advice already received, thank u

MarriedFeb2015

...

artbyallie

Talk to him about this. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, ask him to stop. But if it doesn't bother you and he likes it, where's the harm? 

GilliC

Some guys are really into butts. I agree with artbyallie -- if it makes you uncomfortable, tell him. Otherwise, no harm!

bmo88

hispresence You posted this exact same question on another popular "wedding" forum about a week ago. Your username is different, but the post is literally the exact same thing. You got lots of great advice, especially about talking with him if this make you uncomfortable. It doesn't seem like you have resolved much.

It seems this is a persisting problem. Is there something that is really bothering you about your husband? 

ETA: Not trying to come across as a stalker lol. But I remember this was a pretty popular thread/discussion.

MarriedFeb2015

...

puppylove2014

You don't really know what other people do in your culture behind closed doors. If it bothers you, ask him to stop. I think it's kinda sweet. It's always nice to know our husbands find us attractive.

It sounds like this is not really the issue though. I think you need some counselling to deal with the issues you have with your mother.

MarriedFeb2015

...

BlueBirdMB

I honestly think you have some issues with intimacy.  Of course, if you are bothered by something, he shouldn't do it and you need to TALK to him about it, but I still feel like you need to learn to be intimate with your husband.  

You were raised in a pretty cold family- I won't say culture, because I refuse to believe that there is an entire culture where no one hugs, kisses, says I love you, etc.  I could see not doing these things in public- that is a cultural thing- but in privacy, most people show affection and intimacy with those they love.

I'd highly suggest therapy.  There are two issues:

1. You seem to feel uncomfortable talking to your husband about something pretty innocent and basic.  What's going to happen when there is a real issue?  How will you talk then?  It sounds like your lack of intimacy extends to emotional places, not just physical.

2. You are bothered by something that is extremely innocent to most people.  And you aren't just a little bothered, you are VERY bothered and are so upset, you can't communicate with your husband.

hensje30

I worship my wife's ass!

hensje30

I absolutely love it! It's big and round!

NoneForUs

My husband loves to kiss and bite my butt cheeks as well. He also loves slapping and squeezing my butt. I used to hate it because I thought his attention to my ass was excessive, until my husband told me that he loves my ass and can't keep his hands off of it. Now I associate his attention to my bum with love and I don't get annoyed anymore. 

It is obvious that your culture and upbringing has had a huge impact on you and that is very typical. You just aren't used to a lot of affection and it is going to take some time for you to open up. 

I have a lot of sympathy for your struggles when it comes to being an ideal daughter while having a husband who isn't from the same culture. I had the same conflicts when my husband and I were engaged. My parents demanded that they plan and pay for a wedding that reflected their culture. I decided to elope because my wishes were not being respected and my mother didn't care about including my husband's culture in our wedding. I was disowned for a year after we eloped. Feel free to send me a private message; I feel your pain. 

NoneForUs

BlueBirdMB said:

I honestly think you have some issues with intimacy.  Of course, if you are bothered by something, he shouldn't do it and you need to TALK to him about it, but I still feel like you need to learn to be intimate with your husband.  

You were raised in a pretty cold family- I won't say culture, because I refuse to believe that there is an entire culture where no one hugs, kisses, says I love you, etc.  I could see not doing these things in public- that is a cultural thing- but in privacy, most people show affection and intimacy with those they love.

I'd highly suggest therapy.  There are two issues:

1. You seem to feel uncomfortable talking to your husband about something pretty innocent and basic.  What's going to happen when there is a real issue?  How will you talk then?  It sounds like your lack of intimacy extends to emotional places, not just physical.

2. You are bothered by something that is extremely innocent to most people.  And you aren't just a little bothered, you are VERY bothered and are so upset, you can't communicate with your husband.

Why would you refuse to believe the OP's explanation about her culture? If she was raised in Chinese culture, then she must have some insight that people outside of that culture do not have.

BlueBirdMB

NoneForUs said:

BlueBirdMB said:

I honestly think you have some issues with intimacy.  Of course, if you are bothered by something, he shouldn't do it and you need to TALK to him about it, but I still feel like you need to learn to be intimate with your husband.  

