advice already received, thank u

MommyLiberty5013

You asked for "tips" on how to be a good wife. Every marriage is different, but I think there are some commonalities to being what you would call "a good wife." Ultimately, I think the best thing is to be your husband's best friend. Yes, you're his wife, but if you are his best friend then you have him to count on and he has you to count on.

Other than this...

1. Be a good listener. Give him your attention when he is speaking as you would any other person. Respond appropriately to his comments, ask questions and engage with him.

2. Opposite to being a good listener is being a good conversationalist. Meaning - have stuff to talk about that is interesting to you both or of interest to you only. Ask for his opinions and thoughts.

3. Be fair. I see a lot of married people have troubles because one or both of them always want their own way. They throw "adult temper tantrums" when they don't get exactly what they want. So, basically, don't compromise your morals or ethics, but do compromise on things that ultimately don't matter in the long run.

4. When you do feel hurt or angry, use diplomatic words and a kind-hearted approach to dealing with it. But, do voice your concerns - don't bottle them up - this is not emotionally healthy, nor is it healthy for the long-term of your marriage. For example, don't say, "You are so selfish." Say, "It made me feel unimportant when you did XYZ." Whatever emotion it is, basically, OWN your emotions and be able to express them without verbally bashing your husband. If you can do this, you will feel best. Plus, it will make your husband more likely to listen and appreciate what you're saying. He will more apt to make amends and work out the problem.

There's probably more stuff to include. But. I'm a bit short on time right now. If you like to read, you may wish to check out a book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs called Love and Respect. It is Biblically based, but even if you don't subscribe to the Christian worldview, it has ideas that can help any couple.

From one of the Love and Respect websites, "We believe love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man. Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved.  We asked 7,000 people this question: when you are in a conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved or disrespected?  83% of the men said "disrespected."  72% of the women said, "unloved."  Though we all need love and respect equally, the felt need differs during conflict, and this difference is as different as pink is from blue!"

Anyway, it's worth a thought. Not saying you guys are having conflict, but along with the love languages, it may help you maintain your happy marriage.

BlueBirdMB

MommyLiberty5013 said:

You asked for "tips" on how to be a good wife. Every marriage is different, but I think there are some commonalities to being what you would call "a good wife." Ultimately, I think the best thing is to be your husband's best friend. Yes, you're his wife, but if you are his best friend then you have him to count on and he has you to count on.

Other than this...

1. Be a good listener. Give him your attention when he is speaking as you would any other person. Respond appropriately to his comments, ask questions and engage with him.

2. Opposite to being a good listener is being a good conversationalist. Meaning - have stuff to talk about that is interesting to you both or of interest to you only. Ask for his opinions and thoughts.

3. Be fair. I see a lot of married people have troubles because one or both of them always want their own way. They throw "adult temper tantrums" when they don't get exactly what they want. So, basically, don't compromise your morals or ethics, but do compromise on things that ultimately don't matter in the long run.

4. When you do feel hurt or angry, use diplomatic words and a kind-hearted approach to dealing with it. But, do voice your concerns - don't bottle them up - this is not emotionally healthy, nor is it healthy for the long-term of your marriage. For example, don't say, "You are so selfish." Say, "It made me feel unimportant when you did XYZ." Whatever emotion it is, basically, OWN your emotions and be able to express them without verbally bashing your husband. If you can do this, you will feel best. Plus, it will make your husband more likely to listen and appreciate what you're saying. He will more apt to make amends and work out the problem.

There's probably more stuff to include. But. I'm a bit short on time right now. If you like to read, you may wish to check out a book by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs called Love and Respect. It is Biblically based, but even if you don't subscribe to the Christian worldview, it has ideas that can help any couple.

From one of the Love and Respect websites, "We believe love best motivates a woman and respect most powerfully motivates a man. Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved.  We asked 7,000 people this question: when you are in a conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved or disrespected?  83% of the men said "disrespected."  72% of the women said, "unloved."  Though we all need love and respect equally, the felt need differs during conflict, and this difference is as different as pink is from blue!"

Anyway, it's worth a thought. Not saying you guys are having conflict, but along with the love languages, it may help you maintain your happy marriage.

Really great advice here for anybody.

I think the love vs. respect thing is fascinating.  I think for us, it's probably opposite though.  I'll have to ask my husband, but for me, feeling disrespected is what pushes my buttons the most and it's what fuels our arguments the most.  If I in any way feel like he belittled me, made my feelings insignificant, or made me feel stupid I flip out.  I've learned to more calmly tell him how the thing he said made me feel and often, he wasn't aware that he had said something that made me feel like he was disregarding me.

