advice already received, thank u

BlueBirdMB

NoneForUs said:

BlueBirdMB said:

Yeah, abuse affects people differently because everyone is different.  Maybe it didn't make you a cold person.  That's great.  But for other people, it takes work past the issues caused by abusive, cold parents.

I wasn't talking about myself. I was talking about my husband. Read posts properly. 

Also, since I have mentioned more than once that I have been in counseling, it is quite obvious that I am very familiar with the emotional work required to heal from abuse. 

There's no need for you to point out obvious things to me as if I am stupid. Thanks. 

Before accusing me of being incapable of reading, I suggest you reread.  I was referring to Tofumonkey's post.  She's the one who said that being raised in a certain environment isn't an excuse for anything.  My post wasn't directed even slightly towards you, but you certainly got worked up pretty easily.  Calm down.

NoneForUs

BlueBirdMB said:

NoneForUs said:

BlueBirdMB said:

Yeah, abuse affects people differently because everyone is different.  Maybe it didn't make you a cold person.  That's great.  But for other people, it takes work past the issues caused by abusive, cold parents.

I wasn't talking about myself. I was talking about my husband. Read posts properly. 

Also, since I have mentioned more than once that I have been in counseling, it is quite obvious that I am very familiar with the emotional work required to heal from abuse. 

There's no need for you to point out obvious things to me as if I am stupid. Thanks. 

Before accusing me of being incapable of reading, I suggest you reread.  I was referring to Tofumonkey's post.  She's the one who said that being raised in a certain environment isn't an excuse for anything.  My post wasn't directed even slightly towards you, but you certainly got worked up pretty easily.  Calm down.

To be honest, I don't believe that you weren't referring to me. If you were not, you would not have posted directly under my post and mentioned coldness just like I did. Also, you would have added @Tofumonkey if you were referring to her. Regardless of who you were speaking to, your words were rather condescending. We don't have the benefit of hearing or seeing each other on the internet so perhaps I could be wrong about your intent. This is simply my interpretation. I also did not say that you were "unable" to read posts properly. It is obvious that you are more than capable of doing so. 

I agree with Tofumonkey that too many people use their childhoods as an excuse, rather than seeing a counselor and trying to heal. It seems like that is what the OP is doing; she continues to refer to her childhood and her culture as reasons for her choices in life. We have advised her ad nauseam to see a therapist but she keeps posting threads and asking for feedback on the same issues. I don't blame Tofumonkey for becoming rather exasperated. It gets tiresome showing compassion for those who do not try to help themselves and make excuses.  

NoneForUs

To MOD, if you are reading this. May I please get this thread CLOSED..... I feel that I have gotten sufficient replies to give me advice regarding my thread problem. There nothing else needed to be discuss about this.

This thread originally was regarding to me feel awkward due to the butt cheek kiss.... Now after one month, I begin to get used to it now so there no further point of continue this dicussion.
And I surely don't want to derail by argue back and forth about the "traditional" Chinese culture.... I feel that I know my own culture more than others out there who is "not" Chinese, so there nothing needed to be debate about.

I was with you until this post. So just because people are saying things that you don't want to hear, you want to close the thread? You aren't being very mature. In this forum, you will find that people are sympathetic yet honest. 

I agree that you would know the most about your own culture. However, it seems like you are clinging to it despite being in America for many years. You also use your culture as an excuse for the problems you are trying to create in your own marriage. Creating problems is looking for drama. 

I saw what you wrote about your husband not wanting someone all over him. It's sad that he is so insecure that he cannot handle a woman approaching him for sex. I wonder if part of the reason he married you is your passivity and inexperience...almost as if your husband needed a wife he could control. Be careful that his dominance doesn't swallow up your needs. 

BlueBirdMB

NoneForUs said:

BlueBirdMB said:

NoneForUs said:

BlueBirdMB said:

Yeah, abuse affects people differently because everyone is different.  Maybe it didn't make you a cold person.  That's great.  But for other people, it takes work past the issues caused by abusive, cold parents.

I wasn't talking about myself. I was talking about my husband. Read posts properly. 

Also, since I have mentioned more than once that I have been in counseling, it is quite obvious that I am very familiar with the emotional work required to heal from abuse. 