You were raised in a pretty cold family- I won't say culture, because I refuse to believe that there is an entire culture where no one hugs, kisses, says I love you, etc.  I could see not doing these things in public- that is a cultural thing- but in privacy, most people show affection and intimacy with those they love.

I'd highly suggest therapy.  There are two issues:

1. You seem to feel uncomfortable talking to your husband about something pretty innocent and basic.  What's going to happen when there is a real issue?  How will you talk then?  It sounds like your lack of intimacy extends to emotional places, not just physical.

2. You are bothered by something that is extremely innocent to most people.  And you aren't just a little bothered, you are VERY bothered and are so upset, you can't communicate with your husband.

Why would you refuse to believe the OP's explanation about her culture? If she was raised in Chinese culture, then she must have some insight that people outside of that culture do not have.

Because I believe that all people need human contact and intimacy regardless of culture.  Cultural differences tend to be more how people behave in public or how the family is structured, not basic human intimacy.  I also think that people often blame cultural circumstances when it's really a deep set issue- it's easier to blame a culture rather than particular family circumstances.  

We have several friends raised by parents from China.  I am aware that within China there are different cultures, but our friends have had no issue adapting to Western behaviors, if their culture is like the OPs.  I've also spent time with their siblings and parents and they don't lack in warmth or even affection in public.  I could see that perhaps these particular people have adapted since coming to the US- I would have no idea.  I just refuse to say that an entire culture is devoid of basic emotional and affection, even behind closed doors- that sounds ridiculous.

BlueBirdMB

NoneForUs said:

My husband loves to kiss and bite my butt cheeks as well. He also loves slapping and squeezing my butt. I used to hate it because I thought his attention to my ass was excessive, until my husband told me that he loves my ass and can't keep his hands off of it. Now I associate his attention to my bum with love and I don't get annoyed anymore. 

It is obvious that your culture and upbringing has had a huge impact on you and that is very typical. You just aren't used to a lot of affection and it is going to take some time for you to open up. 

I have a lot of sympathy for your struggles when it comes to being an ideal daughter while having a husband who isn't from the same culture. I had the same conflicts when my husband and I were engaged. My parents demanded that they plan and pay for a wedding that reflected their culture. I decided to elope because my wishes were not being respected and my mother didn't care about including my husband's culture in our wedding. I was disowned for a year after we eloped. Feel free to send me a private message; I feel your pain. 

Listen, my husband is from a different culture and his parents also refused to be a part of a wedding that wasn't a wedding that reflected their culture either.  Women aren't highly regarded in his culture, so his mother is a shell of a women who has been abused by her father and husband.  As a result, she lets everyone walk all over her and is generally a sad and angry woman.  My husband's sister has done everything in her power to rebel against the stigmas of her culture and has quite literally, gone off the deep end a few times.  DIL's are often the lowliest person on the family chain- the only person below the mother.  It's taken a lot to combat tho as well.  I 100% get cultural issues.

I still feel that basic human emotion, intimacy, and affection is universal, at least behind closed doors.  If OPs family lacked this, even in privacy, then that is a family issue, not a cultural issue.  Being so upset over a quick gesture of affection from her husband is completely different than a parent wanting a particular type of wedding.  

GilliC

NoneForUs said:

BlueBirdMB said:

I honestly think you have some issues with intimacy.  Of course, if you are bothered by something, he shouldn't do it and you need to TALK to him about it, but I still feel like you need to learn to be intimate with your husband.  

You were raised in a pretty cold family- I won't say culture, because I refuse to believe that there is an entire culture where no one hugs, kisses, says I love you, etc.  I could see not doing these things in public- that is a cultural thing- but in privacy, most people show affection and intimacy with those they love.

I'd highly suggest therapy.  There are two issues:

1. You seem to feel uncomfortable talking to your husband about something pretty innocent and basic.  What's going to happen when there is a real issue?  How will you talk then?  It sounds like your lack of intimacy extends to emotional places, not just physical.

2. You are bothered by something that is extremely innocent to most people.  And you aren't just a little bothered, you are VERY bothered and are so upset, you can't communicate with your husband.

Why would you refuse to believe the OP's explanation about her culture? If she was raised in Chinese culture, then she must have some insight that people outside of that culture do not have.