MarriedFeb2015

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NoneForUs

hispresence said:

Thank you 'NoneForUs' for understanding..... I feel so terrible that my mother disapproval of him just because he is not Chinese. I apologize for my mother a thousand times if I can. I try to do everything I can go make up for what my mother. My husband told me many many times that he doesn't care what my mother thinks of him. He doesn't care about not having a mother in-law. He just want to concentrated on our relationship......... But inside I feel alot of guilts, the more he adores me, the more terrible I feel.

I'm a very Financial indepedent girl. I have no choice but to be due to my childhood/circumstances......... When I met my husband, I know he is not rich. We both struggle, we both live in 'the hood'.... So when we dating, I always insist on the "go Dutch" style, I always pay for my own things, put in my half share of the dates...... Even during holidays like X-Mas, I told him do NOT buy me any gifts, save the money to buy his mom a bigger gift, or save it for rainy days.

When he wants to get married, I told him he do Not get me an engagement ring, I don't want a wedding reception, I don't even want a honeymoon. To be frank, all I want was him. I told him let tied the knot at he quick and simple City Hall/Courthouse wedding ceremony......This was all my insist, this was what I want, and he go along with it so I be happy.

I told him after marriage, he continues keep his Checking/Saving accounts separated. His job make more money than me.My job make less than him..... I told him keep our financial separate, all I asked was him be responsible with his financial, and know how to save money for raining days/Emergency use..... And help take care of his mom (his mom is all he have left, his dad deceased when he was young)

Financially, regarding rent/mortgage, I pay one month, he pay next month….  All Bills are even split between us. Grocery too, I pay this time, he pay next time. Pretty much what his is his, I don’t touch it…I want to make it as fair for him as possible.
Other women called me stupid, say I'm foolish. But to be frank, I don't care. All the above is all my insisit, my husband pretty much go along with it or else I won't married him..... I choose to give my husband the Financial freedom to walk out of this marriage if he not happy. If he still stay in this marriage, then he still have some love left for this Chinese wife his. You know what I mean?

Pretty much Financially hubby is free to walk out. During dating and even now married, I still haven't touch a penny of his money... I have my own money from my job to use. 
I survived on my own, even in Homeless shelter when I left my dictatorship mother house when I wa s18, now as a woman age 30 who have a  job, I am more than capable to take care of myself.... I think I have try my best to be his wife. I really don't know long this marriage gonna last. We do have a huge cultural differene (I'm Chinese and he African), I have no regrets married to him......... If you have any tips for me on how to be a good wife, please teach me. Thank you

I know people reading this will think I'm a weirdo. But if you read my replies above regarding to my childhood and how independent I am, survived on my own in life for more than a decade. Then me insist my husband to keep his Financial separate. It nothing surprisingly really.... Maybe I'm selfish, I dunno how to explain this. But I just want him to have all the Financial freedom to walk out of this marriage if he not happy.... Yup, I know I have a weird style in my marriage, but fortunately I have a husband who wants to be married to me so much, that he willing to go along with my weirdo style. 

I asked hubby, why he always alright alright alright alright alright, and go along with my insists, since we dating, till now to marriage. I asked him if he happy, he said he is happy, and he said he want to 'stay married'  lol poor husband

*hug* I know the feeling of being embarrassed by a parent's behavior. My husband and I both have very rude mothers who don't watch what they say. My mother got a lot better after we kept our distance. We still keep her out of our business because neither of us like my mother or trust her. 

Every couple handles their finances differently. If you and your husband are happy with your arrangement, then that is all that matters. I do feel the need to say that you are not giving up your independence just because you allow your husband to take care of certain financial obligations. Paying half of everything seems more like a roommate situation than a marriage.

The best interracial marriage advice is to be open minded and accepting of cultural differences. It is also helpful to be sensitive to racial issues. My husband has told me that he is much more aware of his privilege as a white male now that he is married to me. 

MarriedFeb2015

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NoneForUs

I'm not African American. I am a Canadian black woman with Caribbean parents. 

The cultures are completely different from each other.  Remember that social class can also play a role as well. Middle to upper class African Americans have completely differently lifestyles and values from lower class African Americans. Go ahead and message me any time you want.

Your husband may do physical labour but you work hard as well. Not only do you have a job, you also cater to your husband in ways that many women would dismiss as too old fashioned. Don't dismiss all that you contribute just because you don't have two jobs. If you want to pay 50/50 for everything, then keep doing that if it works for you. It is important for a couple to agree on serious issues like money, having children, time with in-laws etc. 

Your husband is indeed a lucky man. I can tell that you love him very much and you take pleasure in looking after him. It is so cute the way both of you feel lucky to have found each other. I see your marriage lasting many years.

