, Mexico! Have fun.

Maybride2

Then divorce him, since it's obvious (to you) that he doesn't care about you. I mean seriously, what answer do you want? Yeah, it sucks that the two events are on the same day, it really truly does. And if this was just a regular practice or even game, I'd totally understand the push to miss that one game. But again - it sounds like this is a once a year thing - a tradition for him, with his friends, that they all cherish. One that might not be around next year because of "life". Meanwhile you have a wedding in Mexico (which is selfish unless the bride happens to live in Mexico), where it sounds like the only person you're friends with is the bride herself. If roles were reversed and you came here complaining that your husband wanted you to ditch your best girlfriends on the one weekend that you all get together each year so that you could travel with him to Mexico to be in someone's wedding where neither of you knew anyone, I'd tell you that your husband was being a donkey.

Kimbus22

cloudymeatballs said:

I told him not to go. I told him that I would rather him be happy, by going to his weekend than go with me and be miserable. I do not want him resenting me for the rest of our lives because he had to miss his weekend for me one time. Whatever. This is where we are and I am very disappointed. I just didn't think it would be this big a deal for him. I'm done fighting with him. I give in and he does what he wants. That is jus the way our life will be. Softball then life. He does these things all the time so I thought it would be fine to give it up once. I'm leaving this alone. I'm just so upset about it.

So you went with options B & (probably) C.  Good choice.

Stop picking fights about imaginary children.  It's pointless.  Neither of you have any idea how you will deal with this type of situation when you have kids.  It's just picking fights to be difficult.  At this point I'd rather play softball than go to Mexico with you too.  And I fucking hate softball.

Sillygirl45

Kimbus22 said:

cloudymeatballs said:

I told him not to go. I told him that I would rather him be happy, by going to his weekend than go with me and be miserable. I do not want him resenting me for the rest of our lives because he had to miss his weekend for me one time. Whatever. This is where we are and I am very disappointed. I just didn't think it would be this big a deal for him. I'm done fighting with him. I give in and he does what he wants. That is jus the way our life will be. Softball then life. He does these things all the time so I thought it would be fine to give it up once. I'm leaving this alone. I'm just so upset about it.

So you went with options B & (probably) C.  Good choice.

Stop picking fights about imaginary children.  It's pointless.  Neither of you have any idea how you will deal with this type of situation when you have kids.  It's just picking fights to be difficult.  At this point I'd rather play softball than go to Mexico with you too.  And I fucking hate softball.

Oh boy, I was sorta on OP's side until this response. Now you're sounding like a completely unreasonable baby.

Don't do this. I know you said you dropped it and he can do what he wants...but you don't mean it. This is going to cause some serious long term resentment if you two don't sit down and come to a mutual agreement. 

cloudymeatballs

I am letting him be the real decider here. Is that even a word? Lol Anywhoo, I told him its his choice. I am not going to MAKE him go. I think, really, that he will end up coming with me. Just a thought, but I am letting it be. No I would not be happy with him if he did choose his weekend, and I have my reasons ladies. Same friends he sees all year, same game, same thing, just different place and longer tournament. THIS weekend will not end and it will keep occurring each year. The wedding, not so much. That is a one time deal and I do think that he will skip his wweekend this one year. He will act like I owe him, which we will always owe each other in a way since we will hopefully both do things to make the other happy. I am giving it a week or so then I will ask him one more time, since we do need to sign up for the deal. We will see... Of course I want him to go with me. I will be disappointed in him, but I do not want to MAKE him have to do anything. If he is going to be a grouchy bump then I'd rather him not go. SO again, we will see...

cloudymeatballs

We went to my friend's engagement party this weekend and he seemed to get along just fine with all of the other guys who are going. There are a few girls' men that don't really know anyone and they are happy to go with their girls. My H hung with them and they talked, sports were on, all good. He even said, oh they're not so bad. We both had a good time and I think that he saw how they were and the fact that he actually could get a long with them. Lol, so this wedding with him not knowing people too well would work out just fine. I've done it for him many times, and it ends up a very good time... I'm not giving up on it, and not actually giving in but I am letting him be the choice maker. He knows what will and will not make his wife happy. So we'll see

GilliC

cloudymeatballs said:

I am letting him be the real decider here. Is that even a word? Lol Anywhoo, I told him its his choice. I am not going to MAKE him go. I think, really, that he will end up coming with me. Just a thought, but I am letting it be. No I would not be happy with him if he did choose his weekend, and I have my reasons ladies. Same friends he sees all year, same game, same thing, just different place and longer tournament. THIS weekend will not end and it will keep occurring each year. The wedding, not so much. That is a one time deal and I do think that he will skip his wweekend this one year. He will act like I owe him, which we will always owe each other in a way since we will hopefully both do things to make the other happy. I am giving it a week or so then I will ask him one more time, since we do need to sign up for the deal. We will see... Of course I want him to go with me. I will be disappointed in him, but I do not want to MAKE him have to do anything. If he is going to be a grouchy bump then I'd rather him not go. SO again, we will see...

No, you're not.

You've just said that if he chooses not to go, you won't be happy with him! This is NOT letting him decide. It's being passive-aggressive and avoiding the issue.