There's no need for you to point out obvious things to me as if I am stupid. Thanks. 

Before accusing me of being incapable of reading, I suggest you reread.  I was referring to Tofumonkey's post.  She's the one who said that being raised in a certain environment isn't an excuse for anything.  My post wasn't directed even slightly towards you, but you certainly got worked up pretty easily.  Calm down.

To be honest, I don't believe that you weren't referring to me. If you were not, you would not have posted directly under my post and mentioned coldness just like I did. Also, you would have added @Tofumonkey if you were referring to her. Regardless of who you were speaking to, your words were rather condescending. We don't have the benefit of hearing or seeing each other on the internet so perhaps I could be wrong about your intent. This is simply my interpretation. I also did not say that you were "unable" to read posts properly. It is obvious that you are more than capable of doing so. 

I agree with Tofumonkey that too many people use their childhoods as an excuse, rather than seeing a counselor and trying to heal. It seems like that is what the OP is doing; she continues to refer to her childhood and her culture as reasons for her choices in life. We have advised her ad nauseam to see a therapist but she keeps posting threads and asking for feedback on the same issues. I don't blame Tofumonkey for becoming rather exasperated. It gets tiresome showing compassion for those who do not try to help themselves and make excuses.  I

*stuck in box* I haven't figured out how to tag people on this forum.  Also, I thought I was posting below tofu monkey.  I didn't even read your post.  I mentioned coldness because that's how OP keeps referring to her upbringing.  After reading your post however, I was basically AGREEING WITH YOU.  We both disagree with tofu monkey that a hypothetical person isn't affected by their upbringing.  

You're acting extremely defensive.  Like unbelievably defensive when I never mentioned you or anything related to you or your husband.  Posting below you doesn't mean I am referring to you unless I mention your name, or your situation, which I didn't do.  I'm not sure where your defensiveness is coming from.  Even if I had been referring to you, I didn't say anything that was particularly rude.  But of course, I wasn't referring to you, which is why my post didn't make any sense to what you said, i.e., the reason why you believe I misread.  I didn't misread, I just didn't read what you wrote and I wasn't talking to you.  Chill out.

NoneForUs

To tag someone in a post, you use the @ key and then type their name right after it. 

I'm glad you agree that people will always be affected by their upbringings...I just think that at some point people need to take responsibility for their actions rather than using their childhoods as a reason for everything. 

NoneForUs

@hispresence I've noticed that you post about your issues on a another forum. 

I must ask...what exactly are you looking for? It seems like you are just seeking attention. 

I can appreciate that the recent events in your life were sad and so your pain is fresh. However, there isn't much to be gained if you constantly post about your issues but refuse to take advice. 

Samboni

Stop letting this idiotic, fake ass post make you people bicker. JeezOpete. It's like the sanity up and moved away in this thread.

NoneForUs

Samboni said:

Stop letting this idiotic, fake ass post make you people bicker. JeezOpete. It's like the sanity up and moved away in this thread.

What makes you think her post is fake? 

I know she has talked about these problems on other forums but I can't say for sure that the posts are not real. 

MarriedFeb2015

...

NoneForUs

hispresence said:

I asked for advice, I got advice, greatly appreciated for that.... I already got alot of advice for everyone, so I don't think there any futher point of continue this thread.... This thead regarding the "traditional" Chinese culture and cold childhood, have cause arguements back and forth from posters, and I don't like debate and arguments.

And I don't neded to make drama, and I don't need attention..... I clearly say since the begining of my post that I'm a college dropped out, English is my third language, and I have an abusive mother in my childhood.
It clearly that English is my thid language due to my grammars.... And I'm a college dropped out, big surprise to you?  Surely have a High School degree didn't help me much with improve my grammars.
I have an abusive mother in my childhood, this CLEARLY show in tje low self-worth and low self-eteem tone in all of my posts..... And it pretty OBVIOUS that because of my abusive childhood, it cause me to have intimacy issue in marriage.