MarriedFeb2015

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NoneForUs

This question is tricky because I think that married couples need their own space. Why would you want to buy your MIL a home while you live in the hood? That isn't fair. On the other hand, if your MIL cannot live alone and you have traditional Chinese values, you will probably feel better about your MIL living with you. It sounds like you care about her a great deal and it is always better to buy a home than rent, especially if you plan to have children and you want to live in a nicer area. It is wonderful that you are so selfless but your wishes are also important. Life isn't all about making others happy. You should be your husband's top priority because you are his wife. I know that being raised by an abusive mother makes you hold your feelings inside. It isn't healthy to do that. 

A word of caution about raising kids outside of the hood: Violence and drugs can be a problem in the suburbs as well. Sometimes kids in higher income areas use harder drugs because of the money they have access to. I grew up in a lovely suburb but some of the kids I went to school with were doing coke at age 15. 

Canadians do use the word "ghetto" but Canadian ghettos are mostly nicer than American ghettos. I lived in a low income area before I moved in with my husband because it was all I could afford on my puny salary at that time. 

Your boundaries make complete sense and I agree with zero tolerance for cheating in a marriage. My husband and I think the same way. 

MommyLiberty5013

Hi again. Thanks for sharing all of this about yourself and your family.

Just some thoughts about your MIL. If her health is poor, then maybe for her it would be better for you and your husband to buy your home and have it be one with a lower level apartment. Or, have your MIL in an rental apartment in a nicer area near where you live.

Financially, I don't know how much sense it makes to buy a home for a woman who may not live there very long (speaking bluntly, she could pass away or need to go into a care facility of some kind). Then, you'd have a home on your hands than maybe wasn't the one YOU wanted.

If you buy the house you desire, and give her a place there with you, OR have her be in a nice 1 bedroom or efficiency apartment nearby, you are still caring for her and getting her out of the rough neighborhood, but you are ensuring a home purchase for yourselves that you enjoy first.

The Buying a Home Board or Money Matters Board can also help with budgets and ideas for house purchases.

NoneForUs

MommyLiberty5013 said:

Hi again. Thanks for sharing all of this about yourself and your family.

Just some thoughts about your MIL. If her health is poor, then maybe for her it would be better for you and your husband to buy your home and have it be one with a lower level apartment. Or, have your MIL in an rental apartment in a nicer area near where you live.

Financially, I don't know how much sense it makes to buy a home for a woman who may not live there very long (speaking bluntly, she could pass away or need to go into a care facility of some kind). Then, you'd have a home on your hands than maybe wasn't the one YOU wanted.

If you buy the house you desire, and give her a place there with you, OR have her be in a nice 1 bedroom or efficiency apartment nearby, you are still caring for her and getting her out of the rough neighborhood, but you are ensuring a home purchase for yourselves that you enjoy first.

The Buying a Home Board or Money Matters Board can also help with budgets and ideas for house purchases.

I love the bolded idea. 

puppylove2014

Ditto all the above. Plan for your future as far as any real estate purchases. MIL may qualify for section 8 or other programs where she can be in her own apartment, but out of what you call the "ghetto". My mother lives near me in a section 8 apartment, but in a nice neighborhood.

MarriedFeb2015

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taralee1983

Not weird.  He's trying to keep the spark alive by trying new things.  Fails happen.

MarriedFeb2015

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BlueBirdMB

OP it does not mean he wants to have anal sex.  He's just showing affection.  The most important thing here is that you asked him and he said he wasn't interested.  So believe him.

Have you told him yet that him kissing your butt makes you uncomfortable?

NoneForUs

BlueBirdMB said:

OP it does not mean he wants to have anal sex.  He's just showing affection.  The most important thing here is that you asked him and he said he wasn't interested.  So believe him.

Have you told him yet that him kissing your butt makes you uncomfortable?

This. The OP's husband said he didn't want to have anal with her and he would know better than anyone else. 

MarriedFeb2015

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BlueBirdMB

You are definitely over thinking this.  I think you are both on the same page about the type of sex you enjoy, and that's all that matters.

MarriedFeb2015

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Tofumonkey

Yeah no. Generalizing rarely helps - I also spent a lot of time living in 'traditional' areas of China and although there is less PDA, there is still commonly a lot of affection between spouses and families shown. 

Perhaps the OP's own family is more extreme than most.

Regardless, I'm also not buying the whole 'Chinese men don't kiss their wive's bum cheeks'. The porn shops there are everywhere and they are terrifying. It's like walking in and hearing the screechy music from Psycho. First time I ever saw a plastic ass with added hair. 

Also, 6ft tall Chinese My Little Pony sex-dolls. I rest my case.

The heart of the matter is that the OP wants to know if this is weird, as it seems weird for her. Fair enough. Answer: weird to some, not at all to most. Do only what makes YOU feel comfortable and talk openly with your partner. 