It is a pretty blanket statement. I know plenty of Chinese people who have never even lived outside China and are still quite physically affectionate. All cultures have variations.

NoneForUs

BlueBirdMB said:

NoneForUs said:

BlueBirdMB said:

I honestly think you have some issues with intimacy.  Of course, if you are bothered by something, he shouldn't do it and you need to TALK to him about it, but I still feel like you need to learn to be intimate with your husband.  

You were raised in a pretty cold family- I won't say culture, because I refuse to believe that there is an entire culture where no one hugs, kisses, says I love you, etc.  I could see not doing these things in public- that is a cultural thing- but in privacy, most people show affection and intimacy with those they love.

I'd highly suggest therapy.  There are two issues:

1. You seem to feel uncomfortable talking to your husband about something pretty innocent and basic.  What's going to happen when there is a real issue?  How will you talk then?  It sounds like your lack of intimacy extends to emotional places, not just physical.

2. You are bothered by something that is extremely innocent to most people.  And you aren't just a little bothered, you are VERY bothered and are so upset, you can't communicate with your husband.

Why would you refuse to believe the OP's explanation about her culture? If she was raised in Chinese culture, then she must have some insight that people outside of that culture do not have.

Because I believe that all people need human contact and intimacy regardless of culture.  Cultural differences tend to be more how people behave in public or how the family is structured, not basic human intimacy.  I also think that people often blame cultural circumstances when it's really a deep set issue- it's easier to blame a culture rather than particular family circumstances.  

We have several friends raised by parents from China.  I am aware that within China there are different cultures, but our friends have had no issue adapting to Western behaviors, if their culture is like the OPs.  I've also spent time with their siblings and parents and they don't lack in warmth or even affection in public.  I could see that perhaps these particular people have adapted since coming to the US- I would have no idea.  I just refuse to say that an entire culture is devoid of basic emotional and affection, even behind closed doors- that sounds ridiculous.

What sounds ridiculous to you may be the norm in other cultures. Also, not all immigrant families embrace assimilation. 

Where I am from, it is very typical for immigrants to raise their children with their unique cultural norms rather than adopting Canadian culture. 

I agree that everyone needs contact and intimacy. However, we can't assume that the need for intimacy will always override cultural values. For example, there is a taboo against oral sex in some parts of the Caribbean. There are even songs discouraging women from giving oral to men and vice versa. I know that many people in those countries are so brainwashed about oral that they FREAK OUT if their sexual partners simply mention oral to them. It sounds foolish and unbelievable, but I can tell you that it is true because I was actually raised in that culture. 

NoneForUs

@GilliC The statement might be a blanket one, but it is coming from someone who is actually a part of that culture. I think she would know what she is talking about. Since all cultures have variations, it is quite possible that the OP represents a variation that we may not be familiar with. 

I could never assume that I know more about someone's culture than they do, just because they might make statements about their culture that I don't understand. 

MommyLiberty5013

OP it sounds like your DH is in love with you and likes your company very much. The way you were raised and your culture inform your decisions now and color how you perceive/observe interactions between other people and between you and your husband. This is very normal.

Being Chinese isn't just about your language, your food, your lovely appearance, or your geography - it's about the little finer points that you do not even know you've adopted as your own until you find yourself in a situation where they are compared beside someone (your husband) who was raised differently. I imagine it feels very weird and you may feel a bit insecure wondering, "Is something wrong with me if I don't understand his behavior or feel as good about it as he does?" There isn't anything wrong with you. This is all about cultural differences. I understand what you are saying about it not being "normal" in your Chinese culture for this sort of behavior/affection.

Separately, many mothers, regardless of cultural background, belittle their daughters. Many daughters feel pain and sadness over this. But, please do separate your mom's history from your marriage. Don't let the pollution she may have created taint your adventure with our husband. If there is some pain from your mother, then yes, go and seek a counselor to get these feelings out and into a place where they cannot interfere with our daily life or life in this marriage.