When I say I got married without an engagement ring, without a wedding reception, without a honeymoon. And I insist on keeping Financial "Separate" afterr marriage. Just because I'm different than others out there that doesn't mean I'm looking for drama.
What you want me to say? I married a rich man and I am living in a mansion? LOL!!!.....I know  the "norms", there many girls would love to married rich; have their man take care of them from a to z, love have diamond rings, love live in a mansion, LMFAO!!..... But you know what, that is not me. And I'm proud to NOT be in the "norms"

I have nothing else further to comment on this thread.... As some posters said I need go to work on my marriage and my childhood, so okay, I'm going to work on it.

And to Ms. 'NoneForUs', maybe you right about why my husband married me...... perhaps he married me because I am his passive girl and his sexually inexperience girl..... Perhaps he wants a wife that he can control, perhaps he likes to be the one that in control of everything..... But I make my bed so I sleep it in, no marriage is perfect.

My husband have the Financial freedom to leave me anytime he wants..... I insist on keep our Financial 'Separate', so financially there nothing tied him down to this marriage.... Hey, if one day he find a better girl or if he fall out of love with me, then he have all the freedom to leave, and I wish him all the best..... Ofcourse I don't want my marriage to fail, but nobody can tell the future, so what ever comes will comes.

And regarding my childhood, I been searching around for counseling.... I want to get rid of this emotional childhood baggage of mine, but can’t seem to find a ‘western-trained Chinese” counselor around my area…. I think I need a Chinese counselor because she can related more to my “traditional” Chinese culture and my childhood. Maybe I should try driving future to look…. Therapy/Counseling sure is expensive but it definately worth it.

Thank you for everyone advice, it time to move on from this thread. And apologize, if this thread bring any negativity or inconvenient to anyone. I didn't meant it to turn out to be like that.

What's wrong with debates? This is an open forum and those are bound to happen.

The reason why I think you are seeking attention and love drama is you constantly look for problems in your marriage that are nonexistent. Your husband has told you that he is happy with you but you keep on looking for issues. Also, you are posting about your problems repeatedly without going to see a therapist. People on forums can only help you so much. Nobody has said anything about your English but you keep on talking about how bad it is. I have no idea what that is about. If you were able to achieve a high school diploma, then your English is not as bad as you think. Stop moaning about it already. 

When you see a therapist, I hope that he or she emphasizes the importance of taking responsbility for your choices instead of using your culture and childhood as an excuse. I had an abusive childhood as well but I spent over a year in therapy trying to heal myself. I didn't constantly post about it in different forums and then refuse to take advice. 

Samboni

If the 27 MUDdy red flags haven't set off your alarm bells, then it probably wont help to list them. Beginning with the OP...come on you guys. LOL. The height difference and cooking guilt were funny. Too many others to list, and ten bucks she posts again.

NoneForUs

Samboni said:If the 27 MUDdy red flags haven't set off your alarm bells, then it probably wont help to list them. Beginning with the OP...come on you guys. LOL. The height difference and cooking guilt were funny. Too many others to list, and ten bucks she posts again.

There are traditional women who feel guilty for messing up meals.

I love to cook and I hate it when I make a mistake and spoil whatever I am cooking. 

Also, most women go for taller men so I don't see how that part is made up. 

My husband is 6'2 and I am 5'4. 

I'm guessing MUD means Making Up Drama? I don't know what MUD means. 

I hope the OP finds a therapist soon. 

Samboni

The "guilt" applied to both. She feels guilty about the height difference too. And it's wasnt guilt from messing up meals. LOL! MUD is posted on this board frequently. People do it for kicks. That's why my original response was about her English coming and going at will. Hooo boy. You are hook, line, and sinker deep in mud.

NoneForUs

Samboni said:

The "guilt" applied to both. She feels guilty about the height difference too. And it's wasnt guilt from messing up meals. LOL! MUD is posted on this board frequently. People do it for kicks. That's why my original response was about her English coming and going at will. Hooo boy. You are hook, line, and sinker deep in mud.

Yes, I choose not to jump to the conclusion that people are lying when they post here. 

I do think it is weird to feel guilty about a height difference. Why feel guilty about an uncontrollable physical feature?

Can you please tell me what MUD means? 

puppylove2014

Made up drama.

NoneForUs

puppylove2014 said:

Made up drama.

Thanks. That's what I thought and I wanted to be sure. 

Samboni

She (hispresence) deleted quite a few of her posts, and changed her name. Maybe for the best. LOL.