Other than that - you can't blame your mother for your grammar (there are free online resources for this, as well as libraries, free English language tutorial groups and of course paid lessons available easily), or your crappy career status. If you are not happy about having dropped out of college go back and finish. It's not impossible, and it's not your mother's fault.

I'm also not buying the whole 'not being comfortable with affection because your mother wasn't affectionate.' deal. My mother was an emotionally abusive sociopath. I don't remember the woman ever hugging me as a child, telling me she loved me, tucking me in, holding my hand, touching me, praising me, teaching me to do my hair, being loving or even nice toward my step-father... she instead raised me like Cinderella (daily chore list to be done before she got home and I was to be down in my basement bedroom so she wouldn't have to see or interact with me) and told me about how much better her life would have been if she'd had an abortion.

I left 'home' at 16 and didn't end up living under a bridge in a recycled washing-machine box. I'm pretty affectionate and loving in my marriage and with my kids. You need to make a CHOICE. You can let your experience drag you down or your can learn from it and take it as a 'how-to' of how NOT to live your life and treat people.

As for your other post's question - can you repair a damaged relationship with your mother.

Well I &%cking hope not! It took me YEARS to beat that demon back and I am NOT opening that up again! 

Whew!

NoneForUs

Tofumonkey said:

Yeah no. Generalizing rarely helps - I also spent a lot of time living in 'traditional' areas of China and although there is less PDA, there is still commonly a lot of affection between spouses and families shown. 

Perhaps the OP's own family is more extreme than most.

Regardless, I'm also not buying the whole 'Chinese men don't kiss their wive's bum cheeks'. The porn shops there are everywhere and they are terrifying. It's like walking in and hearing the screechy music from Psycho. First time I ever saw a plastic ass with added hair. 

Also, 6ft tall Chinese My Little Pony sex-dolls. I rest my case.

The heart of the matter is that the OP wants to know if this is weird, as it seems weird for her. Fair enough. Answer: weird to some, not at all to most. Do only what makes YOU feel comfortable and talk openly with your partner. 

Other than that - you can't blame your mother for your grammar (there are free online resources for this, as well as libraries, free English language tutorial groups and of course paid lessons available easily), or your crappy career status. If you are not happy about having dropped out of college go back and finish. It's not impossible, and it's not your mother's fault.

I'm also not buying the whole 'not being comfortable with affection because your mother wasn't affectionate.' deal. My mother was an emotionally abusive sociopath. I don't remember the woman ever hugging me as a child, telling me she loved me, tucking me in, holding my hand, touching me, praising me, teaching me to do my hair, being loving or even nice toward my step-father... she instead raised me like Cinderella (daily chore list to be done before she got home and I was to be down in my basement bedroom so she wouldn't have to see or interact with me) and told me about how much better her life would have been if she'd had an abortion.

I left 'home' at 16 and didn't end up living under a bridge in a recycled washing-machine box. I'm pretty affectionate and loving in my marriage and with my kids. You need to make a CHOICE. You can let your experience drag you down or your can learn from it and take it as a 'how-to' of how NOT to live your life and treat people.

As for your other post's question - can you repair a damaged relationship with your mother.

Well I &%cking hope not! It took me YEARS to beat that demon back and I am NOT opening that up again! 

Whew!

My husband grew up in a very cold WASP family and he was very reserved and cold as a result when we met. Now he is the biggest cuddlebug on the planet. Change can occur if people work on it. 

BlueBirdMB

Yeah, abuse affects people differently because everyone is different.  Maybe it didn't make you a cold person.  That's great.  But for other people, it takes work past the issues caused by abusive, cold parents.

Samboni

I wouldn't worry about you skills with the English language. It seems to pop in and out at will, and I think you're probably juuust fine in real life.

MarriedFeb2015

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Tofumonkey

Aaaaaaand now I'm pretty sure this is MUD. 

NoneForUs

BlueBirdMB said:Yeah, abuse affects people differently because everyone is different.  Maybe it didn't make you a cold person.  That's great.  But for other people, it takes work past the issues caused by abusive, cold parents.

I wasn't talking about myself. I was talking about my husband. Read posts properly. 

Also, since I have mentioned more than once that I have been in counseling, it is quite obvious that I am very familiar with the emotional work required to heal from abuse. 

There's no need for you to point out obvious things to me as if I am stupid. Thanks. 

NoneForUs

Tofumonkey said:

Aaaaaaand now I'm pretty sure this is MUD. 

Who is MUD? 

MarriedFeb2015

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GilliC

Okay, I'm sold. Between the sporadically exemplary vocabulary, clinging to those points that successfully elicited reactions even after the initial discussions had petered out, and the obligatory insertion of a standard-issue "you don't know my life" I'm going to have to concur with the aforementioned sentiments that this seems awfully contrived.

MarriedFeb2015

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