You need to put on your big girl panties and discuss this together like adults. And part of being an adult is being willing to compromise and consider the other's point of view. Talk to him about why you want him to come, and talk to him about why he doesn't want to, or why he doesn't want to miss the softball. And by "talk" I mean "have an open dialog." I don't mean whine about how you should get your way.

formerlyGDaisy09

Please, Please I hope you do not keep track of who owes who! you do things in a marriage to make eachother happy, not because you owe eachother.

cloudymeatballs

@gillic We talked and that is how it ended up. We did both explain to each other why we both have our reasons. I, personally, just think he is being selfish on this one. He was the one who was getting upset with me so that was what I told him. I will not have him ruin a great time just by going. I said I will give him a week before I go and ask again for the last time. Hopefully he will understand my reasons more. And hopefully he will give up this one time. And @Gdaisy09 I don't mean that we will keep who owes what. I know that is what marriage is about doing things to make the other happy. I am happy to do such things as he is as well. We have a pretty great marriage except when he is put in a situation where he is uncommon with. We will be fine. I just know myself and of course I would not be happy if he chooses the other route. He knows that one of us will not be the happiest with whatever outcome.

Kimbus22

What I'm hearing now is "I'm pretending to let him decide.  I'm actually being passive aggressive and giving him notice that he has one more week to make the correct decision and pretend to be happy about it before I get pissed off about this permanently."

Keeping track of who owes who is no way to sustain a marriage.

VOR

Kimbus22 said:

What I'm hearing now is "I'm pretending to let him decide.  I'm actually being passive aggressive and giving him notice that he has one more week to make the correct decision and pretend to be happy about it before I get pissed off about this permanently."

Keeping track of who owes who is no way to sustain a marriage.

This.  So, so this.

And you've said enough times that you'll be upset if he doesn't go and HE'LL hold onto some resentment if he does go.  You can tell us until you're blue in the face that "No, really, our  marriage is great and we don't hold grudges" - but right now, I really don't believe that.

This argument will come up again at some point in the future.  Probably along the lines of "but REMEMBER that weekend?  Well, *I* did what YOU wanted.  So that means that this time I get what *I* want!" from whoever "loses". 

Pandemonia

Oh well. At least you've ensured that everyone gets to feel crap about what they decide to do on this particular weekend. Which is an achievement of sorts, I suppose. Admittedly, an exceedingly negative achievement. 

sprky79

So, instead you are trying to guilt him into going with this "I won't make the decision for  you, I'm just going to make sure you understand where I think you should be..." crap.  That always works well and is such a glowing statement of a healthy marriage.

 

Holy crapola lady.  Pretty much every responder told you to let this one go.  Yes, he plays softball a lot.  But it sounds like this trip is an annual thing that you have resented since long before this trip came up.  Learn to deal with it or learn to love someone else, because this is the guy you picked.

sprky79

Holy hell, DO NOT do the bolded.  Be a big damned girl and go to the wedding by yourself and let him go to the trip that means something to him.  This approach is foolish, designed to guilt/goad someone into the answer you want, and you know it.  Don't be that guy.

 

@gillic We talked and that is how it ended up. We did both explain to each other why we both have our reasons. I, personally, just think he is being selfish on this one. He was the one who was getting upset with me so that was what I told him. I will not have him ruin a great time just by going. I said I will give him a week before I go and ask again for the last time. Hopefully he will understand my reasons more. And hopefully he will give up this one time. And @Gdaisy09 I don't mean that we will keep who owes what. I know that is what marriage is about doing things to make the other happy. I am happy to do such things as he is as well. We have a pretty great marriage except when he is put in a situation where he is uncommon with. We will be fine. I just know myself and of course I would not be happy if he chooses the other route. He knows that one of us will not be the happiest with whatever outcome.

sprky79

So, instead you are trying to guilt him into going with this "I won't make the decision for  you, I'm just going to make sure you understand where I think you should be..." crap.  That always works well and is such a glowing statement of a healthy marriage.

 

Holy crapola lady.  Pretty much every responder told you to let this one go.  Yes, he plays softball a lot.  But it sounds like this trip is an annual thing that you have resented since long before this trip came up.  Learn to deal with it or learn to love someone else, because this is the guy you picked.

futurethomas11

I don't think you are in the wrong, I think its definitely very easy to get upset when your spouse doesnt want to join in, especially for your own friends big day. And you will be in a new place, it could be romantic for both of you as well! I think its great he has a passion/hobby but in that he shouldnt make you feel like you intentionally or your friend intentionally did it to make him feel better. This is a one time wedding, soooooo I say go to the wedding and if he DOESN'T want to go, thats a bummer but don't let it ruin your experience. 

bmo88

Wow this will not end well. You are trying to guilt trip/manipulate him into going...and your are going to be spiteful if he doesn't. Honestly other PP's have given great advice and you have ignored it. Ugh, good luck with your "plan" though it probably won't work.

Samboni

So, what happened?

cloudymeatballs

He said he is going. He told me that is right for him to go. He asked if it were at any way possible to leave late Saturday night and he could get to his thing Sunday, he could play a little. I said that is fine, if it happens. But I think her festivities are late night happening. But we did come to a compromise. Yay