Regarding the physical touch you are receiving from your husband...if it bothers you right now then let him know why it does - it's just new for you on a cultural level and you want to be affectionate toward him, but you need to go at your pace for it. I would encourage you not just to say, "No. Don't do this." He may feel hurt by this and wonder why you don't "love" him the way he loves you. But, do actually explain why you are not ready for it just yet. Explain your culture and your family.

There is a book that might help too in understanding yourself, your husband, and Western affection/love. It's called the Five Love Languages. The premise is that everybody feels and expresses love in different ways.

To feel loved, each person needs to have their "love tank" filled up. The languages are: quality time, words of affirmation, physical touch, gift giving, and acts of service. Usually, each person has 1-2 leading languages.

For example, my husband expresses his love to me using acts of service and quality time. I express my love to him using words of affirmation and quality time. I like when he does a nice thing for me to help me, but I feel most loved by him when we spend time with one another. I wish he said more affirming things to me, but that's not one of his primary love languages.

Where this is helpful to couples is so they can identify what their own languages are and then identify their spouse's. Hopefully, there is some overlap. If there isn't, then the spouses would work to "speak" one another's language better.

In my example, my husband and I share quality time as a love language. But, he wishes I were more service oriented toward him and I wish he offered more affirming words to me. The other love languages (physical touch and gift gifting) still do play a role in our relationship, but they are not the central languages for my husband and me.

It's quite possible that your husband has a strong primary love language of physical touch. So if this is the case, while you may feel like this is over the top affection for you, to him, this is how he shows you how much he loves you. This is why I encourage you not to stifle him in this, but to help him understand. I would even have this conversation with him while you're holding his hand or in his arms, so he still feels close to you.

I think the love language book is now online and offers some quizzes you can take to determine your strongest love languages. Maybe as a fun, newly-wed date night you could have some pizza and take the quizzes to see. You could make it a date night, and it could be a jumping off place for you to begin this conversation with him. It will also help him learn more about himself and you. You, in turn, can learn about him and yourself.

NoneForUs

I second the recommendation of "The Five Love Languages". 

That book helped me show my husband love the way he likes to receive it. 

MarriedFeb2015

...

MarriedFeb2015

...

MarriedFeb2015

...

MommyLiberty5013

OP, how did you and your husband meet and get to know one another?

It sounds like you really make some great meals!!! It seems that the dedication you have to showing your husband how you love him is through acts of service - helping him at home, making wonderful meals, getting up to make him something to eat when he comes home. It's very kind what you are doing for him.

Maybe you two could do some things outside your home to spend time together. There are many free or inexpensive activities like going for walks, to museums, taking drives and going for picnics. What do you two like to do? What do you like to talk about?

Regarding the height difference, there are not any tips except doing what you are doing. I'm 5'3" and my DH is 6'1". If you want to be "taller" when you are out with him, you could wear higher heels. Other than this, there really is not anything you can do except enjoy the fact that you have less bending to do to pick something up off the floor that you've dropped! I'm short as well, and I try to see the benefits of it!

With your self doubt, low self-esteem and painful memories, it really seems like speaking with someone who can help you process these things in a healthy way would be beneficial for you. A counselor, pastor, wise, older female friend who's a good listener could all be helpful.

In the past your mom and maybe others have tried and possibly succeeded in defining you as a person. You have believed their words. You do not have to believe them any longer. You knowingly married your husband knowing full well the implication it would have between you and your mom and family - ended your family relationship. If you were able to cut yourself out of an unhealthy situation with our mom by marrying your husband, then now you need to free yourself from the emotions and words as well as memories that continue to ensnare you with her.

See your husband as your friend and ally. Your partner. These times that are new in your marriage are the times that set the stage for the future of your relationship.

MarriedFeb2015

...

MarriedFeb2015

...

GilliC

NoneForUs said:

@GilliC The statement might be a blanket one, but it is coming from someone who is actually a part of that culture. I think she would know what she is talking about. Since all cultures have variations, it is quite possible that the OP represents a variation that we may not be familiar with. 

I could never assume that I know more about someone's culture than they do, just because they might make statements about their culture that I don't understand. 

I have no problem with the statements like "it's that way in my culture," which was mostly what was said.

I will not, however, accept that "my culture" and "Chinese culture" are the same thing or that "NO, Chinese men don't kiss their wive's buttock"

That's like me saying that in American culture, parents refuse to speak to their children if they admit that they're gay. That is what happened in my family. That happened a lot in the town where I grew up. That happens in many American families. That does not mean that it happens in all American families or that it is a facet of American culture.

Subtle distinction.

OP definitely is the authority on her own culture. My point is simply that one should not assume that one's own culture is truly representative. And to some extent, it sounds like the OP believes this.

MarriedFeb2015

...

NoneForUs

hispresence said: To 'GilliC', I had apologize in my above post. I am sorry that I use the wrong wording when I say 'culture'. But in China, 'traditional' Chinese culture, we do not show affection. Chinese hold alot of feelings/affections inside themselves. Especially the tradtional Chinese household ones in older generation.
Now the 'new China' adapt more to the west, so more people how are showing affections. But this was NOT the case in the 'old China'.
English is my third language, and I'm a college dropped out, it pretty obvious from my English grammars. I'm sorry for being poltical incorrect. You accept my apology right? appreciated if you do

Look, if you grew up in an old fashioned Chinese family, then YOU are the one who can speak with authority on that experience and that's all there is to it. Nobody can tell you that you are wrong if they didn't grow up the way you did. It simply doesn't make any sense. You do not owe anyone an explanation or apologies. 

I can still understand what you are trying to say even if your English is not perfect. You are a very good speller and your vocabulary is excellent. 

I completely understand how your childhood can lead you to believe that you are not good enough. I grew up with a mother who was constantly putting me down and beating me for every little mistake I made. I was a very well behaved and responsible kid, but my mother did not appreciate that until I left the house and didn't want to be close to her anymore. 

Some parents use disowning or cutting off contact as a way to control their adult children. You are a very strong and independent woman to follow your heart in spite of your mother's disapproval. Your mother will come around again once she realizes that you will continue to live however you want. When that day comes, you can decide if you want her in your life. I can certainly appreciate how hard that is; leaving home was difficult for me even though I knew it was best for me to leave an abusive environment. You have a lot to be proud of! You have so much strength and you're in a happy marriage with someone who adores you. Celebrate your achievements. 

You seem like a very loving and caring wife. Accept your husband's love and realize that you are good enough. Don't you think you deserve it after all that you have suffered? Try to be open with him about your struggles with showing affection and realize that when your husband kisses your bum, he is just showing how much he loves you. There's nothing wrong with a husband kissing his wife all over her body. It sounds like your husband finds you very sexy and that's a wonderful thing! 

My husband is 6'2 while I am not even 5'4. When we kiss, I have to stand on the tips of my toes or he has to bend down. 

Feel free to send me a private message if you need to talk more. 

MarriedFeb2015

...

MarriedFeb2015

...

BlueBirdMB

GilliC said:

NoneForUs said:

@GilliC The statement might be a blanket one, but it is coming from someone who is actually a part of that culture. I think she would know what she is talking about. Since all cultures have variations, it is quite possible that the OP represents a variation that we may not be familiar with. 

I could never assume that I know more about someone's culture than they do, just because they might make statements about their culture that I don't understand. 

I have no problem with the statements like "it's that way in my culture," which was mostly what was said.

I will not, however, accept that "my culture" and "Chinese culture" are the same thing or that "NO, Chinese men don't kiss their wive's buttock"

That's like me saying that in American culture, parents refuse to speak to their children if they admit that they're gay. That is what happened in my family. That happened a lot in the town where I grew up. That happens in many American families. That does not mean that it happens in all American families or that it is a facet of American culture.

Subtle distinction.

OP definitely is the authority on her own culture. My point is simply that one should not assume that one's own culture is truly representative. And to some extent, it sounds like the OP believes this.

This is literally all I was originally saying.  I will never lump a group of people together by one characteristic, which is why, in my original post, I said I would refer to it as her family issue, not an entire countries' issue.  That's just me.  It all got blown way out of proportion.  OP, it really doesn't matter, either way, I just didn't feel comfortable referring to things that way when I originally responded.

Ultimately, we still have the same problem.  Both of you need to come to an understanding and realize each other's comfort levels.  And you need to learn to communicate better.  This is something that should be openly discussed.